August 28th,

Dear Diary, 

It's been a long while and much has happened since my last entry. During my months away, I did many foolish things with a man I now wish I had never met. Where love once blossomed, flames of hatred are now fanned so hot that I can feel them burning those who do love me. Especially Darci. 

She knows how defiled and violated I feel, since I couldn't bear the thought of hiding the truth from her. I've hurt her with my decision to be weak and gave myself to someone who only saw my affection as an opportunity to use me, but despite her pain and distrust she continues to be so dedicated and supportive. I am increasingly bombarded with amazement for her, followed by the questions of why I have yet to be able to give myself to her as wholeheartedly as she deserves. 

I keep going back to my time with him. I keep thinking about how hopeful I felt in that moment and how... happy I was. I truly thought that he loved me. The very word makes it hard to swallow and churns my stomach into a threat of upheaval. I can not understand how I could be so naive and stupid. Why I didn't see the signs and why I didn't trust in my own intuition. I knew any affections that he may have had would diminish, I could feel it as we sat together with our hands entwined, and yet I still gave myself. I knew it was wrong, but somehow I tricked myself into thinking that he was mine and that we were meant to be here and be together as we were. I gave in to the obsession without a care for anyone else in the world and shame is nowhere near a strong enough description to the torment that I have brought upon myself. 

I can still feel his fingertips trailing over my skin and feel him pushing inside me, every memory even more haunting each time it comes forth.

No one should have to feel like they aren't good enough and that's what I've done to Darci. The knowledge of her pain kills me and it only adds to the punishment of my stupidity. I have so many mixed emotions and helplessness seems to be one of the most prominent. I watch Darci as she sleeps next to me, fighting the urge to wrap my arms around her and try to make it right but I feel so incapable of anything. 

I feel lost. Like the world around me is dark and I continue to struggle to turn on the light. I don't know which way to turn, which emotions to handle first or how to even express a single one. I'm more overwhelmed than I have ever been and the only thing I want is for it all to stop, but I don't know where to start to gain control again...

Melinda Chevalier