This has come up a few times with different people in my life. Several friends (a roommate and her boyfriend, a work friend and her boyfriend, ect.) have been exposed to/acquired Herpes. Recently in conversation with a friend of mine, I found out about another person who has been exposed. In this case it was a guy she had been dating and started sleeping with. He told her about it two weeks later. Now she is very glad they used a condom. He told her he hadn't had an outbreak in awhile, but she still feels vulnerable and is going to the Dr this week.
So my question is if you were exposed by a person you were dating how would you feel? how would you approach it? Is it a deal breaker?
The previous two friends were given the disease by their long term boyfriends. One had it before, the other cheated on her. Neither left their boyfriends for it. This girl is not feeling very pleased about the possible exposure, as you can imagine! Last I heard she was not talking to the guy anymore.
Recent studies have shown 57% of Americans are affected with HSV-1 (cold sores) , and 1 in 6 has HSV-2 (herpes proper), so its a strong likelihood that someone you know has it.
Naughty, I think that if people have anything on the order of an STD, even Herpes, they have a duty to tell anyone they intend to get intimate with BEFORE they get it on. I think it is totally self-centered to not care who you infect, and I'd like to see laws about it that work. None of us is perfect yes. But if I am born a serial killer or if I catch active tuberculosis, does that give me the right to spread it to others? Life is hard, and people with these problems just have to go to a doctor and take care of business like I do for poor vision.
Thanks for being gutsy enough to post this topic Naughty.
to me it shows lack of respect for someone to knowingly spread any std. I agree with Broccck.
I have two female friends that have it. They are both very conscious of the implications when they get involved with a new partner/potential-BF and it does weigh on their minds - having to have "the talk" - usually on the 2nd or 3rd date. They both have long term boyfriends now and they were informed before anything sexual happened. To be honest - I know one of the girls went through a phase at one point where she was hooking up a lot (casually) and while I didn't ask - I'm not so sure all her one-night stands were informed every single time - especially if alcohol or party favours were involved.
I do think there are many who have it who probably don't care when it comes to one-night stands or getting involved with people they may never see again. They may even assume that based on the stats, lots of people have it and do the same thing. They may assume that condoms are enough protection. Or they may just think hey - this person knows it's a one-night hook-up - the onus is on them when it comes to their own health risks.
Personally, I would be furious if someone I got involved with knew but didn't tell me. The 'haven't had an outbreak in a while' isn't enough because the virus is constantly shedding in the entire boxer short area and 70% of transmissions occur when people have no symptoms. This is why it's become (statistically) so common. Unfortunately if someone is concerned they've been infected or just want a regular check-up, they have to request the specific tests be done for herpes. It's not automatically covered with a regular pap. As well, it can lay dormant for quite some time (even years) so people tend to not know they have it until they actually have an outbreak. Anyway, that's why condoms are a must if you don't know a partner well - while they're not a 100% guarantee, they are the best protection you have other than just not having sex.
If I found out I'd been purposely deceived on this one, it would be a dealbreaker for me. People should inform prospective partners - even those one-nighters - and let them make the decision based on risks for themselves. Some might not care so much or be fine with diligent condom use or maybe they even have it themselves - but I think it's wrong to make assumptions or choices that can potentially affect another person for the rest of their lives. I don't blame your friend for being upset about it.
I have very strong feelings about it. I was not so careful in a long ago bygone past and by grace alone escaped anything that could haunt me or severely alter my life. Friends were not so lucky. Several have died as a result. I always believed in protection, and now I feel much stronger. There are too many stories and people I know. My niece got Herpes her first time. Now for the rest of her life until she marries, she has to explain this before having sex and entering a relationship: take all precautions that even then may not be enough not to spread the disease. These diseases keep on spreading when people are sexually active and have other partners. There are risks even with precautions.
My best gf has herpes (on top of Crones disease), contracted from someone she ruefully regrets now, even though she liked him at the time. She was going to marry my best guy friend. I always told him to be careful and wear protection. Their engagement ended and he married someone else later. A few months or so after the wedding he went into the hospital for something else and five days later died of Hepititis and did not even know he had it! I was with him holding him when he died.
The bottomline, in all my experience~ no, I would not be happy. For me it would be a deal breaker because I have been the other way and been too lienient and understanding in the past with these kinds of things, risks, or people and in all I just ended up seeing was how stupid I had been and how they did not deserve it. I know there may be exceptions for people, but I feel stronger about what is not acceptible to me. I would be angry. I would be resentful. I would be depressed. I would just have to deal with it~ and all alone if need be because I really do not think I would want to be with the person who gave it to me, knowing how strongly I feel because this would have already been discussed. There is a chnace that they might not have known they had it, but in my experience, I really do not buy that anymore, and even so, it does not matter to me. Anyone can think I am a cold hearted bitch, but it is my life, and I know I am not.
Only had one instance so far where I've gone condomless and that was with a friend I'd known in college for 2 years and was herself super hygienic and paranoid about STIs. Even then it was only a couple pumps before slapping a condom on.
Hearing all the stories and stats though and even since there, my philosophy will always be wrap it or lose it.
I don't want a virus/disease that I have to carry the rest of my life. I narrowly avoided contracting asthma as a kid. I don't want genital BS.
So, it'd be a deal breaker for me. Even if I loved her, I just couldn't. All of us that frequent this place and well, humans in general are sexual creatures. I wouldn't take the risk. Emotions could spiral one and you forget to wrap it and you'd be fucked for life. So yea, if she told me, I'm not sure she'd be the one. If she had it and didn't tell me, I'd dump her ass like yesterdays news.
And honestly, if and when I get into a long term relationship, I'd make sure we both ran the full gauntlet of STI/STD tests before unprotected sex. Won't be a 100% thing, but as close as.
I'd expect the respect of The Talk up front. If they broke the news to me after the fact, I'd be livid. Just having an STI wouldn't be a deal breaker, particularly of they take Valtrex daily (extremely low rate of being spread if the partner uses daily). I'd probably opt for a condom for insurance, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker just because they had it.
A young lady I'm very close to as a friend has herpes. She fell in love with a guy who had the cold sore variety and they swear that means he won't catch hers. I don't know if its true, but they've been married for four years now.
I have great respect for both of them. She was upfront about her condition and he took the risk anyway. So far he at least says he's never had an outbreak.
If I were in love, I hope I could be so devoted. Somehow, I doubt I could be.
Having a health background I was always very careful with partners...though I did have a friend who got herpes from her first...who got it from his first and did not know. Thankfully she moved on from Him and found a great man who accepts her for what she is, and they are currently expecting their first child. I give mad respect to that man, knowingly getting herpes (most likely) for the woman you love is something else.
As for the people who know they have an STD, and continue to purposely infect others I have a serious bone of contention with. Just because you got burned because you where not careful is you problem. These people should know better how it feels to have an STD (emotionally, not just physically) and should be protecting others from the same fate.
For me it was Hep C. I ended it while I was sitting in the ER because he kept trying to blame me for everything. I've only slept with a small number of people before him.
I have always had the greatest respect for cleanliness and have never allowed myself contact with anybody I was not happy with.
As a young girl I had no idea of the problems that can occur and consider myself lucky that I never became infected despite many partners - who were always about my on age. Gradually I educated myself once I heard about VD and other STI's and it was that aspect of sex I considered when I was not happy with his condition, usually I knew he had been with another girl or girls before me at a party, and may or may not have cleaned himself after being with her.. I used condoms for STI prevention, not pregnancy.
Herpes can be contracted orally by kissing - you don't have to have contact with genitals to get it.
I believe any person that is aware they have an STI and has unprotected sex with another partner should be charged with a criminal offence.
I have a friend who is a RN and she sees many unfortunate results of STI infections. HIV being the most prevalent but the regulars are still there and particularly in teens, becoming more prevalent.
