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john11738
3 weeks ago
Bi-curious Cis Male, 66
0 miles · Bayport
Forum
Advanced Wordsmith
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .... ..........
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .... ..........
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Advanced Wordsmith
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice
how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship
between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between
Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I
are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle... You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
__________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
____________________________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the
fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship
between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between
Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I
are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle... You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
__________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
____________________________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the
fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
Advanced Wordsmith
Q: Where can single men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you’ll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: Gosh, I remember these!
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you’ll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: Gosh, I remember these!
Advanced Wordsmith
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
Advanced Wordsmith
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought
she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called
the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the
den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for
dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this)
"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called
the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the
den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for
dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this)
"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Advanced Wordsmith
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a
talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath
... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip
& Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"
Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the
President Obama method of giving you something shitty, but looks
good, for free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of
your mouth." The teacher was speechless. . . .. . . . .
Little Johnny got 5 stars for his efforts, bless his heart. . ..
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a
talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath
... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip
& Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"
Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the
President Obama method of giving you something shitty, but looks
good, for free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of
your mouth." The teacher was speechless. . . .. . . . .
Little Johnny got 5 stars for his efforts, bless his heart. . ..
Advanced Wordsmith
George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
Advanced Wordsmith
I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Most old guys are helpful like that…
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Most old guys are helpful like that…
Advanced Wordsmith
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know
what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom. on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know
what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom. on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Advanced Wordsmith
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
Advanced Wordsmith
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. And, then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied,
'The fucking funeral director would be my first guess.'
'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. And, then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied,
'The fucking funeral director would be my first guess.'
Advanced Wordsmith
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad
day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to
express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in
the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive and invincible...
No wait... Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey.
Its whiskey that does all that.
Never mind
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad
day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to
express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in
the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive and invincible...
No wait... Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey.
Its whiskey that does all that.
Never mind
Advanced Wordsmith
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib
Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib
Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!
Advanced Wordsmith
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."
Advanced Wordsmith
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past
a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business.....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past
a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business.....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
Advanced Wordsmith
During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google,
it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
Advanced Wordsmith
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Advanced Wordsmith
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said,
'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said,
'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
Advanced Wordsmith
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
================
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
================
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
================
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
================
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started..
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
================
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
================
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
================
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
================
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started..
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Advanced Wordsmith
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs"
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs"
Advanced Wordsmith
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What
would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"
HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: --
silence --
HUSBAND:
"shit."
WIFE: "What
would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"
HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: --
silence --
HUSBAND:
"shit."
Advanced Wordsmith
A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man,
and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and
in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's
chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (about a year ago) we
grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now.......the whole
country is looking for work!!!!!!"
and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and
in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's
chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (about a year ago) we
grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now.......the whole
country is looking for work!!!!!!"
Advanced Wordsmith
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
