Join the best erotica focused adult social network now
Login

Ethical nonmonogamy

last reply
22 replies
2.5k views
0 watchers
0 likes
Guest
Lurker
Living a straight monogamous life myself, I am a bit intrigued with open marriages, and I have learned to not be judgmental of different ways to have your sex life. As long as nobody is hurt, it is ok by me.

I think cheating is hurtful. If you have sex with someone who is married or in a stable relationship, do you have an obligation to make sure that their SO is ok with it? Or is that completely the responsibility of your sex partner?
KellyC317
Active Ink Slinger
Good question. Since I have been married, over 40 years, I have been monogamous with men. My husband knows that on occasion I have a taste to be with over women and does not mind.
69Kisses96
Active Ink Slinger
I can only speak for myself. Monogamy isn't for everyone. have been married for 35 years. About halfway through, my wife started losing interest in sex. She has made it clear that as long as I don't flaunt my activities and she does not know about it, she doesn't care. None of that should be the responsibility of my partners to ascertain. That is strictly between my wife and I.
1nympholes
Active Ink Slinger
I knew that I would never have a Mrs. before my name and I certainly had no plans for children.

Then this guy came along and wanted us to spend our lives together. You know that no matter how much love we shared I was going to cheat. It is beyond my scope to think about only having sex with only man the rest of my life.

You know I declined and he asked in another way. After months of disagreement and dispute. We elected an Open Marriage so both of us could have sex with anyone we wanted, anytime and anyplace. It is a lot more open for me than my husband.

It works well for us because you know it is just about sex, not love and they are very different subjects.

I must have written on the subject two or three times before. But, maybe we have some new members.
Guest
Lurker
I am really happy for you 1nympholes You have found love and a person you want to spend your life with, and you can continue to be who you are and live your life the way you want and need to. If my wife wanted to life her life like that, I would be happy to let her, but she do not. She want us to be monogamous faithful to each other, and so be it.

My question is really: If you shold meet me, with my wedding ring, and we found out that we wanted to have sex, would you worry or care about the relationship between me and my wife, if she was all right with this?

Do you get questions about your wedding ring when you want to play? Is the fact that your husband is OK with it, of importance to your lovers?

Or is it as 69kisses96 states, a matter strictly between the husband and wife. If I want to play with you, it is my responsibility to think about the consequences for my marriage, not your concern?
ChuckEPoo
Chuckanator
Quote by Elling50
Living a straight monogamous life myself, I am a bit intrigued with open marriages, and I have learned to not be judgmental of different ways to have your sex life. As long as nobody is hurt, it is ok by me.

I think cheating is hurtful. If you have sex with someone who is married or in a stable relationship, do you have an obligation to make sure that their SO is ok with it? Or is that completely the responsibility of your sex partner?


This is a great question. I applaud you for maintaining a faithful monogamous marriage. We've been married 22 years with two of those years open. I can truthfully say that once you step over the line that it is hard to go back. We've had mixed reviews. First of all, no matter what people say the risks are high. The other thing is that unless your marriage is rock solid don't concider it.

However it really is not cheating. It is quite the opposite. We were not different than most couples. Sex and love were interchangeable. But after an infidelity on both our sides we discovered through therapy that our love for each other had not dimished. Now we have more trust and confidence in us as a couple than ever before. There is no temptation to cheat, and our relationship is open and honest.

Another thing is that if you choose to have an open marriage, it doesn't necessarily mean sex with others. It can mean something as simple as openly discussing one another's fantasies without judgment. When we did this we were amazed we found out we had more in common than we ever knew. So now we don't suppress anything.

The risks though are astronomical. That is why they have swingers clubs in virtually every town. It lessens the Heath risks with all being tested. Does jealousy exist? Of course. It is basic nature.

It's the fantasy of what so many writers fantasize about I caution. Picking up strangers is not only risky on the health side but on the relational side too. What happens when some random wacko starts stalking your wife or husband. It happened to us. Some of the scariest times of our life.

Most psychologists will rightfully steer you away from open marriage. The failure rate is beyond traditional marriage. If it were possible to step back... We probably would. But as I said... When you step over that line it is a giant leap.
Beffer
Rainbow Warrior
I've been bi-sexual virtually all of my sexually active years, and being exclusive to one gender would be impossible for me, because I love sex with both genders equally, so anyone who has involved themselves with me has had to accept that monogamy for me is highly impractical. If I married a man, he'd have to share me with other women, and if I married a woman, she'd have to share me with men, so it was more realistic for me simply not to get married. Fortunately, I found a guy who was willing to share me with other women, and after realizing that it was just sex and nothing more, he began sharing me with other men too. With every outside partner I hook-up with, I make sure I'm not stepping on anyone else's toes, or they don't get initiated into my circle of FWB's. I never want to help anyone cheat, so I get to know everything about them before we enter into a sexual relationship.
1nympholes
Active Ink Slinger
Elling50... Bethany is a smart and experienced woman who is generally right on the spot. But in this case she is very much wrong. Unless she goes to her man and tells him who and what and how long. This I doubt is the case. IT IS CHEATING!

My husband most times as no idea who I am with and when I will be back. I do try and keep him informed that I am safe and some idea when to expect me.

A wedding ring is not of any concern to me, but it is to some potential guys or gals. My position has always been that either his/her spouse knows and understands his/her needs if she does not approve. Or his relationship is so stressed that if it were not me, it would be someone else.

Elling, I fail to understand how anyone could live the monogamous life you do.


I just read what Whitney has shared of our lives with her Lush Family. I am not going to tell the first time I laid my eyes on her I was thinking Open Marriage. I had known a lot of coeds in my college days, and none of them came close to her in any way. Yes, we disagreed on this subject, but I knew this was not a battle I could ever win and still have her in my life. She has provided me with two bright, beautiful and accomplished grown daughters. She will be the matriarch of this family one day, and all have accepted the concept even if we are only related my marriage. Always remember we both have the same sexual options. I do sometimes worry about her safety, but she assures me she is well trained to protect herself. This, I believe. The idea that she will meet someone else and leave me never crosses my mind.

After all, this is about sex and not love and loyalty.
sprite
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by ChuckEPoo


This is a great question. I applaud you for maintaining a faithful monogamous marriage. We've been married 22 years with two of those years open. I can truthfully say that once you step over the line that it is hard to go back. We've had mixed reviews. First of all, no matter what people say the risks are high. The other thing is that unless your marriage is rock solid don't concider it.

However it really is not cheating. It is quite the opposite. We were not different than most couples. Sex and love were interchangeable. But after an infidelity on both our sides we discovered through therapy that our love for each other had not dimished. Now we have more trust and confidence in us as a couple than ever before. There is no temptation to cheat, and our relationship is open and honest.

Another thing is that if you choose to have an open marriage, it doesn't necessarily mean sex with others. It can mean something as simple as openly discussing one another's fantasies without judgment. When we did this we were amazed we found out we had more in common than we ever knew. So now we don't suppress anything.

The risks though are astronomical. That is why they have swingers clubs in virtually every town. It lessens the Heath risks with all being tested. Does jealousy exist? Of course. It is basic nature.

It's the fantasy of what so many writers fantasize about I caution. Picking up strangers is not only risky on the health side but on the relational side too. What happens when some random wacko starts stalking your wife or husband. It happened to us. Some of the scariest times of our life.

Most psychologists will rightfully steer you away from open marriage. The failure rate is beyond traditional marriage. If it were possible to step back... We probably would. But as I said... When you step over that line it is a giant leap.


btw, for the record? i'd totally do your wife. just in case... *grins*

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
noll
"insensitive prick!" – Danielle Algo
Quote by Elling50
Living a straight monogamous life myself, I am a bit intrigued with open marriages, and I have learned to not be judgmental of different ways to have your sex life. As long as nobody is hurt, it is ok by me.

I think cheating is hurtful. If you have sex with someone who is married or in a stable relationship, do you have an obligation to make sure that their SO is ok with it? Or is that completely the responsibility of your sex partner?


I share your fascination, but have no experience with open relations either.

I'd say that the one who's having sex outside their relation is the one solely responsible for that relation and whether their SO is okay with them doing so. The person they're having sex with is responsible for their own conscience and whether they think it's okay to have sex with someone who's in a relation and of who they may or may not know what their SO thinks about them having sex. They don't have any real obligations towards the SO of their sex partner. This is different if they have a personal relationship with that SO of course. Then their obligations are defined by that relationship I'd say.


===  Not ALL LIVES MATTER until BLACK LIVES MATTER  ===
TheUprightMan
'tis himself!
Quote by Elling50
Living a straight monogamous life myself, I am a bit intrigued with open marriages, and I have learned to not be judgmental of different ways to have your sex life. As long as nobody is hurt, it is ok by me.

I think cheating is hurtful. If you have sex with someone who is married or in a stable relationship, do you have an obligation to make sure that their SO is ok with it? Or is that completely the responsibility of your sex partner?


My standard is "fully-informed, competent, consenting adults." If all parties are not fully-informed, including relevant spouses (spice?), then it's generally not ethical. I have broken that rule once or twice, but generally only in very special cases. There was one lass whose husband had not touched her for two years, and she'd had to literally beg for sex for the preceding five or so. I figured he didn't want her, which is OK, but then he was denying her sex, which is not, so it's legit for her to get it elsewhere.
noll
"insensitive prick!" – Danielle Algo
Quote by TheUprightMan
My standard is "fully-informed, competent, consenting adults." If all parties are not fully-informed, including relevant spouses (spice?), then it's generally not ethical. I have broken that rule once or twice, but generally only in very special cases. There was one lass whose husband had not touched her for two years, and she'd had to literally beg for sex for the preceding five or so. I figured he didn't want her, which is OK, but then he was denying her sex, which is not, so it's legit for her to get it elsewhere.


Is it one's obligation to thoroughly interview a one-night stand lover about their relationship status, and if they're in one, about their partner's take on this one-night stand? If your lover doesn't care about their partner, why should it be on you to care? I'm not saying people shouldn't care, but I just don't think they have an obligation towards a lover's partner per se.
Maybe I misinterpret what you you mean though. If the partner does not consent then it is unethical indeed, but in my mind only the cheating lover is to blame for that. They have an understanding with their partner, the one they're cheating with doesn't.


===  Not ALL LIVES MATTER until BLACK LIVES MATTER  ===
Regnadkcin
Active Ink Slinger
I have thought about this a bit. Unfortunately, I'll give a bit of a weasely answer. It depends.

When I was single, I was an ethical slut (the male version). I experienced a lot and tried very hard not to hurt others.

When I dated exclusively my a partner, I never cheated and I expected her not to as well. I found some partners unable to be honest or not to cheat. Not cool.

When permanently paired up, I don't cheat and neither does she.

I need emotion and real feelings towards a person to sleep with them. I am too jealous to live in an open marriage. But, I could see myself in a Polyamorous arrangement where all three have a mutual committed relationship. My partner would never go for this, so it remains buried.

In essence, I think it depends upon the nature of the relationship and what portion honesty has in that relationship. As others say, fully informed consent is a must. With a committed partner, I wouldn't do it. But I can see others making it work, just not me (or my current Partner).
Beffer
Rainbow Warrior
Quote by 1nympholes
Elling50... Bethany is a smart and experienced woman who is generally right on the spot. But in this case she is very much wrong. Unless she goes to her man and tells him who and what and how long. This I doubt is the case. IT IS CHEATING!




Not sure where you got the idea that I don't share every detail of my extra-curricular activities with David, but I can assure you, I do. That's the whole idea, actually! He always knows who I'm with, where, and everything we do together. And we usually have sex right afterwards, so he can feel their 'deposit' inside me. That's the part he gets off on.

Only twice have I been involved in ethically sketchy relationships. Two of my FWB's acquired a girlfriend while we were still active together, and they didn't tell their gf's that they were screwing me, so I eventually put a stop to the sex when it appeared they were getting serious.
69Kisses96
Active Ink Slinger
Folks get too hung up on labels and judging. If you are happy and are personally okay with your sexual ethics, that should be enough.
Meggsy
Active Ink Slinger
I could in no way be monogamous. I began to enjoyed sex with many boys at a very early age. I was 16 when I experienced my same sex relationship. and enjoyed the experience and I have never regressed.
Our FWB (3M3F) group was established by myself and my girlfriend a couple of years ago following many unsuccessful attempts to get people willing to share the pleasure of sex without becoming possessive. This arrangement has been working without any problems since. All of us have agreed that we can enjoy the pleasure with others outside the group providing we advise everybody else that we have and the circumstances. Two of our group have found they can live as a couple and still enjoy the experience within our group and continue to do so without fear or favor.
1nympholes
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Guest
I am really happy for you 1nympholes You have found love and a person you want to spend your life with, and you can continue to be who you are and live your life the way you want and need to. If my wife wanted to life her life like that, I would be happy to let her, but she do not. She want us to be monogamous faithful to each other, and so be it.

My question is really: If you shold meet me, with my wedding ring, and we found out that we wanted to have sex, would you worry or care about the relationship between me and my wife, if she was all right with this?

Do you get questions about your wedding ring when you want to play? Is the fact that your husband is OK with it, of importance to your lovers?

Or is it as 69kisses96 states, a matter strictly between the husband and wife. If I want to play with you, it is my responsibility to think about the consequences for my marriage, not your concern?


Remember it is about sex and not about love and faithfulness. I think we are very faithful to each other. I just have this little burning sex need that seems only to be satisfied in one way with sex with someone else. That does not mean I am dissatisfied in our sexual relationship in any way.

I am not concerned if a person has a ring or not. If everything were being fulfilled at home, then he/she would not be here. Would they? You know if your man or your woman has that itch only one thing can solve it.

I have had people lose interest in visiting a more private place, once they realize that I am married. Some have even question if my spouse knows I am out and available? My standard answer is "That is between me and my spouse and is a non-factor this evening."

Should you tell your husband/wife or should you know that the person you are with has advised their spouse? There can be no standard answer and why do you need pre-approval we are not going shopping for a new home.

It should be between each couple to define the degree of disclosure. Very likely at one time or another one of the couple is going to cheat.
1nympholes
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by ChuckEPoo


This is a great question. I applaud you for maintaining a faithful monogamous marriage. We've been married 22 years with two of those years open. I can truthfully say that once you step over the line that it is hard to go back. We've had mixed reviews. First of all, no matter what people say the risks are high. The other thing is that unless your marriage is rock solid don't concider it.

However it really is not cheating. It is quite the opposite. We were not different than most couples. Sex and love were interchangeable. But after an infidelity on both our sides we discovered through therapy that our love for each other had not dimished. Now we have more trust and confidence in us as a couple than ever before. There is no temptation to cheat, and our relationship is open and honest.

Another thing is that if you choose to have an open marriage, it doesn't necessarily mean sex with others. It can mean something as simple as openly discussing one another's fantasies without judgment. When we did this we were amazed we found out we had more in common than we ever knew. So now we don't suppress anything.

The risks though are astronomical. That is why they have swingers clubs in virtually every town. It lessens the Heath risks with all being tested. Does jealousy exist? Of course. It is basic nature.

It's the fantasy of what so many writers fantasize about I caution. Picking up strangers is not only risky on the health side but on the relational side too. What happens when some random wacko starts stalking your wife or husband. It happened to us. Some of the scariest times of our life.

Most psychologists will rightfully steer you away from open marriage. The failure rate is beyond traditional marriage. If it were possible to step back... We probably would. But as I said... When you step over that line it is a giant leap.


I agree that the Matrimonial Risks are higher in an Open Marriage, especially if you somewhere along the path decide to make the change.

I knew, I would cheat and therefore Open Marriage was the only option available to us. An additional consideration is that we have never lived in any other manner. That may not be true of most others.
Unknown User
From long experience, I know that I am more open to being open than my wife would be (as in, she wouldn't be at all). In fact, if I had it all to do over again, I'd probably be more like 1nympholes; admit that traditional monogamy isn't for me and shoot for someone who would accept being in an open arrangement of some kind. But that isn't my reality and, for the moment, I've stopped cheating as well (only ever did so with escorts anyhow). Open relationships are a wonderful idea but just aren't going to happen for me so I need to make the best of what I have. High five to those who have them and are enjoying them, though.
ChuckEPoo
Chuckanator
Quote by 1nympholes


I agree that the Matrimonial Risks are higher in an Open Marriage, especially if you somewhere along the path decide to make the change.

I knew, I would cheat and therefore Open Marriage was the only option available to us. An additional consideration is that we have never lived in any other manner. That may not be true of most others.



I agree with all you say. To have a successful open marriage it requires one basic thing. The ability to separate love and sex. Not everyone can do that. For a guy to see his wife with another man it can be a horrible gut wrenching experience. It still gives me some apprehension. But I also understand shes not making love, just sex.

julie_bristol
Active Ink Slinger
To go back to the original question, and to give a view from the UK:
-it's not cheating if both of us have properly discussed, considered, and agreed to an open marriage (as I have)
-for some people (not all, but like me), sex and love can be separate things - which also means that sex can happen WITH love
-if I'm having sex with someone outside of MY marriage, it's none of my business about the state of THEIR marriage

Monogamy must be a wonderful thing if somehow you can make it work. Personally I think it's fundamentally contrary to human nature and "just" a social (religious?) construct to attempt to control us (but has some benefits in stopping in-breeding, spread of STDs etc). If (and only if) both husband and wife have agreed to it, then I see nothing wrong with it at all (safe sex, of course).

Just adding my penny-worth from the Brit side of the Pond.
Jx
honeydipped
The Bee's Knees
no, i don’t believe that you owe any loyalty to the other person's partner. after all, they're in the relationship - not you. this can get quite tricky, however, if you have a relationship with their significant other. on both accounts, i believe it boils down to what you feel is right or wrong.

Say. Her. Name.