Quote by alacran75
I also cringe when I hear someone say "trust me." Especially if he works for the government.
Lol...the check is in the mail...trust me...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Lol...the check is in the mail...trust me...
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DirtyMartini
Over 90 days ago
Male, 64
United States
Forum
Lol...the check is in the mail...trust me...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by heartoftheweb
Scars are interesting, and you can tell me all about them as I kiss and lick them
Damn...I think I need to go out and get more scars...just saying...
And I wouldn't worry about it dude...I'd say with most girls I've known over the years, you tell them that story you'll just get a lot of sympathy...it's all good...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Good Evening Lushkins...I see Sharon dressed up in her Sunday best...my oh my, I really have to get to church more come to think of it...
What's the drink special tonight? I hope it's not that Sams Club banana flavored schnapps...last time I did a shot of that I had a headache for a week...
Ahhh...I guess whatever falls off the truck...
Cheers,
Alan.
What's the drink special tonight? I hope it's not that Sams Club banana flavored schnapps...last time I did a shot of that I had a headache for a week...
Ahhh...I guess whatever falls off the truck...
Cheers,
Alan.
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Actually, this one was Lisa's idea...so blame her...
She's my boss now over on Stories Space...so, I have to listen to her...
Badges
I sit in a chat room by myself,
Only nineteen more days to go,
One day I’ll be a legend,
With another badge to show.
Next I’ll try to add some friends,
I only need ninety-eight more,
I might have to do some recruiting,
Perhaps go door to door.
I’d really like my story to be famous,
But I’m more than a few views shy,
Maybe if I click on it every day,
It will be famous before I die.
I should have my Enthusiasts badge,
I thought I’d have it today,
No one here is more enthusiastic,
Don’t tell me I missed a day.
I really am due an Editor Pick,
Must just be an oversight,
Let me check my page again,
Don’t tell me I can’t write.
And where’s that Autobiographer badge?
Everything’s filled out fine,
I just need that damn Playlist,
If I can only find the time.
And perhaps I could comment more,
And vote more it’s agreed,
Don’t see any problem there,
I just need time to read.
At least I’ll get my Yearling badge,
Of that I have no fear,
All I have to do is hang out,
And I’ll have it in a year.
08-21-11.
She's my boss now over on Stories Space...so, I have to listen to her...
Badges
I sit in a chat room by myself,
Only nineteen more days to go,
One day I’ll be a legend,
With another badge to show.
Next I’ll try to add some friends,
I only need ninety-eight more,
I might have to do some recruiting,
Perhaps go door to door.
I’d really like my story to be famous,
But I’m more than a few views shy,
Maybe if I click on it every day,
It will be famous before I die.
I should have my Enthusiasts badge,
I thought I’d have it today,
No one here is more enthusiastic,
Don’t tell me I missed a day.
I really am due an Editor Pick,
Must just be an oversight,
Let me check my page again,
Don’t tell me I can’t write.
And where’s that Autobiographer badge?
Everything’s filled out fine,
I just need that damn Playlist,
If I can only find the time.
And perhaps I could comment more,
And vote more it’s agreed,
Don’t see any problem there,
I just need time to read.
At least I’ll get my Yearling badge,
Of that I have no fear,
All I have to do is hang out,
And I’ll have it in a year.
08-21-11.
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Magic Penis
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip,
so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her
occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his
situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't
know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for
so many weeks, except.... the Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and
pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a
dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic
Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted
over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook
wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began
to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic
Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and
returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife
remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box
and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis
shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After
three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out,
but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her
how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car
and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm
made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and
immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't
had anything to drink officer You see, I've got
this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't
stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and
replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history...
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip,
so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her
occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his
situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't
know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for
so many weeks, except.... the Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and
pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a
dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic
Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted
over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook
wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began
to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic
Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and
returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife
remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box
and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis
shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After
three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out,
but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her
how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car
and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm
made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and
immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't
had anything to drink officer You see, I've got
this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't
stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and
replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
I just read an interesting quote about story writing that I think sort of relates to this discussion about hooking the reader in...
"Not sure how to begin? Try NOT at the beginning."
In other words...get right to the chase, jump right in with the action...I'm not sure it's always the best advice, but I liked the quote and wanted to post it somewhere...I thought here seemed like a nice enough place...
"Not sure how to begin? Try NOT at the beginning."
In other words...get right to the chase, jump right in with the action...I'm not sure it's always the best advice, but I liked the quote and wanted to post it somewhere...I thought here seemed like a nice enough place...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Good Morning Lushketeers...hmmm, I guess I should become a human guinea pig here and try some of this finely brewed concoction masquerading as coffee this morning...
And I like Al's suggestion about pouring some Irish whiskey into it...in fact, feel free to empty the bottle into my cup...
I agree with you Mr. Rumple, Sams Club Ouzo is at least a step above that Sams Club Sloe Gin you had last week...btw, did you ever sell that stuff? Or did you find another use for it, like stripping old varnish off hard wood floors? No matter...
Pass the coffee...and the whiskey, btw...
Cheers,
Alan.
And I like Al's suggestion about pouring some Irish whiskey into it...in fact, feel free to empty the bottle into my cup...
I agree with you Mr. Rumple, Sams Club Ouzo is at least a step above that Sams Club Sloe Gin you had last week...btw, did you ever sell that stuff? Or did you find another use for it, like stripping old varnish off hard wood floors? No matter...
Pass the coffee...and the whiskey, btw...
Cheers,
Alan.
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Hey Jeff...am I the only one who thinks of Wes anytime anyone even mentions George Benson?
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by nicola
DM, you might want to post a link to elsewhere or tell gotpoetry they've got fail:
I see what the problem is...you have to be logged in to view it, didn't realize...
Since the only other places I have it posted that I can think of might possibly be considered "competing sites"...not that any site could compete with Lush...let's try this...
I Woke Up With A Fat Chick
I woke up and couldn't believe my eyes,
When I caught sight of those monster thighs,
Was that a cow that was sucking my dick?
No, I woke up with a very fat chick.
The sight of her got me thinking,
I really should give up drinking,
As if I needed a reason why,
I should also stop getting high.
Looking at this gruesome sight,
I tried to recall what I did last night,
How did I possibly wind up with her?
But my mind was simply in a blur.
Could I have picked her up in a bar?
How did she possibly fit in my car?
I was no longer in the mood,
As I thought of ways to protect my food.
I thought about the weight limit of my bed,
If she rolls over, I'll be dead,
I tried to think of a good excuse,
For me to turn this cow loose.
Not trying to sound really mean,
But she was the biggest I have seen,
If she had an appetite,
No telling what she would bite.
A girl so big she had her own zip code,
Now here she was in my abode,
No way could I have fun,
With a girl who outweighed me three to one.
Just a warning from me to you,
Be careful what you go and do,
Because if you think you're seeing double,
You just might be in really big trouble.
04-14-10.
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Good Evening Lushkins...nice to see this crowd...I know, it must be rough where I live...
I see Mr. Rumple has something to celebrate...the big 1k post...
I believe the tradition here is that one the occasion of the one thousandth post, the proper and correctomundo thing to do here is to buy all your friends in the bar a drink...
Isn't that correct Chef? You've been around a while, I know you remember...
Let's see...hmmm, what's top shelf today? Not that bottle of Sams Club Ouzo I hope...
Hmmm...I guess if we chase it with some homemade corn whiskey it won't be that bad...
Line 'em up Sir...
Cheers,
Alan.
I see Mr. Rumple has something to celebrate...the big 1k post...
I believe the tradition here is that one the occasion of the one thousandth post, the proper and correctomundo thing to do here is to buy all your friends in the bar a drink...
Isn't that correct Chef? You've been around a while, I know you remember...
Let's see...hmmm, what's top shelf today? Not that bottle of Sams Club Ouzo I hope...
Hmmm...I guess if we chase it with some homemade corn whiskey it won't be that bad...
Line 'em up Sir...
Cheers,
Alan.
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
She mentions me in the list of friends she made on Lush...
Uh oh...not sure if that's good or bad...
Uh oh...not sure if that's good or bad...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Yeah, I could probably post this one in some of the recent "Think Tank" threads actually...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by Magical_felix
Looks like if Jeff and Geraldo Rivera had a baby.
Oh damn...you had to say that? Now how many drinks is it going to take to get that image out of my mind...bad enough I saw that picture Chef posted...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by Magical_felix
A miner's helmet... Or more like a hazzardess materials get up with full on respirators 'n' shit.
Yeah, he probably needs special Hazmat clearance to go down on her...
Quote by Magical_felix
Your poetry plug was crowbarred in and shameless by the way.ZVKJJRqyPbL6JIp3
And thanks Magical...I'll take that as a compliment...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by Magical_felix
The man in her life could also set the record for most grossed out.
Yeah, I don't even want to think about the man in her life and what he might have to go through, or what he has seen...
I wonder if he wears one of those hats miners wear with the search light on the helmet when he goes down on her...or if he has a lifeline attached to his ankle so they can pull him back out if he gets stuck under a fold of fat...
I just don't know...btw, this article reminds me of a poem I had written last year...done as a humor piece...I never brought it over to Lush, because it set a record for number of comments on one site...134 btw, and really didn't need to go through that again...
But...here is the link to it on a poetry site...sense of humor people...it's what makes the world go 'round...remember that...
I Woke Up With A Fat Chick...
http://www.gotpoetry.com/Poems/l_op=viewpoems/lid=84346.html
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Wasn't sure where to post this one...but, thought I should share it somewhere in the forum...probably doesn't really fall into the "Health and Fitness" category...
“I’d love to find out if it’s humanly possible to reach a ton,” she said. “A previous record holder was 1,600lbs, so I have to be at least that.”
Oh yeah...can't make this stuff up...
http://frugivoremag.com/2011/08/a-record-worth-breaking-arizona-woman-seeks-to-become-heaviest-person-ever/
“I’d love to find out if it’s humanly possible to reach a ton,” she said. “A previous record holder was 1,600lbs, so I have to be at least that.”
Oh yeah...can't make this stuff up...
http://frugivoremag.com/2011/08/a-record-worth-breaking-arizona-woman-seeks-to-become-heaviest-person-ever/
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Note the fact that this was "Not tested on camels"...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by chefkathleen
That's frightening.
I bet if we made that guy the new default avatar, people would change it real quick...
I wonder if he has a sister?
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by clum
I think we're on the verge of a new story category: Underpants Gnome Sex. Think of the ratings if you made said gnomes incestuous!
You know, I can think of quite a few new story categories without really trying...that might be a good idea for a new thread of a humorous nature...suggest new categories on Lush...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by Jingle
That. How do people fix that?
I would start by not using the same word to begin each sentence...that would make a huge difference right there...
"She walked into the room, found the couch and sat on it. Taking out her deck of cards, she began to do magic tricks. She liked how the cards were flat. Suddenly she was transported into another dimension by underpants gnomes who had been hiding beneath her skirt the whole time."
You know Jingle...I'd really like to see you finish that story...we haven't had a good underpants gnome story here on Lush in quite some time...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by nicola
Would anyone here like some advice about a particular writing related topic?
Lol...something tells me that's what G-W had in mind when she posed the question...not cookie recipes...
Trying to think of something Morgan hasn't already covered, and I think Mr. Rumpskin's suggestion about good opening hooks might be a worthwhile idea...
Though I have to say that "I grabbed my meat pole and started stroking the moment my sister entered the room" works fine for most of the stories on Lush...
Just saying...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by clum
Do any of you non-Britons use the word 'whilst', or is it just us?
I would have to say "no" to this one...your comment about it being somewhat archaic I think is accurate...
I might consider using it in my next lesbian pirate story though...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by WellMadeMale
The only act I can think which involves both a cassette tape & a pencil - is shorthand dictation.
I've never seen it performed, only depicted in some 1950's and 60's movies.
Actually, shorthand dictation does not require a cassette normally...only if the boss dictated into one of those fancy Dictaphone machines, which came later...otherwise it's just shorthand on a stenographer's pad...
My mother was a secretary for a lot of years...I know all about carbon paper and stuff, long before the Xerox machine came out in 1960...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by CuriousButterfly
wow martini - did you trade in your Exacta for that phone?
Ha Ha...trying to re-size that darn pic and not having luck at the moment...
You can tell I didn't grow up with computers...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by easy_rider75
HOLY SHIT friend had one just like that think I was like 15 maybe a few years younger when I first saw one lol
Yeah Jim...those puppies were expensive too...
On the subject of phones, here's something I bet you don't remember...phone answering machines where you stuck the phone in it and a mechanical arm lifted the receiver when a call came in...
You supplied your own reel-to-reel tape recorder...my father briefly got involved with a guy who was selling these, um, don't want to say how many years ago...but, I'd say more than forty...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by Olivia
I'm not sure if your girlfriend meant the comment more in jest or if maybe the idea of being the first girl you really came inside made her feel special.
It's because there is no actual physical contact because of the condom that in some people's minds it is not really sex...
I've heard this all before...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by TracyAmes
Stephenie Meyer writes like a blind epileptic chimp. Grrr!!
Come on now, don't insult epileptic chimps...that's really not nice...
I guess you can look at it a couple of ways...some would say it's unfair that she gets all that money, fame, etc...
I try to look at the bright side, in that there's hope for just about anyone here to get a publishing deal someday...you know what I mean?
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by CuriousButterfly
I don't understand it either...maybe these guys can explain
Oh yeah C-B...those guys can explain a few things, I'm sure...
You inviting your friends over to Lush again?
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by RumpleForeskin
classic -- James
Who...Rick James? Yeah, maybe he is a bit overrated...what's the matter, you don't like "Super Freak?"...