Allen stood in line at the Cantina. It was too damn long. He hadn’t finished his coding assignment due at 3, and his buddy Eric wasn’t available to help. He’d have to squirrel away until the solution dripped out of his brain. Usually, he enjoyed schoolwork, but he couldn’t stop thinking about Justine’s email.

He opened it again.

Dear Allen, my sweet,

“Why does this greeting hit so sexy?” he wondered.

I’ve been silent about something. Here it is.

“Her tone. So firm and gentle at the same time. No apologies whatsoever.”

I have sort of a crush on someone named Bryce.

“The ‘sort of’ is cute, and not quite believable.”

He approached me and we flirted. He asked me to dance and we danced.

“There’s an edge here. ‘He…and we…, He…and we…’ She got swept up by his assertiveness.”

At one point, he lifted me up from my hips. I felt so light, and it was exciting, I have to admit.

“Here she gets into teasing me. His hands on her hips. Talk about staking his claim. The guy wasn’t holding back. He was holding hips! He held her there, and she let him. Maybe she felt another part of him, too. It pleased her a lot; too much. She has to admit it. HAS TO.”

Allen looked up for a second. “Is my boner visible in these jeans? Not that anyone in this line cares.”

I knew he wanted to kiss me, but I held back. Nothing else happened or is happening.

“She pulls back. After the hook is in her mouth.”

Except that he looks at me when we cross paths now and then, and I still feel attracted to him.

“They already have something with a life of its own.”

We chatted one time. He asked me out, and I told him about you and me. He just smiled and said, “Cool.”

“Now I’m in the mix. The high school sweetheart, far away. And the way she says, ‘he just smiled,’ awestruck by his confidence. I’m something for him to smile about. And maybe she’s smiling at me too.”

I thought it would send him away, but he keeps looking at me and saying hello sometimes.

“Oh, he won’t leave you alone, Justine. Because he feels how much you want him. You can’t wait for him to put his hands on your hips again. Maybe they’ll roam next time.”

I thought I should tell you. You can tell me how you feel about it, whatever you feel. I wanted to honor you with the truth.

“I don’t know if I feel honored. But I think you wondered if I would like it.”

Mike grabbed his enchilada and found an isolated seat. The chances of finishing that coding assignment were looking slim.

He wasn’t even hungry. He had a boner that wouldn’t quit, and sitting made it worse. So he got up and transferred his lunch to a carton and left the Cantina. Back to the shelter of his room. Where he would be free to do things.

He’d barely shut the door before unbuttoning his jeans and wriggling out of them. He made it to the bed without detour, phone in hand, and scrolled back to the email with his left thumb, propping himself up on one elbow. It was like finding a photo, a Polaroid, tucked in a textbook, except the nakedness here wasn’t even skin—it was the way she’d made the words do all the work.

He read the line about the dance again. Her hips. The way the guy had just lifted her. Bryce. She must have leaned into him. Melted into his muscular embrace.

He pulled down his boxers. This wasn’t jerking off to porn. His throbbing flesh was like some puppet delicately controlled by Justine’s fingers moving over her keyboard a thousand miles away. A happy goddamn puppet.

“Justine. What are you doing to me?”

*******

Allen’s mind wandered completely during the last half hour of class. He flipped open a blank page of his notebook.

My lovely Justine,

I’m grateful that you wrote me that. You are a wonderful writer when you set your mind to it.

As for how I feel...

It’s not simple. I feel like I’ve been in some process of losing you since we each left home. But only half losing you. I really didn’t know how this would be.

I hear a lot of things in what you wrote. Courage, honesty, care, affection, vulnerability… and desire.

It is so natural that you desire someone near you in real life. And Bryce is that guy. I wish I were him! I can only sit here wondering what you like about him. Maybe all men have to endure this feeling at some time or other.

Sometimes I regret that we didn’t go to the same school. But that’s the ache that I feel for you. Not just because of your absence, but also in the connection that we have now across the distance. The feelings are strange, and deep. It’s like the further you grow away from me, your branches and palms turning to the sunlight, the deeper your roots dig into my heart. Yikes, bad poetry.

I’m thinking about you in all of this. I know you’ve been staying in a lot, not venturing out. And I wonder if maybe you are afraid you will lose me if you go to parties and dance, make new friends, let your hair down. For all the jealousy and ache that I feel, it hurts me even more to think that you might be making yourself sad on my account. That’s not how life is supposed to be. If there’s any truth to what I’m saying, I hope you can decide to open yourself up to all that campus life has to offer. Even if that includes, well, Bryce.

I’m not asking you to date him. But I won’t ask you not to date him either. I really just want you to be free. Because I know that you are free already. Your letter is proof of that. If getting swept off your feet by Bryce is what your freedom desires at this time in your life, then I accept it.

You are very clear about the strength and persistence of this attraction. It sounds intensely physical. Maybe this is where beauty can be found. The bond that you and I now have is verbal and audio-visual. It is texts, emails, phone, video. Thoughts and feelings and stories. If your connection with Bryce is (largely) physical… maybe you have room in your life for both of us?

Let’s take time to figure this out. I have some things to figure out for myself. But I want you to know that I’m not pulling away from you. Not at all! I feel closer to you after your email.

Love, Allen

*******

Sandra settled into her chair and checked her schedule for the following day. There was Greg, Linda, Li Hao… and Justine.

Sandra’s eyes brightened. Justine was a fascinating creature. A tender bud ready to burst. But something was holding her back.

After all these years working in therapy, she had long given up trying to restrain her spontaneous intuitions about her clients. It didn’t matter how many books she read, or how much she consulted with her own mentor therapist. There was always going to be that voice in her head that rooted for the young woman, or the young man, to get down and start fucking. Get on with it. Get themselves laid. Make that voyage of Venus now, when the time is ripe. When people are least likely to get hurt.

Sandra stood up and went to the window. She reminded herself that she didn’t know Justine. Or Allen or Bryce. She didn’t know what should happen with anyone, or what would happen. She could only feel and intuit. Well, in this case, she intuited that Justine was on the verge of transformation. Maybe Sandra was just projecting her own story onto this sweet young girl. She certainly did have some great times back in college, especially freshman year. It didn’t mean that everyone else had to, or that they would.

She returned to the desk and opened Justine’s email from the day before.

Hi Sandra!

This is Justine. I hope it’s ok to write you. I wanted to fill you in on some things so that we’re both prepared for tomorrow’s session.

I did write to Allen, telling him about my crush on Bryce. And then he wrote me back. So here are both of those emails:

…

…

It’s been several days, and I still can’t believe this. Allen “doesn’t mind” if I date Bryce? Seriously WTF. I’m so confused. I honestly don’t know what I want, or what he wants. I know he says he can handle it or whatever, but can he really? And then I think about what I want. I mean, the sexual part of me really wants to get with Bryce.

But I haven’t done anything. Haven’t even seen him in like a week. I’m always scanning for him now, like some psycho predator. I want him to sneak up on me and touch my shoulders or something. And then I don’t even know what I should say to him. “Hey, Bryce! My long-distance boyfriend is cool with us having sex.” Of course, I won’t say that.

I don’t know if I should feel sorry for myself or if I’m a spoiled princess. If something did happen with Bryce, I can’t imagine ever telling my mom.

I just keep thinking about what you said, that the only thing that really matters is if I’m being honest with myself and Allen. I want to be, but I’m so mixed up. (I sometimes have dreams about both of them, and I wake up feeling ashamed and also excited. Which feels …perverted.

Thanks for reading all of this. See you soon.

Justine.

Sandra read it twice. She started a reply, erased it, started again.

Justine,

Thank you for the update—and for your honesty in sharing every last thought and worry. There is nothing “perverted” about what you wrote. In fact, it’s brave. I admire that you have the confidence to share. Your dreams are totally natural.

I want to focus our session tomorrow on what you want. Not what Allen wants (though that matters), and not what you imagine Bryce wants. You. Your words. Your desires. And we’ll treat them as real and legitimate, not just stuff to sweep under the rug in case Mom pops in for a surprise visit.

I want to hear everything you dare to share, and I hope you won’t hold back. If that means writing me an email update every day, do it. I will never judge, and I will always take you seriously. (Also, I have a lot of respect for your willingness to name the sexual side of all this, even when it feels wild or “perverted.”)

If you need to vent, go for it. If you need to rage or fantasize or worry or just dump out a stream of consciousness, I promise it’s all welcome.

See you soon, Sandra

She felt excited. Was her heart beating faster?

She hit send and slumped back in her chair. For a moment, she imagined what it was like to be nineteen again, heart in a blender, hormones lighting up like a Christmas tree. She couldn’t imagine how she would have handled herself if she had had Justine’s looks.

*******

When Justine entered Sandra’s office, she went to the window to take in the view. It was a bright sunny day.

“What a view!”

Sandra was pleased to see Justine looking happy. “Yeah, I love it. I guess I’m used to it now, but it adds a feeling of spaciousness that is very relaxing.”

Justine turned, smiled, and took her seat on the couch. She ran a hand through her hair and looked around the room, like she hadn’t seen it before.

“Justine, you seem different from how you were last time. More cheerful.”

Justine lifted her shoulders and raised her palms skyward, her lips pressed together in a half-smile that suggested she couldn't quite explain her own mood.

“I got an A on my English paper. And I met this girl Becca, who’s sort of the first person I can really relate to. I think we’ll be friends, or I hope we will.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful. Maybe college is starting to feel like a place where you can feel at home?”

“It feels more possible, I guess.” Her smile faded slightly, and she looked at the floor and back up at the window.

“I really liked your email, by the way. You write very clearly, and it helps me to learn more about you.” Sandra paused briefly. “So, does your mood today have anything to do with …Bryce?”

“Ohhhh, I guess so!” Justine’s eyes glowed in a bashful smile. “Yeah, he’s all right. We started texting yesterday, after I saw him outside the library. He was a little surprised when I walked over to him. He glared at his friends, and they sort of scattered. It was funny, actually.”

“Like he was telling them, hey, give me some room to talk to this cute girl?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

“Well, if it had been me in your situation, I imagine I would have felt kind of …flattered. Like I was a priority for him, and he wasn’t afraid to show it to his friends.”

“I see what you mean. It did make me feel good, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. My head was really swimming. I didn’t know what to say except, ‘hey, Bryce.’”

“And isn’t that enough? Just by taking the initiative to approach him, even when he was with his buddies, you were sending a strong signal of interest. Sort of, cashing in all those powerful glances he had been throwing your way for weeks, right?”

“Ha ha, yeah. He talked to me in this nice soft voice, so others couldn’t hear. And he stood close enough to remind me what he smells like. He had on this shirt, buttoned down, with the sleeves up a little. The only thing I didn’t so much care for were his bright orange sneakers, but okay.”

“Oh, yikes!” They broke into a laugh that felt like friendship. Justine couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed so naturally. It took the edge off her nerves, all but erased the internal gusts of shame. Sandra’s laugh was a snorting cackle, very endearing. It was like talking to a cool aunt, if she had one.

“So what happened next?”

“Bryce asked if I wanted to walk with him.” Justine plucked at her jeans, rolling a fold of denim between her thumb and index finger. “So we rounded the quad. I was nervous at first. He said it took him a while to get used to school last year when he was a freshman. And that was sweet. He said I was looking happier.”

“Isn’t it nice when a guy notices your mood, or just anything specific about you?”

“Totally. I appreciated that.”

“It means that he’s paying attention to you, because he’s interested.”

“You think so?”

“Definitely. The tricky part is that, until you get to know him as a person, you won’t necessarily know what his aims are. To really get to know you, in a relationship sort of way. Or if it’s more about…”

“Yeah.”

“Exactly.” Again, they shared a little laugh. Justine noticed some excitement in Sandra’s eyes.

“Bryce put his hand on my back at one point, when we were walking. That was such a thrill! And I didn’t hide it very well. But I didn’t really want to. Or need to, you know?”

“It sounds like you were letting yourself be more open?”

Justine bobbed her head, ponytail shifting. “Yeah, it was kind of a relief. I think I was scared, not about him, really, but about myself.”

“Scared of what?”

“I guess, of not knowing what I would actually do. If I would want more.”

“Because of Allen, right?”

Justine took a deep breath. “Yes. And that’s what I want to talk about today. This whole situation with Bryce over here, and Allen over there.” Sandra smiled when she gestured as if they were in different parts of the room.

“That’s well said. And how are things with Allen right now? Those emails that you shared with me were really …intense.”

Justine was beginning to like the way Sandra flared her eyebrows when something interested her. Or maybe, turned her on a bit?

“Yeah, you’re telling me. Allen is …um… still being super ‘understanding’ about my interest in Bryce. And my feelings about that are all over the place.”

“I can imagine they would be,” Sandra. “Can you say more about those feelings?”

“Well, obviously, I’m excited about the Bryce part. I just don’t know what is going to happen with Allen. Can he really …not be jealous? I imagine that he is just hiding his jealous feelings from me, for my sake. Maybe he’s even angry about it. But he doesn’t show any of that. He keeps telling me that it’s ok, it’s ok. He doesn’t really want to talk about his feelings.”

“Ok,” said Sandra. “I see why that bothers you. It’s like he’s holding back. You wish he would just tell you what he was feeling, instead of taking care of you?”

“Yes! That’s what I want. I want him to get mad. Or jealous. Or just say how it really makes him feel,” Justine said, with more heat than she expected. “It’s like, I’m already the one cheating if I even like another guy, and he’s just, I don’t know, blessing it. It makes me feel so weird.”

Sandra’s eyes glimmered behind her glasses. “You’re not cheating, Justine. Not even close. But I can hear how it’s confusing.”

Justine swallowed and looked around the room. “Being apart is so hard. I probably need to talk to him on the phone more often. Every now and then, I get the feeling that he is turned on by the idea of me and Bryce. You know, like, a ‘cuckold’ fantasy?” Justine felt herself flush again. She finally said it. The thing that was floating around the center of all of it.

Sandra nodded slowly and tilted her head slightly. “Well, I’m glad you named it, because I didn’t want to have to!”

“Oh!” Justine laughed in shock and felt slightly silly. “So, it was... obvious to you, from his email, that he has a cuckold fantasy?”

“Or really probable. I was quite struck by things he wrote in his email. That you were ‘driving deeper roots into his heart,’ or something? I remember that he ended by saying that he felt closer to you. Because you wrote to him about Bryce, that doesn’t sound to me like a guy who wants to break up with you. But what do you think?”

“Oh. Well, maybe …I just don’t understand the ‘cuckold’ thing. It seems like guys who want to feel humiliated. It’s hard to imagine a relationship with Allen that is based on his feeling humiliated. Maybe you know more about this than I do.”

“It’s quite amazing, actually, how men have cuckold desires and fantasies,” Sandra replied. “And very complex. I don’t think the main thing is humiliation, although for some it might be. There’s just a lot of evidence now that some men, and quite a few men, have a deep desire to see their … girlfriend, or wife, or partner, experience a pleasure that they can never give. With another man.” Sandra smiled, then bit her lip in a way that suggested she was holding back a long, complicated thought.

Justine felt a wave of curiosity and fascination. “And they’re not jealous?”

“Jealousy and control are obviously a big thing with a lot of men. The ones who feel a need for authority and power in the relationship. Or if they just need to have monogamy for whatever reason. Good reasons, mostly. But then, there are other men, and maybe Allen is one of them, who either learn to manage their jealousy, or only feel it to a small degree, or even, they eroticize it.”

“What does that mean, they eroticize it?”

“Do you mind if I get really biological about it?”

“No, please do.”

“Well. A man’s instinct is to deposit his semen inside the woman, right?” She hesitated. “Am I being too crude here?”

Justine smiled. “No.”

“And if they know that she is copulating with another man, their bodies often go into overdrive, making more and more sperm, and triggering all the mechanisms of arousal. So that, according to one theory, they can also copulate with her and maybe improve their chances of impregnating her.” Justine paused to take a breath. She had been talking quickly and seemed to gather herself.

Justine’s eyes narrowed. Sandra could tell that Justine was not only soaking it up, but sifting it in her mind. Bright girl, she thought.

“And how,” Justine asked, “does that make them … enjoy the competition from the other guy?”

“Well, we don’t really understand that, I think. But it’s like a switch in their conscious mind gets flipped, and they recognize the idea of the other man as a positive stimulant, not just to desire, but to pleasure as well. Does that make sense?”

“I think so.”

“I hope we’re not getting away from your situation, with Bryce and Allen. But it might be worth exploring with Allen if he harbors any desires or fantasies about you being with Bryce. He might feel ashamed, or just shy. Society doesn’t really encourage men to have those feelings or to feel good about them.”

“I see,” Justine said. “I guess it’s weird, but maybe not so weird.” She felt a heat in her cheeks. The idea that Allen might actually want her to be with another guy was at once liberating and embarrassing. There were so many tangled motives abuzz in her chest, she almost laughed. “I don’t even know what I would do with that. Like, if Allen wanted it to happen.”

For a moment, Sandra quietly studied Justine’s expression and body language. “I suppose you could do anything you wanted.” Justine locked eyes with Sandra, and an understanding passed between them.

“And he would like it?” Justine was actually turned on at this point.

“And he would love it. Maybe.”

“Fuck!”