If you're faced with an erection
and you don't know what to do,
I've had a little think
and I've got some ideas for you.

You could use it as a mug tree.
you can use it to roll dough.
You could use it as a stopper
for your bottle of Bordeaux.

You could use it to hang towels on
after having a hot shower.
You could use it as a sundial
casting shadows on the hour.

You could use it as a rudder
if you find yourself at sea.
You could use it a stirrer
for your boiling cup of tea.

You could use to hold donuts
or some crispy onion rings.
You could use it to hold hair bands,
or those funny scrunchy things.

You could use it to hold loo roll,
or a poker for the fire,
You could use it to keep rhythm
while you practice with the choir.

You could use it as a ruler,
underlining things in class.
Or you could just be quite crude
and stick the thing right up your arse.