Paulie1960's Forum Posts

10 Jul 2013

Quote by CenterLine
In short, yes.

You should give up hope of her loving you, but moreover, you should try and give up your love for her. If it were to happen, it would create such a mess in both your lives that you would probably never see or speak to each other the same way, or possibly ever again depending on how bad it went. Even if she were into you sexually, I suspect that there is virtually no chance of her wanting to spend her life with you, which is what it kind of sounds like you were/are after.

Addressing another note, if you are unhappily married, I encourage you to work on that problem. Talk to your wife about the things that make you unhappy. If that doesn't help, or you're unable to say what you mean maybe see a therapist. If nothing works and you've given what you have and you're certain it's over, then end it. Also, a marriage that ends is not necessarily a failed marriage. If you were both happy once, and have grown apart, then you should both find somebody else. This advice is of course nebulous, since I have no idea if your wife feels the same way, or if she thinks everything is fine.

Anyway, you should not pursue this woman. Try and work things out with your wife, or don't, but there's no point in being married if it makes you unhappy.

Thanks a lot for your reply!! By now I have clearly understood that there's no point in me continuing to fool myself in the hope that something would ever have come of it.

As far as my marriage is concerned, I not certain what I will or really want to do, but I think it's almost beyond repair. In any event, my wife has often indicated she's had enough of me and wants to leave me. Maybe she'll end up taking the initiative before I ever come to a decision.

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10 Jul 2013

Quote by Metilda
Paulie. Here's some more frank honesty:

Your married. Maybe you need to work on that. Fix your marriage or seek a divorce. THEN pursue relationships.

She doesn't take you seriously when it comes to the flirting and 'I love yous' because you're married and or because you two are coworkers, and she's married too.
She didn't consider having an affair with you because youre married and or because you're coworkers.

Her affair distraught you? How? Why? You are married. Maybe being in a broken marriage is the reason you have feelings for her. Perhaps if you worked through your broken marriage you'll find individuality, freedom, happiness and strength.

It makes no sense to WANT to be with someone (who is married) when you refuse to address your own broken relationship. How can someone advise you on how to pursue anything with her when you're not able to address problems with your wife? Is she miserable, too? Why is your marriage such a muck to you? Perhaps that needs some serious contemplation, too.

Affairs don't solve problems - they create problems.

Don't exist forever like you are now. Youre wasting your life. Time is short. Fix it or move on. Be respectful to the woman you married by leveling with her about how you feel.

Hi Metilda!!

I know you are absolutely right in just about everything you say. The only thing is that it was not my broken marriage that lead me to searching for her, on the contrary, it was probably my sentiments for her that exacerbated the problems in my marriage. I found in her that which I would have would have liked my wife to be. My colleague has all the qualities that my wife doesn't possess, and this caused a certain degree resentment towards my wife! I know the grass is always greener on the other side, but believe me, I am (was??) completely infatuated with her, notwithstanding my mature age. And I've never found anyone who has ever made me feel this way!

I've been married 22 years to my wife, and despite that our marriage is "on the rocks" (yes, my wife is miserable too!!), I have never betrayed her in all these years. It is not an affair that I was looking for with my colleague, I would have even been prepared to leave my wife for her if only she'd have wanted me. But as it stands, and I think you all agree, I suppose it won't be necessary.

PS: I really did appreciate all the time you took out to answer my post, and for your sincere interest and your sound advice!! Grazie mille!!!!

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10 Jul 2013

Quote by bookworm_sue
I have to say I agree with the other ladies here. It's best to cut your losses before they get any worse. At best she is using you and how you feel about her. I know it's is hard to hear and even harder to do but sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and do it.

I must say, the unanimous opinions expressed by all you ladies have really convinced me that I have been fooling myself for so long!! I suppose deep down it's not such a surprise. I kind of realised it myself already, but I've never really been very good at deciphering women's behaviour, trying to understand what they are really trying to say.

Your comment was really helpful to me, thanks. Paulie

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10 Jul 2013

Quote by Dancing_Doll
To be honest - the fact that she told you about her affair should be the big red flag for you. The fact that she had it is bad (for you), but her telling you basically says that she only sees you as a friend and isn't concerned about hurting your feelings or any resulting jealousy issues. Usually the only time we tell guys stuff like that is when we only see them in a platonic way and want guy advice or sympathy.

You need to move on emotionally. Working together is the bit that'll make it difficult but I don't see any real 'in' for you in this situation.

I must admit that I thought a lot about her having an affair with another man, and then coming to me and telling me about it, and what that implied for me. I didn't think she was the type of woman who would have betrayed her family for the sake of a bit of sex on the side - even though I always hoped that if she did ever do it, it would have been with me. I even jokingly told her so, but she just laughed it off. I know you're 100% right and that she only sees me as a friend/colleague. Of course, it's gonna be tough working in the same office together. I suppose it won't be a physical detachment that I have to make but certainly an emotional break-away.

Thanks so much for being so straight forward!!

Paulie xx

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10 Jul 2013

Quote by Naughty_Nurse
You speak my mind.....

Hey there my love, I saw from your profile that you also happen to be a registered nurse, specialized in mental health care. Isn't there anything you can do for Magical_felix??? Or is it a lost cause???

Thanks!!

Paulie

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10 Jul 2013

Quote by LadyX
Paulie, it occurs to me that you might not be down with homicide; and if you are, it's probably best that you say nothing...

But I do think that the way she views you within her life is probably completely separate from who lives or dies. And based on the evidence, I wouldn't invest any further in hope that you two end up together.

Thanks dearie for helping me get my thoughts together and putting everything into perspective. That's very sweet of you!! I know that I've only ever been deceiving myself thinking that something someday could ever have come of it. But hearing it from a woman's point of view has really helped me see things for what they really are, even though I must admit it won't be easy to let her go, which is exactly what I know I should do, I know.

Grazie!!

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10 Jul 2013

Quote by overmykneenow

Is there not a mod around to delete this post? Or the account.

Thanks so very much indeed, that really is very kind of you to want to take my defence, in the belief that the other gentleman's comments could have proven to have been somewhat offensive to me.

When I posted my message I was well aware that, inevitably, someone would try to utilise the opportunity to make some light hearted comment, which could even border on bad taste. But I think that's par for the course, and I'm sure he was just out to grab a few cheap laughs. In the end, however, I don't think he achieved his objective. And of course, as every good Englishman would know, there is a big difference between being funny and being witty!!

Thanks once again, I really appreciated your intervention. Everyone should have a friend like you!!

Paulie

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10 Jul 2013

Quote by trinket
Yes, I'd give up if I were you, and I think you're being played. She knows you want her but she's just teasing you, or keeping you on the 'fringe' of the friendship if she should want you in the future for something and I don't mean anything good. Who knows, maybe if you divorced your very unhappily married wife, you might appear more attractive to the opposite sex because you would be single.

Thanks my dear for the sound advice. Women understand other women much better than we men ever will.

Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

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10 Jul 2013

Thanks for being so frank, I appreciate it!! Deep down inside I know you're absolutely right!! But on the other hand, it's not so easy for the head to command the heart... but maybe it's time that I try. Grazie!!

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10 Jul 2013

I would love to have a woman's honest point of view on my friendship with a work colleague.

I'm a 53 years old, very unhappily married man, who is just so deeply and madly in love with a work colleague of mine, who is in her late 30's, married, has one child and is now almost 8 months pregnant with her 2nd child.

We've worked together for almost 10 years now, and she has always known that I have had a big, big crush on her. I've always flirted a lot with her, which she seems to enjoy, and I've always told her that I love her, but always in a joking way, as I am fearful of her reaction were I to confess it to her in a very serious and sincere manner!

We are very good friends/colleagues, and I do everything I can to help and please her - though sometimes I get the impression she maybe takes advantage of this. I know she likes me as a person, but I don't necessarily think so in a romantic or sexual way. Before finding out she was pregnant again she joked about the fact that we should become casual lovers, but I didn't dare risk taking her seriously in case she was really just joking or mocking me.

Recently I also found out (she confessed it to me) that just before her getting pregnant, she had had an affair with another man, not for love but just because she just wanted to be courted, receive attention, feel young, alive and desirable again, given that her husband tended to neglect her in recent years. Her husband found out and forgave her betrayal, and now they're still together. I think another child was her husband's pre-condition for returning to her?!?

Her having had a love affair with another man, and not with me, really destroyed me deep down inside. It made me feel as if I wasn't good enough for her, and maybe that is precisely the case, after all, she is still young and beautiful and I'm maybe not up to her standards.

But I still love her profoundly, and I always will, and nothing she does could ever change that.

My question is, should I not just give up any hope of her ever loving me, and resign myself, painful as it may be for me, to the fact that we will only ever be friends???????

What is really eating me up inside is the thought of having to learn to live with myself for the rest of my life with the doubt of what might have been (but never was or perhaps was never meant to be)!!

Ps: Please tell me honestly what you think of my situation, I won't be offended if you think I'm just a silly old fool who should know better.

Thanks, Paulie

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