What im about to say is not and excuse or a justification for what ive done as there is no excuse or justification. When i came here i was struggling with my identity,recovering from a major injury,and very uncertain about my world.

With help i soon found my place and began what i hoped would be a huge turning point for me. I was a good person then,i cared about peoples feelings. The deeper i got into submission the more natural if felt,my brain absorbed the tenets of obedience. Something changed in me im not sure when but soon i was putting my need for obedience ahead of other things like loyalty and honor to the people who were guiding me because they saw potential in me.

When your talking on here to your friends,lovers, Dommes or subs, your talking to a real person who has real feelings and emotions. While yes its cyber it doesnt mean those feelings and emotions are just play. I betrayed people who genuinely loved me, people who shared their feelings,their doubts about themselves. People who trusted me with their heart. While i returned their love i just couldnt stop myself from acting on my urge,need, whatever you think to call it. I very much loved these people,is up to you to believe that or not. If you dont its very understandable as ive obviously lied,cheated,betrayed people i loved.

Im not asking for sympathy or redemption as i deserve neither. I am not the victim,the people who trusted and depended on me are. What i am is a person carrying the weight of my actions and the consequences of those actions. Its a weight im not sure im strong enough to carry much longer. I struggle daily with this,seeing the monster you have become has that affect.

I cant fix what ive broken. I cant mend the hurt ive caused in a thousand years of trying. I just want those people to know that....not sure what to say. Sorry is an inadequate word for something like this. You all deserved better,deserved the person you thought i was. If i have made made you feel even half the pain ive been feeling then im a worse monster than i already think i am.

Remember that even though this is an escape,a place of refuge,remember that the people are real and hurt and suffer in the real world from things that occur here. Hopefully someone might read this and have a moment of clarity before they follow in my foot steps.