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Grace
Over 90 days ago
Lesbian Cis Female, 76
United States
Forum
Force of Nature
Quote by LikeToWrite
Hi Grace. I’m certainly no expert when it comes to writing and I’ll be the first to admit it. I would like to offer my thoughts about your two submissions, then I’ll sit back and see what some of the very talented authors have to say.
Referring to your first version, I would not enclose every sentence within quote marks as you have done. When I read that, I kept wondering who the second speaker was. Of course, there is only one person, or you would have split the dialogue into separate paragraphs. I found this to be very distracting.
My choice for the best version would be the second one, simply because you wrote it with only one set of quote marks. What I question here is was it necessary to use any ellipses? I could be wrong, but my understanding of their use is to show a pause in the dialogue. Thinking about the way a person would speak, would they pause after every sentence? There could be a hesitation after the word ‘serious’. Like the use of the word ‘I’ in the original poster comments, I think they are overused here. As I read these words, I found my eyes lingering on each ellipse, which broke the smooth flow of the words. I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s never a good idea to have anything that distracts the reader’s attention.
Okay, that’s my two cents for whatever it’s worth, and as you know, a penny isn’t worth much these days. I’m anxious to read other people’s comments.
That was the opening paragraph of a first-person narrative. What you are hearing is one side of a telephone conversation, you can't hear my boss. Technically each set of quotes is a paragraph, but that seemed excessive as I was writing it. Thinking about it, you are right, the ellipses are distracting. I had to do something, though.
Force of Nature
Speaking of ellipses, since I am in the company of such great writers, I would like some advice.
I wrote:
Is that good? Is this better?
I wrote:
Quote by Grace
"Prague? Are you serious?" "This had better be worth my while." "A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man?" "If he tries to touch me I expect you to bail me out." "Okay. Make sure there's a driver waiting for me at the airport." "Ah go fuck yourself." "Yes dear, I know you will." Slam!!!
Is that good? Is this better?
Quote by Grace
"Prague? Are you serious? ... This had better be worth my while. ... A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man? ... If he tries to touch me I expect you to bail me out. ... Okay. Make sure there's a driver waiting for me at the airport. ... Ah go fuck yourself. ... Yes dear, I know you will." Slam!!!