I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a Huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ My own private secretary.
"Well you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said. "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."
"That's fair enough," I replied. "When can you start?"
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Old Lady: I am 72 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said, "What can I get you, gorgeous?"
The woman blushed and replied, "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear, "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"
John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex. "We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him. So he waits.
They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!"
John says, "You're kidding!"
Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."
Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.
"There's no use John," she said "You might as well go to sleep."
"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes!"
A blonde and her redhead friend were talking about sex...
Blonde: Tell me, what is sex ?
Redhead: Sex is when you dress up, go to a bar, flirt with a guy, he buys you drinks. You go to bed and he leaves some money on your table.
Blonde: And what is good sex ?
Redhead: Good sex is when you dress up, go to a bar, flirt with a guy, he buys you drinks. You go to bed and he leaves lots of money on your table.
Blonde: And what is love ? Redhead: Love - That's an ethnic minority invention to avoid leaving money on the table.
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-Meter board, and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out, and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said," That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.
A Blonde couple were in a car parked on Lovers Lane and the young man turned admiringly to his pretty date and said, "Gee, you smell terrific. You wearing perfume or something?"
The girl blushed charmingly and confessed that she was wearing a new perfume that she'd bought especially with him in mind.
"You smell good, too," she aid, "What do you have on?"
"Well, I have a hard-on," blurted the young man," but I didn't know that you could smell it."
A man, very much on the make for his secretary, wined her and dined her. He finally succeeded in getting her to his apartment, where he whispered sweet promises into her ear while he began to unbutton her blouse.
"If we get together," he said, "a fur coat...perhaps a trip to Europe."
The secretary nodded a cheerful agreement, and soon the two were locked in intercourse. Later, while dressing, she asked him when she could get the fur coat he'd promised.
"What fur coat?" he asked.
"You promised me a fur coat," she said.
"When I'm horny I'll promise anything," he said. Putting one hand on his heart and one on his penis, he added, "When he's soft, he's hard. When he's hard, he's soft."
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: OK, Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha Ha..., well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Hmmmmmmmm..... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: OK... OK... On the kitchen table.
Presenter (laughter in the room): Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: OK.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: OK! About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (Giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough. Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: OK. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway... just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh..... alright.... Up the ass!
Radio Silence...
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry. I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODA... I am waiting for you upstairs."
An Aussie drover walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons and announced, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.
So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. He sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged. He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, "Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there."
"Well," says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize."
"But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks.
"Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin.
A young Blonde enrolls for a Woodwork Class. On the first day of the school term the teacher was surprised to see a rather prim young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Sarah and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.
The bemused teacher asked Sarah if she was sure she was in the right class. Sarah assured him that she was.
The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" Sarah asked.
"Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the teacher expounded
After pondering for a moment, Sarah admitted, "I really cannot say, since I've never been 'bolted' before!"
A blonde went out on a date with her boyfriend to the movies. After the movie he took her to quite romantic mountain, parked the car and started to kiss her.
As things progressed they started fondling each other. Before long they were ready to make love. He asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.
She said, "No."
He unbuttoned her blouse and began fondling her breasts and once again he asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.
Again she said, "No!"
As more and more of her clothing came off he became really hot and excited. Once again he asked her, "Would you like to get in the back seat?"
And again she said, "No!"
Frustrated he asked, "Why not?"
To which she replied, "I want to stay in the front seat with you."
Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, wearing a string bikini with no tan lines.
The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a lesbian."
A little girl was asking her teacher.
Girl: Can my mom get pregnant?
Teacher: How old is your mom?
Girl: She's 40!
Teacher: Yes, she can.
Girl: Can my sister get pregnant?
Teacher: How old is your sister?
Girl: She's 18.
Teacher: Yes, she can.
Girl: Can I get pregnant?
Teacher: How old are you?
Girl: I'm 12.
Teacher: No, you cannot get pregnant.
A lil boy sitting behind the lil girl said, I told you we have nothing to worry about.
The teacher fainted.
A married lawyer was having fun with a prostitute in his car.
On getting home, his wife saw panties on the back seat. She tore it apart screaming, "John!!!! What is this?!?"
The lawyer retorted, "What is what? I don't know what you're talking about!"
The wife replied, "This Panties! I saw it in your car this evening!"
Quickly, His lawyer instincts kicked in and calmly said, "You just destroyed the evidence of a case worth a 5 million I'm handling."
She fell on her knees apologising.
What women say and what they really mean
1. Yes = No!
2. No = Yes!
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want.
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry.
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not.
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
What men say and what they really mean
1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay!
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
1. The Optimist - "Ahh ..... Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes ..... Aaahhh ..... !"
2. The Pessimist - "Ahh ..... Oh No, Oh No, Oh No ..... Aaahhh ..... !"
3. The Confused - "Ahh ..... Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No ..... Aaahhh ..... !"
4. The Traveler - "Ahh ..... I'm coming, I'm coming ..... Aaahhh ..... !"
5. The Religious - "Ahh ..... Oh God, Oh God..... Aaahhh ..... !"
6. The Needy - "Ahh ..... More, More, More..... Aaahhh ..... !"
7. The Beggar - "Ahh ..... Please ..... Please ..... Aaahhh ..... !"
8. The Submariner - "Ahh ..... Ohhhh ..... Deeper ..... Go DEEPER..... Aaahhh ..... !"
9. The Sports woman - "Ahh ..... Faster ..... Faster ..... Aaahhh ..... !"
10. The Mimicry artist - "Ahh ..... Shhhhh ..... Hsssss ..... Shhhhh ..... Aaahhh ..... !"
11. The Dutiful Daughter - "Ahh ..... Oooh maaaa ..... Oooh maaaa ..... Aaahhh ..... !"
12. The Wrestler - "Ahh ..... Hold me tight ..... Rougher ..... Harder ..... Aaahhh ..... !"
13. The Murderer - "Ahh ..... I am going to cum ..... Ahh ..... If you cum before me, I'll kill you ..... Aaahhh ..... !"
Mary: You'll love this story from my friend who works in the ER.
Janet: What happened? Mary: A woman came in with a cell phone shoved up her ass!
Janet: You're kidding!
Mary: I'm not. The woman said she and her husband were playing some "adult games."
Janet: Well, it had to be either that, or she doesn't understand the meaning of phone sex.
An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:
This bloke should have gotten a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!
Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
Still interested?
Msg me... or chat up with me! ;)
3 adult ladies have a lunch get together. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and one has been married for 5+ years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
The engaged girl: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then the married one had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
He said to me: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him: You wear pants don't you?
He said to me: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him: That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.
He said to me: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me: Why is it difficult to find women who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him: They already have boyfriends.
He said to me: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him: A widow.
He said to me: Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed... Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
On their way to Vegas to get married, a wife-to-be confesses to her guy that the reason they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is OK with her.
The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles further down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession that he has a penis just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is OK with him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"
The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby!"
The guy replied, "It is 7 pounds and 13 inches!"
A wife wanted an expensive fur coat from the executive husband to celebrate their Silver wedding anniversary.
The miser overbearing rich husband rejected the expensive but affordable demand, He said, "You grow the hair on your chest and I will give you fur coat to cover it."
The wife was out of control with anger. She pulls up her skirt, drops and throws her panties and pushes her hairy pubic area forward.
She said, "There! I have the hair on my chest, now buy me that damn coat!"
"That's not your chest, that is your pussy!" husband screamed back.
"Oh yes that is my chest all right" she yelled back. "While we were dating this was your chest of hope. We got married and on our honeymoon you used to tease me it was your chest of pleasure. Then I started bearing children and it became your chest of family, and damn it "If you don't buy me that fur coat, it is going to be the community chest of public."
Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry, lady," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system:
"Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
Nope since she is into girls... so respect it :-)
