Tex Drifter's Hotline

4 Jun 2014

TexDrifter wrote:
Line's open for the next caller...

Quote this post for an answer...

Dear Tex Drifter,

So, you did not teach me the quote, woke up blonde again this morning. Hmmmmmm. Ok so nevahhhh mind

Here is zee problem. Being of French descent, well, zeeee women here use zeeeee waxes to get rid of Haires. Sometimes, zeeeee razor too
Well, I am zeeee blonde, so I thought I was very clever. I went to Mademoiselle Nair, she has zeeee machine that zaps zeeeeee hair away. Well, all gone voila, except one little stubborn, ohhhh how you say in zeeee Anglais? Ohhh. Zeeee little fuckahhhh. He grows back. Now here is zeeee problem. When Monsieur is on ma honey pot, zeeee hair tickle his nose, his mouth, you know zeeee fuckahhhhhh tickles everyting. It just won't go away. Zo help me with zeee hair problem pahhhhhhleeeeeese.

Thank you mon Chere
Grande bisses
Une blonde Francaise

4 Jun 2014

=d>

Quote by Karranaz

Dear TexDrifter,

For years I've been searching for a friendly clown to help me clear things up in my not-so-brainy-head. And before my grey matter became a permanent hat holder your expertise and enlightenment will be greatly appreciated.

-Ms. MAHBOHBEH

Dear Asksalottafuckin’questionsatonce,

Hi there. Aren’t you just a curious little pain-in-the-fuckin’-ass? Just a fair warning, Hun, I wouldn’t use that purty little head of yours to hang any hats on. Might squeeze the air out and leave you with an asymmetrical hairline. Just a little fashion tip from your Uncle Tex. Glad you could stop in. Good to hear from ya. Always happy to see new blood on the show. Didja happen to see the fuckin’ rules posted in the lobby by any chance? d'oh!

Didn’t think so. Lemme remind you of them here:

Read it

First-- Quote the nearest "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions) You pulled this one off, so I’m very proud of you!!!! hello1

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite) Again, thank you for your courtesy…good job!! cheerleader

Third--- Ask your question, state your problem, or voice your concern (only one topic per post...no cheating and getting two or three for the price of one) Uh-oh…we mightta fucked this one up just a skosch, dontcha think, Doll? kickbutt

Finally--- Sign your name and wait patiently for an answer Shhh

(I will answer all posts in the order they come in...if yours gets skipped, PM me)

Please keep in mind this is all in fun...Play nice with the other posters and I look forward to hearing from ya...none of this bullshit ---> argue

or this ---> boxing

Also, all replies are final, no bitching, pissing, moaning, or whining about the advice you get...it's FREE and ya get what ya pay for...

Anyway, due to low call volume and even more dismal ratings for the show, the fuckin’ producers say I gotta answer all of your fuckin’ questions on the one call. Lucky you. Fuck me right? Seems you have a lot of age-old questions that I might be able to help you with. Most of them I have no clue, some of them I’m gonna just make some shit up, a few I might pull off a semi-intelligent answer for. You can be assured that no matter what the question, I absolutely DO NOT give enough of a fuck to do any real research so this is all opinion and conjecture with no science or knowledge to speak of…K?

Can’t believe I’m reduced to this shit…

If nothing sticks to teflon what makes the teflon stick to the pan?
Nothing. If you’ve ever used Teflon pans very much, you know that the fuckin’ Teflon starts peeling off soon after the first egg slides out of it.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Depends on the glue, but most adhesives create a bond through a chemical reaction with air. As long as there isn’t much air in the container, the chemical reaction cannot occur and the adhesive remains in a liquid or gel state. Here’s a fun fact, did you know that most super models use Super Glue for lip gloss? Gives them that perfectly sealed shine all day. You should try it immediately.

Is it wrong for a vegetarian to eat animal crackers?
Yes. Mainly because it’s wrong to be a fucking vegetarian in the first place. We shouldn’t allow those pale, overly smug, little twits to consume any food that would be better allocated to starving children or used as bait to trap pesky rodents. We’re at the top of the food chain people. Enjoy it. Go out and have a nice, juicy steak and a beer. And if you ever get a chance to hear a Vegan’s explanation for their lifestyle choice, pass. Remind them that no one gives a shit and go on about your merry, meat-eating way.

If people from Poland are called ""poles"" are people from Holland called ""holes?""
No, they are actually called Dutch. Idunno why. But that isn’t the weirdest thing about ‘em by a long shot.

Can you cry under water?
No. I’m a socio-path and incapable of crying. Not sure what water has to do with anything though?

Is there an abbreviation for the word abbreviation?
I dnt know, bt thr shd b. Tht wrd is a nghtmre to spll.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Because Americans have no grasp of the English language. They should be called Intrastate Highways, but people are fucking stupid and some of them work for the Govt. Also, because federal money helped build them.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Nope. My imagination is kind of a traditionalist. Sticks pretty much to cool toys, cold beer, and hot chicks that dig anal.

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Same way he gets home in the evenings, dumb-ass…He DRIVES THE FUCKIN’ SNOWPLOW!!

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it is called cargo?
Same reason we drive on parkways and park on driveways.

What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Cargo containers lol

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Idunno, but let’s try it a couple hundred times and see….heeeere kitty, kitty, kitty…

What is another word for thesaurus?
Book

Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Irony

When sign makers go on strike, what do their signs say?
Signs don’t say anything, you have to read ‘em

Is it okay to shoot tourists during tourist season?
No. But it is legal to trap them. There are tourist traps all along the coasts. Other than along beaches, I think Indians are the only ones who can trap them legally in most states except for Nevada and New Jersey.

Why can't we tickle ourselves?
Because you spend so much time touching yourself that you’ve gotten used to it.

Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have five syllables?
Because the prefix “mono” has two syllables and “syllabic” has three. Ya throw ‘em together and simple math works out to five every time. Duh.

Why do they call a building a building when it is already built?
There is no good explanation and I’m thinkin’, no decent joke here either. I could probably think of something funny to say about it, but I lost interest.

If seven-elevens are always open, why do they have locks on their doors?
Because in order to get commercial doors without locks you have to special order them. Custom doors are more expensive. So, they buy the cheap-as-fuck commercial doors that come with locks.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
I hope so. Only thing more boring than synchronized swimming is answering endless bullshit questions.

If honesty is the best policy, then is dishonesty the second best policy?
No!!! Honesty is almost NEVER the best policy. That is a pure myth. Honesty will get you fired, divorced, disowned, and ostracized within 24 hours of making the decision to be completely honest with people. Nobody wants honesty. They want polite lies told with a straight face.

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
Nope. Just snot.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how will anyone ever know?
Almost all of them ARE misspelled. Especially in the European dictionaries. They musta had a shitload of extra “U’s” layin’ around when they wrote them…colour, flavour, humour, etc…Fuckin’ Europeans…

Hope this answers some of your questions adequately. Stop by any time you have A (singular) question, concern, worry, or just need to vent. Evidently there is no level I won’t stoop down to in order to please the tens of fans and appease the fuckin’ producers. And as always, thanks for playin’ along.
XXXOOO
Tex

4 Jun 2014

Quote by TexDrifter
Line's open for the next caller...

Quote this post for an answer...

Dear Tex,

So Summer is chere even though it's stealen bein Spring. I haven this here problem on my upper portion of my body. I gets all hot and a sweatin it up somethang fierce!
This nasty rash appears on me and turns all infamed and shits but see I wanted to goes to the doctor for some cream. But my ol' man he likes it. He said it gives him somethin new to look at and said my tits got a butter popcorn smell to them nows and makes his mouth water.
I think he done crack his damn head! I hafta know how I can gets him to gives me the money to get this chere rash gone.

Miss Rashatits

4 Jun 2014

Dear Tex,

Is it true that only 2 things come from Texas? In case you aren't sure of what they are, they rhyme, LOL!!

Enquiring Minds Want To Know

5 Jun 2014

Quote by TexDrifter
Line's open for the next caller...

Quote this post for an answer...

Dear Tex,

First of all I should tell you that I am what some people call a natural woman. My hair has never been cut, and hangs well below my butt, my legs, arms or pubic area has never been cut, trimmed of shaved. When I bathe, I never use the soap or shampoos. They are filled with all kind of chemicals that will lead to rashes and harm my body.

At 37, I am still technically a virgin. Technically because no man has ever penetrated me. My last sexual encounter was two years ago, and just like many of my other encounters, he allowed me to please him orally, and when he went to return the favor, he passed out, and after the EMTs left, I was again alone with my cucumbers.

What should I do? I am ready to feel a man inside of me. To feel his rigid penis push against my cervix while he is ravishing my all natural G tits. Then to feel him explode his seed into me. I do not want to die a virgin, Mr. Tex. surly there are men out there that appreciates an all natural woman, aren't they? Please all wise one, help a girl out.

Nattie Truell

6 Jun 2014

Quote by alliebug69

Dear Tex,

First of all I should tell you that I am what some people call a natural woman. My hair has never been cut, and hangs well below my butt, my legs, arms or pubic area has never been cut, trimmed of shaved. When I bathe, I never use the soap or shampoos. They are filled with all kind of chemicals that will lead to rashes and harm my body.

At 37, I am still technically a virgin. Technically because no man has ever penetrated me. My last sexual encounter was two years ago, and just like many of my other encounters, he allowed me to please him orally, and when he went to return the favor, he passed out, and after the EMTs left, I was again alone with my cucumbers.

What should I do? I am ready to feel a man inside of me. To feel his rigid penis push against my cervix while he is ravishing my all natural G tits. Then to feel him explode his seed into me. I do not want to die a virgin, Mr. Tex. surly there are men out there that appreciates an all natural woman, aren't they? Please all wise one, help a girl out.

Nattie Truell

LMFAO @ passed out!! (Imma git inta trouble fer that I'm shoor. ). Sorry dexter.

6 Jun 2014

Quote by TexDrifter
Line's open....waiting for the first caller...

Quote this post to get started...

Hi Mr Dexter.

I need your help. It's about Dem Bitchez tryin to steal my man!! They walk into the local bar with their big poofy hair, a bit of face on their makeup and sippin their mojitos. I think they got the mojito idea from some clown writ in' on a website somewhere. Anyhowhoo, they sauntering into our bar and they spot him straight away. I'll admit a man in a suit makes me horny. (Especially a clown suit) Ok TMI. ANYHOO, they see this clown and they may have a clown fetish too cause before you can blink a heavily eyeshadow laden eye, one of dem bitchez has dropped a false fingernail and bends down to pick it up givin clownface a full on view of what you see when a girl wears no panties. I'm sure you can can imagine what that is, right clownface? WUT I need to know Dexter is WUT do I do to stop this? Everyone knows that if a girl wearing only 9 false fingernails bends down to rescue no 10, he's gonna get an eyeful. How do I stop dem bitchez from doing it in front of MY clown? Thanks in advance. Diana Notwunnadembitchez xxxooo .

6 Jun 2014

Quote by TexDrifter
Line's open for the next caller...

Quote this post for an answer...

Dear Tex,
Don't shoot me if I am not following the rules. I was born blonde
even if I have since turned brunette... But the big question is-
Cowboys , Steelers, Saints, Broncos or Patriots next season?
With the football season just a short time away(yes I'm counting down)
I have to start talking shit soon.
Thanks , Leigh Ann

10 Jun 2014

Quote by TexDrifter
Line's open for the next caller...

Quote this post for an answer...

k

Dearest Tex,
how do I deal with a clingy guy without hurting his feelings?

scaredcat

10 Jun 2014

Dear Dex,

What time will you be home for dinner?

11 Jun 2014

Quote by Shortnsassyone
TexDrifter wrote:
Line's open for the next caller...

Quote this post for an answer...

Dear Tex Drifter,

So, you did not teach me the quote, woke up blonde again this morning. Hmmmmmm. Ok so nevahhhh mind

Here is zee problem. Being of French descent, well, zeeee women here use zeeeee waxes to get rid of Haires. Sometimes, zeeeee razor too
Well, I am zeeee blonde, so I thought I was very clever. I went to Mademoiselle Nair, she has zeeee machine that zaps zeeeeee hair away. Well, all gone voila, except one little stubborn, ohhhh how you say in zeeee Anglais? Ohhh. Zeeee little fuckahhhh. He grows back. Now here is zeeee problem. When Monsieur is on ma honey pot, zeeee hair tickle his nose, his mouth, you know zeeee fuckahhhhhh tickles everyting. It just won't go away. Zo help me with zeee hair problem pahhhhhhleeeeeese.

Thank you mon Chere
Grande bisses
Une blonde Francaise

Dear Follically Frustrated Frenchie,

I’m so elated to have you on the show again. First thing’s first. Gotta get you on board with this whole quote button thing. I never pass on the opportunity to help out a Beautiful, Blonde Bomb-crater such as yourself!! Let’s getcha fixed up, ok Dumplin’?

To quote a post, all ya gotta do is hit the little “quote” button in the upper right hand (that’s the hand ya cup the balls with, Doll) corner of the post you’re hoping to quote. The content of that post will basically be copied and pasted into your text box (don’t worry about it filling up, your box is HUGE and will take everything you can shove in it). Then you just click in the box below the quoted text and add whatever thought was rattling around all that free space beneath your silky, golden locks and between your airtight, well-nibbled ears.

Why would you do this? By quoting the post you’re answering, you clear up any confusion about who you’re talking to and, as an added bonus, it shoots a notification to the timeline of the person you’ve quoted so they know you took the time to comment on their comment.

As for the Hotline, when you quote a “line’s open for the next caller” post, it shows up on my timeline so I know that you’ve posted an all-important, earth-shattering problem that needs some fixin’…like the one you have today…or several days ago…whatever. I’ll answer whether you quote or not, but may not notice it for quite some time if you don’t. Hope this has cleared up the mystery of the quote button for ya, Blondie. Now, on to your little problem…

So, we have a little bit of a language barrier here (I can manage Spanish ok, but the only thing French in Texas is zee fries), but I think I have the jist of your problem. Madame Nair zapped away your bikini-brush-pile, but one twig seems to be resistant to the laser. Keeps hangin’ around and fuckin’ up Monsieur’s French cuisine, right?

Not a problem. I know you frogs have a little trouble with hygiene, but this is a pretty simple fix. Get yourself a pair of tweezers and pluck zee little fuckah. Problem solved until you can get back to Madame Nair’s boutique and have her zap zee leetle bahsterd for good. Now, if you’re a little unsure of your tweezing skills, you should practice by working on zat tre` disgustingique fuckin’ monobrow ya got creeping across your forehead. Or, you could have Monsieur do the dirty work. He can practice on that freaky French tarantula ya got peeking out from around the backside of your thong. If you guys have any questions, I suggest you talk to a couple of your Brazilian friends. They are experts in this area.

Other than that, the only advice I have for you is to stop calling that funky French bait bucket of yours a honeypot. Kudos to Monsieur for taking the southern dive into that olfactory nightmare!!! Personally, I’d rather eat room temperature, three-day-old oysters off the shithouse floor in the dysentery wing of a bordertown jail.

Hope this has helped and as always, mon amour, thanks for playin’ along.

XXXOOO
Tex

11 Jun 2014

Quote by TexDrifter
Line's open for the next caller...

Quote this post for an answer...

Hey Tex! Long time listener but first time caller. I'm with an amazing woman and I absolutely adore her. She's funny, intelligent, keeps a great home, and keeps herself fit. I can't imagine my life without her.

My problem is with our sex life. Not that I don't want to, but I'm finding it difficult to stay in the mood once we get started. Well, I'll just say it...her vagina smells like a 2lb. catfish wrapped in a used Depends that was forgotten underneath my truck seat in July. There it is...

My question, how do I tell her that she reeks without hurting her feelings?

Please help! Respirated Love

12 Jun 2014

Quote by TexDrifter
Line's open....waiting for the first caller...

Quote this post to get started...

Dear Tex

I am like seriously SERIOUSLY curious about a lot of things and like seriously need to know like ....

What happens when you get 'half scared to death' twice?

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If all the world's a stage, where does the audience sit?

It it's tourist season why can't we shoot them?

Why are the alphabets in the order that they are? Is it because it's a song?

If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it called success?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If work is so terrific, how come you get paid for it?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the others drown too?

Are the good things that come to people who wait, the leftovers of people who went before them?

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality comes from morons?

Why aren't blueberries blue?

Why is Greenland called Greenland, when it's white and covered with ice?

Why is the word for "a fear of long words," hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, so long?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

What if Batman gets bitten by a vampire?

Did the Mayans get bored after reaching 2012 or is the predication for real?

Can we spell creativity however we want?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Where are all the mentally handicapped parking spaces for people like me?

Has your mate ever called you at work to ask where the remote control is?

Was the person who invented the Express Lane at the grocery store properly thanked?

Why don't you ever see ads for advertising companies?

Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?

If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?

Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights?

Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?

Why do all the superheroes wear underpants on the outside?

If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?

Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

When something is funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

I have so like so many more questions for next week because I am like seriously SERIOUSLY curious!

Love,
LikaAskaLottaShit

12 Jun 2014

Quote by TexDrifter
Line's open for the next caller...

Quote this post for an answer...

Dear Tex,

I have a problem. You see, I like to write fun little stories about some of my rompings, and then I share them with people. However, I recently came up with a little tale for fun to enter in a competition. However, since its a different style then I typically write, my readers seem to have shunned it. What can I do to get my readership back?

Thanks,

Lost the Love

12 Jun 2014

Quote by Dirty_D

Dear Tex,

I have a problem. You see, I like to write fun little stories about some of my rompings, and then I share them with people. However, I recently came up with a little tale for fun to enter in a competition. However, since its a different style then I typically write, my readers seem to have shunned it. What can I do to get my readership back?

Thanks,

Lost the Love

Dear Brain Fart,

First of all, thank you so much for listening and being a supporter of the show. Also, I deeply appreciate you having the courage to be the first to come forward with a REAL problem.

I know I skipped a few posts to answer this one right away (don’t worry, I’ll get to ‘em) but I will always move anything I think might be a serious concern for someone to the top of the stack. I know, it ain’t like you’re really sitting on pins and needles waiting for a fuckin’ clown to give ya advice, but I figure if you come to me with a real problem, the least I can do is get back to you as quickly as possible with a real answer. So, here’s what I think…

From what I gather, you’ve entered a writing competition here on Lush and decided to move out of your comfort zone a little and write something different right? I get it. We all get bored with writing the same old shit now and then. It’s good to push yourself into something new.

Problem is, now your faithful fans, avid readers, and fantasy friends have all left you high and dry on this new genre. Just when you need their support the most, they bail on ya right? I get it. And I think I have a clue what the problem is.

See, you’re a good writer, but also kind of a fuckin’ dumb-ass. Never really noticed it before, but seriously girl, how DO you dye those roots brown? Maybe you just made the age-old female mistake of holding a fart. The damned thing crawled up your spine, curled up in your silly little brain, and turned into a shitty idea.

You have a semi-established fan-base/readership of mostly heterosexual males, right? What isn’t heterosexual males is mostly heterosexual and bi-curious females. Still following my math here? Finally, you probably have a handful of lesbian friends and fans. Wanna know what heterosexual males, heterosexual females, bisexual females, and lesbians ALL have in common? They DON’T GIVE A FUCK about sweaty, hairy-assed, dude on dude sex.

I can only assume you are posing this problem over your new story, ‘Flat Out’. And although I commend you on branching out and challenging yourself by writing a gay male story, I have to say it was a dumb-shit move to do it for the competition. Just not gonna get much interest outta your fabulous faithful.

I’m ashamed to admit that I myself put the notification in my “to do” folder and the fact that it’s a gay male story keeps pushing it to the bottom of my priority list. Shouldn’t be that way, but hey, it’s true. I am sorry, and I will read and score and comment on it before the week is out. I apologize for my shallowness.

Now, before you start hollering homophobe, I want you to know nothing could be further from the truth. Fact is, I’m not afraid of music, but I don’t sit around reading stereo instructions either. Just not interested. I would bet my right nut (least favorite) that the majority of your followers are in the same boat. Not offended or disenchanted…just indifferent to that particular story. I should also point out that one of my best friends on the planet is a lesbian and I also have a token gay male friend just to balance my world against the fuckin’ Politically Correct Police. Actually that’s a lie. I don’t give a fuck about the PCPD, I just dig my friends because they are fun people to be around and are genuinely good people.

So, if any clamdiggers or booty pirates are listening out there, save the fuckin’ hate mail. I don’t give two shits who you pick, lick, or stick. There is nothing on this planet more interesting to me than my own orgasm and nothing less interesting than yours or how you get it. Have fun, be safe, and send the shitty emails to someone who deserves them, might open them, and has a chance of giving a fuck about your little hissy fit tantrum.

Back to Dirty_D’s dirty disaster. My problem with your story isn’t that it’s a fag story. It’s that you didn’t have the foresight to realize it wasn’t a good time to go that direction for a competition. Not if you wanted to get enough votes to win. If you keep writing in that genre and develop a following, who knows? Might win a comp with a queer romp, but until then you prolly won’t get much help from your current followers.

Don’t sweat it kiddo. Your faithful few will come back in droves as soon as you post something more along the lines of what they’re used to. Preferably something with “Fuck” in the title and tagged with anal, first time, and filthy slut. Your celebrity will be resumed without the slightest blemish. I actually have no idea what your norm really is, but I thought I’d just spitball ya a few tried and trues.

Now, as I said before, it was a ballsy move to write a gay male story in the first place, much less enter it in a competition. I appreciate and commend the courage. I’d like to help any way I can and I’ll start by saying this…

Dear everyone listening, watching, reading, or creeping this thread,

I have a favor to ask. If you think this silly little experiment called ‘Tex Drifter’s Hotline’ is a worthwhile form of entertainment, please do me a solid and use the following link to go to Dirty_D’s competition story, ‘Flat Out’ and give it a read and a score .It’d be really nice if you comment and let her know what you think too, but at least score it.

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/gay-male/flat-out.aspx

Get the fuck over your silly hang-ups about sweaty-gross mansex (skim over it if you have to) and just read the story with an eye toward writing style and story development. I’m not saying give her a buncha token 5’s. Give her an honest score on the job she did writing the story. I haven’t read it yet either so I’ll be doing the same thing.

It is a lotta work to write a story for Lush (gotta bring you’re A game because there are a lot of good writers here) and it’s very disappointing when you spend the time and effort and no one even gives your work a fair chance. I’d like to see if the folks on this thread can make a difference for her. Ok, part of it is I’d like to see if anyone out there is actually reading this shit.

Basically, my advice to you, Dirty, is this: Any time you feel the urge to veer away from your readers’ comfort zone and branch out into uncharted territory, by all means do it!!! It will make you a better writer and give you a sense of accomplishment. Just don’t do it on a competition. You’ll most likely be disappointed in the outcome.

I truly hope this has helped, and I hope you’ll let me know if you get any nibbles from the tens of fans I have lurking around. If not, I might wanna consider wasting my time on some other hair-brained idea. Thank you again for posting something a little more serious, and as always, thanks for playin’ along.

XXXOOO
Tex
P.S. All you fucktarded asshats that didn’t click on the link the first time and give the fag story a fair read, go do it now…purty please.
http://www.lushstories.com/stories/gay-male/flat-out.aspx

19 Jun 2014

Quote by Sassylicious

Dear Tex,

So Summer is chere even though it's stealen bein Spring. I haven this here problem on my upper portion of my body. I gets all hot and a sweatin it up somethang fierce!
This nasty rash appears on me and turns all infamed and shits but see I wanted to goes to the doctor for some cream. But my ol' man he likes it. He said it gives him somethin new to look at and said my tits got a butter popcorn smell to them nows and makes his mouth water.
I think he done crack his damn head! I hafta know how I can gets him to gives me the money to get this chere rash gone.

Miss Rashatits

Dear Filthy Bitch,

Thanks for callin’ in. Sorry it has taken this long to get back to you, but I was on vacation. Been workin’ on my tan down in Jamaica, Mon!!! Love it down there!!! Beats the shit outta hangin’ with you losers.

Idunno if it’s the sun, the rum, the Red Stripe, or the barely bikini-clad bitchez fogging my mind; but, I’m having a helluva time nailing down your accent. I’m bouncing back and forth between Swedish, hillbilly, and plain old Arkansas trailer park? Anyway, I think I have a pretty good fix on your problem and a couple ideas that might help.

First of all, your man is full of shit. Nobody wants to be rubbing up against anything that nasty. Even the most perverted of the pervs shy away from unidentified skin lesions and rashes. Ain’t nothin’ sexy about itchy. He’s just tryin’ to avoid the fuckin’ copay. Or the extra gas to take you to the ER that could be spent on generic beer, a fresh trim on his vintage 80s mullet, or old tires to throw up on the roof of the house so it don’t rattle so bad in wind storms.

Point is, you gotta go get that tainted torso of yours looked at by a dermatologist (skin doctor). There are a wide variety of conditions that can cause the symptoms you’re describing. Most are not severe, but, if left untreated. could turn into cellulitis, which is a bacterial infection of the skin that can be very dangerous and even fatal.

There is also an outside chance that you are in the beginning stages of necrotizing fasciitis (commonly called the flesh eating disease). Luckily, if you’re reading this after the long wait for me to get back from a couple weeks of drunkenly ogling bikini babes, you’re prolly in the clear. You’d be dead by now. Fuck, I hope this whole thing isn’t a waste of my time.

My guess? It’s most likely a heat rash caused by a combination of dismal hygiene and lack of decent air conditioning. Get your popcorn lovin’ stud muffin’ to go out and check the pads on the ol’ swamp cooler. Betcha a bottle of calamine lotion the fuckin’ pump quit and the pads are dry. Get the kids to take turns wetting down the pads every hour or so (be sure to have them use the neighbor’s hose to keep the water bill down) and the trailer should be cool and comfy as any big, nice Motel 6 you’ve ever stayed in.

Now that we’ve fixed the heat part, let’s tackle the rash. Your one shower a week isn’t keeping up with the sweaty, skanky stew percolating deep down in the cracks and crevices between your fat rolls and dem big ol’, floppy, backwoods ta-tas. No telling what kind of fungus is growing in and around all your various folds. Whatever it is, the buttery popcorn smell will most likely give way to more of a dockside dumpster aroma if you don’t get it under control soon.

My advice? Wash your nasty ass. See a doctor. Keep your affected areas cool and dry for a few days. Slather on whatever antibiotic ointment the doc pitches atcha from across the room and get yourself healthy again.

How do you get Mullet-man to part with the rash cash? Same way women ALWAYS get what they want outta their chosen beloved. The three Bs. Blowjob, butt-sex, and a bacon sammich. Don’t skimp on the bacon either. With any luck the doc will feel for ya and give ya something for the grease burns down your cleavage and the carpet burns on your knees. Might even score a couple sample tubes of Preparation H. Hell, he’ll prolly give you anything you want to get your filthy ass outta his office. Go nuts. Stock the medicine cabinet with something besides Dollar Store perfume and that funky old comb nobody ever uses.

I hope this helps. Really hope it wasn’t the flesh-eating shit because if it was I just wasted ten minutes for fuckin’ nothin’…and, as always, thanks for playin’ along.

XXXOOO
Tex

19 Jun 2014

Quote by Nikki703
Dear Tex,

Is it true that only 2 things come from Texas? In case you aren't sure of what they are, they rhyme, LOL!!

Enquiring Minds Want To Know

Dear Centerpiece,

Thanks for your call. I would apologize for taking so long to answer, but you fucked up and forgot to quote a “next caller” post, so fuck you…no apology needed. I know it’s your first time on the show, so I’ll be gentle.

The simple answer to your simple-minded question is no. Texas is a huge state that is diverse in everything from geography to culture to economics to technology. We export everything from agricultural products like cotton, beef, and soybeans to industrial goods including oil, natural gas, and all kinds of refined crude oil products (fuck hybrid cars, we dig the gas guzzlers). We’re even pretty high tech for a buncha cowboys. Ever heard of NASA? Houston ain’t just the radio call sign of the astronauts home base…it’s also the actual location.

Texas has a very diverse population as well. People of almost every race, color, religion, sexual orientation, and creed come from Texas. I could quote a buncha boring-assed statistics, but that would require research and you really ain’t worth the fuckin’ trouble, Hun. Not to mention, we both know none of this really answers your lil’ ol’ question, does it?

What you wanna know is if the line from all those old war movies is true. You know the one. Some crusty old drill sergeant asks some new recruit where he’s from and the recruit says, “Texas.”

The drill sergeant then gets in the terrified recruits face and screams, “Only two things come from Texas, that’s steers and queers, and I don’t see no horns on you, boy!!!” Thus implying that the young man is either a hornless steer (a steer is a bull that has been castrated for all you city folk) or that he is gay. Either way, it’s meant to challenge the poor kid to either stand up for himself and be immediately beat down, or cower away and be beat down for being a coward. Fuckin’ drill sergeants.

Anyway, the answer to your lame-assed question is still no. How fuckin’ retarded are you? It would be ridiculous to think that only castrated or gay men came from Texas.

I know…that was a little harsh. Not your fault. It’s all those fuckin’ war movies. Which begs the real question here…What’s a chick doing watching war movies with enough interest to memorize silly little lines like that one? Hmmm?

I have a theory (you knew I would). Wanna hear it? Too fuckin’ bad, I had to sit here and answer this bullshit so you’re gonna fuckin’ well listen. See, I doubt very seriously you served in the military. You just don’t look butchy enough. So, that only really leaves one explanation as to why you’re quoting ‘Full Metal Jacket’ instead of ‘Jerry McGuire’ or ‘P.S. I Love You’ or some other boring, sappy-as-fuck chick flick.

I’m guessing you spent your sexually formative years strummin’ your little nub to war movies because of deep-seeded Daddy issues. You didn’t get the masculine attention you needed from your dear old Dad, so you looked to the big screen to fill that macho void in your life.

Probably started innocently enough, but by the time you reached your late teens and early twenties, you were imagining sweaty platoons of men popping off different kinds of explosions deep in your jungle. By the time you discovered real porn, you were too set in your ways to change. The only thing that got you going was large groups of filthy, animalistic, soldiers with thousand yard stares and sweat-glistening muscles.

But then the movies wouldn’t do it for ya any more either, would they Darlin’? You needed something real. Something tangible. Something that gave you more of a charge than IMAGINING a filthy, sweaty, primal gang-bang. You needed to FEEL it. But with no military bases in sight, what could a girl possibly do?

That’s right. Homeless drifters. Hippies. Hoboes. Carnies. Basically any group of more than five disgustingly dirty guys that you could coax into the shadows for a train ride. All that really mattered was the foul, overwhelming stench of unwashed male flesh and being the object of their full attention (even while they stood in line for their turn).

Ironic thing is that during all the time you’ve spent as the pivot point for vagrant circle-jerks there’s no telling how much Texas crude has painted your face, filled your tank, or lubed your colon. Hell, you’ve prolly been hollowed out by enough Texas long horns to get an honorary degree from UT and don’t even know it. Life’s funny. Ever had the answer to a question right on the tip of your tongue? I’d be willing to bet you have. Tip of your tongue, down your throat, up your…well, you get the point.

What I’m saying is this: Any slut that’s been passed around like you have couldn’t possibly have made it through all those tag-team matches without answering this question on her own. Just by sheer law of averages there had to be at least ten or twenty Texans blow a load in you, thus proving to be neither a steer, nor gay.

So, there is only one explanation for the question in the first place. You’re just fuckin’ with me to get on air aren’t you?...Clever girl. Gonna have to keep my eye on you! I get that you have stars in your eyes, but the problem is, I don’t really have enough listeners to even scare up a decent warm-up for the gang-bangs you’re accustomed to. Sorry, Doll, but you’re gonna have to keep working the bukkake porn shoots if you really want your fifteen minutes of fame (more like three minutes cuz everyone just fast forwards to the money shots).

Speaking of the porn set, sorry about the vinyl couch in the green room. Lucky we had enough extras around to peel you off of it. Maybe rinse off before ya stop by next time? You’ll be less sticky and I’m hoping you won’t stink the place up with the scent of cheap, vanilla perfume and stale jizz. We try to run a classy operation down there so try to clean yourself up and show a little respect.

Well, I hope this answered your stupid fuckin’ question, maybe opened your eyes a little, and shed some light on some of the “why’s” you’ve often wondered about; but had too much funky, cheesy cock in your throat to really spend much time pondering the answers. Good luck with the anal retreading. Hope it lasts a little longer than six months this time. And, as always, thanks for playing along.

XXXOOO
Tex

19 Jun 2014

Quote by TexDrifter

Dear Centerpiece,

Thanks for your call. I would apologize for taking so long to answer, but you fucked up and forgot to quote a “next caller” post, so fuck you…no apology needed. I know it’s your first time on the show, so I’ll be gentle.

The simple answer to your simple-minded question is no. Texas is a huge state that is diverse in everything from geography to culture to economics to technology. We export everything from agricultural products like cotton, beef, and soybeans to industrial goods including oil, natural gas, and all kinds of refined crude oil products (fuck hybrid cars, we dig the gas guzzlers). We’re even pretty high tech for a buncha cowboys. Ever heard of NASA? Houston ain’t just the radio call sign of the astronauts home base…it’s also the actual location.

Texas has a very diverse population as well. People of almost every race, color, religion, sexual orientation, and creed come from Texas. I could quote a buncha boring-assed statistics, but that would require research and you really ain’t worth the fuckin’ trouble, Hun. Not to mention, we both know none of this really answers your lil’ ol’ question, does it?

What you wanna know is if the line from all those old war movies is true. You know the one. Some crusty old drill sergeant asks some new recruit where he’s from and the recruit says, “Texas.”

The drill sergeant then gets in the terrified recruits face and screams, “Only two things come from Texas, that’s steers and queers, and I don’t see no horns on you, boy!!!” Thus implying that the young man is either a hornless steer (a steer is a bull that has been castrated for all you city folk) or that he is gay. Either way, it’s meant to challenge the poor kid to either stand up for himself and be immediately beat down, or cower away and be beat down for being a coward. Fuckin’ drill sergeants.

Anyway, the answer to your lame-assed question is still no. How fuckin’ retarded are you? It would be ridiculous to think that only castrated or gay men came from Texas.

I know…that was a little harsh. Not your fault. It’s all those fuckin’ war movies. Which begs the real question here…What’s a chick doing watching war movies with enough interest to memorize silly little lines like that one? Hmmm?

I have a theory (you knew I would). Wanna hear it? Too fuckin’ bad, I had to sit here and answer this bullshit so you’re gonna fuckin’ well listen. See, I doubt very seriously you served in the military. You just don’t look butchy enough. So, that only really leaves one explanation as to why you’re quoting ‘Full Metal Jacket’ instead of ‘Jerry McGuire’ or ‘P.S. I Love You’ or some other boring, sappy-as-fuck chick flick.

I’m guessing you spent your sexually formative years strummin’ your little nub to war movies because of deep-seeded Daddy issues. You didn’t get the masculine attention you needed from your dear old Dad, so you looked to the big screen to fill that macho void in your life.

Probably started innocently enough, but by the time you reached your late teens and early twenties, you were imagining sweaty platoons of men popping off different kinds of explosions deep in your jungle. By the time you discovered real porn, you were too set in your ways to change. The only thing that got you going was large groups of filthy, animalistic, soldiers with thousand yard stares and sweat-glistening muscles.

But then the movies wouldn’t do it for ya any more either, would they Darlin’? You needed something real. Something tangible. Something that gave you more of a charge than IMAGINING a filthy, sweaty, primal gang-bang. You needed to FEEL it. But with no military bases in sight, what could a girl possibly do?

That’s right. Homeless drifters. Hippies. Hoboes. Carnies. Basically any group of more than five disgustingly dirty guys that you could coax into the shadows for a train ride. All that really mattered was the foul, overwhelming stench of unwashed male flesh and being the object of their full attention (even while they stood in line for their turn).

Ironic thing is that during all the time you’ve spent as the pivot point for vagrant circle-jerks there’s no telling how much Texas crude has painted your face, filled your tank, or lubed your colon. Hell, you’ve prolly been hollowed out by enough Texas long horns to get an honorary degree from UT and don’t even know it. Life’s funny. Ever had the answer to a question right on the tip of your tongue? I’d be willing to bet you have. Tip of your tongue, down your throat, up your…well, you get the point.

What I’m saying is this: Any slut that’s been passed around like you have couldn’t possibly have made it through all those tag-team matches without answering this question on her own. Just by sheer law of averages there had to be at least ten or twenty Texans blow a load in you, thus proving to be neither a steer, nor gay.

So, there is only one explanation for the question in the first place. You’re just fuckin’ with me to get on air aren’t you?...Clever girl. Gonna have to keep my eye on you! I get that you have stars in your eyes, but the problem is, I don’t really have enough listeners to even scare up a decent warm-up for the gang-bangs you’re accustomed to. Sorry, Doll, but you’re gonna have to keep working the bukkake porn shoots if you really want your fifteen minutes of fame (more like three minutes cuz everyone just fast forwards to the money shots).

Speaking of the porn set, sorry about the vinyl couch in the green room. Lucky we had enough extras around to peel you off of it. Maybe rinse off before ya stop by next time? You’ll be less sticky and I’m hoping you won’t stink the place up with the scent of cheap, vanilla perfume and stale jizz. We try to run a classy operation down there so try to clean yourself up and show a little respect.

Well, I hope this answered your stupid fuckin’ question, maybe opened your eyes a little, and shed some light on some of the “why’s” you’ve often wondered about; but had too much funky, cheesy cock in your throat to really spend much time pondering the answers. Good luck with the anal retreading. Hope it lasts a little longer than six months this time. And, as always, thanks for playing along.

XXXOOO
Tex

Dear Tex,

Thank You so much for opening my eyes about Texas. Here I thought the Great State of Texas was just some cultural wasteland, the home of wide open spaces where cowboys roamed free and the cattle and sheep ran scared. The home of the such historical sites as The Alamo (remember?) and the Eighth Wonder of the World. The home of bad sports teams (OK, Ill give you the Spurs) especially the so-called America's Team. The setting for such TV shows as Dallas and Walker, Texas Ranger and movies like Apollo 13, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and of course Debbie Does Dallas. The birthplace of presidents Dwight Eisenhower and Lyndon Johnson, great actors like Woody Harrelson, Tommy Lee Jones, Joan Crawford, the Quaid Brothers and Anna Nicole Smith, Comedians like Steve Martin, Bill Engval and Ron White, Musicians like Janis Joplin, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, Buddy Holly and the late great "Dime Bag" Darrell. And of course Vanilla Ice!!

My God, was I ever wrong about Texas. I am really thinking of moving there after learning how great of a place it is.
But to quote another movie line: Houston We Have a Problem!!

I'm just not sure I'm worthy of living there. Would they want a woman, how did you put it "a slut that’s been passed around like me that has had too much funky, cheesy cock in my throat" living among the classy Texans? By the way, do they have Bukkake porn shoots in Texas (well at least the kind with a woman)? So that is my question to you. I don't want to hurt the reputation of all the great people of Texas so if they don't want me I will understand. There is always Florida!

Hopefully Future San Antonio Slut and Austin Anal Queen

22 Jun 2014

Hey Tex

Im not usually one to post in here.

But Fuck me my life is a mess. The Brits are out the world cup for the 1st time ever, we have never not made it passed this stage before its fucking tragic. Argentina are still in with a chance the cheating bastards and quite frankly its making me have re occurring thoughts about beating Diego Maradona to death with a blunt tea spoon and altho i love a good cup of tea im also not a violent person. But I'm sorry he cheated and back in the day he claimed it was the hand of God which it wasn,t it was his hand the cheating bastard and now i doubt my faith in God. I hate cheats, he is now a fat lonely heroin addict but that doesnt change the score back then and tbh it really makes me doubt that God exists because if he does WTF would he allow that i just dont know anymore dontknow

Yours

Bi Polar Brit

The Duchess of Tart

Please check out my new story, co-written with the amazing Wilful.

https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/long-time-coming.aspx

And my latest poem, The Temptation.

https://www.lushstories.com/stories/erotic-poems/the-temptation.aspx

24 Jun 2014

Quote by TexDrifter
Line's open for the next caller...

Dear Clownface,

I noticed you always have your makeup perfectly applied. I don't seem to be able to achieve quite the same look. I can't find the right shade of red eyeshadow or red lipstick anywhere, and can't get the eyeliner in a straight vertical line. I'm so used to wearing it in a curved horizontal line. Could you please tell me what the names of the eyeshadow and lipstick are, and where you purchase them? I'd also like to know which Plastic Surgeon you went to, to get that cute little button nose in that shade of red. Can I just add that I think you have beautiful teeth. Just saying. I've included a picture so you can see what I'm dealing with. Do you think it's the makeup or do you think it's actually my face that is the problem?

Wantsa moreorganisedface. xxxooo

24 Jun 2014

Quote by TexDrifter
Line's open for the next caller...

Dear Texta.

Here's the deal ok? Here is what I'm dealing with... or trying to deal with. My christian name is Fanny. I wish it wasn't. Over here in Oz, Fanny is another name for a pussy. Twat, slit, whatever you wanna call it, but preferably don't call it a fanny. My mum musta been on lotsa severe pain meds when she picked that name, apparently it was her mothers' name, you woulda THUNK she would have known better than to call me Fanny. I don't think she likes the name herself, because she never calls me that, she's always called me "Kitty", which I prefer anyway. Well, I prefer the name Kitty, not kitty's themselves... just saying.

Wot am I gonna do about this? Please don't' tell me to legally change my name because I think it would insult my mother if I did. I'd rather not have an angry 6'2" woman with a mustache hell bent on smackin me upside the head. Thank yew in advance Texta,

Kitty Wishiwasntatwat

4 Jul 2014

The hotline is off-line. I'm pulling the plug for now. I appologize to those who have posted and have not yet gotten a response. If I resume answering posts, they will be the first ones answered.

Thank you to everyone who participated. I hope y'all had as much fun as I did. Thanks for giving the evil clown a place to come out and play. Unfortunately the forums seem to be a hotbed for drama, personal vendetta, stalking, and sniping lately. I'm not interested in any of that bullshit so I'm gonna go back to hanging out with my friends and occasionally writing stories and poetry.

One final piece of advice: If one of the passive-aggreessive morons around here attacks you, stalks you, harasses you, or somehow finds a way to constantly get under your skin, just ignore 'em. I know that sounds a little weak, but it's really the only effective way to deal with them. There is no "winning" an argument with some twit who is only here for the sake of argument and stirring shit in the first place. They'll never see your logic, your point of view, or respect your opinion because their agenda has nothing to do with truth or finding answers. They only seek to feel a false sense of empowerment in their powerless, meaningless, little lives by flipping shit constantly and then playing the poor, wounded victim when someone has enough and flips it back. Don't waste your time flipping it back. It'll only cause you unnecessary headaches and give them the silly little thrill of producing the emotional response they were looking for. Best course of action? Ghost 'em. Nothing drives a shit stirrer crazier than being ignored.

Anyway, thanks for the laughs. Hope you had a few too, and as always, thanks for playin' along.
XXXOOO
Tex

1 Oct 2014

Quote by TexDrifter
The hotline is off-line. I'm pulling the plug for now. I appologize to those who have posted and have not yet gotten a response. If I resume answering posts, they will be the first ones answered.

Thank you to everyone who participated. I hope y'all had as much fun as I did. Thanks for giving the evil clown a place to come out and play. Unfortunately the forums seem to be a hotbed for drama, personal vendetta, stalking, and sniping lately. I'm not interested in any of that bullshit so I'm gonna go back to hanging out with my friends and occasionally writing stories and poetry.

One final piece of advice: If one of the passive-aggreessive morons around here attacks you, stalks you, harasses you, or somehow finds a way to constantly get under your skin, just ignore 'em. I know that sounds a little weak, but it's really the only effective way to deal with them. There is no "winning" an argument with some twit who is only here for the sake of argument and stirring shit in the first place. They'll never see your logic, your point of view, or respect your opinion because their agenda has nothing to do with truth or finding answers. They only seek to feel a false sense of empowerment in their powerless, meaningless, little lives by flipping shit constantly and then playing the poor, wounded victim when someone has enough and flips it back. Don't waste your time flipping it back. It'll only cause you unnecessary headaches and give them the silly little thrill of producing the emotional response they were looking for. Best course of action? Ghost 'em. Nothing drives a shit stirrer crazier than being ignored.

Anyway, thanks for the laughs. Hope you had a few too, and as always, thanks for playin' along.
XXXOOO
Tex

Oh wow did something happen here? With all due respect rex, the lush members should be following lush site guidlines . Not following your advice .

Because, it's not your place to tell anyone anything . You're just gonna get them in trouble with your advice.