Project Semi Colon: Lush Style

Quote by MostPreciousLittle

Quote by sweetsinner

I'm here for you if you ever need to talk, M. I hope today was a better day for you sweetie

Quote by sweetsinner
I crashed and burned and stopped taking meds a few weeks ago for some long convoluted reason that doesn't make sense to people that aren't suffering evidenced by my gp just looking at me oddly. Anyway, I had hit a good stride for the first time all year and then something broke me. I've spent most of the last three weeks in bed, pretty much entirely dysfunctional... Hardly eaten, hardly showered, hardly living... After all of that I've decided to try a different medication, Pristiq (desvenlafaxine), which I'm really nervous about but hopefully all will be ok. Only two days in but no obvious side effects yet so that's a win as usually sleeplessness hits me pretty roughly from day one. Just sending hugs and love to all xx

Quote by sweetsinner
I crashed and burned and stopped taking meds a few weeks ago for some long convoluted reason that doesn't make sense to people that aren't suffering evidenced by my gp just looking at me oddly. Anyway, I had hit a good stride for the first time all year and then something broke me. I've spent most of the last three weeks in bed, pretty much entirely dysfunctional... Hardly eaten, hardly showered, hardly living... After all of that I've decided to try a different medication, Pristiq (desvenlafaxine), which I'm really nervous about but hopefully all will be ok. Only two days in but no obvious side effects yet so that's a win as usually sleeplessness hits me pretty roughly from day one. Just sending hugs and love to all xx

Quote by sweetsinner
I crashed and burned and stopped taking meds a few weeks ago for some long convoluted reason that doesn't make sense to people that aren't suffering evidenced by my gp just looking at me oddly. Anyway, I had hit a good stride for the first time all year and then something broke me. I've spent most of the last three weeks in bed, pretty much entirely dysfunctional... Hardly eaten, hardly showered, hardly living... After all of that I've decided to try a different medication, Pristiq (desvenlafaxine), which I'm really nervous about but hopefully all will be ok. Only two days in but no obvious side effects yet so that's a win as usually sleeplessness hits me pretty roughly from day one. Just sending hugs and love to all xx

Quote by MostPreciousLittle
Hope you feel better soon. hugs and love to you, too. Good luck with the new meds.

Quote by sprite
damn, girl. *hugs* glad to know you found a reason to get out of bed. sometimes getting started is sooo hard, but once you do, it gets a bit easier. good to hear that you're managing some sleep, too. that's the one the fucks me up - lack of sleep - i do pretty well now, but there have been times when it messed me up. love you lots. keep at it and remember, we're here for you.

Quote by kiera
Shit, I'm sorry I only just saw this.

I hope you are doing ok and the meds are going well for you? My inbox is always open, you know that, right?

Sending you love and strength and as many hugs as you can handle

We love you, Sinner don't ever forget that xo

Quote by sweetsinner


Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, it means a lot

I am doing a lot better this week. I have been on the new meds a week, and while I know they are not really in my system yet they are also not causing any side effects at this stage so that keeps me positive. I had nothing on the Prozac / Lovan except some insomnia when settling into it, so I am hoping for similar luck. I think I struggle the most with the torturous cycle of how anxiety and depression are almost an antithesis of one another in the way they make me think so it just feels like I'm drowning all the time... Depression says "you're worthless, nothing matters, I'm so numb I don't care about anything", and anxiety says "everything matters, overthink everything and stress about how we can cope with every negative potentiality that will probably never happen". Im probably not making sense but maybe y'all get my drift.

I left it to the last minute to reenrol at university for next year. I know I'm still lost in the grips of the darkness because my eventual career is the one thing that makes me inordinately happy and which I am more passionate than anything else so the fact that I was willing to sacrifice that for another year says a lot to me. I think once I am doing things like that again, though, that it will really help me. So whilst I am wishing for time to slow down, I am also begging the end of February to hurry itself along.

I'm trying to write more, it helps when I'm acopic (until I feel like I'm not making progress, but, baby steps) and trying to celebrate the small things. It's helping, I think. It helps me feel like less of a shit mum anyway which is something I've been struggling with. I've had such a short fuse and little patience = grumpy and yelling, and I'm known to often say that my children would be better off without me... even though I don't mean that in some fatalistic sense, I know how damaging it is to me and to them for me to have that kind of underlying attitude around them. So I am getting there. Time and baby steps. And writing more things down because feeling accomplished seems to be a big thing for me in my sense of self worth and healing.

This is long and ramble but I have nowhere else to outlet it so thank you for reading and listening.

Sending all my love to all, and thanks again

Quote by sprite
i know most of you only know me from the forums, and that's cool. you probably don't know how much of a control freak i can be at times. right now i feel like i have zero control over anything. i am trying to be zen, but it's getting harder by the day. it would be so easy to just fall apart right now, i mean, much easier than dealing with everything life has thrown at me. i kind of feel like i'm at the end of my rope. i just want to make it through until tomorrow. i feel like if i can do that, things will be different. i'm just not sure i can. it seems like such a long way off...

Quote by sprite
i know most of you only know me from the forums, and that's cool. you probably don't know how much of a control freak i can be at times. right now i feel like i have zero control over anything. i am trying to be zen, but it's getting harder by the day. it would be so easy to just fall apart right now, i mean, much easier than dealing with everything life has thrown at me. i kind of feel like i'm at the end of my rope. i just want to make it through until tomorrow. i feel like if i can do that, things will be different. i'm just not sure i can. it seems like such a long way off...

You know, my sole focus since Paul died has been just to get us through it, me and the kids. Make this year as good as I can possibly make it so that my kids don't just look back on 2016 and remember that he died. I think I have done as good as I possibly could have done, they are happy and I wanted to do that and get this god awful year over with. Now it's almost over and tbh I have achieved what I wanted but I am in a bit of a WTF do I do now kinda mode, I never thought further ahead than this. I miss him, I don't want to do Christmas without him, it just won't be the same, it never will be. I worry myself sick over the kids all the time in case I haven't done enough or am not doing enough. All the presents in the world won't make up for their dad not being here Christmas morning. It's just another one of those firsts (probably the hardest one) I've got to get thru, I suppose but for the record they truly suck Sorry feeling really melancholy lately :(

Quote by kiera


You know we all love you, right? Especially me. You can't quit on me we have a castle to build in Spain and I'm buying you a sea monster for xmas (hopefully I won't get outbid on ebay)

Seriously, I think Christmas is such a hard time of year. I wrote this on FB the other night, I've been struggling a bit too. I am in a bit of a panic tbh, all my focus has been on getting this god awful year over with and now I almost have and it's like WTF am I supposed to do now? Did i think 2017 would magically get better, no other year has before, WTF was I thinking?

I worry myself sick over how this first Xmas without Paul for the kids is going to affect them, I think every time I have I've got them another present...This is what I put, i was pretty upset.

You know, my sole focus since Paul died has been just to get us through it, me and the kids. Make this year as good as I can possibly make it so that my kids don't just look back on 2016 and remember that he died. I think I have done as good as I possibly could have done, they are happy and I wanted to do that and get this god awful year over with. Now it's almost over and tbh I have achieved what I wanted but I am in a bit of a WTF do I do now kinda mode, I never thought further ahead than this. I miss him, I don't want to do Christmas without him, it just won't be the same, it never will be. I worry myself sick over the kids all the time in case I haven't done enough or am not doing enough. All the presents in the world won't make up for their dad not being here Christmas morning. It's just another one of those firsts (probably the hardest one) I've got to get thru, I suppose but for the record they truly suck Sorry feeling really melancholy lately :(

Anyway, I don't know what it is but I just feel exhausted. My optimism that I have held onto all this time that if I just get 2016 out of the way with as much damage control as humanly possible things will be ok has gone. What was I thinking? Things never get better, life is just one fucking big challenge after another and I feel wiped out.

Instead of feeling like 2017 is going to be a new start for us, i just feel like what the fuck is 2017 going to throw at me and will I be strong enough? atm I am so exhausted i think if it through a bit of fluff at me I would break.

But I have you all and I know I can come here. I know I am strong, I have proved that this year but don't you just get so tired of having to be strong? it's exhausting and I am so tired of it.

I do love you all so much though, especially Rachel and I am so grateful I can come here and just say what is on my mind.

What is 2017 going to throw at me/us? who the fuck knows? but I do know that we can all get through it together and that gives me hope.

xo

Quote by sprite
i know most of you only know me from the forums, and that's cool. you probably don't know how much of a control freak i can be at times. right now i feel like i have zero control over anything. i am trying to be zen, but it's getting harder by the day. it would be so easy to just fall apart right now, i mean, much easier than dealing with everything life has thrown at me. i kind of feel like i'm at the end of my rope. i just want to make it through until tomorrow. i feel like if i can do that, things will be different. i'm just not sure i can. it seems like such a long way off...

Quote by kiera


You know we all love you, right? Especially me. You can't quit on me we have a castle to build in Spain and I'm buying you a sea monster for xmas (hopefully I won't get outbid on ebay)

Seriously, I think Christmas is such a hard time of year. I wrote this on FB the other night, I've been struggling a bit too. I am in a bit of a panic tbh, all my focus has been on getting this god awful year over with and now I almost have and it's like WTF am I supposed to do now? Did i think 2017 would magically get better, no other year has before, WTF was I thinking?

I worry myself sick over how this first Xmas without Paul for the kids is going to affect them, I think every time I have I've got them another present...This is what I put, i was pretty upset.

You know, my sole focus since Paul died has been just to get us through it, me and the kids. Make this year as good as I can possibly make it so that my kids don't just look back on 2016 and remember that he died. I think I have done as good as I possibly could have done, they are happy and I wanted to do that and get this god awful year over with. Now it's almost over and tbh I have achieved what I wanted but I am in a bit of a WTF do I do now kinda mode, I never thought further ahead than this. I miss him, I don't want to do Christmas without him, it just won't be the same, it never will be. I worry myself sick over the kids all the time in case I haven't done enough or am not doing enough. All the presents in the world won't make up for their dad not being here Christmas morning. It's just another one of those firsts (probably the hardest one) I've got to get thru, I suppose but for the record they truly suck Sorry feeling really melancholy lately :(

Anyway, I don't know what it is but I just feel exhausted. My optimism that I have held onto all this time that if I just get 2016 out of the way with as much damage control as humanly possible things will be ok has gone. What was I thinking? Things never get better, life is just one fucking big challenge after another and I feel wiped out.

Instead of feeling like 2017 is going to be a new start for us, i just feel like what the fuck is 2017 going to throw at me and will I be strong enough? atm I am so exhausted i think if it through a bit of fluff at me I would break.

But I have you all and I know I can come here. I know I am strong, I have proved that this year but don't you just get so tired of having to be strong? it's exhausting and I am so tired of it.

I do love you all so much though, especially Rachel and I am so grateful I can come here and just say what is on my mind.

What is 2017 going to throw at me/us? who the fuck knows? but I do know that we can all get through it together and that gives me hope.

xo

Quote by sprite
i know most of you only know me from the forums, and that's cool. you probably don't know how much of a control freak i can be at times. right now i feel like i have zero control over anything. i am trying to be zen, but it's getting harder by the day. it would be so easy to just fall apart right now, i mean, much easier than dealing with everything life has thrown at me. i kind of feel like i'm at the end of my rope. i just want to make it through until tomorrow. i feel like if i can do that, things will be different. i'm just not sure i can. it seems like such a long way off...