Quote by kiera
Cuts both ways = Gloria Estefan
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sprite
7 hours ago
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Fluid Female
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Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by Metilda
Very late afterthought - but your comment has been on my mind all this time...
Your view turns it into a subject that's ALL ABOUT WHAT RAPISTS WANT.
What about what I want? Don't I have a say in the type of sexually charged material I write as a woman?
You're honestly suggesting that I should avoid something in my life, my career path as an author (keeping in mind I don't just write stroker story erotica), because rapists EXISTS?
I've dealt with some serious sexual abuse in my life and not ONCE have I let it govern what I do and don't do as an adult woman. I've had quite enough of that. When have I ever let rapists govern my life? Isn't that truly what they want - instilling fear and paranoia so they can control you even when they're not around?
Why should THEY have control over my life because of THEIR urges and desires?
I'm not ever going to let someone ELSE decide what I can and cannot do when THEY are the ones who are causing the trouble. Rapists are the problem, not authors writing.
I'm all 100% in support of corporations and communities making decisions about the content they publish and associate with. I always abide by rules. Always. But what you're suggesting, here, goes far beyond that.
aren't you aware that it's always our fault? skirt's too short. too much make up. out too late in a dangerous hood. been drinking. didn't check our drinks to see if someone dropped something in them. writing sexually charged material. our fault. get with the times, woman.
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by patokl
I know. But a semicolon is a pause, not a full stop. There are still moments I can't fight it. Over the years those moments are becoming less frequent and for shorter periods too, so most of the time I'm really fine. I know, the only one suffering from my hate will be me. Forgive though, is still a step to far.
And that other thing? When the police stopped me from taking that last step, I didn't see a semicolon yet, but thanks to someone here, she knows who, that is now firmly in place. She saved me.
a lot of times people talk about forgiveness - on one hand, holding onto the hatred will only hurt you in the end. letting go of that hate, though, and forgiving, are two different animals. personally, i don't forgive easily. or at all.
Her Royal Spriteness
lots of things just didn't work out. relationships, an engagement, pick up games of b-ball, but i don't feel like i've actually ever failed anything. pretty sure i don't like that word, honestly. imo, none of you are failures (except Kiera - i mean, really, even a 5 yo can cook a pizza without burning it. sad. very sad). 
personally, i like 'regrets' instead of 'failures'.
personally, i like 'regrets' instead of 'failures'. 
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by curvygalore
Closure is an ideal word judicially. Doesn't exist in reality - at least not in the nice, ordered way we are promised it does. Emotions, anger and anguish simply don't work that way. But you are one hell of a survivor Rachel, and you face this every day. No wonder it overcomes you sometimes, and its all the more positive that you share this. you are the epitome of courage.
yeah, the idea of closure was a lovely fantasy to have up until i realized that's all it was, fantasy. thanks for this, Curvy. *hugs* usually i'm good, just sometimes i get into that headspace and it's hard to shake for a day or 3...
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by Barbielicious
I can imagine you would think about the what ifs. I'm sorry, sweetheart. Xxoo.
They got him? That's great. Even if they had caught him right after what he did, to you, it can't be undone. Nothing can take it away.
I can understand that not wanting to deal. You aren't wrong for any feelings that you have.
I've thought of that too. But never 100% certain for now. Certain enough not to for now. Even if that person died tomorrow, this wouldn't go away.
Have you thought of asking him why he did it? Would you want to? Would it matter even? Would that help any?
You don't have to answer anything if you don't want to.
no, i know that. i just wished that... afterwards, i just felt sick, really. there was no satisfaction, there was no closure, none of that stuff that i always thought there might be. i walked away, it was done, and yeah, a lot of it was done through lawyers, the judge, but i did get face time - a line up at first, and then again later. i didn't ask him - i know why guys do this. it's about power, it's about hate, it's about control - it's not about sex, sex is just the weapon they use. some men are murderers who have simply found a weapon that kills more slowly than a gun - that is the reality. i was stabbed twice, once superficial, once fairly seriously. those healed, they're just scars to add to the collection. what hasn't healed are the wounds that aren't visible *shrugs* fairly common, in my experience, talking to victims - no, no victims, survivors - i hate the V word - ugh. those wounds don't heal well, or tear open again when we least expect - some of us pick at the scabs until we bleed, even when we know better.
i made a conscious decision to share shortly afterwards. silence, at least for me, is like giving them another way to hurt you, it's never easy to do. it tears open wounds, but i think it also gives me a sense of doing something positive every times someone says 'hey, yeah, i'm not alone, thanks'. and yeah, i say that too, all the time.. hey, i'm not alone here, thanks. *hugs* fuck, this hurts, and not in the good way. at least it's got me crying now - usually a good sign, ya know?
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by Barbielicious
That's great. And you know, maybe writing a letter of how you feel, no matter how you feel, mad, violent, sad. Whatever. You could write a letter to that person and I don't know if that would help. You don't have to show anyone. You could hide it away.
It'd be just for you.
I don't know the particulars, but I hope that even if you knew self defense, it may not have mattered. It still would have occurred. So I hope you don't feel badly for that.
*nods* i know that, but you know, the 'what ifs' are always there when i replay that night in my head, and i do, much as i wish i didn't. things like that get burned into your memory. what if i had been paying better attention, what if i had left earlier and not had that last beer, what if i had parked somewhere safer, what if... what ifs suck, but they get stuck in your head sometimes and play havoc.
earlier this year, the guy was caught assaulting another girl - she got the what if's right and he was caught - she was lucky, and i'm eternally grateful and happy for her - and a little envious - his MO and ID matched - i got to go thru the joy of going through all that again, but the good thing was, his DNA also matched and he's doing time right now - you'd think there would be more closure, right? in a way, there is, but it wasn't really how i imagined it - no triumpant fist in the air, no big fuck you in the face, just a little relief that he's off the street, that he won't do it again... honestly, there were times when i wanted to walk away and just... not deal. *shrugs* sucks, right?
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by Barbielicious
Awwww. I love you too honey. You're going to make me cry. One thing if I could suggest, maybe it will help. Maybe it won't.
Can you use a punching bag and pretend it's your attacker? Have you taken a self defense class not so much for that but to feel empowered? It's an idea.
Giant hugs for you, dearest Sprite.
i wish i could find the pic - i posted a photo of our back porch in the mods section a long while back - the predominant feature is a punching bag which gets a workout every day
also, i've been working out at a gym - speed bag and even spending time in the ring boxing, i've been practicing tai chi and kung fu for ages now. actually, my goal is to be the next MMA champ - Rhonda Rousey, move your ass over lol sadly, when it came down to it, didn't do much good when it mattered, which still kind of gets to me on occasion. 
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by patokl
Excuse me? We aren't talking about or first sexual acts in this thread, but about the first time we were reading erotica. Are you seriously implying, that the admission, that I was reading something when I wasn't 16 yet, is against the rules? That's like getting arrested in Florida for talking about beer before your 21st birthday.
cops in florida are total dicks. i was once pulled over near Miami for thinking about lighting up a joint when i got home.
Her Royal Spriteness
Obviously, the whole idea behind the trip is one crazy ass lesbian gangbang orgy from which she'll never come back. if you're okay with her becoming a carpet munching man-hating lesbo, go right ahead and tell her to enjoy herself, otherwise, man-up and do what any other self respecting male would do - show her who wears the pants in the family and make her wait on you hand and foot while you watch sports with your buddies. don't let her make you her bitch, dude.
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by Barbielicious
I'm sorry Sprite sweetie. Thank you for sharing. I don't think you should be sorry for your feelings and actions. I'd give you some cake if I could. I'm sorry you are going through so much. I can't say there is any rhyme or reason to what happens in our life.
I do think you exist and are alive for a reason.
I hope things get better for you. You are inspiring.
I think of suicide too sometimes. But I'd do stuff I couldn't take back. (Yes I have attempted it and know how I'd do it if I really wanted to go through with it.)
I wish I could lessen the pain you are feeling.
I wish I could show you how strong you are, because you are.
You matter. If you ever need a shoulder or want to vent or yell or whatever, I'm here for you.
You have a lot of worth and value as a person.
I wish I could undo all the ugliness that's happened in your life, but I don't have the power to.
I don't agree with your therapist. She's never been in your shoes. Why feel something if you don't feel that way?
Love and hugs to you, beautiful Sprite.
Are there any support groups you could try? I joined a support group a long time ago. I remember I wrote a poem or something, one of the women counselors really liked it so I gave it to her. Can't recall what I wrote.
I still have things hidden deeply inside. It's really fucking hard when I'm not close to anyone in my immediate family to support me and share things. And to not be loved at all by them or unconditionally is horrendous.
They like to judge me because I'm not them.
We all can't stand each other or don't along.
(P.s.- if you look up the word dysfunctional, everyone in my family would have their picture there. Lol )
I have other questions for you but don't want to overwhelm you.
funny, i often point people in the direction of counseling and support groups, and i think they do a lot of good. that said, i've been in therapy for a while, and have done the support group thing several times. i have always dealt with stuff like this with anger, yeah, i know, it's an issue - and i tend to be... antagonistic when placed in these situations. i have lost several probably really good therapists because i've blown my top one too many times - and i end up scaring half the women in the support groups to the point of where i question if it's fair to them to be there - really, truth is, while i handle other people's issue well, i don't tend to handle mine nearly as well - i am working on it, but i know i've got a long ways to go - working out physically seems to be my therapy at present, and it does help quite a bit. *shrugs* really, tho, there is no one answer, no one way to deal with things, no real cure, you just learn to deal, and some times i, like all of us, am better at dealing than others. *shrugs*
that all said, thanks for this, B. *hugs* opening it up this morning really kind of took the edge off of what could have been a stormy day. love you lots.
Her Royal Spriteness
last night wasn't a good one. today wasn't much better - struggling a bit, but hey, reading thru some of the posts here sort of helps in a cock-eyed way. I wrote this a while back - i'm a writer - this is how i deal with stuff...
“What did you learn from this?”
My therapist talking. She thinks that there are lessons in everything. My answer?
“Next time, cut vertically, not horizontally. Also, white wine goes much better with sleeping pills than red.”
I’m planning on working this into a comedy routine. I think I have a future.
I’m supposed to be writing about my feelings. I made the mistake of telling her I’m a writer. I didn’t mention that most of what I write is kind of… dirty. Really dirty. That Fifty Shades of Grey book? Children’s pabulum. I write smut. Proud of it, too.
My feelings? Seriously? Am I in high school or something? By the way, I’m not allowed to have knives or even forks. Eating cake is seriously impossible. Maybe I’m just not supposed to have cake and that’s why the no forks, no knives rule? Fuck me.
I should mention how this all came about. It started with a bath, a bottle of wine, a handful of sleeping pills, and a razor blade. The wine was lovely. The bath divine. The pills easy to swallow. And the razor blade? Well, it wasn’t as painful as I’d imagined. After that it was just a matter of sitting back, relaxing, and closing my eyes, looking forward to the first peaceful sleep I’d had in over a decade. Sweet oblivion…
Didn’t work out the way I’d planned it. Come on, for fuck’s sake, can’t I get a break just once?
Woke up in the ER. Kind of a familiar feeling, actually. Then three days in the psych ward. I wish I could have stayed longer. I’d always wanted to be McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s nest; "Who's the head bull-goose loony around here, bitches?” Bitches wasn't actually used in the movie, but I'm adding a little personal color in case someone from Orange is the New Black is reading this and looking for new talent.
One good thing did come about. I get to take drugs. I am supposed to take drugs. I have to take drugs. Did I mention that I like drugs? And drugs like me.
My feelings, though, that’s the subject here. I have few regrets in life. In fact, I’ll name them all, since I’m on the subject.
One: Missing my ex’s head with the wine bottle. I’m still fairly confident that, had my aim been better, I’d have done some serious damage, perhaps fatal.
Two: Not going to see the Foo Fighters at the Show Box last year when I’d scored a pair of comps (that’s free tickets passed on by someone in, or with, the band, for those of you not in the loop).
Three: Calling the cops instead of sitting in my car and bleeding to death after being one summer not so long ago. It would have, in retrospect, been so much easier than attempting to deal with the aftermath for the past two and a half years.
And Four: Not succeeding in killing myself.
Really, that’s it. Simple, short, and to the point.
What I’m really trying to say here is that if it had been a fucking cry for help, I’d have told someone and given them the chance to talk me out of it. It wasn’t. I was merely fed up with the nightmares. I was so tired of dealing with the fall out, day after day, night after night, that yes, killing myself seemed like a brilliant idea at the time.
So yeah, my feelings...
I am supposed to be sorry. I am supposed to regret trying to do something stupid like killing myself. I am supposed to make amends. That’s what I’m told. Sometimes I even buy into it. Mostly, I just sort of stare at things or contemplate the lint in my navel and try to eat salad with a spoon. My true feelings? I’d kill for a piece of cake right now.
“What did you learn from this?”
My therapist talking. She thinks that there are lessons in everything. My answer?
“Next time, cut vertically, not horizontally. Also, white wine goes much better with sleeping pills than red.”
I’m planning on working this into a comedy routine. I think I have a future.
I’m supposed to be writing about my feelings. I made the mistake of telling her I’m a writer. I didn’t mention that most of what I write is kind of… dirty. Really dirty. That Fifty Shades of Grey book? Children’s pabulum. I write smut. Proud of it, too.
My feelings? Seriously? Am I in high school or something? By the way, I’m not allowed to have knives or even forks. Eating cake is seriously impossible. Maybe I’m just not supposed to have cake and that’s why the no forks, no knives rule? Fuck me.
I should mention how this all came about. It started with a bath, a bottle of wine, a handful of sleeping pills, and a razor blade. The wine was lovely. The bath divine. The pills easy to swallow. And the razor blade? Well, it wasn’t as painful as I’d imagined. After that it was just a matter of sitting back, relaxing, and closing my eyes, looking forward to the first peaceful sleep I’d had in over a decade. Sweet oblivion…
Didn’t work out the way I’d planned it. Come on, for fuck’s sake, can’t I get a break just once?
Woke up in the ER. Kind of a familiar feeling, actually. Then three days in the psych ward. I wish I could have stayed longer. I’d always wanted to be McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s nest; "Who's the head bull-goose loony around here, bitches?” Bitches wasn't actually used in the movie, but I'm adding a little personal color in case someone from Orange is the New Black is reading this and looking for new talent.
One good thing did come about. I get to take drugs. I am supposed to take drugs. I have to take drugs. Did I mention that I like drugs? And drugs like me.
My feelings, though, that’s the subject here. I have few regrets in life. In fact, I’ll name them all, since I’m on the subject.
One: Missing my ex’s head with the wine bottle. I’m still fairly confident that, had my aim been better, I’d have done some serious damage, perhaps fatal.
Two: Not going to see the Foo Fighters at the Show Box last year when I’d scored a pair of comps (that’s free tickets passed on by someone in, or with, the band, for those of you not in the loop).
Three: Calling the cops instead of sitting in my car and bleeding to death after being one summer not so long ago. It would have, in retrospect, been so much easier than attempting to deal with the aftermath for the past two and a half years.
And Four: Not succeeding in killing myself.
Really, that’s it. Simple, short, and to the point.
What I’m really trying to say here is that if it had been a fucking cry for help, I’d have told someone and given them the chance to talk me out of it. It wasn’t. I was merely fed up with the nightmares. I was so tired of dealing with the fall out, day after day, night after night, that yes, killing myself seemed like a brilliant idea at the time.
So yeah, my feelings...
I am supposed to be sorry. I am supposed to regret trying to do something stupid like killing myself. I am supposed to make amends. That’s what I’m told. Sometimes I even buy into it. Mostly, I just sort of stare at things or contemplate the lint in my navel and try to eat salad with a spoon. My true feelings? I’d kill for a piece of cake right now.
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by Simmerdownchick
I think it's so brave of you to open yourself up like this. I have a very difficult time doing that, and so I usually only show a goofy side to most people. I struggle with depression and anxiety every day from a childhood filled with being bullied and about every form of abuse you could name (and yes, I know your'e a social worker, so you could probably imagine). Anyway, thank you so much for posting. I just found the thread and it's really nice to know that when I'm having a bad day I can come here for support. Anyway, enough now because I am not going to get water in my eyes...NOPE!
I REALLY LOVE THE SEMI COLON project.
P.S. I personally don't want to come off of my meds because they keep my stress, anxiety and panic attacks way down.
humor is how i deal a lot of the times. dark humor, often, but yeah, you have probably seen a lot of my posts in here where i'm just throwing stuff out there to be funny. it's a pressure valve. i actually have enough jokes that are in bad taste regarding my attempted suicide that i could do stand up. they're funny, too, though probably not very PC...
meds fuck me up in some ways, so i struggle with the balance of knowing when i am in a place i need that help and when i'm in a place when i am strong enough to go without - personally, i would rather be off them completely, but there have been times when i just needed that extra help... i still get the panic attacks from time to time, but i know how to weather them now. experience, really, is what works of me - i know how and when to ride the waves out. not the best system in the world, but we all deal with shit in our own ways.
an offer i throw out to anyone - if you're having a bad day, if you need to unload, if you just need someone to listen, and throwing it up here isn't enough, PM me or Black box me - i'm always invisible, it keeps me sane, but if i happen to be on line at the time, i will set aside things and listen and maybe even talk you down a bit if that's what you need. it's not a professional thing, it's just a community thing, a community being a group of people with similar interests and a commonality of experiences.
love and hugs,
rach