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Guys, How do feel about cheaters? Do you think once a cheater always a cheater? Or do you give them
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Once proven to be a cheater, you need to be very careful after that, regardless of the gender - people can change, but they can't complain if you keep an eye on them and use a lot of salt when they talk about cheater related things.
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lol....why use the salt?
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An old expression 'take it with a touch of salt' meaning be very wary of it. Back in medieval days people sold fresh meat etc. But often, it was just on the verge of going off and not really fresh, adding salt drowned out the slightly off flavour and allowed you to still eat it, thus the expression. A bit like the 'let the buyer beware' expression.
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It's been my experience that most that cheat may only have meant it the one time and when caught were very sorry and wish they hadn't done that. However, the truth is they DID do it that one time. Circumstances could have some bearing on an issue such as cheating, but there is always that final step that's taken that makes the difference. That weakness, whether alcohol fueled, drug fueled, lonely-ness fueled, or even if just a pressured event, allowed the cheating in the first place and that is something that is difficult to overcome. At the very least it can take over one year, and even then the fear of them cheating on one once more is never completely gone.
There will always be a fear of that spouse cheating on the cheated one by the cheated on one, in the future. (Know this first hand.)
There will always be that loss of 'specialness' to the relationship too. (Know this first hand.)
That 'specialness' is what brought them together in the first place. It's what made them 'hook up' and then decide to become a 'couple'. It is a bonding that holds lives together, and when that bond is stressed or broken it can and does all unravel.
Cheaters may not know it, but even if the spouse or significant other never is told or finds out, that cheating event will drive a wedge between them. It is a felt thing that has no direct reason why. The cheater is guilty and feeling so, and when the significant other mentions something in passing that could be construed to be spot on towards cheating or possible doubts about their partner, the cheater will either become angry or fearful (which can and usually does respond with anger, fear has a way of doing things to the mind like that). This 'fear' will crowd out love and faithfulness (which has already taken a large hit) and make it difficult for the cheater to freely love their partner as before.
In the meanwhile, the partner will begin to wonder about some things such as responses of anger towards innocent comments and pretty soon if it occurs enough, that partner will begin to suspect the love of their significant other as well.
It is a downhill, downward spiral that can and does destroy marriages and relationships daily. Just as financial pressures do, cheating has it's own little arsenal of arrows that destroy love and togetherness.
That is hard to overcome, especially when the cheater knows why the anger is there and the the cheated on doesn't have a clue what's going on or why their significant other is action so strangely.
For at least twenty seven years (should they remain together after the initial incident) there will, time to time, be doubts and wondering too. Can't be helped and it may die down to far and few between, but it will rear it's ugly head again and again and again. (Also first hand)
In the end one has to measure the relationship, the love they have for each other, or at least the love one has for the other, and then either learn to trust again or not. If the trust is gone, the relationship is more likely than not, gone too.
However, some can and do survive a single act cheating. I believe that affairs or more than one time affairs/cheating spells doom on any relationship. Maybe not right away, but eventually other things as mentioned above, will crowd out love and togetherness, and leave bitterness and anger.
Also, it's what led up to the cheating that makes up part of the scenario too. If the cheater is too open and easy to flirt with, allows contact where normally they shouldn't, or allows things to go farther just because the significant other isn't around, then I have to question if the cheater is really 'in the relationship' fully and in love as they claim (or should be claiming) to be.
There will always be a fear of that spouse cheating on the cheated one by the cheated on one, in the future. (Know this first hand.)
There will always be that loss of 'specialness' to the relationship too. (Know this first hand.)
That 'specialness' is what brought them together in the first place. It's what made them 'hook up' and then decide to become a 'couple'. It is a bonding that holds lives together, and when that bond is stressed or broken it can and does all unravel.
Cheaters may not know it, but even if the spouse or significant other never is told or finds out, that cheating event will drive a wedge between them. It is a felt thing that has no direct reason why. The cheater is guilty and feeling so, and when the significant other mentions something in passing that could be construed to be spot on towards cheating or possible doubts about their partner, the cheater will either become angry or fearful (which can and usually does respond with anger, fear has a way of doing things to the mind like that). This 'fear' will crowd out love and faithfulness (which has already taken a large hit) and make it difficult for the cheater to freely love their partner as before.
In the meanwhile, the partner will begin to wonder about some things such as responses of anger towards innocent comments and pretty soon if it occurs enough, that partner will begin to suspect the love of their significant other as well.
It is a downhill, downward spiral that can and does destroy marriages and relationships daily. Just as financial pressures do, cheating has it's own little arsenal of arrows that destroy love and togetherness.
That is hard to overcome, especially when the cheater knows why the anger is there and the the cheated on doesn't have a clue what's going on or why their significant other is action so strangely.
For at least twenty seven years (should they remain together after the initial incident) there will, time to time, be doubts and wondering too. Can't be helped and it may die down to far and few between, but it will rear it's ugly head again and again and again. (Also first hand)
In the end one has to measure the relationship, the love they have for each other, or at least the love one has for the other, and then either learn to trust again or not. If the trust is gone, the relationship is more likely than not, gone too.
However, some can and do survive a single act cheating. I believe that affairs or more than one time affairs/cheating spells doom on any relationship. Maybe not right away, but eventually other things as mentioned above, will crowd out love and togetherness, and leave bitterness and anger.
Also, it's what led up to the cheating that makes up part of the scenario too. If the cheater is too open and easy to flirt with, allows contact where normally they shouldn't, or allows things to go farther just because the significant other isn't around, then I have to question if the cheater is really 'in the relationship' fully and in love as they claim (or should be claiming) to be.
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I think an important part of the issue is also in what you define as a cheater and what constitutes as cheating. Another writer by the name of Dorsai has a series called The Next Door Neighbour series that handles a lot of interesting philosophical discussions on love and relationships.
Back in the 1970s I knew some people who were in an interesting situation. At that time it was unlawful to engage in homosexual activities, and even the hint of being involved in one was enough to see their careers destroyed. Yet they came up with an answer, they lived in a semi-detached house - this is two homes built with only one common wall, as if an overlarge house and often had common back yards. Unknown to most, three doorways had been made through the common wall and it was now like one huge house. I don't know exactly how the situation started, but a brother and sister married another man and woman, and each pair officially lived in one half of the house. Each man and woman loved their spouse and were very devoted to them, but all four were of a homosexual orientation, whenever they wanted to have any sex, they would pair up in that manner, spending part of the night with their sexual lover and the rest with their spouse. All four were seriously devoted to the other three.
Another situation I know of involves a married couple whose libidos are badly mismatched, but they really love each other - they both work as high paid professionals and have a live in housekeeper. Their sexual life is a sort of triangle in that the housekeeper assists one spouse with keeper the other, more sexually charged spouse, sexually satisfied.
In both these cases, the spouses are involved in sexual relationships outside their marriage partners who they love a great deal - BUT they are NOT cheating, as the spouse knows all about it before hand and agrees, and actively helps. In each case, society would cause trouble if their situation became known to the general public. All I can say is that their situations suit them, and it's their business - I feel privileged that they trust me enough to allow me to know about them. They have previously given me permission to discuss their situation with other (we've spoken on this often) but not to provide sufficeint information for personal identification.
Back in the 1970s I knew some people who were in an interesting situation. At that time it was unlawful to engage in homosexual activities, and even the hint of being involved in one was enough to see their careers destroyed. Yet they came up with an answer, they lived in a semi-detached house - this is two homes built with only one common wall, as if an overlarge house and often had common back yards. Unknown to most, three doorways had been made through the common wall and it was now like one huge house. I don't know exactly how the situation started, but a brother and sister married another man and woman, and each pair officially lived in one half of the house. Each man and woman loved their spouse and were very devoted to them, but all four were of a homosexual orientation, whenever they wanted to have any sex, they would pair up in that manner, spending part of the night with their sexual lover and the rest with their spouse. All four were seriously devoted to the other three.
Another situation I know of involves a married couple whose libidos are badly mismatched, but they really love each other - they both work as high paid professionals and have a live in housekeeper. Their sexual life is a sort of triangle in that the housekeeper assists one spouse with keeper the other, more sexually charged spouse, sexually satisfied.
In both these cases, the spouses are involved in sexual relationships outside their marriage partners who they love a great deal - BUT they are NOT cheating, as the spouse knows all about it before hand and agrees, and actively helps. In each case, society would cause trouble if their situation became known to the general public. All I can say is that their situations suit them, and it's their business - I feel privileged that they trust me enough to allow me to know about them. They have previously given me permission to discuss their situation with other (we've spoken on this often) but not to provide sufficeint information for personal identification.
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ok I was just wondering because I think....once a cheater, always a cheater. Just from past experiences or whatver but I wanted to know what you guys thought about it.
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C2C says "It's been my experience that most that cheat may only have meant it the one time and when caught were very sorry and wish they hadn't done that." The word "MOST" implies several, and perhaps "MANY." I wonder how many were "caught" and whether it was in personal conversation with them, that C2C was made aware of their regret. This is serious, C2C and is not intended as doubting anything you have said. It would be interesting, perhaps, to know more, and learn from the sad experiences of others.
There only two instances of people I KNOW who have cheated, and both are men, and both have told my husband who has confided in me. Neither of the wives concerned knew of his infidelity and deceit. Whether they were serial adulterers I have no idea.
To try to answer fystee's question, my opinion for what it is worth is that once either partner, male or female, has "got away with it" that whatever caused them to cheat in the first place would resurface, and that they could well cheat again.
There only two instances of people I KNOW who have cheated, and both are men, and both have told my husband who has confided in me. Neither of the wives concerned knew of his infidelity and deceit. Whether they were serial adulterers I have no idea.
To try to answer fystee's question, my opinion for what it is worth is that once either partner, male or female, has "got away with it" that whatever caused them to cheat in the first place would resurface, and that they could well cheat again.
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In general, I'd have to agree with Susan and fystee, however, I'd also like to say that in saying so, I'd only condemn those who made a clear decision to cheat - I wouldn't say the same about someone who was seduced or ended up in such a situation without their agreement. It's too easy to get someone so drunk they don't really know who they're with, and similar things. I've heard of people being taken advantage of in such situation - both male and female. To my mind, such actions that end up in sex are - clear and simple; and victims should NOT be held in the same regard as someone who is in control and agrees.
Matriarch
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Please try and stay on topic Deadly. This one is about cheating. It is not about .
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Maybe it has to do with my up-bringing, or my years in the Service (Special Forces) . But to me loyalty is very important to partner or friends , and towards me.
I am loyal and expected the same from my partner .
Once a partner has made a reflected decision to cheat , the trust is gone, the contract terminated .
It does not matter how sorry they are after the fact or the begging for forgiveness and promises to not do it again . It cannot be forgotten and forgiveness i believe will be interpreted by the cheater as a licence to do it again in the future . Having gotten away with once, why not try it again ?
I could not get over it and forgive in my case .
En Passant, i cannot believe these stories of guys encouraging their wifes to serve other guys while they watch. If some are trough it says a lot for the lack of courage and self respect of these husbands . To say nothing of the the disrespect for their wife in reducing them to practicly whores
I am loyal and expected the same from my partner .
Once a partner has made a reflected decision to cheat , the trust is gone, the contract terminated .
It does not matter how sorry they are after the fact or the begging for forgiveness and promises to not do it again . It cannot be forgotten and forgiveness i believe will be interpreted by the cheater as a licence to do it again in the future . Having gotten away with once, why not try it again ?
I could not get over it and forgive in my case .
En Passant, i cannot believe these stories of guys encouraging their wifes to serve other guys while they watch. If some are trough it says a lot for the lack of courage and self respect of these husbands . To say nothing of the the disrespect for their wife in reducing them to practicly whores
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As an Adult male with a fair amount of relationships under my belt, I can only say one thing. Cheating is only bad if you find out. After I was cheated on, I told all my next girlfriends that they could cheat all they want. I just didn't want to know about it and I did not want to find out about it. I'm a very open person and believe that variety is the spice of life. If a lady wants to have sexy with another man or woman than it's ok. Just tell me a head of time. Then it's not cheating. Jealousy is NASTY and causes people to be mean. Most men think they can handle multiple women, but that's usually not true. I do believe that women can love more than one man with 110%. So if you are worried about your lady cheating, give her some room and let her do what she wants. After all you may reap the benefits. Experts say that when women have sex, they want MORE sex.
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Quote by Boyd254
As an Adult male with a fair amount of relationships under my belt, I can only say one thing. Cheating is only bad if you find out.
Hello Boyd.
I have to disagree with you on this one. I have a strict policy when it comes to cheating - if it's come to that stage, and my partner hasn't at least tried to talk through any issues with me prior to doing the deed, then I'll pull the plug on the relationship right away.
Luckily I've married someone I trust 100% - if she cheated on me, I'd be distraught.
I believe once the trust is broken, it's irrepairable.
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Quote by SusanEngland
C2C says "It's been my experience that most that cheat may only have meant it the one time and when caught were very sorry and wish they hadn't done that." The word "MOST" implies several, and perhaps "MANY." I wonder how many were "caught" and whether it was in personal conversation with them, that C2C was made aware of their regret. This is serious, C2C and is not intended as doubting anything you have said. It would be interesting, perhaps, to know more, and learn from the sad experiences of others.
There only two instances of people I KNOW who have cheated, and both are men, and both have told my husband who has confided in me. Neither of the wives concerned knew of his infidelity and deceit. Whether they were serial adulterers I have no idea.
To try to answer fystee's question, my opinion for what it is worth is that once either partner, male or female, has "got away with it" that whatever caused them to cheat in the first place would resurface, and that they could well cheat again.
For the record, I worked at a job in Alaska that was called a 'camp job'. We'd go in for two to five weeks at a stretch, working 7 days a week, twelve hours a day. While there, of course, most were not home with their wives (or significant others as the case may have been). The long term 'aways' tended to be hard on marriages and relationships.
As I soon found out, my long term marriage made me a confidant of a large percentage of those people that were having issues in their married/relationships...lives. As such I was privy to information of the many ways of cheaters being caught. I was also privy to how most situations in those instances turned out too.
Miners tend to be different breeds of cats to begin with and underground miners are very different. It may have been the circumstances and the 'type' of people that worked there tended to be on the same plane so to speak. At any rate I talked (counseled if you prefer) about thirty men and six women over the eight years I worked there. Usually it amounted to me listening as they poured their hearts out to me, and me just being there. In some instances I would interject 'balance' if I could as some of the guys would talk about murder or worse and I didn't want them to ruin their lives over something that can and does pass.
It may not be the most pleasant thing to have to deal with, but in about thirty to thirty-five percent of the cases they stayed married (Together). The larger percentage seemed to end up divorced. I saw that the circumstances and the persons involved made a huge difference in those percentages. I also know of several marriages that were nearly up with our twenty plus years of marriage that never made it.
In the end the truth is that what happens as far as cheating goes and how the relationship ends up is varied and as different as each set of couples. Some will tend to gravitate to 'save the marriage at all costs' while the greater percentage tends to 'burn the damned bridge and split'. In each case its a tough call for someone outside the relationship to call, and usually it isn't in the purview of those of us privy to these conversations anyway.
In the scheme of things some can be repaired and the cheater will never cheat again. In most though, it spell the doom of the relationship or marriage as trust is an issue that many cannot move beyond or rebuild once it's taken a hit like cheating can create.
In several cases (for those number crunchers out there, about twelve tried to fix things and I actually met the spouses of four of them. The cheater was deeply sorrowful and knew that they'd messed up thing badly. In the majority I heard about the cheater being sorry, but usually only a small percentage of those were. Over all, out of the thirty six that cheated or were cheated on, ten had no plans to stay married or together regardless. The absence of the spouse was enough for them to look for a better situation that more filled their needs.
Surprise, absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder.
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Quote by fystee
ok I was just wondering because I think....once a cheater, always a cheater. Just from past experiences or whatver but I wanted to know what you guys thought about it.
I'm not a guy, but I don't believe they are any hard and fast rules that cover everything people do. Each person is different, making each case different, thus I don't agree with ...once a cheater, always a cheater. People change.
Yes, they are tendencies. People that cheat and get away with it are likely to do so again if similar circumstances arise. Fact is some people get caught and still cheat again after swearing they won't.
But all in all, there are no hard and fast rules that cover peoples conduct.
I have a girl friend that says all men are pigs. But you try to lump her daddy in there to make a point and she gets pissed!
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Gotta agree with ya there, LN. And welcome to the site!
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Quote by Boyd254
As an Adult male with a fair amount of relationships under my belt, I can only say one thing. Cheating is only bad if you find out. quote]
Big disagreement for me here. Cheating is CHEATING!!!! Whether found out or not; you are still cheating.
I realize LN that you can't categorize men for cheating; however I was asking their opinion on how they fealt about it. I realize that there are no rules or any books that can cover the affects of cheating and how it affects each individual person and how each person deals with it. I just honestly wanted to know how the guys fealt about cheating and whether or not they think the same things as girls.
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One 'incident' and the relationship is over! Whether she's the cheater or I am. Unless I didn't really care about her, you know, she's just a friend/sex partner. Then I might even watch.
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I agree, one time and it's over! Watching, however, is an entirely different situation.n2ksuHYV2dPKIvHS
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Watching...? Explain.
Advanced Wordsmith
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having cheated (not my fault btw... he moved away and i never had chance to leave him - so i suppose i'm still cheating)
i would say that it's not something i would engage in conciously (i have no way of finding him now so i've given up)
i have been cheated on, and i found it worringly easy to forgive him
not sure what that says about me...
but i just felt he needed another chance
i would say that it's not something i would engage in conciously (i have no way of finding him now so i've given up)
i have been cheated on, and i found it worringly easy to forgive him
not sure what that says about me...
but i just felt he needed another chance
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I agree with LNCorbin, i am also female and would like to express my views on this:
Now as much as I sympathies with broken hearts; I think you should always go in to each relationships or encounter you have with someone with an open mind, if they cheat on you or make a mistake that hurts you in any way you have to be grown up and make a decision; Ask yourself: are you able to forgive them and forget in time or would you forgive but keep making them pay for it? If you forgive and forget and they do it again then again you will ask the above questions and make a decision at that moment. Trust that you are a clever person and that you are responsible....for your own sexuality and what it entails...
The most important thing is not be afraid of people hurting you as then you attract a whole different circle of repeat mistakes and then unfortunately you will be cheating your self.
Now as much as I sympathies with broken hearts; I think you should always go in to each relationships or encounter you have with someone with an open mind, if they cheat on you or make a mistake that hurts you in any way you have to be grown up and make a decision; Ask yourself: are you able to forgive them and forget in time or would you forgive but keep making them pay for it? If you forgive and forget and they do it again then again you will ask the above questions and make a decision at that moment. Trust that you are a clever person and that you are responsible....for your own sexuality and what it entails...
The most important thing is not be afraid of people hurting you as then you attract a whole different circle of repeat mistakes and then unfortunately you will be cheating your self.
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I think too that one needs to decide...
Are they better off with them or without?
If with them, do they feel and know in their hearts that the cheating will not occur again?
If one can get the right answers to these questions, it makes it pretty simple on whether to keep or toss.
The largest problem would be for the cheated on to have the presence of mind to think clearly on the above questions.
Are they better off with them or without?
If with them, do they feel and know in their hearts that the cheating will not occur again?
If one can get the right answers to these questions, it makes it pretty simple on whether to keep or toss.
The largest problem would be for the cheated on to have the presence of mind to think clearly on the above questions.
Flutterby Pharie
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Ive been cheated on, right in front of my face. And never realized it until later. I dont cheat, and I feel sorry for those that do cheat. Its pathetic!
♥ Listen, touch, and look around in the air and on the ground. If you watch all nature's things, you might just see a fairy's wings. ♥
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During the first year of our marriage my spouse fell to another while out with her co-workers. The following year or two was difficult and we came close to splitting up several times. I kept in mind that it was a one time alcohol involved with peer pressure added thing... and we managed to get past it. I will say that it was harder for me to stay with her than it probably would have been to just walk... but there are some things that have to be taken into account and after doing so, I realized that as long as it never happened again, I could get past this one time thing. We did, and she hasn't even given me a hint of doubt since then. It was right for us.
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I think it would all depend on the circumstances.
If she told you that she had cheated, it would show guilt and that she regretted her decision. Thus I would give her a second chance.
If i had found out about it threw other means and she didnt decide to come out into the open about it, it would be over.
If she told you that she had cheated, it would show guilt and that she regretted her decision. Thus I would give her a second chance.
If i had found out about it threw other means and she didnt decide to come out into the open about it, it would be over.
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Gowri has a good point about forgiving and forgetting. It's cruel to forgive and then make them pay for it every single day afterwards. That's not a loving relationship at that point.
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I've been with my current girlfriend for 2 years and we dont have an open relationship but we do swing and as a result its the first relationship ive been in where i havent been cheated on. I wear my heart on my sleeve and as a result ive beent aken advantage of but with the current system we both explore others together and remain very much in love. Cheating is more a state of mind than the physical act if they consider it once and follow through they will again. Hows the phrase go once a thief.. always a thief...?
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Once is to many, the relationship is over
Sassy Red-haired Beach Kat/Dune Goddess
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There is a reason the vows say "for better or worse". If you really are in love with a person, it is important to remember that humans are fallible creatures. They make mistakes, they are not perfect. It's how the "cheater" responds when there is disclosure of the broken trust that makes the difference. So I can't go with the "first time and you're out" theory. However, multiple indiscretions would be intolerable.
Also, have to agree that once you make the decision to forgive....you need to mean it. Otherwise the relationship will never heal.
As for the "watching"...there are all kinds of kink out there. I can't imagine judging someone's idea of what's arousing (unless it involves kids...but that is a WHOLE different topic...).
Also, have to agree that once you make the decision to forgive....you need to mean it. Otherwise the relationship will never heal.
As for the "watching"...there are all kinds of kink out there. I can't imagine judging someone's idea of what's arousing (unless it involves kids...but that is a WHOLE different topic...).
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