My teen years

Who am I? I am scared to share my feelings. I feel less than. I am often sad.

If I bring home a "B" from school, I am punished. If I falter in one of my chores, I am punished. If I express an opinion instead of silently obeying, I am punished. 

The worse thing I endure is the disappointment in my parent's eyes when I fall short of perfection. If I am not perfect, I am a failure. 

Feeling like you can't live up to something does not produce a happy person. The bright spot in my life is the circus. I remember when I first saw the clowns. I noticed right away how happy they were. Their faces were painted in frowns, but they exuded happiness. And I noticed when they stumbled, they hopped right back up laughing. Their clown friends laughed when they fell off their bicycle or dropped something. No one scolded them. There was no sign of disappointment on their painted faces. I fell in love with clowns during my first circus.

My tears flow before he even starts. I am seventeen years old, about to be paddled by Father.

I lay in wait, crying.

"Be smack a smack good smack girl smack. Be smack a smack good smack girl smack. Be smack a smack good smack girl smack."

Father walks out of my bedroom, still tightly gripping the paddle. As soon as the door shuts, I roll over clutching my pillow sobbing.

After my humiliating punishment, I head to the bathroom and start my bath. I was just caught wearing makeup, considered trashy by my parents at seventeen, but I spy my mother's lipstick on the counter by the sink, and an idea pops into my head. Picking up her lipstick, I paint a circle on my nose tip, and carefully outline my downturned lips in a huge smile.

Up until now, it has been hard for me to look in the mirror. I guess it is shame and self-consciousness... always fearing I will mess up. But now, I like what I see. I stand there staring into the mirror for so long, my bathwater runs cold. My mind turns to clowns.

~~~

My college years

Being raised with sharp criticism and judgment takes its toll on a person. If you feel like you can never live up, you might quit trying. This is what happens to me in college. Safely out of their grasps and watchful eyes, I run wild. My roommate introduces me to alcohol. And you know alcohol can become a great escape, deadening your pain. The problem is when you sober up, your pain returns stronger than ever. It's like pain knows you tried to stifle it - it doesn't want to be stifled.

At the fraternity party, I am buzzing from my rum shots and we are playing Fuck, Marry, or Kill. It is my turn. With inhibitions lowered, I blurt out, "Fuck, marry, or kill Krusty the Clown, Bozo, or Pennywise." 

Everyone pauses then laughs saying I have had too much to drink. No one answers my question. Just so you know, I would fuck Pennywise, marry Bozo, and kill Krusty. But no one wants to know my answer. I proceed to get trashed, feeling very alone.

I wake up in my dorm room, still wearing the clothes from the night before. I can't recall anything that happened last night after we were playing games, and it scares me. I don't drink another drop from that day forward. I discover porn to replace alcohol.

Lucky for me, clowns are in style right now. Gone are the silly, goofy clowns - make way for the creepy clowns. Movies and haunted houses now feature dark clowns, evil and terrifying. So, an effect is a rise in clown porn. Oh, it's out there. Google it. I discover my sexual side watching clown porn - hours and hours of clown porn. Clowns' don't-give-a-shit attitude further attracts me to them. They have confidence and make sex fun with lots of different toys - inhibitions are left at the door. They paint their faces, wear crazy wigs, sport baggy, colorful, unconventional clothing. And of course, their red noses turn me on like nothing else in this world. I want to have sex with a clown.

I am told I am attractive, but I do not date. My reasons for not dating are two-fold: I can't shake my feelings of inadequacy in other's eyes and I am more attracted to clowns than everyday boys. My parents would be shocked beyond belief at my clown obsession. 

~~~

My young adult years

Stephen King's clown movie, It, comes out at our local movie theater. During its stint at the theatre, I buy a ticket every Wednesday afternoon when I get off work and go see this movie. My routine never changes. I bring a jacket and sit in my comfy reclining chair somewhere isolated in the theater. No need for popcorn, as my fingers will be busy. I edge myself over and over.

Under the cover of my jacket, my fingertips gently stroke my clit ... not too hard or fast to stay my orgasm. My fingers rarely venture inside my pussy. His appearance arouses me beyond words. The scenes on the big screen become scenes of him touching me, probing me, licking me, and then fucking me. His red nose attracts me the most.

I know which scene to turn up the pressure. I need to cum at just the right time when his face turns and looks directly at me. Strumming harder, harder, harder, my hips lift up and I cum. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! My bottom doesn't touch my seat again until the waves stop. 

I am always the last one out of the theatre, not wanting my time with him to be over. 

I am invited to a friend's apartment for her surprise thirtieth birthday party. Clown phobias have become mainstream. I seemingly exist alone in my coulrophilia. My friend's roommates arrange for a clown to come to her party to freak her out. She has a huge clown phobia.

Upon hearing a knock at the door, I walk over to open it. Stunned at the sight before me, I stand motionless. Others rush over to usher him into the apartment. My friend screams in terror as he enters the room. Everyone else cheers and laughs. A living, breathing clown has entered the apartment, just a few feet from me. He immediately seeks out the birthday girl and sings her happy birthday.

While she is still running around yelling about how freaked out she is, he grabs a chair from the kitchen table and sets it in the middle of the room. He bends down to pull a large plastic toy flyswatter out of his brown bag. He loudly exclaims he came to give the birthday girl her spanking.

The clown sits in the chair, patting his lap, while friends drag her over to him. She still squeals and protests. He pulls her over his lap and gives her a spank with his flyswatter. While she hollers, I flinch. He swats her again and again, intending to count up to thirty. My upper body jerks as my shoulders scrunch together with each of the first five swats. Scenes from my childhood rush into my head, and I flee the apartment. My beloved clown is punishing my friend.

I see him walk down the stairs as I sit alone on the bench outside the apartment. I can't stop looking at him, his bright orange hair, painted white face, purple painted teardrops, black eyeliner, red circled mouth, and of course red nose. 

He says, "Hi," as he walks by. I reply with an obsessed stare.

After a few steps, he pauses and turns around and walks back to me.

Unable to speak, I continue to stare at him.

"You okay, babe? I noticed you flinching as I gave your friend her birthday spanking. You know I wasn't hurting her, right?"

"I know," I say softly.

"Wow, babe. What's wrong?" he says sitting down beside me. "You can tell me."

I can't help staring at his baggy clown pants, wondering what size cock lurks inside. I long for his red nose, just a foot from me, to touch me somewhere - anywhere.

"I love clowns," I say softly.

"You do? That is unusual nowadays. Most people are fucking terrified of us. I love clowns too, which is why I picked up this little side gig. I have one tomorrow where I get to cream pie people. Now that is fun!"

I shiver in arousal. One of my favorite clown porn videos involves a clown cream pieing a pussy and then licking every drop off her. I would love for a clown to cream pie me.  I would love to cream pie him.

We continue talking and a connection is made. In an amazing turn of events, I end up at his apartment.

~~~

Later that night, straight from the clown's red-painted mouth

When we walk into my apartment, my new, shy friend immediately gravitates to all of my clown props stored in the living room. You can get away with a lot when you are a clown, so I ask with a smirk and my best clown voice, “So, you want to inspect my equipment?”

Without hesitation, she replies, “Well, clown gear always does seem to be very large.”

Then she puts her hand over her mouth with a little bit of embarrassment, but we both have a good laugh and I pull the gag where my tie pops straight up into the air causing her to raise her eyebrows. I start to show her some of the props that I use for various gags. Then I tell her that sometimes I am invited to clown at adult-themed parties which require a more erotic approach.

“Really?”

She is intrigued.

“Yes, for example…” I take the pump that I use to air balloons and hold it at my crotch fitting a purple balloon onto the tip. Then I pump air into the balloon in a way that looks like I am masturbating as the long thin balloon takes shape and curves upward, simulating an erection. I have her laughing as I moan loudly pumping the balloon up faster. Just as I scream, “Oh fu-“ the balloon pops loudly at the climax of my simulated orgasm, and she squeals before bursting out in more laughter.

“Oops, that was premature.” 

I begin stroking, uh, pumping up a second balloon that I tie off like normal. But instead of making the typical puppy, I twist the bottom of the balloon into a pair of testicles, the top for a glans and take a marker to draw a small slit at the tip.

“I’ll be you have never had someone make a penis balloon for you before, have you?”

“No, I haven’t.”

Since this is a first, I take the marker and write on the side of it, 'Carli’s penis.' “You can do all kinds of things with it.” I put it up to her lips, “You can suck it.” I place it between her breasts, “You can titty-fuck it.” 

“Or,” I walk around behind her and reaching around her hips I hold the balloon at her crotch, “you can wear it as your own cock.”

She laughs as she looks down at the purple erection curving upward from her pelvis. I pull her toward me, and her curvy hips press against my body. I push forward to make her hips move in a fucking motion, while the purple penis bobs up and down. “See, you can even stroke it,” as I pump my fist up and down the long rubber shaft.

My baggy pants allow me to go without underwear, so she can feel my own full erection pushed against her ass. She leans into me and turns her head and I meet her lips, and we both giggle as my bulbous nose presses against her cheek.

Now we are all hands, pulling off clothes and falling onto the couch in a mass of erect cock, erect nipples, and wet pussy. I kiss my way down her chest and rub my clown nose around on her nipples. It’s as if I have flipped some mysterious erotic switch in Carli’s psyche and she squirms and moans as if she is going to have an orgasm. My red nose can’t help but touch her breasts as I kiss and suck her nipples, then rub my nose over them again which seems to send jolts of electricity through her body.

Then I kiss my way down between her thighs and nuzzle my nose into the folds of her vagina. Her juicy slit is dripping as I run my tongue up between her lips and push it into her pulsating pussy. Her hips start to thrust against my face as my tongue explores the walls of her pussy and she grabs both sides of my head pressing into my orange wig to keep me tighter against her tasty snatch.

I replace my tongue with two fingers and start licking and sucking her swollen clit while she fucks my fingers and tongue. I feel the wave starting to build inside of her and she lets out a loud exclamation, “Oh, oh, oh, oh yes, fuck, fuck, yes!!!!" Her luscious pussy explodes with tasty, wet fluid that floods over my tongue and lips.

As she comes down from her orgasm, I climb on top of her and put my throbbing cock at the entrance to her velvet chamber and push my way in. Her body seems to be vibrating as I begin to rapidly thrust into her. Carli’s moans and widely spread legs inviting me to fuck faster and harder until I feel the buildup beginning, my balls tightening, and, “Oh fuck, fuck, fuck yes!”

Carli is riding another wave of orgasm as I slam my cock deep inside her burning cunt to shoot stream after stream of cum before we collapse into each other’s arms. Nestled together, I touch my red nose against hers and she giggles.

“You really like that, don’t you?”

“Yes, I like it a lot.”

My cock slips out of her as I stand up and rustle through my clown gear, coming back to raise her up to sit on the couch. Before long Carli has a red outline drawn around her mouth, rosy red cheeks, blue circles surrounding her eyes and her own red nose.

“Do you know the secret of being a clown?”

She shakes her head.

“It’s not the makeup or the props. It’s the attitude. You see, all the props do is give you the space that you need to have a carefree attitude. All that matters is the moment that you are in, and you are free to bring joy to that moment.”

“I’ve never felt very free before.”

I frown. “That’s a shame. I have a clown friend who uses the name Carli because it means a woman of freedom. I tweak her nose. “So now you can feel free. But we need to have the initiation.”

“The what?!”

“Don’t worry, it’s all fun.” I leave the room for a moment and return telling her to close her eyes and lie on her back. Then I raise her legs up into the air and spread them wide. Splat! She shrieks as the cold cream pie splatters all over her pussy and abdomen.

“Damn. Somebody needs to clean this up!” I start to lick up the cream, spreading some up to her tits and licking it off her nipples before going back down to her pussy to enjoy the delicious dessert of cunt-flavored pie. She builds up to an orgasm that is better than the first as her body jolts with pleasure while she wraps her thighs tightly around my head.

Then she notices that there is another cream pie on the table. “It’s your turn!” 

Splat! 

My cock is covered with cream that she rubs all over my balls and all the way up to my nipples. She slowly licks my balls clean, sensually licks and sucks my cock and flicks her tongue across my nipples to clean them. Then she goes to work on my cock, rolling her tongue around the tip and down the shaft. She licks my balls again while stroking her cream-covered fist up and down. She keeps tickling my balls and squeezing them while stroking me. I’m squirming all over and suddenly a fountain of cum erupts all over my abdomen and down the shaft of my cock. Carli starts licking up the mixture of cum and cream.

Suddenly we slip off of the couch and crash onto the floor in a tangled heap of naked bodies, cum, and cream pie laughing like little children with our bodies sliding back and forth against one another.

~~~

A year later

Ronald and I are seriously dating. Yes, his name is really Ronald. I know, right? He is no relation to Ronald McDonald.

What's new with me? Well, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I work clown events with him. We enjoy sex as clowns. We enjoy vanilla sex too. I am free to be myself around him. He taught me how to be myself and have fun... real fun... for the first time in my life.

I accept I am not perfect.

I love clowns.

I am a good girl.