I never thought my life would turn into some twisted family secret, but here I am, Matthew, thirty years old, still living at home like a proper loser, ginger hair thinning on top more every day, and yeah, still a virgin with a dick that's barely average—more like underwhelming, really. Hardly fills my hand when I wank off alone in my room. My dad, Alan, is the spitting image in worse form: fifty-six, five-foot-nine like...