Quote by Pinkluva
Oh my goodness, I would have to say Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Quote by KatR
Passages like this: "To celebrate I invited her to dinner which she happily agreed to.We got along great her name is Rachel and she's from San Francisco so a fellow californian.She's studying biology and wants to become a nurse,which I found to be really cool.We also share the same interest in music and tv shows and she even plays video games like me.We spent the evening watching a movie and she got pretty close."

You could elaborate on the details. Where did you go to dinner? What kind of food? Did you drive there or romantically walk hand in hand? What small talk did you share to, from, and at dinner? How did you find out her taste in music and TV and games? What did you say? What did she say? What were you thinking and feeling? What was the mood, the atmosphere, as you discovered your shared tastes? What were you wearing? What was she wearing? Where did you guys go, or just in the apartment? What did your surroundings look like? It's the details that draw readers in and feel like part of the action.

You have a lot of places where you rush the details like in this example. Slow and erotic and descriptive makes for a better story, at least in my opinion.

Quote by clum
I've sent you a fully-edited version of your story.

Quote by LiquidMatthew
Thanks! Yeah, I've been having issues submitting longer stories lately, too. It just loads and loads and then goes to a General Error page.