Quote by lafayettemisterQuote by LittleMissBitchQuote by LadyX
If you "stay together for the kids", then that's pretty much conceding that the marriage is broken. If the marriage is broken, then you're raising children in a dysfunctional environment. It really doesn't matter how many Oscar-worthy performances you put together at the dinner table, kids aren't stupid, they pick up on it.
This being the case, what about the fact that your children will not know first hand what a healthy, loving relationship looks like?
my marriage is broken, i think, anyway. but i CHOOSE to make the environment very functional and happy. because i am happy, i am fulfilled. there are no strained smiles at my dinner table or barely contained seething anger. my husband and i are friends and we are raising our kids together. the biggest thing i think my kids are missing out on is seeing a lot of hand holding and kissing...physical affection between my husband and i. and hey...if missing out on seeing that drives them to the therapists couch then they can just join the club. ;)
i looked at our situation carefully when making this choice and if we were fighting and going at it....if we actively hated each other then i would go. but as that is not the case i am happy with my choices. but that is what i mean about sucking it up too. you can choose to NOT fight and scream you can choose to NOT let your petty bullshit bleed out all over the kids. is my choice the best one? for me and my kids i say yes....for anybody else? i have no idea.
I'm going to jump on board with LMB here. There is a difference between a broken marriage and a totally clusterfucked marriage with daily yelling, screaming, fighting, physicality, hatred, etc... Most marriages that dissolve or marriages where one or both parties stay "for the children" are not the drama filled hatred spewing melodramas that we see on tv and movies. As happens quite often, only one of the two spouses is staying in it for the kids. Usually the other one is unaware of the level of unhappiness in his/her spouse.
My marriage is in shambles. But like LMB we aren't storming around the house in constant battle. For the most part, I'm a happy person that enjoys life. My wife and I work together to ensure our kids get everything they need from us, individually and dually. We do many many things as a family. We work together doing yard work and house work. And checking homework. If one child has a teacher conference or dance recital, we both go... together. We discuss current events and engage each other and our kids in conversation. We are parents just like everyone else. Sure, from time to time we'll have a disagreement about something small and inconsequential and the kids may see a minute or two of debate. But all kids see that, and they should so they can learn how to handle such things. Whenever we get into a really heated argument about more serious issues, we do it in private. Usually after the kids have gone to sleep.
Being in a shitty marriage doesn't mean a person is a shitty parent. There are plenty shitty parents out there, but chances are they were shitty people first.
Despite what Hollywood may have us believe, walking out of a marriage isn't so cut and dry. There are many many things to weigh in that decision. Never be so sure what you'd do in a situation until you actually are in that situation. We've all known people that have thought about and rued over and worried about leaving or being left. And it almost always takes months, sometimes years for any action to be taken. That itself should prove that jsut saying "it's over" and starting anew isn't easy nor is it the norm.
My kids are growing up normal and seeing the same things I, and my wife, did as children. My folks have been married over 50 years. Hers over 40 years. My wife and I put our petty differences aside for the kids. Some may think they can pick up on it, but there is nothing to pick up on. It's not acting, it is a true and unwavering love for THEM that makes us raise them as best we can. Teach them right from wrong, kiss boo-boos, tuck into bed, go over homework, celebrate small victories, discipline for bad behavior. All the while we work as a team for them. That does not change.
Whatever kids pick up from their parents would be the same things they'd pick up if the parents were separated/divorced. People are who they are no matter the living situation. One day my marriage, probably sooner than later, will dissolve. When it does, it will happen after we decide that it's best for everyone. The manner in which we raise and love our children will remain constant.
Quote by mazzaQuote by lafayettemisterQuote by LittleMissBitchQuote by LadyX
If you "stay together for the kids", then that's pretty much conceding that the marriage is broken. If the marriage is broken, then you're raising children in a dysfunctional environment. It really doesn't matter how many Oscar-worthy performances you put together at the dinner table, kids aren't stupid, they pick up on it.
This being the case, what about the fact that your children will not know first hand what a healthy, loving relationship looks like?
my marriage is broken, i think, anyway. but i CHOOSE to make the environment very functional and happy. because i am happy, i am fulfilled. there are no strained smiles at my dinner table or barely contained seething anger. my husband and i are friends and we are raising our kids together. the biggest thing i think my kids are missing out on is seeing a lot of hand holding and kissing...physical affection between my husband and i. and hey...if missing out on seeing that drives them to the therapists couch then they can just join the club. ;)
i looked at our situation carefully when making this choice and if we were fighting and going at it....if we actively hated each other then i would go. but as that is not the case i am happy with my choices. but that is what i mean about sucking it up too. you can choose to NOT fight and scream you can choose to NOT let your petty bullshit bleed out all over the kids. is my choice the best one? for me and my kids i say yes....for anybody else? i have no idea.
I'm going to jump on board with LMB here. There is a difference between a broken marriage and a totally clusterfucked marriage with daily yelling, screaming, fighting, physicality, hatred, etc... Most marriages that dissolve or marriages where one or both parties stay "for the children" are not the drama filled hatred spewing melodramas that we see on tv and movies. As happens quite often, only one of the two spouses is staying in it for the kids. Usually the other one is unaware of the level of unhappiness in his/her spouse.
My marriage is in shambles. But like LMB we aren't storming around the house in constant battle. For the most part, I'm a happy person that enjoys life. My wife and I work together to ensure our kids get everything they need from us, individually and dually. We do many many things as a family. We work together doing yard work and house work. And checking homework. If one child has a teacher conference or dance recital, we both go... together. We discuss current events and engage each other and our kids in conversation. We are parents just like everyone else. Sure, from time to time we'll have a disagreement about something small and inconsequential and the kids may see a minute or two of debate. But all kids see that, and they should so they can learn how to handle such things. Whenever we get into a really heated argument about more serious issues, we do it in private. Usually after the kids have gone to sleep.
Being in a shitty marriage doesn't mean a person is a shitty parent. There are plenty shitty parents out there, but chances are they were shitty people first.
Despite what Hollywood may have us believe, walking out of a marriage isn't so cut and dry. There are many many things to weigh in that decision. Never be so sure what you'd do in a situation until you actually are in that situation. We've all known people that have thought about and rued over and worried about leaving or being left. And it almost always takes months, sometimes years for any action to be taken. That itself should prove that jsut saying "it's over" and starting anew isn't easy nor is it the norm.
My kids are growing up normal and seeing the same things I, and my wife, did as children. My folks have been married over 50 years. Hers over 40 years. My wife and I put our petty differences aside for the kids. Some may think they can pick up on it, but there is nothing to pick up on. It's not acting, it is a true and unwavering love for THEM that makes us raise them as best we can. Teach them right from wrong, kiss boo-boos, tuck into bed, go over homework, celebrate small victories, discipline for bad behavior. All the while we work as a team for them. That does not change.
Whatever kids pick up from their parents would be the same things they'd pick up if the parents were separated/divorced. People are who they are no matter the living situation. One day my marriage, probably sooner than later, will dissolve. When it does, it will happen after we decide that it's best for everyone. The manner in which we raise and love our children will remain constant.
I'm going to jump on this one too...
My marriage, at least to an outsider, probably looks like the best damned thing... The kids are wonderful and well adjusted.
My husband and I work incredibly well as a team to maintain a happy home life for ourselves and the children.
However, from my point of view, hubby and I are more like best friends, or really good room-mates...
I think it's all well and good to make sacrifices for your children, that's what you do as a parent - go without so that your children don't have to, give up your time to do things with them, for them. All of these things are as they should be.
The thing is, I am well aware that my husband could be much happier with someone else and I KNOW that is the case for me.
I don't think that it is right, nor is it healthy, to completely sacrifice one's own personal happiness in a situation like that...
I think at the end of the day, the best one can hope for is to instill good values into them, help them grow into balanced individuals. I mean they will all have shit to cope with in their lives, whether it's caused by you or not...
To give you an example... I have always been very honest and open with the kids. If they ask something, I will give them a truthful answer (appropriate to their age etc, obviously).
Recently my sister went a bit nuts at me because my youngest had said something about how she was glad that I would always be around for her.
I pointed out that I would be around as long as I could, but one day I would die and that we should just make the most of life, because you never knew when that might be.
She accepted this, but my sister felt that it was cruel.
I felt that it would be worse if I were to die and she felt like I had lied to her...
On Sunday, my eight year-old cousin died suddenly and unexpectedly, a very great shock to all of the family. But do you know, my kids, while being obviously sad at the loss of their friend and relative, they have accepted it and are now talking about what they are going to do to remember her...
My point being that they have adjusted, they are smart girls who are well-balanced and able to deal with what life throws at them... So, yes, parents can and should make sacrifices for their children but they also need to put themselves first too - kids really aren't always as fragile as we think.
In my opinion, as and when hubby and I split, we will still co-operate/make sacrifices for the kids, but being apart is not going screw the kids up - sure they will be upset, but at the end of the day, they have had the necessary 'training' if you like, to deal with that, to cope, to find balance...
I know that's probably not the answer to the question, but it is my opinion..
