Seated at the bus-stop two bored-looking middle-aged men look on as the sky-blue intercity bus rolls to a halt. But for them and the pastel-colored bus, the road and sidewalk are largely deserted at this time of day - a scene emblematic of the quiet suburban town at large in the midst of covid. 

An elegant-looking young woman dressed in a minimal zebra skin full-sleeve crop top and denim shorts steps down from the bus in the blazing hot afternoon sun. Suddenly the men look less bored. Their eyes lit up with sparks of excitement are now drawn with magnetic effect towards the fashionable-looking visitor – to her toned sexy midriff, to the locks of her dark blonde hair trickling down her back and down the sides of her innocent face now half covered in a peach face mask. She places a black cowboy hat on her head, angling it down over her scarlet sunglasses that shield a pair of brilliant grey eyes. Catching the men staring at her, she gives a shy nod and walks ahead, a large blue traveling case in tow. 

She walks for a few minutes until coming to a halt upon the porch of a small suburban house on a side lane. She checks the address on her phone and confirms that this is indeed the place rented by her brother Scott. She takes off her mask, takes a deep breath and rings the bell. A young man dressed in a soccer team-branded t-shirt and shorts opens the door.

                                                                           ***

Scott gives his older sister a hug and ushers her in. They step inside a minimally decorated, modern living room with a couch facing a wall-mounted TV. On the far side is an open kitchen with an island counter. 

“Good to see you, Jen,” Scott tells her with almost an air of formality, to which Jenni smiles and after a pause says, “You too, Scott.”

She plonks herself down on one corner of the sofa as though exhausted. Scott perches on the other end. 

“Nice hat,” he observes trying to break the ice. 

“You think?” Jenni says, her face sparkling into a smile, “I bet if mom and dad saw me now, they’d say I look like a slut, huh?”

Too much, too soon, thinks Jenni with alarm as soon as she catches the look in his eyes. 

“Yeah, I guess,” says Scott at length with a nervous laugh. 

A few moments pass before he adds, “You know it doesn’t always matter what they think. I mean, not about everything.”

“Oh, I guess you’re right,” says Jenni, adding after a brief pause, “Thank you, Scott.”

***

He is twenty-one, she is twenty-four. Not much difference in terms of age but Jenni has always been the protective, wiser older sister to her shy younger brother.

When they stayed together she was always the more outgoing of the two. That was until she decided to get into adult entertainment as a performer. A choice that went down as badly with their parents as might be expected.

Jenni spent two years apart from her family. There was no meeting, hardly any phone calls. With her brother however, she managed to keep in touch over social media, though it was never the same as before. She knew him better than to think he was ashamed of her. Yet she never really felt like she knew what he thought about her choices and their consequences on their family.

In her own world, Jenni was doing well. Not earning as much as her more adventurous colleagues but still more than she had expected to at the time of leaving home. She was happy to be working by doing things she felt comfortable with and enjoyed. Then covid hit. Work stopped. She needed a place she could retreat to. There was no going back to her parent’s house. Thankfully she knew Scott had rented out a place on his own for a break year before continuing with higher studies. He told her he was only too happy to be able to host her for as long as she liked.

***

When she looks at him now she can see that he has filled out a bit from his previously skinny self. He has always had a cute look in his face, his hair the same dark blonde as hers. The years have now added a masculine charm to his cuteness, she thinks.

On and off throughout her journey she has wondered as to how she might approach talking about the reality of her life with her brother in a way that is neither awkward nor disingenuous. What she has not anticipated is that he would be the one to take the initiative, albeit in a shy manner, and tell her that he is proud of her for making brave choices in her life to suit what she wants for herself. That he thinks he should have made plans to meet and properly reconnect with her much sooner than this. That he is sorry for not having done that.  

“Look whose taking care of whom now,” says Jenni mid-conversation wiping a tear from one eye. On the surface, this seems easily earned but they both know it is borne out of a first genuine conversation after her life-changing decision more than two years back.

It is evening and they are seated together on the couch in the afterglow of heartfelt and wholesome conversation, sipping gin cocktails that Jenni learns Scott has developed a penchant for making. Now changed into a homely top and pyjamas and perched comfortably against the sofa armrest with a drink in her hand Jenni feels more at ease in her brother’s familiar yet rediscovered company than she has with anyone else in years.

Feeling emboldened by prior conversation and alcohol, she tells him, “So, umm… I wanted to sort of ask… not to make things super awkward, but if I knew and it was out in the open then maybe we could get past it in an honest way, you know? Does that make sense?”

“Honestly? No.”

“I just wanted to ask if you’ve watched my stuff.”

“Oh.”

“I wish it was something I didn’t need to know, but I feel like this is the kind of thing that will eventually come up or come between, you know? I’m really not trying to make things weird.”

“Oh no, you’re alright,” Jenni can tell that this overarching topic is something Scott does find a little squeamish to talk about but one he honestly seems to want to try and engage with for her sake.

“I haven’t, Jen. Of course,” he says looking at her before looking away and adding, “And even if I was creepily trying to spy on your life, I wouldn’t know what to search with anyway.”

“Oh,” says Jenni realizing suddenly, “I didn’t mean it like that Scott, I’m sorry. I don’t know why it bothered me to need to ask. And it’s ‘Secret_Elle’.”

“Oh.”

“And I didn’t need to say that.”

Pause.

“It’s a good name,” says Scott at last.

***

A couple of days pass and cohabiting the same apartment between the two of them becomes normal and comfortable at an alarming speed. This is how Jenni sees it. Curious, she thinks, why’d I think of this word? What is so ‘alarming’ about becoming so comfortable sharing space with a person without having anticipated it?

They share pleasant conversations reminiscing about the past as well as sharing their respective experiences of the covid period, about feelings of doom and existential dread, and a renewed desire to cling onto things that feel familiar and pleasant.  

On the morning of the third day she musters the courage and asks him, “You know how I appreciate you letting me crash with here, right?”

“Sure Jen,” he says with a quizzical look in his eyes, sipping from a mug of coffee.

“Well, I want to contribute. And I do want and need to earn. So umm… I was wondering if you’d be ok with me like working from home?”

“You mean like…”

“Just me and a couple of cameras,” says Jenni quickly, “I’d say I’d only do it when you were out but haha,” she gives a nervous mock laughter gesturing to the deserted world outside through the nearest window.

“And I’ll only do it late at night after you’ve gone to bed. And you don’t have to worry, it’s nothing crazy, just me in front of a camera and… you know?”

“Yeah.”

“Wait, of course you know,” says Jenni as though realizing something.

“What?”

“You don’t have to look alarmed Scott,” Jenni suddenly feels on familiar grounds even if it is her brother in front of her, “Guys your age watch porn all the time, I get it. Hell, my career wouldn’t make any sense if no one watched porn. I just wanted to know you understood the kind of thing I was going to do in the living room of your place.”

“Yeah,” says Scott gingerly, “Yes, I understand.”

“So you watch that kind of porn then?”

“Hey now, that wasn’t the subject,” says Scott making an attempt at mild protest.

“Maybe you even prefer the homemade kind of porn, hmm?” she says looking as though on the brink of breaking into teasing laughter.

“Common now Jen, let’s both be mature about this,” Scott says with somewhat forced composure.  

“I’m only fucking with you man,” she says giggling and patting him playfully on the chest, “So typical of you to be shy talking about enjoying porn. Most guys brag about what they like to watch, you know.”

“Yeah,” says Scott, “Most guys. Anyway, you’re cool to work here. And if you want… uh, you can take the extra floor lamp from my room. That kind of light is better for the camera than the top light in this room.”

Jenni smiles, “Sure, I’ll do that.”

***

 It started with hearing her late at night while being in bed, Scott thinks back to the first couple of nights his sister began working in their living room. On further reflection he corrects himself and wonders if the seeds of this strange, icky yet warm feeling were not born as early as the moment he had seen and embraced her at his doorstep.

Her soft and sincere moans of pleasure were never too frequent nor loud but they made their way inside his room and surrounded him as he lay on the bed trying to sleep. They cocooned him within an embrace of a wholly new, nervous excitement – a feeling of consuming a drink or joint that was spiked with some unholy substance.

They progressed across small conversations that initially took place by chance and later inevitably by deliberation.

***

“Oh sorry, I thought you were done for the night. I just needed to go the bathroom.”

“I was just changing the camera ang… it’s ok Scott, just forget what you saw,” says Jenni putting her top hastily back on.

“Wait,” she says, “what do you mean you thought I was done for the night?”

“Oh,” Scott is immediately uncomfortable, “It’s just that I didn’t hear you for a while, so.”

“Scott! I didn’t think you could…”

“It’s fine!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think I was being loud.”

“It’s fine, Jen.”

***

“Oh hey, Jen,” says Scott opening his bedroom door.

“Hey, didn’t wake you did I?”

“No, I was just reading.”

“So I remembered what you said about lighting a shot the other day and umm… wondered if you could come have a look? Just to check the frame and lighting and then you could leave before I started.”

“Oh umm…”

“You’re uncomfortable, leave it.”

“No, um… yeah let’s go.”

***

Things progress swiftly from there. That night Scott sets the lights and surroundings as per what he thinks is best and then retreats for the night. It is several hours before he can get to sleep.

The next day Jenni broaches a topic that she thinks the two of them have slowly grown into being able to talk about. She asks him if he will help her make her videos better by ‘using the camera on her while she worked’ instead of having it locked in one place.

There is immediate awkwardness and a mutual agreement to never bring up the subject again. They hardly talk the entire day. But late at night when it is time he comes out of his room and says he will help. He only looks shy and meek, thinks Jenni, but there is a quiet confidence about him nonetheless, an unknown glimmer in his eyes. No regular, young man agrees to do what he just has. There is more to his outwardly shy personality than he lets on.

“These are the camera settings and lighting you set last time, why are you changing them?” she asks sitting on the couch in front of the camera wearing a cute peach crotchet crop top and a white printed pyjamas.

“I didn’t think clearly last time,” says Scott cooly, “Only just realised I shouldn’t set them for the colour of your top but that of your skin.”

“Oh. Right, of course.”

It is not as if he isn’t shy, thinks Jenni, but he is somehow managing to be who he is right now despite it. A choice we are both making.

When she starts talking to the camera, Scott watches her on the viewfinder. He has been dreading the worst but when she speaks she sounds entirely natural. She speaks to the camera casually, just as she does in life.

She tells her viewers how she has read their comments and requests and that while she is interested in exploring some of them, she will not be able to do much in the near future. Casting a quick glance at Scott behind the camera, she tells them about her present situation without giving out names and addresses, about how with covid hitting the country she is now crashing at her brother’s place. She adds that she does still get horny every night and she would be only too happy to welcome them to watch while she got herself off.

There is a candid nature to how she addresses the camera that Scott has scarcely seen in adult videos. The honesty of what she chooses to speak makes her almost endearing to watch and listen to.

When she proceeds to take off her top, Scott cannot help but look up from the viewfinder and stare. She peels it off across the swell of her pretty, full breasts and over her shoulders. She has no bra underneath. Her light colored nipples are stiff, jutting outwards. Seated upright and topless, she looks extremely fit. And beautiful, thinks Scott.

Even within the situation they are in the idea seems utterly absurd to him – the feeling that her quietly earnest blue eyes are looking through the camera lens directly at him. It is probably just my imagination. She is just good at her job, he thinks. But those who are doing a good job do not hesitate and look nervous while doing it. She does, even as she takes off her skirt. A lot of what she does to herself in the following minutes she does with the same look in her eyes – a look that had not been there when she was talking to her viewers at the start. Yes, I’m convinced of it, thinks Scott, slowly pushing the camera closer to her face as she sighs deeply from the effects of slipping two of her fingers in through her glistening wet, pink pussy lips. She is looking at me.  

***

The following day they prepare and eat a light breakfast together while making regular conversation. It is nevertheless clear to both that something has changed between them. It is lies in the casual brushing of shoulders and hands as they work in the kitchen, the nature of the glances one casts to the other when it seems they are not looking, the pauses, and the clear deliberation made in order to create feasibly normal conversation. It is something that cannot be measured, yet is all the more palpable for it.

Jenni is dressed in the same pair of printed white pyjamas and peach crotchet crop top that she had worn for the video the previous night. She catches Scott casting several quick glances at her face and her exposed midriff when he thinks she is not watching.

Once they wash up and sit back down at the dining table with no apparent individual plans, it is Scott who brings up the previous night for the first time.

“What are you thinking?” Asks Jenni seeing him staring into space.

“About last night… it’s probably not okay to tell you this but I think you’re actually good,” he says.  

“Oh?”

“Hm.”

“No, it’s not okay to tell me at all. Go on.”

“You were right, I have watched… videos…well porn, alright. I like the casual homemade kind of stuff, where it seems all genuine. I know what those are like. So umm… compared to your peers let’s say, you’re good.”

Jenni smiles to herself but neither speak for a while.

“Thank you,” she says eventually. She wants to ask him what makes him think the she is good as he put it, but asks instead, “So you wanna tell me? About what you like… enjoy in those videos. What do you like about the women you see in them?”

“Is this some kind of data collection survey for business?” Scott asks half-seriously, squirming only slightly in his chair.

“Call it that if you will.”

“I don’t know, I just like women I guess?”

“Tell me something in particular.”

“It’s weird but I get tur… well, I like women’s midriffs. I find women really sexy dressed like that.”

Jenni’s smile is unknown, it is neither mocking nor affectionate. She says, “You’re far from the only guy who likes that Scott, I think you’re low on the weird scale at worst. What else?”

If asked right then Scott would not be able to articulate why but instead of changing the topic, he continues to answer her, “Just the causal comfortable nature of it I guess… the models being a couple who are genuinely craving each other. I mean, you know.”

“Yes, I guess I do. Though I haven’t done that in a while.”

“Right, I...