A man contacts his local call girl centre and asks, "Do you have any woman over six feet tall?"
The reply came, "They are rare, sir. But there are a couple."
"She has to be very skinny," says the man.
"Well, sir," the voice dubious, We do have one woman, she's six feet seven inches tall. Very thin, but I have to advise you, sir, she has not been in demand. We were going to dismiss her."
"Sounds ideal, "the man said, " Send her round at 6.00pm." And he gave the address.
Promptly at six, the doorbell rang. The man opened the door and there stood the tallest woman he had ever seen, ragged brown hair hanging loose.
The man led her into the lounge where a large log fire was blazing. The man stood her on the rug in front of the fire. She applied a false sensuous look as she asked, "What do you want me to do?"
The man said, "First of all I'd like you to strip completely."
The woman did as requested trying to make it as sexy as she knew how. When she was totally bare with tiny breasts on display along with the ribs that showed boldly. God, she was so skinny. Scrawny arms and legs. She was ideal.
"Now," he said, "I want you to get onto your hands and knees."
The naked woman got into position, all sharp edges and bony protuberances. Her buttocks were pushed back expectantly.
The man said, "Just one moment." And he went out of the room, and when he returned he was dragging a huge Great Dane hound by a lead.
The woman gave a squeal of protest, but the man was addressing the dog in severe tones, "Now, Bruce, look at that." He pointed at the cowering woman. "That's what you'll look like if you don't eat your vitamin food." And to the woman, "Thank you, that's all."
NOTHING GOOD IS GOING TO LAST FOREVER---EXCEPT LOVE!
Two homeless men, one old and one younger one, are standing on the side of the road. The younger man has a sign that reads "Change Your Way - The End Is Near!" They are standing there, just talking, when a car comes by. The driver, enraged at the young man's sign, curses at him as he drives by. A moment later, the two homeless men hear a great crash.
A few minutes later, another car comes by and the same thing happens - the driver screams obscenities at them and drives by. Then a moment or two later, they hear a great crashing sound.
The younger man turns to his elder. "I wonder what is going on down the road?"
The older man says, "I don't know, but maybe you should have written Bridge Out on your sign."
A boy went into a drug store, looked around the counters nervously until the pharmacist came over and ask if he could help him. The boy looked at him then mumbled that he wanted to buy condoms but this was his first time and did not know much about them. The pharmacist told him they were sold in packs of 3, 6. 9, and 12. the boy thought, then said. "Well she is very beautiful and we have been dating for a while. We are having dinner with her parents then going to a movie, after that I think I will get lucky and once she has me ounce she will want me all the time. So give me the 12 pack. "
That night at the girl's house they sat with her parents around the table. He asked the girl's mother if he could say the blessing, she nodded and he bowed his head After he finished he bowed his head and said a few more words. The girl leaned over and said." You did not tell me you were so religious."
He leaned over to her and said,"You did not tell me your father was the pharmacist."
I was at the cemetery paying my respects and two gravestones over a man was sobbing uncontrollably. Between sobs I heard him repeatedly ask “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
I approached in an attempt to console him. “We all die, sir. It’s the cycle of life. The dead are gone, but the living must go on living.”
He was inconsolable; he went on repeating “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
I asked “If you don’t mind me asking, sir, who was the deceased?”
He replied “My wife’s first husband.”
A man staggered into the hospital
Two black eyes, cuts and bruises all over and golf club rapped around his neck
The doctor says to the man, what happened?
The man says." I don't remember all, I remember my wife and I were playing golf. We both sliced our balls into a farmers pasture so we went in to search for them.
I could not find a thing then I notice a white spot when a cows tail swished by as it swatted at flies. I walked up behind it and lifted it's tail, lodged in the butt hole was a monogram golf ball with my wife's initials on it.
Holding the tail up I got my wife attention and told her that it looks like hers."
Then the lights went out and that is all I remember, Doctor
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
What did god say when he created man?
"I can do better"
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A man was looking for his daughter, she is a teenager and her name is Anna. The man was feeling pretty low after watching his favorite team The Patriots lose a very important game the night before.
To cheer up he went to the kitchen to have a bowl of ice cream and started looking for his daughter to see if she wanted to join him. He went up to her room, the window was open but the room was empty.
Then he saw a note laying on her bed.
"Dear mom and dad,
I'm sorry I have to tell you like this but I am eloping with Muhammad.
I finally found true love and he is just great! I especially love his cute piercings, sexy scars, cool tattoo and big motor cycle!
That's not all - I'm expecting a child with him and am already 3 months pregnant. We are going to settle down in his trailer
and he says he want even more, I am so happy!!! And guess what? We are getting married next week!
He has also explained to me that weed is not as bad as people make it out to be, so now we are growing 17 plants behind the trailer.
We will have enough for him and his friends and in return they will give us all the pills we want.
I do hope they find a cure for AIDS soon so Muhammad can get better - He deserves it! Don't worry about money -
Muhammad's friends Juan and Stanislav are in the movie business and they arranged for me to be a actress!
The job pays pretty well, $50 a take and I get another 50 if there are more than 3 men in the same scene.
So don't worry about me - I am 16 and can take care of myself.
The next time I come to visit it will be with your grandchild!
xoxo- - Anna
P. S. Dad none of this is true - -I only popped over to Emma's place to watch some TV. I just wanted to remind you there are worse things than the Patriots losing.
See you in a bit!"
I saw a commercial truck yesterday with the words “CASEY’S TOOL WORKS” emblazoned on the side.
I said “So does mine, but I don’t brag about it.”
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
Two obese women are having a conversation while sitting at the bar
They were speaking with British accents
A gentleman walked up to them and asked,”are you ladies from England?”
They looked at him with mad faces and answered,”Wales!”
The gentleman said,”Oh, I’m sorry, are you two whales from England?”
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude, of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,
"Well then, maybe I will just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free"
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, " Well, little lady why don't you just go, give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day the shopkeeper was driving home and spotted the young woman standing waist-deep in murky water, shot gun in hand.
He seen a 9 foot gator swim rapidly right towards her. With lighting reflexes, the woman took aim, shoot the creature and hauled it up the slippery bank.
Near by there were 7 more dead gators all lying bell up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the young blonde struggle with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration.......
"CRAP, THIS ONE'S BARE FOOT TOO!!!"
I used the wrong name for a dwarf yesterday.
He wasn't Happy.
My first job was as a census taker. Being new on the job with no seniority, I was sent to canvass in apartment buildings in Chinatown. I entered a walk-up building and climbed the stairs to the sixth floor. Being unfamiliar with the building, I consulted my clipboard and knocked on a door. A distinguished Chinese gentleman answered. I looked again at my clipboard.
“Are you Foo King?” I asked.
He replied “No, we watching television.”
At the Halloween party last year my neighbors got into a real hot war of words that ended with him say, "when you die I am going to get you a tombstone that will read 'Here lays my wife cold as ever'"
Yeah, well, she shouted back, "When you die yours will read, 'Stiff at last'"
> Life in the Australian Army..
>
> Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
>
>
> Dear Mum & Dad,
>
> I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
> I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
>
> At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
>
> This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target -it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
>
> Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
> Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
>
> I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
>
> Your loving daughter,
>
> Susan
>
>
>
>
"the Great God (snicker)" - James 'Bear' Llewellyn
They had had a wonderful dinner and the sex was out of this world.
The panda was getting his stuff together when the woman said, "That'll be £100 please"
The panda looked confused.
"I'm a prostitute," she said and when the panda still looked dumbfounded, the woman got a dictionary and showed him the definition.
Prostitute - person who offers sexual services for money.
The panda too the dictionary, went back several pages and handed it back to the woman, pointing at an entry.
Panda - eats shoots and leaves
A Wife bring the romantic type sent this text:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile
If you are eating, send me a bite
If you are drinking, send me a sip
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I Love You
The husband replied:
I am on the toilet. Please advise
We Got all dressed up and called a taxis too pick us up, when it came we ran out under an umbrella to it. Just as we got to the car door my husband remembered he forgot to put our our old and very fat cat out. He ran back as I got in the car, not wanting the driver to know no one was home I said, "he forgot to say goodnight to my mother."
He returned, cloths wrinkled, sweating and breathing hard and I a loud voice he explained to me.
"I went back in and she saw me, got scared and ran up stairs and hid. I had to search for her and found under a bed. I could not reach her so I had to poke her in the fat ass with a coat hanger to get her out. As her head came out I grabbed here by the neck and put her in a big bag so she could not scratch me.
I haul her old ass down stairs and threw her out in the back yard and locked the door. I hope she does not shit in the garden, again ."
I looked at the driver that just sat there with his mouth open
