just a guy with some kinks exploring things that i was not allowed to even have thoughts of because those that do are bad and going to hell for having naughty thought. and of course masturbation is disgusting and they will go to hell as well. so naturally i would have naughty thoughts and would masturbate but i sure though there was something wrong with me and felt only shame and of course i was going to end up in hell if i couldn't stop doing these things. Now after a 11 year marriage to a girl that was very comfortable and wanted sex a lot but i would deny her most of the time because i never got passed thinking that sex is a bad thing so it was not fun for me. i was still having very naughty fantasies and would masturbate whenever i thought i could without her knowing. funny thing is i know that if i would have told her about my fantasizes she would have been so into it she would have wet her panties faster than she could have got them off. but i just couldn't do it so naturally after 11 years asked me for a divorce. now its just me and knowing that my parents were wrong but just doing what they thought was right so i wouldn't make the same mistakes they did, and not having anyone in my life that i would be too scared to lose if i shared what turns me on to take the chance of sharing that info. with them if they thought i was a horrible person for it and leave me, so, knowing better and no one in my life were a relationship could be at risk, if its just me, then i can explore my sexual side and finally find out what i enjoy and what i am like..... yea nope!!! lol. im at an age now that i dont know if i am willing to actually put myself into another relationship again. i had one relationship after my wife and my God i thought my wife was a horrible wife for being a hardcore alcoholic. this girl was literally a nut job. like she said i know your spying on me cuz i can see the furniture moving up into the air. yea, she crazy. so im thinking its just gunna be me from now on so im gunna enjoy myself without shame or worry how it might effect another.