“ULTRA HOT VINTAGE PORNO SHORTS FROM THE 20’S TO THE 70’S” advertised the DVD case.  The text is superimposed over a black-and-white image of a woman lying on her stomach. She looks to be holding a phone in one hand, but it might also be her hair against her neck. She’s lying down in kind of a relaxed seal-stretch, such that her breasts are visible hanging down. There’s no other way to describe them than ‘hanging down’.  I don’t find the picture erotic in any way.

The back advertises that there are “Over 20 ultra hot porno shorts!!!” and “no breast enlargement,” both are in all caps below a more description of what to expect, along with what I assume are some stills from the shoots. I’ll find out later that these images have nothing to do with the scenes within. The pictures are also not enticing me in an erotic sense.

The font of the text I’ve provided looks almost like Comic Sans, but I’m not an expert in fonts. However, upon closer inspection, I counted five different fonts between the front and back of the DVD case.

Morbid curiosity combined with a $2.99 price tag compels me to buy the DVD. It’s from a used bookstore that also stocks some DVDs and vinyl records. I spend a few minutes browsing for something, anything that I can buy along with the DVD, to maybe save myself some embarrassment, when I can’t find anything, I’m trying in vain to come up with something to say, then I remember the proprietor probably doesn’t give a shit about who buys what. In fact, he may be happy that someone is getting this out of his store. He doesn’t ask for ID to buy it.

I take the DVD home and proceed to forget about it for years when I stumble across where I hid it. This time I’m compelled to watch it.

ooOOoo

Opening the disk case, I laugh. The disk is pure white save for some text about the copyright information, the term “DVD/XXX,” a serial number close to the rim, and [redacted for copyright and privacy reasons] Each of those three is on a different line, different font, and different text size. The whole thing is hilarious to me for some reason.  The experience of watching this will only become more hilarious.

I put the DVD in the player and open my laptop to take notes about it, which makes me wonder if I’m doing the DVD a disservice. I question if I should watch it when I’m at least slightly horny as opposed to studying this strange curio purchased on a morbidly curious whim.

Except when the DVD opens, I can’t stop laughing again.  There’s a sort of techno music playing, but I’m almost certain it’s the kind of thing that comes built-in with any free movie-making software. I’m half tempted to check various open sources or license-free audio libraries to try and find it. The menu is bare bones; again I assume it’s from free license video creation software. The cover of the DVD is on part of the menu, but it’s not centered on the box it’s in, and the resolution is too big such that the image starts repeating.

There are two options on the DVD menu, “Play Movie” and “Scene Selection,” Out of curiosity, I picked “Scene Selection” first. The scenes are broken down into “Beginning” followed by “Clip 02” through “Clip 09,” Which is slightly confusing since the label promised more than twenty. I have to assume each one has several scenes in it. More likely, the software they used to create the DVD had a maximum scene selection count of ten, or the free version they used to create the DVD capped out at ten scenes.

This all makes me believe this was a slap-dash production. The creators who I assume are “[redacted for copyright and privacy reasons]” based on the present labels on both the DVD and its case are a group of weirdos who somehow came into a collection of film reels, then converted those to digital video, which was when created into DVD, none of which they were willing to pay more than the cost of a turkey sandwich, cup of coffee and bus fare for.

I pick “Beginning” because I have nothing else to go with and a disclaimer emerges notifying me that the video and DVD are exempt from some laws due to when they were created. I’m tempted to look up what the laws are, but that feels like more effort than I’m willing to put in. Maybe I’ll use a search engine for the company, but given the DVD was printed more than twenty years before I watched it, there’s a high probability the company is long since defunct, and no crawlers have mapped it.

Upon editing this text, curiosity overcomes me. It’s a record-keeping law.

ooOOoo 

The scene starts and we get a very, very grainy video along with… Big band music; The kind with horns, piano, clapping that kind of thing. This song has lyrics and then we get more of the scene. This one has some context. A couple walks into what I think is a doctor’s office, and the scene starts jumping back and forth between the first wife and the doctor, the first husband and the secretary. The secretary gives what I think is supposed to be a sultry look to the camera.

There’s some dialogue between the doctor and the first husband, but there’s nothing other than the singing of the big band music. The first husband starts talking with the secretary after the doctor leaves. They kiss and it’s awkward looking. As they kiss the song cuts out and a new one starts.

Someone says “Lock the door” and I can’t tell if it’s new song lyrics or the characters. After that’s spoken it cuts again to what I think it’s the doctor’s office, and the first wife is now under a sheet lying down. We see nothing that couldn’t be seen in a G-rated movie.

Okay, I’m certain it’s dialog as now it’s all static. The doctor off-camera asks “How’s this” but the camera doesn’t move from the first wife’s face, who answers negatively each time. I don’t know what the doctor is doing.

The scene cuts again to the waiting room, the wife and secretary are fully clothed and kissing. The music starts up again. It’s still quite static-y, and nothing occurs that wouldn’t feel out of place in a PG movie at worst.

We cut back to the doctor’s office and for the first time, something happens and it’s funny. The woman throws off the sheet and for a moment we see her boobs before the camera pans down and the doctor is rubbing his face to the area between the belly button and pubic mound. Not licking, not kissing, just kind of rubbing his face. He moves down to what I think is her pussy to eat her out but the framing is odd.

Her lower body is partially covered by the sheet, and his face is entirely obscured by her leg. She gives half a moan before we cut to the waiting room and we see something happen. The man’s penis is protruding from his pants, but his pants are clearly buttoned, his belt on. She’s sucking his cock, which appears small compared to what we see in modern porn, and the big-band music starts up again. She’s not doing a bad job of sucking him off, moving slowly, but within a few seconds, the man puts his hands on her head, and in doing so obscures his penis and her face.

She takes her head away, they kiss, and he pulls down her pants and starts rubbing his face against her pussy. Again, due to the framing, he might be doing something, but he might be just kind of rubbing his face around.

Less than three seconds later it cuts back to the doctor’s office, the woman has covered herself up again, and says “That feels wonderful doctor” but I have no idea what he’s doing. Her breasts aren’t shown anymore either, brilliant editing consistency.

A cut again and now the sheet is entirely removed and some corny dialogue occurs, and it’s corny by the standards of vaudeville and porn standards.

I pause the movie to ruminate on this momentarily. I enjoy context in porn, and there’s certainly a place for the sort of corny derivative porn scenarios, however, this likely was recorded before any of them became derivative. In this case, it’s the "But I don’t know how” and it's not clear what she's referring to not knowing how to do.

The other participant responds with “Let me show you.” I think it’s just that it moves so quickly that feels almost jarring.

Unpausing it the doctor is unzipping his pants for a blowjob, but we cut to now the doctor is naked and lying down while the first wife gives him a blowjob.

Now I’m wondering if the term blowjob was coined at the time. A quick search engine says it wasn’t coined until the sixties.

The framing is bad again. I can’t see her face or his dick, it’s covered by her hair and hand. It quickly transitions into a 69-style arrangement, and the woman stops bobbing her head, it looks more like his penis is a spoon and she’s trying to stir a pot with her head.

After a few seconds, it cuts to the first room, and the man is rubbing his head against the assistant’s body, again below the belly button, above the pubic region, and it appears that his doing so above the cloth. He hitches up her skirt and pulls down his pants, but only to his hips, and he keeps his shirt and jacket on. The woman keeps her shirt on, and he pulls up her legs for some good old-fashioned (hah, mediocre joke) missionary sex.

The missionary sex is unappealing from a visual perspective, but probably fine for both participants. He’s covering her body entirely, and the movie cuts between two angles. The first is mostly his ass and shirt, he’s less thrusting and more sort of grinding. The other has them kissing, but because of their hair and the fact that the man is still fully clothed, including his vest, I can’t really see anything. Occasionally it cuts to her face smiling in pleasure as he kisses her neck.

Part of his ass is covered by his shirt.

Wait, there’s a cut, and now they are both naked, but he’s still covering her such that most of what we see is his ass, back and legs. It’s not a bad ass all things considered, but he’s still more grinding than thrusting, almost as though he has to stay a certain depth within her by contract, or they can’t show certain things by law. No idea if there's actually anything like that though.

Editing that section causes my mind to wander, and makes me wonder about what's okay to show/not show in porn, both at the time of production of the scene and now. I assume there are, and I kind of want to look up the debates and discussions when those laws were being written.

The positioning of them together is fine for personal life, but not terribly stimulating for porn. I’d like to see more of anything really.

He gives one thrust, and a new cut to the two groups talking, due to the audio quality I have no idea what they’re saying, other than the last line is “If you only knew,” followed by a zoom-in on the doctor smiling, and winking to the camera, before “The End” rolls up.

 ooOOoo

I felt the need to go into detail for the first scene but don’t anticipate I’ll be doing it again. I’m kind of expecting more of the same, and can just refer back to the first scene in future descriptions, basically saying “more of the same” as opposed to any semblance of detail. Maybe that won’t be the case, but due to the sort of experimental nature of this writing, I’m writing stream of consciousness, except when I pause and go back.

A new scene starts, the man is naked, there’s big band music and they’re on a bed. The woman stands up to strip, and she’s wearing a lot, but when she is naked, she’s hot. The participants in the previous scene weren’t really appealing, thought that might have been a mix of bad framing and hairstyles. The man is ugly though, and he has a pornstache.  Wait, big band music but a porn stache? That doesn’t seem to square.

Holy shit, this has intertitles!  That’s amazing.

The woman does some glamour-style poses, kind of showing off to the man but not the camera, as she just kind of rolls around in the bed, and that's not a euphemism for what it's worth.

Ooh, close up of her pussy, it’s trimmed, but dark in color. Her hair is blonde so I wonder if it’s dyed; in the previous scene, I couldn’t really tell. When we see his penis, he’s completely untrimmed. Less than a half second of seeing both followed by glamour poses, then another intertitle, then glamour style shots, another intertitle, then what appears to be the start of sex, yet another intertitle, then glamour style poses.

This scene was weird, magazine-style spreads in film, a second or two of what looks like will lead to sex, then a cut.

Hard cut to a new scene. This woman has pretty big tits, and the music is now Spanish-influenced. The previous two scenes had smaller tits on the women. Some intertitles, but these are in Spanish, which I don’t speak and can't read. She’s masturbating, or maybe just kind of rubbing herself as one might do with soap in a shower, I really can’t tell. The video quality is bad, the framing is bad, I can’t tell what she’s doing.

There was a long scene of a guy’s dick pointing out of what I think is his underwear, but there might be a hole in a sheet, no idea. She starts sucking, and this is the first scene that actually seems like sex is happening. I can see she actually has his dick in her mouth and is moving. After a bit of that, she hops on his dick cowgirl style, and it’s a close-up of her ass, then reverse cowgirl and some bounces. It’s the first scene that resembles what I’ve come to expect from modern porn films, we see her bouncing, we see her boobs, it’s a scene I can actually imagine people getting off to, as opposed to, well I don’t really know.

Sometimes we get weird framings, like when the screen is almost entirely his balls or similar extreme close-ups, but I can almost imagine enjoying this. The Spanish guitars and horns backing the scene are a choice that isn’t comedic like the big band music that frequently had lyrics.

New scene, more intertitles, and these are cut off. It looks like the resolution of the video didn’t square to the transfer, so a lot is cut off. This time it’s a couple looking for a picnic, I think I’ve seen this setup before. The music is a little more swing-influenced and mellow, so again, not terrible. The camera is shaky and things are moving, he’s kissing and fondling her, both of which in a manner that resembles what people might do. Even when they kiss, things are angled such that he’s leaning away so we see her tits, which are smaller than in the Spanish scene (hers were pretty big) but bigger than those in the first two scenes. The way she squirms when he fingers her pussy gives the impression she’s having a good time with it, the others didn’t really have that, and the same goes for when he grinds his hips when she gives him a hand job.

Okay, the big band music with lyrics is back. It’s kind of screeching now. If I were jerking off to it, the screeching horns would really throw me off. Wait there were applauds, it was a live recording of the music? Wild.

Overall, this scene seems to be the most like sex humans might have, or porn appears like. Closest but still kind of awkward, and not just from the music, the music cuts out and things are silent, then we get a new position where he’s fucking, but like the first scene, he’s covering her, and the framing is from behind, so most of the screen is his ass and balls.

This sort of from-behind showing mostly balls, ass, and back is not particularly appealing.

Or they were silent for a few seconds. Now another couple shows up. The first couple stops, there’s some intertitle dialogue, but then the second couple joins in. Due to the terrible quality of the film, I can’t tell if they swap, or if it’s just two couples having sex next to one another.

Except before anything really happens, there’s another cut to different people, but the song stays the same. It makes me think the two might be related as the other times the songs would change, but I can’t really tell. Maybe they were two shorts on the same reel when they were displayed?

Ha, during this scene he’s having trouble getting up and staying hard. Maybe he climaxed multiple times and the filmmakers had to work with it, and he’s also wearing a condom for this sequence, and applies lube to her.

There’s some from behind, doggy style, I can’t tell if it’s in her pussy or ass, and after a few thrusts he pulls out because he’s gone flaccid, it’s unclear entirely, as due to the constant cuts and scene transitions, I can’t tell how long time has passed. Maybe they had sex like nine times during this shoot and this is the only film that wasn’t corrupted, or what was captured on camera because they didn’t know what to do?

Great, more close-ups of the man’s ass and back, and this time it’s not a good ass.  Nobody is going to look at that butt and go “Damn I want that booty.”

The intertitles make allusions to the rear, but the framing makes it unclear if he’s just fucking her from behind or if he’s going for the ass.

This scene used some sex toys, but I barely felt like mentioning them until the intertitles say she’s finding the sex toy better than him. I think that’s kind of funny, we get some shots of her and her ass is pretty plain and lopsided.

New scene, the song went over by a few seconds, this one has a proper bobbing blow job, actually moving her neck back and forth, bobbing on it. Every few seconds there’s an awkward cut to the same position. I don’t know what’s happening.

The dude is wearing a hat and some kind of mask, like an old-timey bank robber mask.

I’m a little under halfway through the DVD and getting bored of it. From the big band music and the awkward framing to trying to record my thoughts, I’m just getting bored.

Then, a new song comes on and I start laughing pretty damn hard. Not sure how obscure the reference is, but it’s Dean Martin’s “The Night Is Young and You’re So Beautiful” or as I know it before looking it up for this, it’s the song that Robin Hood sings to Maid Maryanne in Robin Hood Men In Tights when they’re behind a sheet and Robin’s sword beings looking like his penis from the other side of the sheet. I can’t help thinking of that movie during what’s supposed to be either tender or erotic, and it makes me want to go watch some Mel Brooks movies. Those are way better than whatever the hell I’m doing now.

The next intertitle doesn’t have terrible quotes. I think I might need to re-watch this later and steal some of the intertitle content ideas. Oh hell, he came from the blowjob she was giving. That’s the first visible orgasm.

Oh hey, new scene and it looks like it’s at a masquerade. One of them looks like he has a dick mask, and another looks like a sad clown with a smaller dick mask. This scene also has the longest setup before anything that might be erotic happens, even looks are pretty bare, though that might be the masks.

Okay, this scene is weird. Not just the clown masks, but the fact that now there’s a second woman and a weird cut, and I think it’s a different man from the previous two. There’s some sex happening and I think it’s two men and a woman, and I think it’s the masked people from the beginning, some of it is that weird behind the back all ass and back shot.

No, just one man, and It’s that back/ass/balls shot. The dude’s got a decent ass, I think? There are some weird cuts and I think it’s showing the same frames of film twice.

A new woman joins in. Actually, it might be three women now, and one of them is licking one of the other’s clit. They’re all in masks, but they’re not sexy, funny, or scary masks.

Okay, it’s definitely two women and a man. All participants are wearing masks, and for some reason, I’m fascinated by this. I’m wondering why they’re wearing masks. The fact that this is the first scene that has any lesbian action in it (man I feel cretinous typing that to the point that I’m half tempted to pause the movie and shower) makes me think that maybe even though it’s porn, there’s some stigma against it? As though doing lesbian porn is seen as more depraved/less societally acceptable, like you could have a respectable career after porn, but not if you did lesbian porn.

They set up to trib before it cuts to the next scene. The video quality on this is the worst of any thus far. If I paid to see this, I’d want my money back.

Oh shit, I think it’s the lady from the cover, but the video quality and framing are so bad I can’t tell, it’s mostly based blue-grey color of the image. There’s a close-up of something, but I have no idea what it is, this repeats several times.

A man shows up and I have no idea what’s happening. I see a bit of his penis and it’s flaccid, kind of like mine during watching this, but he has what I have to assume is a good-looking woman giving him a hand job. I can’t tell if she’s actually good-looking, as the quality and framing are so bad. 

I think she’s giving him a blowjob, but it might also be a monkey eating a carrot. That’s not an attack on the woman, that’s me genuinely not being able to see what’s happening. 

I see his face and he’s got what looks like face paint and awful sideburns.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN THIS SCENE.

I keep up with trying to figure out what’s going on and recording it, but then delete it and leave it in this section. Nobody, including future me needs sentence after sentence “I think x but I’m not sure because of video quality.”

Most of the scenes were under ten minutes up to this point, this one has been close to fifteen and I think it’s still going. If only this weren’t the one that it’s impossible to tell what’s going on. Half of these frames could be spliced into a horror movie and not look out of place as some kind of monster.

With a big intertitle saying, “THAT’S IT” and a new scene starts, it’s the same song, but the video quality looks a bit better; albeit maybe marginally so. This time it’s some dude in a hospital masturbating, but his face is covered in bandages. Cut to two women nurses watching him and rubbing each other’s butts.

The butts don’t look bad.  The dude hides when the nurses come in to check on him, but they fluff his pillows, which throws off his covers revealing his dick. They don’t really do anything with it, we just kind of watch them fumble with pillows and his clothing, ignoring his protruding member. 

Okay, he’s gone flaccid and it’s time for a sponge bath. Classic porno shit, but they go immediately for the dick and he gets hard pretty quickly and gropes their butts while they do so.

Wow, for the first time, this scene with the nurses is almost giving me a partial. I can feel blood rushing to my dick, but not enough to actually do anything. One nurse is sucking him off, head bobbing this time and her hand is playing with his balls, while he plays with the other one’s pussy. After a bit of that, the one he was playing with starts riding him. The nurse giving him a blowjob has started to take off her top such that we see some cleavage, and the camera angle gives us a nice look at the nurse's asshole for a minute. Same ass/back/balls angle but this time the woman was on top so we saw what’s expected of porn.

Close up of him fucking her while she’s on top, she’s unshaven. I’m not sure if it was the blowjob nurse or not, it’s too much of a close-up. He pulls out coming just outside of her pussy. It’s the first time we’ve seen jizz. The three kind of relax together when another doctor shows up and the scene ends.

Or did it? It’s the nurses, now fully dressed with the doctor who interrupted. It seems like he’s giving them a citation for fucking a patient, maybe even firing them, but I can’t really tell.

Now he’s spanking one of them with a ruler. From this position, she’s got a really nice ass, but you can kind of tell he’s not hitting her very hard. We see a bit of her pussy while the spanking is happening. I think we’re supposed to see her getting wet as a result of the spanking, but there’s no way the film quality would show that up.

Okay, yeah that’s what it was supposed to show, when the second nurse starts getting spanked, the first is rubbing her pussy and starts rubbing the currently being spanked one’s ass.

The second starts sucking his dick while the first is still playing with herself, I think the one sucking the doctor's dick was the one riding the patient in the previous sequence, but I’m not sure. Maybe that matters for the sake of the plot. Since the nurse who took the first spanking only let the patient feel her up, she only gets spanked.

I realize I’m reading too much into this. The scene ends mid blowjob. 

New scene and I don’t know what’s happening.  When they reposition, I see it was a blowjob.

This song has lyrics and they’re about a woman doing washing and giving a treat. New scene, with the same song,  and it’s still a blowjob.

The sound cuts as does the movie for a moment, it’s weird because it’s still playing. The sound is still gone but the movie starts up again. A kind of chubby chick is giving a blowjob to a hair man how looks like he might be dead. Nope, he’s breathing, so he might be asleep, but he’s stock-still.

Okay, that startled me. A new song cutting in and a title change. Going from silence to big band music is a weird transition; if I were putting the DVD together I would have done a bit more for a transition. Modify the music a bit.

Actually, it’s the same scene, there was just an intertitle and music cutting in but I think it’s the same scene. However, this scene had a moral! The tile card ending the scene reminds us to have our pipes cleaned at least once a week.

New scene, a chick is shaking her ass, turns around with a big smile, and starts rubbing her clit. I’m at least 60% certain when it pans up to her face, or when the next scene showing the same thing occurs, both are kind of hamming up their pleasure, but not in the way typical of porn. Like they’re exaggerating, but there hasn’t been a standardized form of what pornographic hyperbolic arousal is supposed to sound/look like, in that she’s smiling with her eyes gesturing to the camera, but her mouth is closed.

The two women from the solos are now fully dressed and kissing. Quick scene cut and they’re taking off their clothing. Or just one of them, and just her panties, her dress is still on.  We see one supposedly eating the other out, but it’s plain to see there’s no actual contact between her mouth and her lower mouth. I shouldn’t try to be poetic or erotic in this exercise.

The title cards on this one are backward, and even if they weren’t backward they’d be too short for me to read.

There’s a bit more fake lesbian sex, to the point where if I were the director, I’d be pissed that they were doing so badly.

Okay now a guy shows up, they do some mutual blowjob, and the guy is mugging to the camera with a shit-eating grin. A few seconds later, there’s a close-up of one of them doing a blowjob, she looks kind of miserable doing it; though maybe she’s just focusing.

Some ass/back/balls shots, somewhere they’re in that position, but the other girl is kissing his butt while playing with herself; not his asshole, his butt cheeks, and not licking, kissing.

The scene kind of ends but there’s still a smash cut to “THE END” and copyright information in plane white probably impact font on a black page, some porn music with that in the classic sleazy guitar plays for probably less than a second before we’re back to the title, and I’m finished with this insane exercise.

Now I’m left wondering. What the fuck did I do that for? When I have an answer, the follow-up question will be “Why didn’t I stop at some point before the end?” Was it some hope that some of this DVD contains material the internet would deem ‘fappable?’ Was it knowing that if I stopped at some point, it would drive me insane and I’d have to see what happened, it would nag at me until I finished it?

Now, I must inform you all of this, share the knowledge that it exists, and if I couldn’t share it by ripping the DVD (which, hypothetically, I could have, there isn’t any DRM on it despite the copyright) and sharing it digitally.

Now I’m wondering if the copyright on the scenes themselves has expired, and what is actually done now? But I don’t know or care enough to look into that anymore.

I do however force myself to look up the production company on the DVD. They still exist and have a porn site, which hasn’t been updated since 2014, and clicking the ‘Join’ button takes me to a page that doesn’t use HTTPS.

Hopefully, I can put this nonsense behind me now.