I know I'm quite new to the community here, and this is a bit of a heavy topic...I apologise for that.
We are fortunate to have two beautiful children aged 6 and 3. That in itself at one point didn't seem at all likely as my wife had 3 early miscarriages before we had our eldest. We always wanted 3 children, we're both from families with 3 children in. Getting pregnant has taken a long time every time for my wife...so we were thrilled when she eventually did this time. She had a miscarriage again though earlier this week...but at 11 weeks this time. The scan was due to be on Tuesday.
How have others on here dealt with the pain and grief of miscarriage? In particular, I'd like to hear from other men. My wife has been given lots of support from both the medical profession and from her friends. When I've told friends and family they have all expressed lots of concern for my wife...as they should...however no-one has said much to me. I know us men are particularly bad at saying how we feel, and it's probably my own fault, but I get the impression that people expect me not to really be affected by this.
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Big-haired Bitch/Personality Hire
I know you wanted to hear from men, but if it helps, my mom had several miscarriages before she and my dad made the decision to adopt (me). The decision was made after many, many complications led to her needing to undergo a hysterectomy.
It's always been something she's had trouble talking about, although she says it has gotten easier over the past few years.
My dad, on the other hand, has never had trouble discussing it, which he often did/does when my mom couldn't/can't. My dad and most of his friends all got married within years of each other, so fatherhood was just one more thing they thought they'd experience together. He said after the first 2 miscarriages, he stopped even mentioning to them when my mom got pregnant. But they were good friends, so they knew he was down and he eventually opened up. He had a support system much like the one you describe with your wife. His friends always told him that they know he'd be down for a while, but if he felt himself falling deeper into the pit, give them a call. My dad said that it was great to share the burden with someone besides my mom (because they're both going through it) and with someone that they could trust.
No one ever really knows what to say to someone going through these things besides all of the cliche things you expect to hear. I'm not sure what your friendship situation is, but my dad always says that just knowing he could share the burden with someone other than my mom was what helped him through it. Shared strength really goes a long way. As I said, I'm not sure what your friendship situation is, but is there someone(s) that you trust enough to completely open up to about this? It can be as simple as saying exactly what you've just shared with everyone when you started this topic.
As far as people expecting you not to be affected by this, I doubt that's the case. I will say that people are probably expecting you to be the brave one (stigma attached to being the man in the relationship, which isn't going anywhere anytime soon). If you're putting on a brave front, people are gonna believe it and stand in solidarity with you. It does take guts to say 'Hey, I'm hurting too, I can use an encouraging word or two!' But ultimately if you appear as if you're holding it together nicely, then you're not gonna get much more than the cliche words of encouragement.
Your wife probably gets the brunt of the attention because she's dealing with the physical as well as the emotional toll of the miscarriages. But it absolutely does not mean that no one cares about how you're being affected in all of this.
Someone simply asking you how you were feeling or holding up was them expressing their concern, so answer honestly. It's really the only way.
It's always been something she's had trouble talking about, although she says it has gotten easier over the past few years.
My dad, on the other hand, has never had trouble discussing it, which he often did/does when my mom couldn't/can't. My dad and most of his friends all got married within years of each other, so fatherhood was just one more thing they thought they'd experience together. He said after the first 2 miscarriages, he stopped even mentioning to them when my mom got pregnant. But they were good friends, so they knew he was down and he eventually opened up. He had a support system much like the one you describe with your wife. His friends always told him that they know he'd be down for a while, but if he felt himself falling deeper into the pit, give them a call. My dad said that it was great to share the burden with someone besides my mom (because they're both going through it) and with someone that they could trust.
No one ever really knows what to say to someone going through these things besides all of the cliche things you expect to hear. I'm not sure what your friendship situation is, but my dad always says that just knowing he could share the burden with someone other than my mom was what helped him through it. Shared strength really goes a long way. As I said, I'm not sure what your friendship situation is, but is there someone(s) that you trust enough to completely open up to about this? It can be as simple as saying exactly what you've just shared with everyone when you started this topic.
As far as people expecting you not to be affected by this, I doubt that's the case. I will say that people are probably expecting you to be the brave one (stigma attached to being the man in the relationship, which isn't going anywhere anytime soon). If you're putting on a brave front, people are gonna believe it and stand in solidarity with you. It does take guts to say 'Hey, I'm hurting too, I can use an encouraging word or two!' But ultimately if you appear as if you're holding it together nicely, then you're not gonna get much more than the cliche words of encouragement.
Your wife probably gets the brunt of the attention because she's dealing with the physical as well as the emotional toll of the miscarriages. But it absolutely does not mean that no one cares about how you're being affected in all of this.
Someone simply asking you how you were feeling or holding up was them expressing their concern, so answer honestly. It's really the only way.
"What is the quality of your intent?" - Thurgood Marshall
Thank you Dani. Taking the time to write all that means a lot to me. It's difficult to know how to respond when asked "how are you?" or "are you ok?". I'm guessing we've all been in the situation where we've asked similar questions to others and been answered perhaps more honestly than we anticipated. I think you're right though...I probably do need to properly open up to someone I trust and stop thinking about what people think about me.
Bonnet Flaunter
Apologies as I am obviously not a man!! But I am have been supporting a couple, both dear friends of mine who have suffered 5 miscarriages in the past 3 years. Although I am very concerned about both of them it is actually the husband who I am more worried about. The wife is very open about what she is going through, physically and treatment wise and is incredibly strong, pragmatic and determined to have a healthy baby eventually. Whereas it has been very hard to gauge how the husband is feeling and he has not been able to talk about it. Because of the pressure of this, he has recently been off work with anxiety and depression. This has actually been positive as its given him time to spend with supportive friends like myself. Even if he doesn't want to talk, its vital he knows that we all care, and are just as concerned about him as we are about his wife.
Maybe when people ask about your wife, they are asking about you both implicitly, but can see you find it difficult to talk about it. My heart goes out to you and your wife at this devastating time. Thinking of you both.
Maybe when people ask about your wife, they are asking about you both implicitly, but can see you find it difficult to talk about it. My heart goes out to you and your wife at this devastating time. Thinking of you both.
Active Ink Slinger
I completely agree with Dani. I had a miscarriage a couple years ago. For the most part, I was the one that got the attention. Though thankfully we hadn't told a lot of people, there were still a few who knew. Of course, we both put on a stoic face and gave the trite, 'it was meant to be' response to who ever asked. I'm sad to say, though we went through it together, my husband didn't get the support that he should have. What's even worse is that I didn't give him that support.
So, please ask for it. Find friends that you can confide in. I guarantee you that someone you know has been through this, it is wide spread. Most every woman will loose a baby at one time or another. Also don't be afraid to open up to your wife. Yes it's the "role" of the man to be the pillar of strength. But you're hurting too. You can cry together, and I'm sure she will appreciate knowing that you're just as hurt by this and she's not doing it alone.
It will get easier over time. You will still hurt. I miss that baby that never was. But as time passes and I look into the eyes of my perfect son, the pain eases.
My heart goes out to you and your wife, and though you might feel like it, you're not alone.
Mama.
So, please ask for it. Find friends that you can confide in. I guarantee you that someone you know has been through this, it is wide spread. Most every woman will loose a baby at one time or another. Also don't be afraid to open up to your wife. Yes it's the "role" of the man to be the pillar of strength. But you're hurting too. You can cry together, and I'm sure she will appreciate knowing that you're just as hurt by this and she's not doing it alone.
It will get easier over time. You will still hurt. I miss that baby that never was. But as time passes and I look into the eyes of my perfect son, the pain eases.
My heart goes out to you and your wife, and though you might feel like it, you're not alone.
Mama.
There hasn't been anyone close to me going through this, or at least I don't know about it.
I didn't even know that it happened not so rarely till a video blogger from my country made a video talking about her miscarriages. She's a very nice girl who already had a child and she and her husband had been trying to have another for sometime. She had no problems with the first one, but then she had two or three miscarriages. She also didn't know that happens more often than most people think, so made the video to talk about it and create some awareness.
I can't even imagine how you both feel and I don't really have words of wisdom to share... but I just wanted to give you a hug.
I didn't even know that it happened not so rarely till a video blogger from my country made a video talking about her miscarriages. She's a very nice girl who already had a child and she and her husband had been trying to have another for sometime. She had no problems with the first one, but then she had two or three miscarriages. She also didn't know that happens more often than most people think, so made the video to talk about it and create some awareness.
I can't even imagine how you both feel and I don't really have words of wisdom to share... but I just wanted to give you a hug.
Active Ink Slinger
I feel like the latecomer here, but as a guy I felt it was important to speak up.
My wife and I had a miscarriage about a year ago. We have one child and were way way excited to have kid 2. We were 10 weeks or so in, and we went in for the first ultrasound to find a gestational sac and a correctly-sized little one, but with no heartbeat.
We were both heartbroken to say the least. I happened to be on my OB/GYN rotation at the hospital at the time, and despite being surrounded by women in various stages of growing and birthing babies, I think it was helpful. There were a lot of reminders around, obviously, of what happened to us, but at the same time it was heartening to know that many of these women had a history of miscarriages and were now having perfectly healthy babies. It is kind of surprising how many women do have a miscarriage (or multiple); we all probably know several people who have had them; it's just one of those things that most people don't talk about.
As far as advice goes... I dunno dude. You have to deal with it in your own way, because it's SUCH a personal experience. I'm a helper by nature, so I was happy to be there and be strong for my wife, and that helped me get through it. Others may have to do some writing, yelling, sports, crying or running nekkid through the woods. Find what feels cathartic to you and do it.
My wife and I had a miscarriage about a year ago. We have one child and were way way excited to have kid 2. We were 10 weeks or so in, and we went in for the first ultrasound to find a gestational sac and a correctly-sized little one, but with no heartbeat.
We were both heartbroken to say the least. I happened to be on my OB/GYN rotation at the hospital at the time, and despite being surrounded by women in various stages of growing and birthing babies, I think it was helpful. There were a lot of reminders around, obviously, of what happened to us, but at the same time it was heartening to know that many of these women had a history of miscarriages and were now having perfectly healthy babies. It is kind of surprising how many women do have a miscarriage (or multiple); we all probably know several people who have had them; it's just one of those things that most people don't talk about.
As far as advice goes... I dunno dude. You have to deal with it in your own way, because it's SUCH a personal experience. I'm a helper by nature, so I was happy to be there and be strong for my wife, and that helped me get through it. Others may have to do some writing, yelling, sports, crying or running nekkid through the woods. Find what feels cathartic to you and do it.
Active Ink Slinger
It has been about 24 years ago when Issa became pregnant and was near 12 weeks when she miscarriage. It was probably the most difficult thing ever to go thru she was completely distraught and I was not able to express any feelings to her about it. Then 10 years ago my step-daughter had one and after finding out from my wife it all flooded back to me. My dad said well your mother always had issues, but nothing of this magnitude because she never wanted any more children. I was so mad that he could say "its no big deal" I just hung up the phone. My wife knew little about Issa, but knew I was angry and after telling her of the hurt I'd held for so long I realized how Issa had felt. There was a female we knew who had a child by her uncle that was never healthy and would have been born around The same time as our child. She has talked some about it over the years with me, but it took me forever to talk openly. That was what ended us and I feel that my inability to talk to her caused it. Its a very sad part of my life that I never will get back.
Devil's Advocate
We lost our baby about the same time. It was almost a physical blow that seemed to tear something from me in the moment. But the distress my wife was going through, compounded by the insensitivity of the ultrasound technician, took over. I had to flip into man mode to try and support her.
What should have been an exciting experience, seeing and hearing the little one growing up a storm, was ruined. I'm more pragmatic than most, and my focus became protecting our other child from the loss.
Our doctor was really great, researching some resources for us and making sure we were okay. My boss too was surprisingly good. Most other people who knew were full of unhelpful platitudes, which, perhaps unfairly, felt insincere. So we kept it from everyone else. That doesn't feel right either.
Plenty of Small Bump by Ed Sheeran and a few tears, and for the most part, I'm just trying to get on with it. But I still deeply miss my child.
What should have been an exciting experience, seeing and hearing the little one growing up a storm, was ruined. I'm more pragmatic than most, and my focus became protecting our other child from the loss.
Our doctor was really great, researching some resources for us and making sure we were okay. My boss too was surprisingly good. Most other people who knew were full of unhelpful platitudes, which, perhaps unfairly, felt insincere. So we kept it from everyone else. That doesn't feel right either.
Plenty of Small Bump by Ed Sheeran and a few tears, and for the most part, I'm just trying to get on with it. But I still deeply miss my child.
My latest story is a racy little piece about what happens when someone cute from work invites you over to watch Netflix and Chill.
Short Arse Brit
Quote by Wilful
We lost our baby about the same time. It was almost a physical blow that seemed to tear something from me in the moment. But the distress my wife was going through, compounded by the insensitivity of the ultrasound technician, took over. I had to flip into man mode to try and support her.
What should have been an exciting experience, seeing and hearing the little one growing up a storm, was ruined. I'm more pragmatic than most, and my focus became protecting our other child from the loss.
Our doctor was really great, researching some resources for us and making sure we were okay. My boss too was surprisingly good. Most other people who knew were full of unhelpful platitudes, which, perhaps unfairly, felt insincere. So we kept it from everyone else. That doesn't feel right either.
Plenty of Small Bump by Ed Sheeran and a few tears, and for the most part, I'm just trying to get on with it. But I still deeply miss my child.
Will
I am going to post now and PM you ok.
My love to you and your wife for your loss.
You know I adore you yes?
The Duchess of Tart
Please check out my new story, co-written with the amazing Wilful.
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/long-time-coming.aspx
And my latest poem, The Temptation.
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/erotic-poems/the-temptation.aspx
Please check out my new story, co-written with the amazing Wilful.
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/long-time-coming.aspx
And my latest poem, The Temptation.
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/erotic-poems/the-temptation.aspx
Short Arse Brit
Quote by MrMark
I know I'm quite new to the community here, and this is a bit of a heavy topic...I apologise for that.
We are fortunate to have two beautiful children aged 6 and 3. That in itself at one point didn't seem at all likely as my wife had 3 early miscarriages before we had our eldest. We always wanted 3 children, we're both from families with 3 children in. Getting pregnant has taken a long time every time for my wife...so we were thrilled when she eventually did this time. She had a miscarriage again though earlier this week...but at 11 weeks this time. The scan was due to be on Tuesday.
How have others on here dealt with the pain and grief of miscarriage? In particular, I'd like to hear from other men. My wife has been given lots of support from both the medical profession and from her friends. When I've told friends and family they have all expressed lots of concern for my wife...as they should...however no-one has said much to me. I know us men are particularly bad at saying how we feel, and it's probably my own fault, but I get the impression that people expect me not to really be affected by this.
Mark.
First of all my sincere condolences for your loss; it’s an awful tragic thing to lose a child. I hope you are both holding up at this hardest at times.
The truth is there is nothing but time that can heal this for you and you wife; I do hope she wasn’t too far along, not that that negates your loss.
I lost two babies. What was worst for me was that it’s not now standard procedure to conduct a D&C so both times the Dr’s told me my body would naturally purge its self (horrific I think). The first child I lost I was left bleeding on and off for 6 months and the Dr’s told me that if after 6 months it continued they would send me for a D&C. Every time I bled it was a constant reminder of my loss and I got so very depressed I ended up having to have counselling to help me cope with my loss.
I already had a daughter from my marriage and the second pregnancy was not planned but I loved that child from the moment I knew he or she was there and was utterly devastated to lose them whichever they were girl or boy didn’t matter to me. My friend got me a book when I had my eldest daughter and it said to have a child is for God to take your heart and give it arms and legs and I for one have never read anything that can identify the love of a child by a parent more.
My second was less horrific but far more emotional in some ways because I became obsessed with having another baby and that took time. I wanted back what I lost and I got depressed every month when it didn’t happen. Then I did but days after finding out I woke up cramping and miscarried at home alone and was once again devastated.
I decided then that I was not going to do it anymore, put myself through that so although my partner had no kids of his own and wanted them with me he understood why and we agreed never to do it again and put ourselves through the pain and loss.
We moved homes and were moving on and during a random ‘Rutt’ on the sofa when Arsenal were kicking Tottenham Hotspur arses in the North London Derby I fell pregnant again. At this time he and I hadn’t handled out losses well and were going to break up, but then I fell pregnant and I can’t say how I felt, I so wanted the baby so did he, but we were so on edge expecting the worst.
I was at work and was 10 weeks pregnant and I went to the bathroom I didn’t feel good and found myself bleeding and my heart broke. My boss found me and called my partner and he was just as resigned as I was that it had happened again; I was numb.
I was brought in and sent for a scan and I was crying silent tears and I didn’t even look at the screen. I knew in my heart what they were going to say and my partner was looking at me and being strong and holding my hand but I felt nothing. I wasn’t looking I didn’t care all I knew was I simply couldn’t go through that again and part of me hated him for doing it to me again and they suddenly said we have a heart beat!. NEVER in my entire life had I heard better words; it took a while to register and for me to dare look at what she said that couldn’t possibly be true; could it I didn’t dare to hope.
It was I don’t know what caused the bleeding but my son was alive and I don’t think I have ever cried harder than I did at that moment. They watched me carefully and the pregnancy I was on eggshells the entire time, especially after they said I was having a boy. It’s fairly common in my family starting with my Nan that some of us are unable to carry both sexes. My Nan had 6 boys and several miscarriages; all girls. She was unable to carry girls and the same has been for a few cousins whether it be girls or boy so I always assumed I couldn’t too and that my losses were boys. But he was born; fast as hell too but I didn’t breathe easy till they gave him to me and I knew he was here, healthy and alive.
I fell pregnant again quite fast. I was less worried that time and as it turned out I was having another girl. So and I now have 2 beautiful daughters aged 15 and 6 and a gorgeous son who is 7 and I am thankful for them .
I always think of the babies I lost and the way I have to look at it now, that people told me at the time, was that it just wasn’t meant to be. Having my son and daughter has relieved the pain in my heart to the extent that I can now deal with that by knowing that if I had had those two precious babes that I would not have my Reece and Giorgia but I still love them and miss them and wonder about them.
I saw a while back Mark, while I was looking for things to read here, that you wrote the most beautiful poem; I think writing helps you deal with your loss does it not?
There really is no answer to your question sweetheart and my heart aches for you and your wife. We all have to find a coping mechanism, one that works for us; mine was counselling and then having two children who are amazing in every way and they keep me busy too lol. But ultimately time is the healer but does one ever really get over a loss?; especially that of a child?
I am sending you and your wife big hugs and I hope something I have said helps; maybe not we all deal with grief in our own way. Please if you ever need to talk or a shoulder to cry on I am here.; having put myself out there in this post which I seldom do. But you were brave enough to write this forum and your poem so I wanted to do this and let you know you are not alone in your loss.
Kiera xo
The Duchess of Tart
Please check out my new story, co-written with the amazing Wilful.
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/long-time-coming.aspx
And my latest poem, The Temptation.
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/erotic-poems/the-temptation.aspx
Please check out my new story, co-written with the amazing Wilful.
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/long-time-coming.aspx
And my latest poem, The Temptation.
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/erotic-poems/the-temptation.aspx
Quote by Wilful
We lost our baby about the same time. It was almost a physical blow that seemed to tear something from me in the moment. But the distress my wife was going through, compounded by the insensitivity of the ultrasound technician, took over. I had to flip into man mode to try and support her.
What should have been an exciting experience, seeing and hearing the little one growing up a storm, was ruined. I'm more pragmatic than most, and my focus became protecting our other child from the loss.
Our doctor was really great, researching some resources for us and making sure we were okay. My boss too was surprisingly good. Most other people who knew were full of unhelpful platitudes, which, perhaps unfairly, felt insincere. So we kept it from everyone else. That doesn't feel right either.
Plenty of Small Bump by Ed Sheeran and a few tears, and for the most part, I'm just trying to get on with it. But I still deeply miss my child.
Big hugs to you and your wife. For us, the loss we've felt has been similar to the grief that we've felt when people we've loved have died. Just because we've never actually been able to hold or touch or talk to our baby, doesn't mean that the loss is any different.
It was really difficult talking to people about it. Obviously some people had to know - work, family, etc - and even though I dreaded every conversation I had to have, everyone I spoke to was really supportive, and really understanding. I found out that a lot of people I know have been in similar situations and could empathise very well - it seems that miscarriage affects an awful lot of people, but that so many people are too scared to talk about it and to let others know how they are feeling.
I hope that you are getting the support you need. If you ever want to message me about anything, feel free.
Quote by kiera
Mark.
First of all my sincere condolences for your loss; it’s an awful tragic thing to lose a child. I hope you are both holding up at this hardest at times.
The truth is there is nothing but time that can heal this for you and you wife; I do hope she wasn’t too far along, not that that negates your loss.
I lost two babies. What was worst for me was that it’s not now standard procedure to conduct a D&C so both times the Dr’s told me my body would naturally purge its self (horrific I think). The first child I lost I was left bleeding on and off for 6 months and the Dr’s told me that if after 6 months it continued they would send me for a D&C. Every time I bled it was a constant reminder of my loss and I got so very depressed I ended up having to have counselling to help me cope with my loss.
I already had a daughter from my marriage and the second pregnancy was not planned but I loved that child from the moment I knew he or she was there and was utterly devastated to lose them whichever they were girl or boy didn’t matter to me. My friend got me a book when I had my eldest daughter and it said to have a child is for God to take your heart and give it arms and legs and I for one have never read anything that can identify the love of a child by a parent more.
My second was less horrific but far more emotional in some ways because I became obsessed with having another baby and that took time. I wanted back what I lost and I got depressed every month when it didn’t happen. Then I did but days after finding out I woke up cramping and miscarried at home alone and was once again devastated.
I decided then that I was not going to do it anymore, put myself through that so although my partner had no kids of his own and wanted them with me he understood why and we agreed never to do it again and put ourselves through the pain and loss.
We moved homes and were moving on and during a random ‘Rutt’ on the sofa when Arsenal were kicking Tottenham Hotspur arses in the North London Derby I fell pregnant again. At this time he and I hadn’t handled out losses well and were going to break up, but then I fell pregnant and I can’t say how I felt, I so wanted the baby so did he, but we were so on edge expecting the worst.
I was at work and was 10 weeks pregnant and I went to the bathroom I didn’t feel good and found myself bleeding and my heart broke. My boss found me and called my partner and he was just as resigned as I was that it had happened again; I was numb.
I was brought in and sent for a scan and I was crying silent tears and I didn’t even look at the screen. I knew in my heart what they were going to say and my partner was looking at me and being strong and holding my hand but I felt nothing. I wasn’t looking I didn’t care all I knew was I simply couldn’t go through that again and part of me hated him for doing it to me again and they suddenly said we have a heart beat!. NEVER in my entire life had I heard better words; it took a while to register and for me to dare look at what she said that couldn’t possibly be true; could it I didn’t dare to hope.
It was I don’t know what caused the bleeding but my son was alive and I don’t think I have ever cried harder than I did at that moment. They watched me carefully and the pregnancy I was on eggshells the entire time, especially after they said I was having a boy. It’s fairly common in my family starting with my Nan that some of us are unable to carry both sexes. My Nan had 6 boys and several miscarriages; all girls. She was unable to carry girls and the same has been for a few cousins whether it be girls or boy so I always assumed I couldn’t too and that my losses were boys. But he was born; fast as hell too but I didn’t breathe easy till they gave him to me and I knew he was here, healthy and alive.
I fell pregnant again quite fast. I was less worried that time and as it turned out I was having another girl. So and I now have 2 beautiful daughters aged 15 and 6 and a gorgeous son who is 7 and I am thankful for them .
I always think of the babies I lost and the way I have to look at it now, that people told me at the time, was that it just wasn’t meant to be. Having my son and daughter has relieved the pain in my heart to the extent that I can now deal with that by knowing that if I had had those two precious babes that I would not have my Reece and Giorgia but I still love them and miss them and wonder about them.
I saw a while back Mark, while I was looking for things to read here, that you wrote the most beautiful poem; I think writing helps you deal with your loss does it not?
There really is no answer to your question sweetheart and my heart aches for you and your wife. We all have to find a coping mechanism, one that works for us; mine was counselling and then having two children who are amazing in every way and they keep me busy too lol. But ultimately time is the healer but does one ever really get over a loss?; especially that of a child?
I am sending you and your wife big hugs and I hope something I have said helps; maybe not we all deal with grief in our own way. Please if you ever need to talk or a shoulder to cry on I am here.; having put myself out there in this post which I seldom do. But you were brave enough to write this forum and your poem so I wanted to do this and let you know you are not alone in your loss.
Kiera xo
Kiera - thank you so much for sharing your experiences and spending the time writing such a long post.
I think it really hit us hard because my wife was at 11 weeks - we were due to go for our twelve week scan less than a week later and were getting very excited about it. She noticed some spotting, and rang the hospital and myself. Because of her previous history, the hospital had instructed her to go there straight away. I met her at the hospital and we met with the doctors who explained that it wasn't necessarily bad news and that some women could bleed and still remain pregnant, but because of her history of miscarriage that they would scan her straight away and see what was happening. We had to wait 45 minutes or so for the ultrasound technicians to be available, and during that time the bleeding increased so we were pretty upset and knew what the results of the scan would be. As expected there was no heartbeat to be found, but like you we were told that D&Cs weren't standard procedure and that her body would purge itself. We went home, my parents came and picked up our two children and took them to their house to give us some space.
To cut a long story short though, the bleeding became very heavy and my wife was getting quite poorly so she ended going back into hospital in an ambulance. When in hospital, the bleeding more or less stopped without any medical intervention, but they kept her in overnight to observe her. That ended up being very fortunate because she started haemorrhaging severely in the middle of the night and ended up having an emergency hysterectomy to save her life - she received 18 units of blood in total while they stabilised her.
Physically she's healing really well now - in fact last week she went out and did some Christmas shopping with a friend. She is still getting very tired, and still not allowed to drive. Emotionally the last few weeks have been really difficult, but we're both doing pretty well at the moment. We know how lucky we are to have two beautiful children, and we both know how lucky she is to still be here so we try to stay positive
.Talking to people around us has made us both realise how common miscarriage is - but for some reason it is a bit of a subject. I think it's important to be open and to let others know how you're feeling...because so often you end up helping someone else as well.
Thank you again for posting what you did. It's not the easiest thing at times to look back at the past, but I am convinced that talking will make all of us stronger, and make us better people.
Mark,
I'm truly sorry to hear this.
Have you thought if a support group, maybe even online?
Or in person.
Or talking to a therapist?
I have no clue as to what you are feeling, but I'm assuming it's more difficult because there was no closure.
You feel raw about it, understandably so.
Or write in a notebook everyday.
I hope you find some peace and healing, if only a little.
I'm truly sorry to hear this.
Have you thought if a support group, maybe even online?
Or in person.
Or talking to a therapist?
I have no clue as to what you are feeling, but I'm assuming it's more difficult because there was no closure.
You feel raw about it, understandably so.
Or write in a notebook everyday.
I hope you find some peace and healing, if only a little.
Quote by daddysweetheart
Mark,
I'm truly sorry to hear this.
Have you thought if a support group, maybe even online?
Or in person.
Or talking to a therapist?
I have no clue as to what you are feeling, but I'm assuming it's more difficult because there was no closure.
You feel raw about it, understandably so.
Or write in a notebook everyday.
I hope you find some peace and healing, if only a little.
Thank you daddysweetheart. We have accessed various forms of help that have been offered - they have been useful in some ways, but for us the best help has come from those closest to us, once we felt able to open up to them.
I do write, I find it a good way to get things off my mind - particularly at night time if I can't sleep. For me, writing has always been quite nice way to relax - probably not the most usual hobby for a maths teacher!
Active Ink Slinger
I had a son at 18 and daughter at 24. From the time I was 30 until 39 I had 6 miscarriages. I was convinced I was never going to have any more children. Something happened when I turned 40. Maybe a hormone change because surprise I got pregnant and had a daughter. Then twin sons and finally another daughter.