I always wonder why so few people answer these polls. All they would have to do is vote anonymously.
I couldn't answer myself as I'm not married or engaged, but I still find interest in this.
Just to open up the discussion, I'd say that personally I would never marry someone I don't consider my 'soulmate'. Whether the objective is personal happiness or raising a family, I think a great amount of complicity is the key to success. Of course, a perfect match is sometimes hard to find, but I just couldn't settle with a random girl for the sake of convenience.
I also couldn't tolerate an unhappy marriage. I'd seriously look for a solution if I ever end up in such a situation, may that be counselling or divorce.
I answered #5. But it's always difficult to sum up a relationship in any one sentence. The truth is that I did marry the woman who is the love of my life. But the journey through 20 years of marriage has had some moments that I wouldn't trade for anything. It's also had some points in time that I would give nearly anything to erase.
Living things are either growing, or dying. These states are both forms of change.
We are still working on our marriage. It's still growing. There are things in our lives that we have only just discovered and are relishing together. There are pieces of us that have changed drastically over the years. It takes intentional time and effort to keep our relationship aligned and aimed at going through our entire lives side by side, working together, loving each other the best we can.
I think the romantic vision of being swept off your feet every happily-ever-after day is a false picture. Sure, romance is amazing. I'm actually (ahem) an amazingly romantic kind of guy. I love all that comes with that fairy tale epic.
But at the same time, you have to understand that some days happen where you can't see any way to get back to that beautiful princess, or knight on a charger. There are too many diapers, deadlines, or daggers happening all around you.
I'm so glad we stayed committed. Not committed to marriage - that would be determined, but cold. We remained committed to each other. We held that vision, that if we kept working through everything we may come out at the end with something golden. We were wrong. It's been more than twenty years, and what we have is worth far more than gold.
She knows my warts, and can still look me in the eye and say "for better or worse." I have walked through her depression, and still am, and I love her "in sickness and in health."
It's going to take more work, and more time, and more adventures. Some will be very romantic. Some will be scary. All will be worth it when we get to keep that last vow "till death do us part."
#5 - for those who don't know my story, we had to fight to get married. we're a lesbian couple, married since Dec 2012, shortly after it became legal in the state of Washington for us to marry. it's been something that'd been on the plate for 2 + years - in my mind it would happen, it was just a matter of when - i have been in love with this girl, my wife, for longer than then the 5+ years we've been together as a couple, and we've been best of friends for 13 years now. in someways we've slowed down a little, enjoying time spent at home as a couple, but still very much in love - i can't imagine that every changing - we've already been thru all the hard stuff and we've come out the other side. love is a beautiful thing.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
#5 too. It isn't perfect but I don't think that any marriage or relationship is. There have been times in the last few years I could have picked 6 or 7.. maybe even leaned towards 8 at one point. And although I don't like the term soul mate he is the person I'm in love with and have been in love with for 9 years. I can see myself happily and joyfully living the rest of my life with, through the good and bad times.
I'm very surprised No 5 is way out in front. It would be interesting to see a poll like this, but have an average age group for each scenario. I voted for No 8 and divorced earlier this year at 29. I was married for 5 years.
I voted for number 4... Lacking confidence years ago caused me to do what every one else thought was right...
I know I'm going to take a lot of flack for this, but I'm honestly not convinced that I believe in the term soul mate. I believe that two individuals who are in love and decide to share their lives have to be adult and committed enough to make it work, with work. I don't have an stirring love story, we took a pragmatic approach to our relationship and it turned out spectacularly! I didn’t want to date my husband, the dude grew on me to the point that I, quite honestly, had to fuck him. And then, the love smacked me upside my head.
I voted scenario #1, together 5 years or so (I'm bad at dates) and married a little over a year.
bottom line is, realistically, smart money is on a combination of both. there NEEDS to be a spark, i don't thin there's any question in my mind about that - that doesn't mean you are just friends, but a real electric spark there. that said, i think it's also important that you have a very real friendship in there as well, and that you do take into account some of the 'mundane stuff'. are you madly in love, but they're a drunk or an addict? are they unreliable? have they a history of burning through romantic involvements? are they a loser in whatever sense of the word you wish to apply it? that stuff will all come into play at some point in your relationship. it should. but, on the other hand, if they look good on paper, and their's just no chemistry there, at some point you're going to go looking for the spark elsewhere, it's only natural.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
#1
The more time passes, the clearer my own reality gets. I have a fantastic ability to bullshit myself and others, and only after I'm removed from a situation can I see it for what it really is.
I got knocked up by a man that took it very seriously, which alone was a big deal to me. Full disclosure: I wasn't altogether sure it was his at first, either. He was a charming guy (in his own way...heh), and I kind of held him at arms length for a long time. But once we both knew it was his, things changed. We began to date seriously; he took care of me (in every meaningful way but financially), and I fell in love with him. We got married when our child was five months old; it was one of the happiest days of my life.
We separated in mid-December, just before Christmas, then slowly found our way again as the winter faded away. We did therapy. More importantly, I do therapy LOL. But seriously, both helped out enormously. And now, having gotten together due to an unplanned baby, gotten married, gotten separated, and now, rediscovered what we have, I realize that I'm incredibly blessed. We have our areas of tension. We bicker. Occasionally, we have to 'go cool off' for a while. But we love each other intensely.
I don't believe in a single soulmate either, for that matter, but if the question is: did I get the fairytale start-up romance? Not even close. But unlike the princess that gets rescued by her knight in shining armor, or swept away by her prince, we've worked hard to earn the relationship that we now share.
Sarcastic Coffee Aficionado
(in retrospect) I chose #4 .... I married a man whom I thought would be an excellent provider, a fabulous father (he has a great career, an amazing large family) ... we enjoyed many similar interests (participating in various sports, watching sports, foodies, having dinner parties, travelling, fishing, time (lots) with both families and our own) .... it was quite a life. I must say, no man has ever made me laugh like he did. When we married, I was very much in love with him - I didn't think he was my "soulmate" ... but thought we would definitely last because of our similarities in how we lived life.
But, when we had a huge stressor (his gambling addiction) .... I didn't love him ENOUGH to be able to forgive him for putting his family ... our family .... in such great risk .... we lost everything ... and more. It took me about 8 years to pay off part of his gambling debt that I had to take on as my own as part of our divorce settlement.
I have only had in my life one "beloved" ..... the man I thought was my soulmate (not my husband). I now do not believe there is a soulmate for me.
i married for what i thought was a turning point in my life, turned out that was a wrong assumption.
so neither settled
not soulmated
just wasted!
There's a lot of room between "extremely happy" and "very average"...hmmm...fuck! We've strayed into #6. Only just though. And we're putting the work in to get back into the sweet spot.
As others have already said, it's far from black and white. My wife and I started off long distance, putting us in the position where we emotionally invested in each other before we had a chance to physically connect. If we'd met conventionally...well, what if?
On paper, my wife is an absolute fucking train wreck. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from perfect, but holy hammers! I probably should have run a mile, but in my heart I know she's the one for me. Fuck it!
I was recently chatting to an old bloke who had been married for over fifty years, and he said, "I never once thought about divorce, but I did think about murder." That sums it up perfectly.
If I can worship at the Church of Dr Phil a moment, I think it comes down to whether or not they make you feel safe. Everything else is bullshit.
My latest story is a racy little piece about what happens when someone cute from work invites you over to watch Netflix and Chill. For years it was #5 - but has moved to #6
This was a difficult one for me. For a lot of reasons, I find that I have to have an emotional attachment as well as a physical attraction. I prefer making love to just fucking. The later leaves one unfulfilled and wanting. Its transitory at best. An emotional attachment gives sex its real meaning, at least to me. I've been madly in love twice in my life and married my second real love. The first one didn't work out because I transferred from the area. That said, I have remained in contact and remain good friends with all of my lovers, with one exception from college (he was trophy hunter and I was emotionally hurt for a long time because of his, what I saw, was his disrespect and attitude after he got what he wanted).
This was a difficult one for me. For a lot of reasons, I find that I have to have an emotional attachment as well as a physical attraction. I prefer making love to just fucking. The later leaves one unfulfilled and wanting. Its transitory at best. An emotional attachment gives sex its real meaning, at least to me. I've been madly in love twice in my life and married my second real love. The first one didn't work out because I transferred from the area. That said, I have remained in contact and remain good friends with all of my lovers, with one exception from college (he was trophy hunter and I was emotionally hurt for a long time because of his, what I saw, was his disrespect and attitude after he got what he wanted).
This was a difficult one for me. For a lot of reasons, I find that I have to have an emotional attachment as well as a physical attraction. I prefer making love to just fucking. The later leaves one unfulfilled and wanting. Its transitory at best. An emotional attachment gives sex its real meaning, at least to me. I've been madly in love twice in my life and married my second real love. The first one didn't work out because I transferred from the area. That said, I have remained in contact and remain good friends with all of my lovers, with one exception from college (he was trophy hunter and I was emotionally hurt for a long time because of his, what I saw, was his disrespect and attitude after he got what he wanted).
This was a difficult one for me. For a lot of reasons, I find that I have to have an emotional attachment as well as a physical attraction. I prefer making love to just fucking. The later leaves one unfulfilled and wanting. Its transitory at best. An emotional attachment gives sex its real meaning, at least to me. I've been madly in love twice in my life and married my second real love. The first one didn't work out because I transferred from the area. That said, I have remained in contact and remain good friends with all of my lovers, with one exception from college (he was trophy hunter and I was emotionally hurt for a long time because of his, what I saw, was his disrespect and attitude after he got what he wanted).
