When I was dressed and ready to leave, Philip came with me to the front door.

"Are you sure you won't let me take you?" he asked sadly.

I placed my finger on his lips and shook my head.

"I have to go or I will miss the bus," I said gently and kissed him.

"Please be careful," he answered. I smiled and turned and hobbled down the path.

At the gate I stopped and waved, blowing him a kiss. He looked so sad and it really tugged at my heartstrings but I had to do this. As much as I still loved him I had to have my independence. I was like a cat, I just couldn't be caged, I hated it and I had to be free!

In the past week my life had changed so drastically I could barely remember how it was. I felt as though I was travelling blindly into disaster.

The bus shelter was just a few yard from the house and I perched on what passed for a seat, taking the weight on my good foot. As I waited I considered my options.

I had none!

So I just sat and waited until, after some minutes, the bus arrived. I stepped on board and paid the driver who was quite surly. I hadn't been on a bus in years and never on crutches!

The driver must have lost patience with waiting, for the bus suddenly lurched forward and I lost my balance, falling into the aisle and hitting my shoulder on the hand rail. My head hit the floor with a thump and I lay there in shock. There was uproar from the passengers, all shouting at the driver to stop, which he did, leaving his cab and walking back to me.

"She all right?" he asked brusquely to the nearest passenger who had come quickly to my aid.

"No thanks to you," came the angry reply, "Where'd you get your licence from, a box of corn flakes?"

I was a little shaken but otherwise unhurt and tried to get up. The passenger beside me, a young man, helped me to my feet and onto the nearest seat.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"Yes, I think so," I looked around at the faces all staring at me, "Just a little dazed, thank you."

My ankle was throbbing a bit but I put that down to the jolt and, after I got the name and address of the driver and some witnesses, the bus continued it's journey. This time, however, it was driven far more smoothly.

"Do you have far to go?" the man who had helped me asked.

"No, only a few miles," I told him, "I am going to visit my mum."

"I am going to the bus station," he continued, "so when you get to your stop I will help you off. You don't want to fall again."

"That's very kind of you, erm...."

"Kev."

"Very kind of you, Kev, thank you."

He was about twenty years younger than me, a little overweight and wearing jeans and sweat shirt with a baseball cap. Contrary to his appearance he was a very pleasant young man.

"If you don't mind me asking," he said after a few minutes silence, "How did you break your leg?"

"I fell at the railway station last week."

I didn't really want to tell him any more, didn't want to talk at all but I couldn't be rude to him after he had been so good to me.

"Blimey!" he raised his eyebrows, "You are doing well."

I smiled.

"You don't know the half of it," I told him ruefully.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, not really."

I really didn't and besides, it would take more than a few miles. Nothing more was said for a while until he turned to me and said,

"I don't know your name."

I thought for a minute before replying.

"Anna."

"I know the circumstances could be better," he looked at me uncertainly, almost shyly, "But I am very glad to have met you."

"Are you? Why?" I asked him, not sure what was coming next as his face began to turn red and he half whispered,

"Because you are gorgeous."

Now it was my turn to blush and laughed in embarrassment.

"That's very kind of you," I said, "but I am twice your age."

He shrugged and looked down.

"I'm sorry," he paused, "I shouldn't have said that but you are... sorry."

I smiled at him as he looked up.

"It's Ok, I am flattered, really I am but you need someone nearer to your own age."

"No I don't!" he seemed a little put out, "I like women I can talk to. Women who know more than celebrity magazines and Big Brother!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

He didn't let me finish.

"No," he interrupted, "I'm sorry."

"Look, it's okay," I told him, "I'm not offended. I am flattered but I do have a lot going on at the moment."

I reached up and pressed the bell button on the handrail in front of me.

I looked at him and saw the concern on his face.

"My stop,” I said, "Honestly." And smiled.

I waited until the bus had stopped then got to my feet. As I passed the driver he apologised for making me fall. I didn't answer but climbed carefully down to the kerb with a little help from Kev.

"Take care," I told him but the doors were already closing and the bus pulled away from the stop.

It was only a few yards from the bus stop to my Mum's house and, within a few minutes, I was knocking on her door

I was so pleased to see her when she opened the door. She was almost eighty years old and had always been my best friend.

Always there for me and always a kind word. My dad had passed away fifteen year ago and the loss hit her hard but she battled on and here she was, with a big smile.

“Anna! What a lovely surprise.”

She put her arms out and I stepped inside and put my arms around her.

“I didn’t expect to see you so soon,” she continued, “How are you? How is your ankle?”

“It's fine,” I tried to sound upbeat, “Hurts a bit but I suppose that’s to be expected.”

“Come on into the lounge. I’ll put some coffee on. Strong, just how you like it!”

She followed behind as I made my way through the doorway and helped me to sit in the old but comfortable armchair my dad used to occupy when he was still alive.

I listened to the sounds of her pottering around in the kitchen through the open door, cups and saucers tinkling together, the coffee machine hissing and gurgling and the rustling of the biscuit wrapper. She always had biscuits.

They were such comforting sounds. My parents had lived in this house since they were married. It held such happy memories for me. As long as I was in this house I was safe and all my worries seemed so far away.

It was only a few short minutes later that Mum reappeared carrying a tray.

I had already put up the foldaway coffee table and she placed the tray carefully on it.

After making sure I had my coffee and biscuits and was comfortable she sat in the chair she always used and said,

“There. Now, tell me all about it.”

I began to talk and told her all about the accident and how good Philip was in looking after me but I didn’t mention Sam. I couldn’t. I knew she wouldn’t be cross with me but she wouldn’t understand. Not just that I was in love with a woman but that I was in love with someone who wasn’t my husband.

She had never so much as looked at another man, either before or after my dad’s death, there could never be anyone else for her and that is how she saw Philip and I.

Until a week ago, that was how I saw us, never dreaming for a minute there could ever be anyone else. I know I had begun looking at other women and having fantasies about them but I didn’t really think anything would come of it and yet, now...

I told her about the dream. Not the details but how it had upset me and I wanted to see her, to reassure myself.

When I had finished we sat for a moment in silence. She looked at me intently, over the rim of her tea cup.

“And that’s it?” she said eventually, “Why you came all this way to see me, without Philip?”

“Yes, why? The dream upset me.”

I was a little surprised as she usually accepted everything at face value.

“Anna. I know you. I know you are stubborn and like to be independent but you are not stupid. There is something else, something you have not told me. Whatever it is, it’s hurting you. I can see it in your eyes and it is something you can’t tell your husband”. She paused then frowned, “Are you having an affair?”

I couldn’t hide it. I burst into tears.

“Yes,” I sobbed, “I am. I’m sorry, Mum, I didn’t mean to, I couldn’t help it. I never wanted to fall in love with her.”

“Her?” Mum’s eyes opened wide, “Your having an affair with a woman?”

I panicked and put my hand to my mouth. I hadn’t intended to say that, it had just slipped out.

I nodded slowly, the tears rolling down my cheeks.

My Mum put her cup and saucer on the little table and struggled to her feet then came over and put her arm around me.

“Sweetheart,” she said, “It’s okay. I’m not angry with you. I won’t pretend to understand but you are my little girl.

What hurts you hurts me.”

I rested her head against her.

“Oh Mum,” I said, the words quivering as I cried, “It’s such a mess.”

My mum soothed my hair as I cried myself out. After a few minutes, I dried my tears and sat back in the chair.

"You know, Mum. I never thought I would be sitting here like this at my age. It's as though I learnt nothing as a teenager."

"Anna," she replied, gently, "You did learn nothing as a teenager. You and Philip have been together almost all your lives, You never had the angst that comes from rejection and boyfriends loved and lost until you find the right one. You had the right one from the start. I cannot advise you what to do or explain how you feel but you can talk to me any time. I would never turn you away."

"I know, Mum. You have always looked after me. My dream upset me, that's all. It felt so real."

She smiled and said,

"So, are you going to tell me about her?"

"Yes, You would like her," I smiled, more to myself as I remembered her. "She is beautiful and a little shy."

A cloud passed through my mind and must have showed in my face.

"Anna?"

I put my hand to my mouth as she spoke.

"She was shy and beautiful, until she met me. I have turned her life upside down and inside out. If it hadn't been for me she would not have known about such things."

"And you are an expert in such matters are you?" she smiled gently, "You have done this before, had many girlfriends?" as she spoke I shook my head slowly and jerkily, my hand still covering my mouth as she continued,

"And what about Penny. Did she lead you into this? Did you and she sleep together?"

I didn't answer but just stared at her, dumbstruck as she went on,

"No, Darling, of course you didn't. I don't know how this happened but you are just as much a victim as Sam and Philip are."

I lowered my hand finally.

"But I started all this, I seduced her! I should have left her alone. If a man had tried something with me, even if I liked him, I wouldn't have gone with him so why did I have to sleep with Sam. Why couldn't I just be satisfied with what I had?"

"If I had all the answers," she replied, "I would be a very rich woman. The important thing now, though, is to try to sort this mess out. I can support you and be here to give you a shoulder but ultimately, you have to deal with it."

"I don't know how, Mum. I don't know what to do."

"Well, the first question is, do you love Sam?" She looked hard at me. I didn't need to think about the answer.

"Yes Mum, I do"

"How do you know?" That was a good question, how did I know?

"Because the feelings I have for her are exactly like when I first met Philip!"

Exactly like, I thought.

"Do you love Philip any less?"

"No, that is what is so hard to understand," I held nothing back, "How can I be so in love with two people?"

Mum looked at me with sympathetic eyes.

"You know, sweetheart," she smiled, "If only I could answer that. I would be wise indeed."

For a while, we sat in silence, just contemplating, until I looked across and said,

"Mum, do you mind if I phone Sam? I really want to talk to her."

"You don't have to ask," she replied, "I told you, I'm not going to judge you. You don't have to keep things from me just because I don't understand. What I do understand is that you are hurting very much and I will try to ease that hurt as much as I can."

I stood and hobbled over to her then, struggling to my knees, I put my arms around her and, laying my head upon her chest, held her tightly, saying,

"Thanks Mum, you're the best mother anyone could wish for. I love you."

I felt her hand move to my head and stroke my hair lovingly as she said gently,

"That's what mothers are for."

A few minutes later I dialled Sam's number and waited, listening as the ringing tone repeated itself over and over until,

"Hello?"

"Sam," I said, "Hi, it's Anna."

"Hi, Anna," she sounded pleased to hear from me, "How are you?"

"Truth?" I replied, then, after a pause, "A mess. I don't know if I am coming or going at the moment. What about you?"

"I'm Ok, I think."

She paused and I could hear her breathing,

"I am just a little scared."

"Scared?" I queried, "Scared of what?"

"Of you," she sounded sad, "Of me, us, everything. Every time the phone rings and I see your name on the screen, my heart leaps into my mouth. I am afraid that you are going to tell me it is all over."

I couldn't speak for a moment, didn't know what to say but she continued anyway.

"I have only known you a few days but my life has turned upside down. I never believed in love at first sight, in fact, I didn't think for one minute that I would fall in love with a woman but I have, Anna, I have fallen in love with you. Totally and unconditionally."

She stopped and waited for a response.

"I know, Sam," I swallowed, "I know exactly how you feel."

There was brief silence before she continued,

"You do?"

"Yes, Sam, I really do. All those years ago, when I met my husband, I knew, as soon as I saw him, that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. My feelings have never changed but now, I have those same feelings with you?'

There was a long pause before Sam spoke again.

"Anna, do you really mean that? Are you sure?"

"Oh yes, my love, I have never been more sure about anything. I would never pretend about something like this. I have fallen in love with you too but I am also frightened about what will happen."

"Anna?"

"Yes , my love?"

"When can I see you again?"

I couldn't answer that. The pause sent alarm bells down the line.

"I will see you again won't I?" I could hear the panic in here voice and my heart thudded at the thought of her fear.

"Yes, Sweetheart. You will. I promise. I have to work out how though. I cannot drive, as you know."

Silence fell once again.

"Sam..." I began.

"Yes, Anna?" she replied quickly.

"Sam, You will come to see me won't you, like we said?"

"Yes." came the reply, "of course I will."

"It's just that...well..."

"Don't you want me to come over?"

The tension in her voice was so strong I could almost hear her trembling.

"Oh, yes, Sam," I exclaimed, "Very much, of course I do but..." I couldn't get the words out.

"But what?"

"I am scared that Philip will know we are not just friends, he is already suspicious. he knows me so well and is very aware that something is not right. Will you be Ok being just friends?"

"Is that what we will be then, just friends?"

This was becoming more and more difficult, painful even.

"Only in front of Philip. just until I work out what to do. This is destroying me, Sam. Please try and understand."

"I'm sorry, Anna. I do try but this is so hard for me too, you know. My life has turned upside down and I don't even know if we have a future. Do we have a future, Anna?"

I didn't answer straight away. How could I? I didn't know if we had a future, I didn't know anything any more!

I heard her swallow so I continued, quietly,

"I don't know, Sam. I hope so but I just don't know."

There was silence then the phone went dead.

"Sam? Sam!" I called urgently.

I redialled her number but it went straight to voicemail.

"Sam!" I said, once the tone sounded, "Sam, please don't do this. I love you, honestly I do. Please don't make this harder than it already is, Sam... please..."

I let the phone fall from my hand onto the floor and sat there, the tears, once again, forming in my eyes.

I remained where I was, on the edge of the bed in the spare room. I was lost.

The tears rolled unchecked down my cheeks and dripped onto my lap, tiny spots appearing where they fell onto my knees.

I became aware that I was not alone and looked up to see my Mum standing in the doorway looking so sad.

“Come on,” she said, holding out her hands.

I picked up my phone, put it in my pocket then took her hands, pulling myself up. We stood quietly, holding each other tightly whilst the tears flowed freely.

Once I had regained my composure she asked if I wanted to stay the night,

“You can use you old room if you wish.”

I smiled weakly, wiping my eyes with the tissue she handed me.

“I can't, Mum,” I replied although I wanted to to so much. Just to be alone for a few hours. “I need to go home, back to Philip.”

“And then?”

“I don't know,” I sighed, “I really don't. Maybe I should just tell him, get it out into the open once and for all.”

“Do you think so, Sweetheart?”

“Well, don't you?” I said, surprised that she hadn't immediately agreed.

“I really have no clue,” she said, “Maybe it would be better to wait a little until you know what you want.”

“Huh!” I sniffed, “I may never know the answer to that!”