My cousin found out yesterday that her best friend is cheating on her fiancee', but still wants to go through with the wedding. She (my cousin) is pretty good friends with the groom-to-be, but not as close as she is to the bride, and yes she's in the wedding. She has spent the last few months helping her to plan it, and they have together gotten pretty creative on how to build a wedding on a low budget. The husband seems crazy about her, as he damn well should be if he's about to get married, so much so that he's buying her a new car on his own money as a surprise wedding present.
As for her, she says she loves him, but just has an on-the-side fling with this other guy, and it has nothing to do with what she wants out of life with her fiancee'. She's pissed at her for cheating, but feels that her loyalty is to her friend, since she's closer to her than to him, and because of that, she can't tell him what she's doing. She insists that if the tables were turned, and she found out that it was HIM cheating, she's be telling her friend about it in a heartbeat.
How would you guys handle it? How far does loyalty go in terms of protecting the other partner from finding out about infidelity?
Would you always blow the whistle in this situation, possibly nuking a wedding, but knowing the marriage was getting off on a pretty shaky start of dishonesty if you kept your mouth shut? Or would it depend on which one it was, and which one you were closest to? Just to clarify, this isn't a matter of hearsay, and trusting somebody else's word- you either found out about the cheating first hand, or you saw it with your own eyes.
What would you do?
Very interesting question which should get some heated results. That's a tough position to be in. I've never been in that exact situation, but if I was, I would encourage the bride-to-be to come clean, and let the guy decide whether he still wanted to be with her, before the wedding. Especially if they are going to get married, she's going to be friends with both partners, and is stuck in the middle. She shouldn't be forced to carry the secret, and have to always worry about revealing something to her (male) friend. Also, if she doesn't do that, the male friend will feel betrayed later.
Because of the fact she's closer to the bride than the groom, she can't betray her friend and tell, but she needs to do her best to try and get the bride to tell, or at the very least, to end the affair.
the bride is pretty stupid to let anyone know what she's doing except maybe her closest girlfriend, especially someone she knows is friends with her fiancée.
almost makes me wonder if maybe she wants the whistle blown...maybe she secretly wants out of the wedding and this would be a sure fire way.
i do know that women who have flings are hyper vigilant keeping things very quiet...at least the women i know ;)
I have never blown the whistle on a friend's cheating and never will. I think that is something that needs to be discovered by the groom on his own. You run the risk of the bride denying it and the groom believing her and you could lose both friendships.
In this case, there's nothing to be gained by her spilling the beans, and a lot to be lost. First, the marriage will be wrecked. Even if they do go through with it, it will be a constant reminder of how their marriage started. Second, she'll always be the person that caused it. She stands to lose both his friendship and her friendship, as well as having any of their other friends turn against her. Somebody really wise once said, "Sex is only sex." Something about a deeper relationship being more important than a casual fling once in a while. This is something he needs to find out on his own, or not at all.
This is a crappy situation all around.
I agree with some of you saying that she should come clean. Starting a marriage out that way is probably a recipe for disaster. And putting a friend in a situation like that is not being a very good friend, especially if you are friends with both the bride and groom. If it were turned around I would want to know. I have played the part of the fool before and wouldn't want to see anyone doing that, especially someone that I am friends with. So I guess my answer would be a yes, I would tell if she didn't. I am willing to lose a friendship. I guess this falls into (for me) the Do unto others category.
I would strongly suggest, to him, that he not buy her the car, with a "just trust me!" attached.
WHR43, what does the date have to do with anything? Man, mankind, men and women, marriage, human emotions, interactions, dependency, dynamics....when did any of that change? Was there something in the Y2K rollover that changed anything about who or what mankind is, how we are wired, or that ended certain expectations and the essential seeds of happiness and fulfillment?
Or, is everything relative nowadays?
and to be honest if the one friend is cheating, and the boyfriend doesn't want to believe me the fuck them, they're not people I want to be friends with.
I walked in on my ex boyfriend having sex with another man who I will call K. K was engaged to a woman who was pregnant and a friend of mine. My ex boyfriend informed me that they had been fucking each other for a while (even while we were together). K said that he was only staying in the engagement because of the baby and because he was unsure of his sexuality. I debated a very long time, but eventually blew the whistle. The woman had the right to know. Everyone was incredibly angry with me in the beginning, but eventually things were worked out. I think it would depend on the situation. If someone is breaking my trust and cheating on me, I would want to know.
past victim of a cheating ex wife.....funny most of my friends knew but they told me they didn't want to be the one to tell me...hell i lost trust in her and my friends all at the same time
At the end of the day, it's a sad situation. Nobody will win and it will end up tragic.
I would stay out of it, and probably feel guilty for not saying anything. But...the couple is supposed to have rock-solid trust, and if that trust is broken, it's between them.
