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Can you truly trust a person after they cheat?

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Quote by lacr0236
Thanks again for those who've posted on this... We do talk, and have worked on our relationship. But on the same hand she has never been willing to break off all contact with him. ...I still feel my blood pressure go up...I can't "let it go"... She tells me it willm never happen again, I want to believe her. But I can't help looking over my shoulder... will this go away?


At least you ARE talking about it: here, there, and have with her... that is good! You realise that it IS something that is going to bother you. You cannot let it go because you just do not know and so it is not something "closed" (so to speak) and completely dealt with.

I don't know how you or anyone does it, to stay in a relationship where the trust has been harmed. When you love someone or care, it must be VERY hard. I cannot tell you what to do, but I am having a hard time understanding why she will not do whatever it takes -and end contact with this person, and place your feelings and the marriage first. If she thinks you are asking too much why does she feel that when it causes you such discomfort? Are her feelings more important than yours? I am not one for giving up friends, but this seems no compromise. I would want to KNOW, just like most would, that the marriage comes first. When someone is already feeling insecure now because of something, they need reassurance and to feel safe. Obviously "trust" in a marriage is very important and it seems that this deal invited in feelings of distrust that has shaken things and never left.

Sometimes, depending on the situation, it can be worked through... It has been a long time already. It has had a very negative effect, obviously. You may never get over it or it may take a very long time. Stop beating yourself up for that. From this experience- know yourself, know what is your limits and what is okay and what is not okay. She does not want to "give" any more than she has to gain trust & feels she should not have to or that your feelings are now "your" deal? Then I would recommend counseling and if she will not go, I think you could maybe benefit and be helped but you would also know her willingness level. It's hard to work on a marriage or any relationship when a partner is unwilling, but sometimes we have to deal with things ourselves.

My experience shows me that trust is vital.
I do not know if this qualifies as "cheating" as much as voluntarily allowing in~ but either way- same results affect you. If it were "cheating" - I would not be able to trust, once trust is destroyed, it is hard to get back or it would take a VERY long time or A LOT (maybe more than she is willing to give). Anyone can cheat at any time for any reason and you cannot live your life in fear of that. You are hurting yourself as well. It is not as simple as a decision to "get over it" maybe, it may take some more work - and possibly without her.
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if a man cheats on me he doesn't get a second chance
GunGirlJess
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by littlejade
if a man cheats on me he doesn't get a second chance
==
I said that and then I didn't stick to it when it happened to me. Believe me you'll never be sorry you stayed true to your feelings and walked instead of staying.
AlexaFox
Active Ink Slinger
from personal experience, yes. love is a journey, enjoy the ride. our love is unconditional. we fight, we break up, we say this is it, its done, over. but we always drift back together. whether it be a day, week, or month. we always end up back in each others arm. i wouldn't want it any other way.
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HELL TO THE NO!... Cheating in an absolute deal breaker for me. Cheating involves lies and deceit ..It involves being told you are crazy when, in fact, your feelings and intuition are spot on. Someone cheats on me, we are done.
prairiedogg
Active Ink Slinger
No, I don't believe you can trust her again.

I know a woman who cheated on her husband two times a few years ago, but settled down and was faithful to him. I don't know her husband, but I thought the cheating was over and all was well. Just recently I found out she has taken up with a third guy behind her husband's back and plans to continue seeing this guy. She claims she will never get caught, so that tells me that she will never stop cheating.

I really believe that, once you start, it becomes easier each time.
kitty40
Active Ink Slinger
I don't think you can ever truly trust that person again. My husband did several times early in our marriage. It's been over 10 years, but there is still always that little question when he doesn't answer the phone when I call or if he isn't home when he says he will be. It is all about what you can live with.
Guest
Lurker
Depends on what happened and why..... But no, after cheating things will never be the same again, you can never truly trust again. Sometimes the situation (married with kids) makes you stay, but only if there's real regret, promises, forgiveness. It's worth to try again. We are all human, we all make mistakes....
Unknown User
once a cheater always a cheater they will keep doing it over and over how much are you willing to have your heart broken over a cheater? NO YOU CAN'T TRUST A CHEAT!
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Quote by kitty40
I don't think you can ever truly trust that person again. My husband did several times early in our marriage. It's been over 10 years, but there is still always that little question when he doesn't answer the phone when I call or if he isn't home when he says he will be. It is all about what you can live with.


I know the feeling. For me it has been 20 years, but I still wonder sometimes when she is away too long.
lovesluts
Rookie Scribe
Quote by lacr0236
Long story made short... the wife and I had a mmf. Before hand the ground rules were set up that I had to be present/aware if at any time after they were going get together. And I was to be told of any messages, texts, or calls. I later find out my wife has deleted many texts and set up a rendezvous with him while I was out of town. "She forgot to delete a message to one of her girlfriends" she said that the talked about doing it but didn't. And says that they never did it when I wasn't there... how can I believe her. It has been 2 years now and I still don't completely trust her... Can I really ever trust her again? She says that she is different now and will never risk "us" again, but is still friends with him even though I wanted her to break all contact when I found out. Am I asking to be hurt again?


We're all liars, cheats and frauds. Everything a human being dose is done in self service,, EVERYTHING, (think about it) The people who say they're not a liar, cheat or fraud. Are inherently the worst kind. Because the one they lie to and cheat, is themselves. I believe to be untruthful is in its self, a form of self destruction. Your basically not allowing you self to be happy by not truthfully expressing what you desire and your also making it impossible for your significant other by not giving them the tools necessary to make you truly happy. I believe this so much that I have began testing my hypothesis. I have vowed to live in 100% complete utter honesty in every facet of my life for one year. I believe this will improve the quality of not just my life, but those around me as well. I am two months in and I am finding it almost impossible and unsure not of my hypothesis but of my character and ability to achieve such a task. Honestly, I experimented more then my far share growing up and can say with out hesitation that I would not be in a relationship where, straight, male, male, female sex wasn't a normal every day part of our life's. But I also except what comes with that. I can't just expect my girl or any woman for that matter to let another man use and penetrate her body in the most intrusive, and beautiful ways possible with out forming a bond or relationship of there own, most humans are not built that way. If you can save your marriage, by all means do so. We're all liars, cheats and frauds just in different ways. Life is a gift and should not be restricted.
And if you ever do decide to try three again make sure it's a life long friend, or childhood buddy. Some one who cares about "you", then the inevitable relationship develops between the three of you, not just him and her. That's when it starts getting bad ass.javascript:insertsmiley(' ','/forum/images/emoticons/3some.gif')
lovesluts
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Quote by Feline_Dragon
once a cheater always a cheater they will keep doing it over and over how much are you willing to have your heart broken over a cheater? NO YOU CAN'T TRUST A CHEAT!


Not necessarily true. Cheaters can learn from their mistake and grow from that and stay faithful and committed. It's not easy, but they do.

Of course there are those that can't/won't do that. But not every cheater stays a cheater.

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Guest
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I think there's going to be a moment when you will start doubting the person and that time he/she cheated will be haunting your mind.
Musigal
Active Ink Slinger
I would say no now, however I think it would be harder to give up then forgive. But also, I don't think I'd trust as much. I'd probably be questioning why he was late back from work etc, I guess I'd always question him/his actions.
nonnibe
Active Ink Slinger
from what i have learnt, no you cannot. whether or not they are doing something behind your back, the thought of them doing it will always be in your mind. sooner or later you will start to question their actions again, and this ultimately breaks the relationship.
doctorlove
Active Ink Slinger
No.....and if they lie about it after being confronted, HELL NO!
HotLittleMoments
Advanced Wordsmith
If the relationship is sound and based on more than just sex and residual caveman genes, why should you not? I don't get this hang-up about being "cheated on". Sounds antediluvian to me. Unless you think you "own" your partner (and you shouldn't) where's the point in getting uptight about something you were never going to be invited to anyway?
Ambrose
GoldenAngel
Active Ink Slinger
I can forgive, but I can never trust!
I mean I dun totally hate him/her, but I wouldnt trust them.on anything. Just a hi goodbyre relation!
ChuckEPoo
Chuckanator
Initially I would say no. But that speaks about me as much as them. If my love doesn't contain the elements of forgiveness and reconciliation then was it really love in the first place? If you are perfect in your life, then the best of luck finding your match. After some soul searching, I would change my answer to yes... With reservation. For most of use we can hope for forgiveness from time to time. Does that mean that we to should forgive other too?
pleasureseeking
Active Ink Slinger
it's all about honesty. If you agree to an open relationship or if your partner is unfaithful but comes clean then there is hope things can be worked out. What destroys relationships is the deception and lies.
Guest
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For me i've never cheated once in any relationship that i was in, but i have been cheated on. It just depends on how far they went with that person and if you truly believe they are remorseful. Of course the girls that cheated on me were not remorseful and the relationships ended right there.
Guest
Lurker
No. Why should they get a second chance? It's easy to say 'mistake', 'one-off', 'won't happen again', but it's not the same anymore. In that moment they knew what they were doing and they did it. You can't forget something like that.
welshstallion
Active Ink Slinger
I guess no.

I have been at both ends where I have cheated and have been cheated on.

Regret cheating so much and lost everything, and I cant appologise enough for that. Been cheated on too, really didnt know until I saw some sexy lingerie which i though was for me, but when my ex went away with friends allegerly for the night, so did the lingerie.

In my Defence when people say once a cheat always a cheat, if you lose so much after being silly and foolish that one time, you think long and hard before doing it again, and can say I have not cheated since last time and its been 10yrs odd.

So yes you can change, its an expensive lesson to learn and will never do it again.
Subtle
Advanced Wordsmith
I have been married for 27 years, and endured a largely sexless marriage. I love my wife. I am attracted to my wife. If she desired it, we could have learned to be great lovers, and had an incredible sex life. She chose not to. She wouldn't get help. Last year, after all those years, especially the last four years of no sex, I had an affair.
Can she trust me? Yes, she can! If she changes her mind, and wants to engage me as more than a husband in name, I am all hers!! She knows the ball is in her court. She doesn't know I cheated on her. If she cheated on me, I would view it completely differently. I have been here for her, all these years. If she cheated on me, I wouldn't trust her. I don't trust her now. But if she returns to me, in her heart and with her body, I am hers.