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john11738
3 weeks ago
Bi-curious Cis Male, 66
0 miles · Bayport
Forum
Advanced Wordsmith
A ragged old derelict shuffled into a down and dirty
bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook
as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the
window and handed it to the bartender.
I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an
F-8 Crusader pilot in Viet Nam but when they retired the Crusader
they cashiered me as well. So I learned to play the
piano on the GI Bill."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this rather
doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a
while since he had a piano player and business was
falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a
try and said, "OK give me a sample of your playing."
The old CDR staggered his way over to the piano
while several patrons snickered. By the time he was
into his third bar of music, every voice was
silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and
music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before.
When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and
asked him the name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going
Balls To The Wall For You!" and I wrote it
myself," he said.
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but
the piano player then went on with a knee-slapping,
hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place
jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot
acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the
song was called, “Big Boobs Light My Afterburner." He then excused
himself as he stumbled and lurched to the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and
said, "Look Commander, the job is yours, but do you
know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I
wrote it!"
bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook
as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the
window and handed it to the bartender.
I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an
F-8 Crusader pilot in Viet Nam but when they retired the Crusader
they cashiered me as well. So I learned to play the
piano on the GI Bill."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this rather
doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a
while since he had a piano player and business was
falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a
try and said, "OK give me a sample of your playing."
The old CDR staggered his way over to the piano
while several patrons snickered. By the time he was
into his third bar of music, every voice was
silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and
music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before.
When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and
asked him the name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going
Balls To The Wall For You!" and I wrote it
myself," he said.
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but
the piano player then went on with a knee-slapping,
hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place
jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot
acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the
song was called, “Big Boobs Light My Afterburner." He then excused
himself as he stumbled and lurched to the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and
said, "Look Commander, the job is yours, but do you
know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I
wrote it!"
Advanced Wordsmith
A woman goes to the doctors office because she's not feeling very well.
After a bounce of tests the doctor calls her into his office, he tells her that she only has 2 weeks to live.
Stunned, the woman asks "Two weeks, is there anything I can do?"
The doctor replies, "Well, you could find an isurance salesman and marry him."
The woman puzzled says "Marry an insurance salesman, will that make me live longer then two weeks?"
The doctor says, "No, but it will seem a lot longer!"
After a bounce of tests the doctor calls her into his office, he tells her that she only has 2 weeks to live.
Stunned, the woman asks "Two weeks, is there anything I can do?"
The doctor replies, "Well, you could find an isurance salesman and marry him."
The woman puzzled says "Marry an insurance salesman, will that make me live longer then two weeks?"
The doctor says, "No, but it will seem a lot longer!"
Advanced Wordsmith
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, wrote him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'
'I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, wrote him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'
'I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Advanced Wordsmith
TRUE IRISH GHOST STORY
This happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car
and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror,
watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
'Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it.'
This happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car
and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror,
watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
'Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it.'
Advanced Wordsmith
Quote by smirk71
I really disagree ( I'm not old though), Getting older is great. The things I like about myself has trippled, my tolerance for others... well it's getting better. I love the little wisdom that I am gaining. I am a million times sexier now, than I ever was at 20. I think men are the same. Yes, a 26 year old is fun, but a 46 year old can make me cum...over and over again.
46 is not old, 86 is old!
When you can't hear people to tolerate them, that's old!
When you forget the things that once were wisdom, that's old!
When that warm feeling in your groin is from you soiling your diaper, that's old!
So between now and then, let yourself go and have a great time. Party!!!
Advanced Wordsmith
#1
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
# 2
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I... Let's have a beer.'
#3
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
#4
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
# 2
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I... Let's have a beer.'
#3
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
#4
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
Advanced Wordsmith
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and he asks his family doctor how he can tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a 'Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit,'
a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint, and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see,' you hit her with the shovel."
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a 'Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit,'
a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint, and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see,' you hit her with the shovel."
Advanced Wordsmith
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
''What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back.."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's Not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's Not my wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday...
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
''What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back.."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's Not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's Not my wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday...
Advanced Wordsmith
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." (P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." (P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)