I ate two strings and when they came out of me, they were tied together. Don't believe me? I shit you KNOT! HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
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A guy was desperate for sex and was advised of a great place to go to. He arrived at a very palatial layout with a smooth receptionist and was offered a choice of beautiful partners - he chose a red head and was then given a luxurious meal. After the meal he and his partner went up to a sumptuous bedroom and had sex all night. The next day he went to the reception desk thinking "this will be expensive but worth it." the clerk looked at a list "Ah yes Mr Smith. Here you are 500 pounds and gave him 500 pounds in cash." Not believing his luck he walked home. On the way he met a friend and told him the whole amazing story and advised the friend to go too. The friend did so and sure enough he had the same experience except he chose a blonde. On reaching the reception desk the next day the receptionist said "Ah yes Mr Jones 1000 pound here you are." The guy then said "you owe my friend Mr Smith 500 pounds then!" The receptionist then replied, "Oh no sir he was only on making a blue move you were on television."
Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!
sex is like a joke...it's only good if you get it
A priest checks into a hotel and asks the girl on reception,
"Is the porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No Sir, it's just regular porn!" was her reply.
Kimi X
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your panties!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
sex is like a joke...it's only good if you get it
In the Garden of Eden,
as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
without any clothes.
In this garden,
were two little leaves,
one covered Adam's,
one covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
the wind came along,
and blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
started to rise.
They found a spot,
that suited them best,
a nice big tree,
where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
and filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
and now it is time,
for me and you.
So pull down your pants,
and lay in the grass,
because I'm in the mood,
for a piece of that ASS!
sex is like a joke...it's only good if you get it
An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.
The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."
The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."
The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"
sex is like a joke...it's only good if you get it
It's a toss up between insult based jokes and... The human condition.
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a c.u.n.t.
sex is like a joke...it's only good if you get it
The reason women will never start proposing is because, the moment they get on their knees...
Men will start unzipping..
True Story..
two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking himself
guy #1: "i wish i could do that"
guy #2: "maybe you should pet him first"
I saw my first porno film this evening ... I looked so much younger then.
An old married couple are at the table during breakfast nude as usual. The husband is reading his paper as his wife stares at him and remembers all the amazing sex they've had over the years and gets her heart pumping quicker and quicker. She suddenly tells her husband, " I am so hot for you right now baby!", the husband drops his paper a little looks back at her, sighs, and says, " Well no wonder you're hot, your left tit is in your oatmeal and the right tit is in your coffee."
A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" he snarled.
A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets, mate!"
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I fucking hate double standards! Some bird gets a rampant rabbit and it's seen as 'a bit of naughty fun'. But when I ordered my 240 volt Fistmaster 5000 latex revolving pussy with elasticated anus, imitation shit dribble with breast nipple discharge and semen collection tray with built in realistic cry sound system, I'm known as some kind of sick pervert.
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My mate said, "What's the news today then?"
"Scattered showers."
"I meant the news, not the weather."
"So did I. The Bathroom Fittings warehouse blew up."
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Last night I was talking to a beautiful young lady.
She asked me whether I liked breasts or legs.
I said I liked a nice shaved pussy ...
Apparently I'm not welcome at KFC any more
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Sugar Babe wrote:
"... Then down through the years,
People did screw,
and now it is time,
for me and you.
So pull down your pants,
and lay in the grass,
because I'm in the mood,
for a piece of that ASS!"
As MF has suggested...its part of the human condition.
Rick
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, “Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?”
The other guy says, “Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said, ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’….so she socked me a good one.”
The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, “Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.’
But I accidentally said, ‘You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.
A older lady husbands died and she is sitting at the kitchen table with his ashes
"Harry do you remember the jewelry I always wanted but you would never buy?See my diamond necklace and matching bracelet ?I have it now.
Remember the furs?This my ming and I have a sable upstairs.I have it now.
The vacations we could never afford I leave today for The French Rivera with my 22 year old boyfriend.I have them now.
Harry do you remember the blow job you always wanted ?POOF you have it now
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants ?
one’s a crusty bus station and one’s a busty crustacean
Paddy walks to a bar one night. A nun standing by the door points and says "That is the devil's house, the devil pours drink down your throat and rots your soul!" "Nonsense", says Paddy. "It is", screeches the nun. "Well now", answers Paddy, "And have you ever had a drink sister?" "No" comes the reply, so Paddy says "Well don't talk about something you've never done, why not try it? "Well, maybe I should" she says. "How about I buy you one?" says Paddy "What would you like?" "Sure, and I've heard about gin", she says, "Maybe I'll have one of those", then just as Paddy was about to enter, "But ask them to put it in a cup, so nobody will know". Paddy goes to the bar, "A pint of Guinness and a gin, and will you put the gin in a cup". "Oh Jesus", exclaims the bar tender, "Is that bloody nun out there again!"
The ones that aren't funny. They make me laugh. Weird* lmao.
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around,
the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
An old man is lying on his deathbed with his wife next to him.
"Muriel" he rasps, "Do you remember when I lost all that money on the stock exchange, you were there?"
"Yes Fred", she replies
"And Muriel, do you remember when I crashed the car, you were there?"
"Yes Fred", she replies, tears filling her eyes
"When The house caught fire, you were there too"
"I was Fred"
"When we were evicted from the flat, you were there as well"
"Always Fred"
"And now, I'm dying, and you're here now"
"I'll always be with you Fred"
"You know what Muriel.... You're a fucking Jinx"
What's the difference between a snowman and snow woman?
Snow Balls!
childish, I know, but I love it anyway
She's a saint with the lips of a sinner.
- r.m. drake
A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
The Promise
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
Bad Chicken Day
Q: Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
A: Fry-day!
The Third Wish
A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. Of course, the genie popped out and said, "I will grant you three wishes." The man's first wish was to get out of the pit. **POOF** He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world. **POOF** The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, everything. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes and a catchy song came on. He started to sing along, "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner..." and **POOF**
Woman at the doctors:
Doctor please will you kiss me
Mrs Brown that's out of the question
Oh please doctor just kiss me
Mrs Brown that's against all the rules
I could get struck off
Oh go on doctor please kiss me
Mrs Brown I shouldn't even be fucking you!
