I'm working on one about a busload of nymphomaniac cheerleaders going on a field trip to Congress. When their GPS goes kaput, they navigate via the magnetic nipple piercings of the head cheerleader, whose constantly moving boobs keep them oriented on where true north lies. Warmth will be felt by all as true, lifelong friendships are forged when sympathetic nipple erections make pokies in their sports bras. The hallowed halls of the US Congress become a veritable treasure trove of boob wanks and blowjobs, engendering a whole new era of gentility and kindness in American politics. As the squad leave drooling, dazed politicians strewn across the Congress floor in their wake, Bunny (that's the head cheerleader with the magnetic nipple rivets) proclaims, "Our work is done here, girls. Today DC, tomorrow Beijing!" "Ewwwww," the ladies of the squad protest. "Don't those guys have little dicks over there?" "You're right!" chirps Bunny. "Fuck it. Let's go to Vegas!"
It's going to be a work of groundbreaking insight and sensitivity.
"writing IS NOT like DANCING... (You can dance BADLY and it still feels good...)"
Perfectly stated.
And yeah, Flann O'Brien was brilliant, but you can't compare him with Joyce because Joyce wasn't really a writer. He composed symphonies.
Happy birthday sprite! Here's hoping this is the best birthday anyone could have. :-)
Hi becky. I took a cursory look at your story, and would like to tell you to quit worrying so much. Your prose is really not so bad as you think. You have a tendency to write run-on sentences, but that's far from being the biggest problem you, or any other writer on Lush, could have. Your prose is generally clear and easily readable, which puts you well ahead of the game already. Just keep writing and telling your stories. You're doing great so far. Your story looked completely filthy and obscene, and I mean that as a sincere compliment. Just have fun. Please. It's the only thing that matters.
Another source is Dragon Guild Publishing, who offer premade covers done by Reed Lane (she did the cover to Profane Grace), and I believe it's a flat fee of $25. Only the title and author's name need to be added.
One writer/editor I know had a title pulled from Amazon just because it had the word virgin in the title. It was posted back up, but only after the publisher wrote to protest their ignorance. They have no problem collecting their cut from the sales of many thousands of titles of erotica, and then randomly fuck with small, independent authors and publishers because it makes them look like they're "paying attention" to morality...or something like that. They're full of shit. Do you think they'd ever dream of pulling a huge seller like 50 Shades of Illiteracy? Smashwords is much more user friendly, and last I knew, they would assign your title an ISBN number for free. On Amazon this can be costly.
Still, as one who's already made this mistake, it's not worth publishing anything that's already been available for free. Your audience has already been there and done that. Keep writing and posting stories right here where you can build a good, loyal readership. Give them stories they can read for free because they good folks (if not totally nuts) but publish something they can't get here for free...and don't be quiet about it when you do.
Be skeptical. This is what used to be called a vanity press. They will charge you a fee for editing, packaging and marketing your book. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but many of these places that offer this kind of "service" yet call themselves a publisher basically only charge a fee to put everything together and then leave the writer in the lurch without doing much on the marketing end. I don't know this company, so I don't know if they're reputable or not. However, in your shoes, I would proceed very carefully at most, and really would be inclined to stay away from them. If you're working on something you want to try to publish commercially, there are two good ways to go. You can publish independently and use freelance editors, beta readers and cover artists, then you can register an author's page on Amazon and upload your book for sale. You probably already know about sites like Smashwords, etc. There are reputable freelancers and even one company I know of who offer all of these services, including formatting and uploading, who are reputable and reliable.
The other way to go is to keep working on your story or novel until you feel like it's ready, then start submitting it to commercial publishers. Ebook publishers are generally the best bet for getting your work out there. A decent publisher will have their own marketing department and get you more exposure than you will on your own, although any publisher expects their writers to promote themselves as well. I happen to suck at this, which is one of many reasons I'm a publisher's worst nightmare. Whether you go indie or with a publisher, the more promotion you do on your own the more likely you are to sell a few books. There are some very successful indie writers out there, but they are tireless self-promoters.
I won't presume to know how you got on this company's radar, but it sounds like they're targeting unpublished writers to hustle. I'm sorry to sound disparaging, but it pays to be careful. I don't know you and I don't know your writing (though I will try to remedy that soon), but when a company that seems more intent on selling itself to an unknown, unpublished author it pays to be suspicious. If you're serious about writing and publishing then please feel free to send me a PM if you think a recommendation or two might help.
I wish I could say I don't care about votes or comments, but I do. Much more about comments than votes. It means a lot when someone takes the time to comment either way, but I don't send out lots of thank yous unless someone says something pretty surprising or meaningful. Writing time comes at a premium, so that comes first. But if anyone is reading this who has commented on any of my stuff and not been properly thanked, please let me thank you now. Your comments are what drive me to try to write as well as I can and give you something you'll enjoy reading.
I comment on stories when I've been surprised by them for some reason. Usually it's in the quality of the writing and/or character portrayal. In erotic stories, it's much more likely the surprise will come from the characters rather than the plot or sex. Sometimes I'll comment mostly to encourage the writer, especially if they're newish and show some spark of personality or potential. This is the kind of writing that's most interesting to me. A while ago, I decided to stop commenting at all on other people's work, but after looking through the comments in this thread I realize it was a dumb idea. I just wish I had more time to read.
There are many wonderful writers here to enjoy for so many different reasons. A good many of my own favorites have been mentioned already. I wouldn't want to be repetitive, but sweet-as-candy, delphi, irie and clarabelle should definitely be mentioned along with those who've already been named. But....if it were a matter of boiling it down to one...LadyX. She's got all our asses kicked.
Congratulations to all! It's especially sweet to see such deserving friends win and be acknowledged. Y'all rock!
The ultimate one for me would be to quit. Finally.
No one deserves a happier birthday than the candy lady!!!
A screaming comes across the sky.
...Gravity's Rainbow, Thomas Pynchon
Stephen Crane wrote one of the greatest American war novels - The Red Badge of Courage, of course - even though he'd been born after the Civil War, and without having ever been in a battle himself at that point in his life. I believe Edgar Rice Burroughs had never set foot in Africa, despite creating Tarzan.
The notion that you have to "live" what you write about, or the whole "write what you know" school of thinking is a myth. I remember hearing a story about Hemingway once when he was a war correspondent in Europe, sitting in a bunker when it was attacked. Everyone was running for cover except Hemingway, who said he wanted to know how it felt to get hit. Stupid motherfucker who just had a death wish and one of the most grossly overrated writers who ever lived.
Fuck what you know. Write what you feel.
What if we were talking about basketball? If you play a pick-up game with your friends now and then on a Sunday afternoon, you're a basketball player. Being in the NBA is not what defines you or what you do or your attitude about it. Do you think about it when you're not on the court? Do you debrief with your friends and go over what was good or fun and/or what wasn't and try to play a better game next time?
Writing is just what it is. It's nothing special. It's the same as basketball or swimming or masturbating. Who's the best cook you know? Someone who works in a restaurant or just someone who does it at home because somebody's gotta eat? Collecting a paycheck for something doesn't mean very much. The most frighteningly brilliant poet I ever knew never published a word because he was painfully awkward socially and couldn't play the game with all the yippy, leg humping poodles who populate the "lit biz".
The only advantage to writing for a living is how it gives you a chance to turn putting words together into a habit you don't have to think about too much. A very few but fairly pesky aspects just become a little easier. Things like talent and inspiration are very highly overrated, and I'm not actually convinced they even exist. Kurt Vonnegut said that a writer is not someone who likes to write, but who likes having written.
Just write and say your piece. Make your mark, whatever it is, and fuck what anyone else thinks.
Beautifully done! This boils it down to some of the most common errors people make whether native speakers of English or not. They're also points that most people understand in theory, but the mistakes go by because so many people rely on their spell check to do their proofreading for them. Forget grammar check completely. It's the most worthless word processing feature there is.
Reading aloud is the best advice there is. It helps us avoid the bigger problems of the little bottlenecks we all write ourselves into occasionally. The beautiful thing about "foreign" writers is when someone turns a phrase in a way a native speaker would never think of. It's sad, though, when the fear of mistakes inhibits anyone from trying to say/express something. MUCH more important than any grammar concern is what's in your heart and imagination that needs to get out and meet the rest of the planet. Technical concerns are just to put us on the same page, as it were, and make it easy for the reader to get what we want them to.
Also, I think a lot of people in this situation end up being the target of idiots who have some kind of noodly dick ego requirement to show others just how fucking smart they are by denigrating something someone wrote because there were grammatical problems. To coin the elegant parlance of our friends in the UK, these dipwads are nothing but a bunch of wankers hell bent on wasting other people's time. Fucking tedious.
In the immortal words of the late, great Charlie Parker, "Learn the rules and then forget them."
Happy Birthday, Gav! Here's hoping it's a great day for you. No working and answering dumb questions from people like me :-)
Happy Birthday, Jinxy
