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1ball
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 69
United States
Forum
Active Ink Slinger
Sexy Lush Correspondent (SLC): I see that you favor serial stories. Which of your series is your favorite?
1ball: That would have to be The Price For Being A Bitch. It's in the Novels category and it starts at this link:
The Price For Being A Bitch -- Chapter 1
SLC: What first inspired you to write this particular story?
1ball: Well, all of my stories are a bit autobiographical. This story was inspired by a serious and almost tragic miscommunication in my marriage. I don't want to go into detail about that and I don't usually talk about how much is real in my stories, but I will admit that the extra-marital sex in this series is fantasy. The marital sex... ;)
SLC: How did you come up with these characters?
1ball: The two main characters had to be based on my beloved wife and myself. The other characters are archetypes from my personal fantasy land.
SLC: How does it differ from some of your other stories?
1ball: The subject matter is the darkest and edgiest that I've tried to tackle. Marital strife is a minefield and those of us who've been through it a time or two inevitably have some scars. I explore my scars in my writing.
SLC: What was the most challenging thing about writing this piece?
1ball: It's always challenging for me to write from the point of view of a woman. I'm always afraid that I'll seriously fuck it up... oops can I say that here? How about screw it up? I want to make sure that I don't accidentally offend an entire gender that I feel I can only barely begin to understand. I also don't want to produce an impossible or unrealistic point of view. In this series, I had to dance around what it might be like for a woman to help her nice guy be more of a bad boy in the bedroom when he has a deeply held moral aversion to both emotional and physical violence against women.
SLC: Anything else you want to tell us about it?
1ball: I loved the challenge of writing this series and I think I succeeded in writing something that evokes strong responses. In general, I'm not much interested in writing stores that are liked. I want my stories to be loved or hated and I think I achieved that.
SLC: Good luck with the votes and views and thanks for your time, XO.
1ball: You're welcome and thanks for this opportunity. It was a pleasure to meet you.
1ball: That would have to be The Price For Being A Bitch. It's in the Novels category and it starts at this link:
The Price For Being A Bitch -- Chapter 1
SLC: What first inspired you to write this particular story?
1ball: Well, all of my stories are a bit autobiographical. This story was inspired by a serious and almost tragic miscommunication in my marriage. I don't want to go into detail about that and I don't usually talk about how much is real in my stories, but I will admit that the extra-marital sex in this series is fantasy. The marital sex... ;)
SLC: How did you come up with these characters?
1ball: The two main characters had to be based on my beloved wife and myself. The other characters are archetypes from my personal fantasy land.
SLC: How does it differ from some of your other stories?
1ball: The subject matter is the darkest and edgiest that I've tried to tackle. Marital strife is a minefield and those of us who've been through it a time or two inevitably have some scars. I explore my scars in my writing.
SLC: What was the most challenging thing about writing this piece?
1ball: It's always challenging for me to write from the point of view of a woman. I'm always afraid that I'll seriously fuck it up... oops can I say that here? How about screw it up? I want to make sure that I don't accidentally offend an entire gender that I feel I can only barely begin to understand. I also don't want to produce an impossible or unrealistic point of view. In this series, I had to dance around what it might be like for a woman to help her nice guy be more of a bad boy in the bedroom when he has a deeply held moral aversion to both emotional and physical violence against women.
SLC: Anything else you want to tell us about it?
1ball: I loved the challenge of writing this series and I think I succeeded in writing something that evokes strong responses. In general, I'm not much interested in writing stores that are liked. I want my stories to be loved or hated and I think I achieved that.
SLC: Good luck with the votes and views and thanks for your time, XO.
1ball: You're welcome and thanks for this opportunity. It was a pleasure to meet you.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by clum
Fair enough; I'm not the grammar police and I'm not going to go through all your stories removing what I believe are misplaced commas. This is what I believe works best, particularly for novice writers and especially for the words 'and' and 'but'.
I can easily agree that it can work best for 'and'. I'm way less likely to stumble while reading if the comma before an 'and' is missing (in the case of independent clauses).
We went to the store and I saw a pretty girl working there.
I do stumble while reading if the comma before a 'but' is missing, especially if the sentence is longer. I think of it as the "verb, but verb" rule.
I went to the store to see the pretty girl who works there, but she wasn't working that day.
Maybe it's just me, but it's like hitting a bump in the road when it's missing.
Active Ink Slinger
That is an awesome question. I think as long as there was a real vagina, not a surgical artifact, the presence of a cock wouldn't bother me and it would get its share of the action. It's just an overgrown clit. I don't know that from experience, I just think I'm that flexible. It might depend on how masculine the person looked or acted.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by clum
Before Conjunctions
Commas should not, in general, be used before a conjunction (I'm thinking of 'and' and 'but' in particular). There are certainly exceptions to this rule but they are few and far between. If in doubt, don't use a comma.
Example
She came over to the house and watched the film with me but it took me a full hour to build up the courage to jump her bones.
Notice how I didn't use any commas, even though it is tempting to place one before 'but' (and sometimes I swither myself). It's just something to be wary of.
I've got to disagree with this one. Rule #2 from http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm
Use a comma + a little conjunction (and, but, for, nor, yet, or, so) to connect two independent clauses, as in "He hit the ball well, but he ran toward third base."
I sometimes fail to put them in, especially before 'and', and I notice, after I submit the story, that it needed one. As we are from countries that sometimes seem to be separated by a common language, this might be a national preference, but it doesn't seem so.
Active Ink Slinger
You should ask this on the Ask the Guys forum too. I'm a guy and I say that if you're not married yet, you still have time to decide it's a deal breaker. Are you willing to break up over this issue?
As a guy, I would have to admit that there are some experiences that I just couldn't provide to a woman and if she really wants them, I see no problem with letting her have them. Of course, I haven't actually been faced with this, so that's a guess. I just don't think I would consider it to be cheating. Of course, she would have to remain committed to us.
As a guy, I would have to admit that there are some experiences that I just couldn't provide to a woman and if she really wants them, I see no problem with letting her have them. Of course, I haven't actually been faced with this, so that's a guess. I just don't think I would consider it to be cheating. Of course, she would have to remain committed to us.
Active Ink Slinger
If you really love him and plan on going through with the marriage, you really want to find a way to get your head back into the game. I recommend initiating sex with him often, even when you aren't in the mood. His body has a natural frequency for orgasm for optimum performance. If he's in his twenties, this might be once per day. By the time he's fifty, it might drop to once every three days. If his body starts to operate at his optimum frequency, his orgasms will slow to maximize his enjoyment rather than rushing to maximize his reproductiveness. There's nothing his mind can do to change this, so if he won't masturbate at that frequency (which might not help you get over your low libido anyway), you might have to get him there somehow and if you're not horny, you can still get him off. That's half the battle.
When you start the frequent initiating, tell him that you aren't horny but that you want to be. Tell him what he can do to get you closer before penetration. Don't make it ridiculous like swinging naked from the chandelier. If you're going to stay with him, you have to make him not 100% responsible for turning you on. Watch videos, read stories, etc... Maybe do some of that together, but understand that there is nothing he can do to fix your dysfunction without your cooperation. Your brain is a sex organ that is 90% self-stimulating. It needs to pull it's weight. Take ownership of all of your share of the problem. Counseling might be required. If so, go alone at first to try to fix your low libido first. The good news is that your libido should increase until you reach 35-40.
Eventually, he will initiate more often and you will read each other's cues better. Hope this helps.
When you start the frequent initiating, tell him that you aren't horny but that you want to be. Tell him what he can do to get you closer before penetration. Don't make it ridiculous like swinging naked from the chandelier. If you're going to stay with him, you have to make him not 100% responsible for turning you on. Watch videos, read stories, etc... Maybe do some of that together, but understand that there is nothing he can do to fix your dysfunction without your cooperation. Your brain is a sex organ that is 90% self-stimulating. It needs to pull it's weight. Take ownership of all of your share of the problem. Counseling might be required. If so, go alone at first to try to fix your low libido first. The good news is that your libido should increase until you reach 35-40.
Eventually, he will initiate more often and you will read each other's cues better. Hope this helps.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by TheDevilsWeakness
I'm guessing that this probably wasn't what you had in mind, but I couldn't resist
You could always get out the erector set and build a gleaming tower of girders and beams. Then you could pretend G.I. Joe was King Kong and he could drag Barbie to the top and swat at model airplanes. There's nothing like unrequited love to spice up the toying.
Active Ink Slinger
Dating a woman who is geographically undesirable is tough, but if it doesn't work out, it's a very good reason to end it when the time comes. If it's great, one of you will find a way to close the distance and your relationship will be stronger from having endured the strain.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Shylass
The whole "wine and dine" thingy just makes me uncomfortable and want to run away. It makes me think of having to get dressed up and look stunning (not something I can do), the bloke having to put himself out for me and keep me happy. I'd rather we just got a bag of fish and chips each, and wandered along the beach, with both of us as relaxed and comfy as possible.
And a full-on snog in the sand dunes after would be proper yummy too.I'm not really sure about the "ravishing" bit.
Finally! It's good to see a woman choose option 3. If I was on the dating scene again, I wouldn't date a woman who wanted option 1 or 2 on the first date. I prefer to get to know how a woman's mind works and what I'm looking to discover won't be revealed in a fine restaurant or a bed. I would be more likely to learn why we were incompatible than compatible. Those places are for later. Some takeout and a beer or two at a place of natural beauty in a casual setting is way more conducive to conversation. Being treated like a dressage horse who has to know and execute all the proper steps only tells me that I don't want there to be a later with that woman.
Active Ink Slinger
I've never met a woman taller than 6' and in 5" heels, she would still be shorter than me. I don't think a woman taller than me would bother me. Meeting exceptionally tall women (> 6' in heels) has sometimes been quite arousing. I'm not attracted to women shorter than 5', but I can't say it would be a deal breaker.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by solitaress
So i was wondering how do you let a girl know you like them when you see them somewhere ?
I'm an old married guy, so this is from memory of decades ago. I would watch her and see if the eye contact came back. I would try to be smiling and would then look away from her and then look back again later. That could go on for a while before i would introduce myself.
And also how would you expect or like a girl to respond /react to you to let you know its alright to approach them?
If she initially looked away and wished to show tentative interest, she should barely smile and coyly look back and then away and then aback again and then away...
Active Ink Slinger
Because of the other thread on height, which is basically about short men and because I have written a novel about a man who is "too tall", I thought I should ask what too tall is for you. Please answer in both the man's height and the difference over your height. Thanks.
Active Ink Slinger
Would you be able to be patient with her?
I can only guess what I would be like if I were single now, but I can tell you that patience doesn't last forever. If someone is getting nothing (s)he wants from spending time with another someone, why would (s)he spend time with them? If the potential reward is low and the potential risk is high, it only looks like a good deal to a fool. Now that I have taken human relationships down to the basest level, I can think about what it would take to keep me interested in pursuing someone who has low self esteem and a low level of physical attractiveness (to me). It would have to be far more than the prospect that they might eventually become sufficiently appealing. There would have to be both signals of progress at overcoming the low self esteem and sufficient incentives/rewards for spending time with them. Spending time with people who have high demands and satisfying their demands while getting nothing in return is simply being used. Now, if she is generally enjoyable to be around but has down days, that's acceptable. So let's get to your other specific questions.
Would you be prepared to put up with low self-esteem and fear of being hurt if you really liked her, and she showed she was able to grow into the relationship?
As long as she remained generally likable, I think she would remain at least a friend. Getting out of the friend zone and into the lover zone would depend on how well she showed she was able to grow into the relationship. Prior to making a lifelong commitment, someone who offered me more could snatch me away from someone who offered me less. I'm not talking about more beauty or more sex or more money or anything specific, just more fulfillment for the time invested. So in some sense, the competition is in control, but this may not mean a competing person. If my own life isn't going so well outside my love life, I may head for greener pastures.
Or do you just not go there at all?
I think I would go where my best options invite me.
How do you decide when she's worth it?
When she becomes part of the package of the best deal offered. Trust me on this. I've met some beautiful women who are walking train wrecks and I would not choose them over someone who isn't. Beauty and confidence doesn't guaranty compatibility. It may seem like I'm saying a woman should set herself up for being used by a guy who's willing to spend time with her if she puts out enough whatever. That guy has competition same as that woman does. Life isn't fair. We use each other and we try to get the best deal we can. We just measure the value of that deal based on some high ideals that favor mutually fulfilling romantic relationships.
Also, have you ever told a lass things about herself and/or appearance that were hurtful, and if so, why, and do you regret it or stand by it?
Not until I was involved with them and only to the extent required by a need for honest communication. In other words, if solving an incompatibility problem required telling a hurtful truth, then the intent of solving the problem provides the incentive for honesty. Being deliberately cruel or dishonest is not my nature, but hurting sometimes precedes healing.
Active Ink Slinger
After many years of being made to feel that whatever I got my wife was just not good enough, I stopped giving. She felt very hurt and when she expressed how hurt she was, I told her that this would be the new benchmark for what is or isn't good enough, that I was tired of getting it wrong no matter how hard I tried and that there is no requirement that each gift be better than the last one. Everything I've gotten her since then was appreciated. I guess I'm saying that being not easy to please can be a cause for not trying.
Active Ink Slinger
Confidence is a very broad category and although it was many years ago, I found that women don't mind shy/reserved but can mistake it for aloof/arrogant. You want to project the truth about yourself without going overboard. The easiest way to do this is to be open to getting to know them but plan not to ask them out until they indicate an interest in getting to know you. By planning not to ask them out, you hold back enough to give you the confidence to converse. If a woman is interested in getting to know you, she will find a way to express it. Expressing their interests is something most women have little difficulty doing. Fair warning, once they start, it can be difficult to get them to stop.
The particular confidence that is attractive to a particular woman is something she will understand but might never reveal. Understand that women have an image of the ideal man and the more you try to be that image the more spectacular your failure will be. That's because, as soon as a guy gets close to the image by trying to, she feels compelled to change it. Don't ask me why, it's just an observation. So don't try to be her ideal man. Just try to be yourself and enjoy life without her. That will make you as interesting as you will ever be to her and if it's interesting enough, she will find a way to express interest in getting to know you better. It doesn't hurt to show curiosity about her. If she is interested in getting to know you, she will want to know that you are interested in getting to know her. Just don't ask her out until she has shown she would be open to it.
This doesn't work with all women. Nothing works will all women. But the women this doesn't work with are the women who will be communicatively incompatible with you. As a shy guy, you need signals to read and those who don't give signals or only give the wrong signals just aren't right for you.
The particular confidence that is attractive to a particular woman is something she will understand but might never reveal. Understand that women have an image of the ideal man and the more you try to be that image the more spectacular your failure will be. That's because, as soon as a guy gets close to the image by trying to, she feels compelled to change it. Don't ask me why, it's just an observation. So don't try to be her ideal man. Just try to be yourself and enjoy life without her. That will make you as interesting as you will ever be to her and if it's interesting enough, she will find a way to express interest in getting to know you better. It doesn't hurt to show curiosity about her. If she is interested in getting to know you, she will want to know that you are interested in getting to know her. Just don't ask her out until she has shown she would be open to it.
This doesn't work with all women. Nothing works will all women. But the women this doesn't work with are the women who will be communicatively incompatible with you. As a shy guy, you need signals to read and those who don't give signals or only give the wrong signals just aren't right for you.
Active Ink Slinger
I'm really not one for poetry, but since this is intended to help noobs, I rewrote an old song. Killing Me Softly. With apologies to Roberta Flack
Telling My Secrets
I read he spun a good yarn
I read he had a style
And so I clicked the title
To indulge for a while
And there he was, this author
He really made me smile
Pumping my heart with his fingers
Pouring my soul with his prose
Telling my secrets with his words
Telling my secrets with his words
Loving me hotly -- with his tale
I felt all flushed with longing
Exposed and not so proud
I thought he found my diary
And read each page out loud
I knew he knew my essence
He'd been in my profile
Pumping my heart with his fingers
Pouring my soul with his prose
Telling my secrets with his words
Telling my secrets with his words
Loving me gently -- with his tale
He wrote as if he knew me
In all my deepest ways
And then he looked right through me
As if I was his slave
And he just kept on telling
My needs to all the world
Pumping my heart with his fingers
Pouring my soul with his prose
Telling my secrets with his words
Telling my secrets with his words
Loving me deeply -- with his tale
Telling My Secrets
I read he spun a good yarn
I read he had a style
And so I clicked the title
To indulge for a while
And there he was, this author
He really made me smile
Pumping my heart with his fingers
Pouring my soul with his prose
Telling my secrets with his words
Telling my secrets with his words
Loving me hotly -- with his tale
I felt all flushed with longing
Exposed and not so proud
I thought he found my diary
And read each page out loud
I knew he knew my essence
He'd been in my profile
Pumping my heart with his fingers
Pouring my soul with his prose
Telling my secrets with his words
Telling my secrets with his words
Loving me gently -- with his tale
He wrote as if he knew me
In all my deepest ways
And then he looked right through me
As if I was his slave
And he just kept on telling
My needs to all the world
Pumping my heart with his fingers
Pouring my soul with his prose
Telling my secrets with his words
Telling my secrets with his words
Loving me deeply -- with his tale
Active Ink Slinger
The only "last longer" interval that is difficult to control is the interval between insertion and when the woman comes from penetration. You could be giving her all kinds of foreplay including several orgasms, but if you get a cue that it's time for penetration, that's when you have to be hard but not too close to orgasm. Penetration starts a clock running depending on how close she really is to orgasm, you might have to postpone yours in a way that doesn't delay hers, so tricks like slowing down or changing positions might be self defeating. You also have to not lose your erection due to insufficient stimulation or physical exhaustion before she comes.
If she misjudges when to give you that cue, she'll still be disappointed and possibly irrationally resentful if you come before her. If she's on top or otherwise controlling the amount of stimulation you get, your options are limited, but she still might not take responsibility for the results, because you're supposed to perform perfectly no matter how little control you have. Any failure is your fault because that's what it means to be a man. Just ask her. If she's honest she'll confirm this, because that is the 'knight in shining armor' ideal that she wants to be able to hold you to.
You can find ways to ignore the stimulation you're getting. Those are the mental tricks. You risk loss of erection.
You can find ways to decrease the stimulation you're getting. Pull out and play is an example of that, but then putting it back in can be distracting to her because it upsets the rhythm that was working to get her there.
If you can find a position that allows you to give her enough stimulation, even including manual stimulation when necessary, while allowing you to pace yours, then you can remain inserted and focused mainly on her with just enough focus on you to stay hard until she comes or until you both come together.
If she's a real stickler for simultaneous orgasms, you have to keep yourself X strokes away from orgasm and then learn to tell when she's X strokes away from orgasm. Then you can drive for the prize and you can be wrong by one or two strokes and still satisfy.
If she misjudges when to give you that cue, she'll still be disappointed and possibly irrationally resentful if you come before her. If she's on top or otherwise controlling the amount of stimulation you get, your options are limited, but she still might not take responsibility for the results, because you're supposed to perform perfectly no matter how little control you have. Any failure is your fault because that's what it means to be a man. Just ask her. If she's honest she'll confirm this, because that is the 'knight in shining armor' ideal that she wants to be able to hold you to.
You can find ways to ignore the stimulation you're getting. Those are the mental tricks. You risk loss of erection.
You can find ways to decrease the stimulation you're getting. Pull out and play is an example of that, but then putting it back in can be distracting to her because it upsets the rhythm that was working to get her there.
If you can find a position that allows you to give her enough stimulation, even including manual stimulation when necessary, while allowing you to pace yours, then you can remain inserted and focused mainly on her with just enough focus on you to stay hard until she comes or until you both come together.
If she's a real stickler for simultaneous orgasms, you have to keep yourself X strokes away from orgasm and then learn to tell when she's X strokes away from orgasm. Then you can drive for the prize and you can be wrong by one or two strokes and still satisfy.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Sprichler
Of course not. But that's the beauty of this double standard. Acting like a reasonable adult is impossible for most of the humarace cause we are selfish.
The fact that she has described her partner in this tryst as a beast rather than a man pretty much shows she's gonna do it fuck the consequence.
I think adults can be selfish in an adult manner. That means recognizing that our self interest lies in keeping promises and eschewing double standards so that we can require others to. That's pretty much what marriage is. She wants to have the advantages of marriage without the disadvantages, same as everyone else. But part of being adult is paying the consequences when caught employing a double standard or breaking a promise. It is not adult behavior to expect to be treated like an adult when acting like a spoiled child.