Quote by DeanRodman
I didn't know how to spell it or what it was exactly
Trust me, you do not want to know what a vegemite sandwich is. Not from personal experience, anyway.
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Grace
Over 90 days ago
Lesbian Cis Female, 76
United States
Forum
Force of Nature
Quote by PhilU
Okay, flash makes everything harder. I was just suggesting that if punctuation doesn't make it clear what's going on, then words might be needed. I don't need to know any more, but I am clearly still a little confused just reading what you've written (regardless of punctuation).
Also, one thing that is often hard with first-person is - why is the narrator, who can obviously hear the other side of the conversation, not telling us about it? We're not a distant listener; we're in her head. I can understand that you (the author) don't want to tell us both sides. But... maybe third-person would work better here?
Damn, hoist on my own petard. I have a nasty habit of assuming that because I know what is going on my reader must also know.
The protagonist in my story had me write it as she told it to me, She started by letting me hear her on the phone. I never heard the other side, so I have no idea what her boss said.
Force of Nature
Quote by PhilU
My:
I love ellipses and (over)use them quite often, but this is a bit over the top. Could you space it out a bit with some description (which makes the reader pause a bit)? And/or cut down the number of different phrases?
E.g.
"Prague? Are you serious?" Her expression turned sour as she listened. "A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man? If he tries to touch me I expect you to bail me out." She sat stony-faced for a few seconds, then sighed. "Okay. Make sure there's a driver waiting for me at the airport... Ah go fuck yourself." She managed a wry smile. "Yes dear, I know you will." Slam!!!
Not sure if that's an improvement or not, but it's maybe something to think about.
And a big thanks to Kee for the initial post - I like first person, I write in it often and I need to watch out for excessive use of 'I'.
I am telling the story in the first person. It starts with a telephone conversation, of which you, the reader/listener, can only hear one side. When I write flash I do not include extra words. You do not need to know my expression. All you need is what I said, and an indication of when he was speaking.I agree the ellipses are excessive.
I am wondering if there is a better way to do it than the method I used.
Quote by Grace
"Prague? Are you serious?" "This had better be worth my while." "A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man?"
This might have been the right way.
Quote by Grace
"Prague? Are you serious?"
"This had better be worth my while."
"A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man?"
I don't like it.
