Sorry I haven'tt been around much the last few days
I'm now playing catch up
I hope everyone had an amazing weekend!
Also I hope you had a great birthday Sprite at least one half as amazing as you are!
I often come here when I am feeling sad and lonely and depressed. But I am happy today, something happened to me this afternoon, made me realize how lucky I am to be alive. I wish I could just think of this moment the next time I get depressed. I think I have to start counting my blessing everyday, it could all just be taken away in a second. I hugged the ones I loved, even Snoopy got a tight hug lol. Just want to say don't ever stop fighting, the good days are worth the sad ones we go through, please be safe.
Is anyone around? I need to talk to someone asap about a friend. Private, BB, or Mail me please.
Edit: I am okay, E spoke to me for a while and then I thought about things for a while.
Hey everyone, how are you all?
I had a bit of a rough week.
I got pulled aside by Giorgia's teacher last week, just to give me a heads up that the class had been asked to write about a memory for their school play, which is tomorrow. She said Giorgia was writing about her dad. Giorgia's a bit like me when it comes to talking, she can write it, she's always been a good writer, she's not much of a talker though. I asked her what exactly it was she was writing about, and she said the day you told me he died and his funeral. On Thursday I asked her teacher if I could see it. To say it was heartbreaking to read would be an understatement. It's so well written but to hear it all in her own words, how shocked she was when I told her, how she felt when she saw his coffin pull up at the funeral. How she broke down at the end (and she did, she did not cry once at the funeral until the end) and how it felt to say her final goodbye to her dad before I picked her up and took her outside. It was just so fucking good, her writing is amazing, and yet devastating at the same time I couldn't stop crying.
It's had me questioning some things. Should I have prepared them better? Would it have been less of a shock, because she was completely shocked, had not seen it coming and yet, at the time I thought I was preparing them for what was to come? Should I have told them before he died that he was going to, that it was only a machine keeping him alive? At the time I felt giving them one set of awful news was better than them living like I was daily for a month waiting for the phone call to say he was gone. Or worse, that they would ask to see him. They had been given permission, but I could barely handle seeing him strapped up in ICU to all those machines. I didn't want that to be their last memory of him. Their last memory isn't great tbh, but at least it's not a scary one like that. I know I can't change it, but I have been upset and questioning myself. She has to read it out in her assembly tomorrow, that's going to be hard because I will cry my eyes out again and people will think it's ok to come and invade my personal space again. I don't fucking like strangers coming up and thinking it's ok to touch me, I know it's just a hug, but I don't like it.
I've been upset and on edge since. I had a family party in Oxford on Saturday. I haven't seen these people in a really long time. They have kids the same age as mine, and my Uncle came over from Spain for it so I said I would go. I manage pretty well these days, and anytime I get anxious if I have to be around a lot of people I just remind myself mentally of the hundreds of times I've done it since Paul died and been fine. I was so anxious about going on Saturday and got myself really upset; I didn't want to go, a big shout out to Rach and LYFBUZ for being online to talk to me and calm me down because I don't think I could have left if they hadn't. That would have been a shame, and I would have been so ashamed of myself. We ended up having such a great time, the kids had a fantastic time with their cousins, and it was so good to see my own again. I was worrying over nothing, I knew that, but sometimes it doesn't mean shit. But anyway, I prevailed again but I haven't been that anxious in a really long time, and I think it's all connected to me feeling low about what Giorgia wrote.
I still don't feel like myself; I had to speak to her teacher again yesterday to discuss the assembly tomorrow. I'm going to have to sit there and listen to her read it out to the entire school and some parents. She puts me to shame, you know? She is so brave to write about something so personal, let alone be willing to get up and share it to the entire school to help raise awareness. Because there isn't enough awareness. That school could not have been more ill-prepared for what happened to us, and they made everything so much worse because of it. Tomorrow is going to be really hard emotionally, I just feel down atm. But also so very very proud of her. I'm making Paul's parents come with me so at least I won't be completely alone listening to that, and I have read it which helps. I can't imagine my reaction if I'd gone to this assembly not knowing what she was going to say, I was devastated enough reading it in private.
Anyway, hopefully, I will feel better after this is over. Just to let you all know too, this piece of writing rocked, it's so good. She got a ton of house points and recognition for it. She's the only child who's been asked to read their entire piece out tomorrow, the others only get to read a small part. I am as always incredibly proud of her.
I think that's enough for now. Sorry, it's so long.
Love to you all xo
Hi Grace,
I know that I often poke at you. I'm truly sorry for ever coming across as pesky, and annoying. I will always love you as a friend. I adore you razor sharp wit, your amazing intellect, and your awesome sense of humor. You are so kind, compassionate, and loving, and are fiercely loyal to EVERYBODY, especially your many friends. You have proven yourself as such time and time again, my friend. Grace, you are a gorgeous person on the outside as well as the inside I hope that you never doubt that about yourself. If I would had only been born a pretty girl, instead of just a horny toad, I would have been camped out on your doorstep eons ago, wooing you and begging to be the love of your life, and to worship you for ever. You are THAT special of a person. What an extremely attractive girl you are! Some one is going to be so lucky when they come into you life. This world is a vastly more beautiful place because you are here with us in it. I hope that can feel comfortable enough to contact me at any time you ever wish to and talk about anything that happens to be on mind. I may not be a genius, but I do have a good heart.
My highest rearguards, deepest respects, and my genuine love, Your friend ,_ David
It has been a long and testing week for some, and I am truly sorry. Here is an extra tight hug for anyone who needs it 
Have a fantastic supadupa day!
*classy tart kisses MWAH*
