Dearest Miss,

As I think of you, I say to myself, "My God, Jampu, you are such a little bitch." 

I continue to berate myself as if talking to my reflection in the mirror.

'It is no wonder that Miss hesitated when you approached her, asking to be her sub.  It is as if she could see what a problem you might become.  How could she know that you would be so much trouble for her?  Perhaps, she had had others begging her domination.   She perhaps understood that having subs comes with difficult responsibilities especially when the sub does not know who she is.   Thinking that she wanted to be a sub, yet in reality not knowing anything about who she is or wants to be.    Yes, you had a script for the relationship but now you understand it was based on hopeless fantasy and even more, you now must acknowledge that even in this virtual world any script that will work with such as Miss must be based in capitalism.   

In any event, you must take stock and realize that you have been an inconsiderate little bitch.  I mean, Miss has been so good to you.  She has helped you with your VIP.  She has given you the most beautiful outfits.  She has let you dance at all of her events.  She never fails to greet you and embrace you tenderly.  She has introduced you to many of her friends.   

Now, what have you done for Miss?  You have disobeyed her.  You have tried to hide your need for time with your friends and pretend that dancing quietly night after night was all you needed.  You have failed to seduce even one male such that he would pay for the need to be with you.  You have not performed in the image of your Miss.  You were so sure that your allure would make you irresistible to men. So sure, that men could not resist you.  

 Yet each time they turned to your Mistress for their carnality and left you dancing on a virtual tree stump at the campground. Were you jealous or just shocked at the need these men have for her quick sex devoid of love?  You at least, had pretended to be aware and interested in their needs, their feelings. 

Mistress just fucked them and left them and they all wanted more and more of her but not more of you.  She was interested only in the size of their wallets.  She had so many men who judge the quality of their life on the basis of her willingness to take their money for a quick carnal release.  Perhaps they bragged to other of their relationship with her.  Perhaps they paid their money for the bragging rights for having been with your Mistress.  Surely no one paid for bragging rights to you, you little conniving bitch. 

Mistress is wealthy and powerful. She owns many virtual homes, an art museum, and a winery.   You live in a tiny apartment with a Murphy bed and reprints of masterpieces taped to your apartment walls.   She is in such demand that men must have her just to justify their virility... at any cost to themselves.  You have not been able to make them so needful that they would gladly pay any price just to be with you. Are you jealous or simply humiliated by this failure?

Look at her... She dares them to come to her.  She dares them to offer a pittance for her time.  They know they will be rejected and they know that she will never even look back to see their dust in the rearview mirror.  Curse your approach of kindness and affection.  In the end men only respond to power and think only of themselves.  So it is that they come with large purses, willing to pay even more if they even sense that she will demand it.  You are none of this!   After months of her patience you cannot pay your way as you had hoped. 

In your arrogance you had thought it would be so easy to twirl men about your fingers and yet you have been humbled beyond measure.  You thought that as a courtesan working in the court of Mistress R, you would be so busy fucking that you would hardly have time for a douche.  Yet none has come to fruition.  Even a hundred douches could not clear your mind of the humiliation you have come to understand since she accepted you as her submissive. 

You are, as are the men who come to her, humbled by her presence.  So it is that you decided to come and present yourself to Mistress in such a way as to be even more humbled than her most rejected clients.  The men she spurns.  The men dying to speak to her that she cannot even see.  You see them because you talk to them as they grapple to be closer yet to her. 

You have tasted their hesitations and tentativeness.   You share their horror at succumbing to her rejection.  They, and you, are filled with this need for her.  Yet you see so many of them lying along the side of the road, broken and wondering what could have been different.  

 And so, it is that you redouble your efforts at submission only to find that you have disobeyed her once again.  How many times will she forgive you?   How many times will she come to you and say, "Welcome Jampu, after your night of disobedience."

You girl, therefore, must come to the honest realization that you cannot be a sub.  You are no good at it.  Despite the intensity of your need for Miss you are not able to obey.  What have you to give her if you cannot be silent and obey?  Why can you not dance quietly in the chastity she demands?  This seems to be her only demand, if indeed it even is a demand.  

 I know your secret fear!  Secretly you fear that she wants nothing of you.  Secretly, you fear that she wants you to pass along into the night and let her be not abused by your desire to understand her.  Arrogantly, you had hoped that she needed you.  Now you understand more clearly that she does not need you.  She does not need anyone.  You had hoped that your beauty might seduce her, that your intelligence might intrigue her, that your submission might tease her unmercifully, but that illusion is now well beyond any realization. 

I know full well the depth of your hopes.  Your hope, that she would fall in love with you.  Your hope, that she would find your presence so comforting that it would be addictive.  Your hope, that she would find peace in your presence.  Your hope, that the touch of your words would create visions to entertain and please her.  Your hope, that she would allow you to take on some of the burdens of her clients.  Your hope, that she would realize that all you do would be done for her.  All the rays that might be paid for you would be paid to her.  

 Did she understand that or did she see you as a competition for her place in the hearts and minds of her male captives?  Did she understand your hope that she would rent you to any man at any price with the thought that even a small price is more than enough to pay for such a disobedient sub.?  Did she understand that you would do her bidding for only the thought that she might love you as you love her?  Did she understand your hope that she would give you to the men she wanted to influence in any way?  Did she understand that giving you as a gift would demonstrate to these men the power she has over others? 

A gift that would demonstrate to all men that being with you held out for them to the possibility of being with Mistress in the future.  You would be the "lost leader" of her operation.  She could tease their need for her by offering your inadequate sexuality in contrast to her.  They would understand that they were indeed close to her radiance and that it could indeed be had for the right price.  

 Did she understand your fundamental desire to be sexual, and submissive before those in need of gratification, in need of your sexual touch?   Did she understand your hope that your nights would be spent in seduction rather than chastity?  Sex for sale at any price to pay for your right to play in VIP.  I fear that she did not.  She wanted you to be sexually glamorous, mysteriously aloof, unavailable to the very men and women you so desperately wanted to fuck every night.' 

So have run the gamut of my thoughts, Mistress, these many nights past.  Given your pursuit of further status in real life, we rarely have time together for our virtual lovemaking in this electronic world and even when we do, the site so often seems to disintegrate into electronic nonsense. I see no other recourse than to write to you as in this letter. 

Here, to let you see how my mind rages along such paths of trepidation.  Willing you to see my inner fears and my hopes for us.  I cannot even guess what your response will be should you read this letter.  I know full well it may be days or weeks or never before you read it.  I do not expect a reply, but as you say we need to make decisions.  

It is thus that I have made my decision and as such I must leave my submissive life with thee and go find somehow, somewhere the dream that I keep dreaming for myself.  A life where I can be free to express submission when I have a need of it and domination when it becomes necessary.  A life where I will be free to explore my sex with the love of my choosing.  I have at least come to the understanding that I must choose whom I will love and sex and not leave that decision to anyone else.  I am grateful that our time together has taught me that great lesson. 

In closing, I can honestly say that I admire you above all others in real-life.  This will not change even if I am cast from your life.  Sadly, though I am disobedient, I still want dearly to be with you and to have my vision of what we could be... fulfilled.  I will always consider you as my dom.  This seems inescapable given my past subjugation to you and my current humiliation.  I can only hope you will not banish me from your real-life existence.  I am not a threat to your way of life.  I do not want to be, or have what you want or have.  My brief times allotted to real-life cannot sustain such as your expansive commitments.  Though limited, I must find a new path forward that will let me express more openly the sexual desires contained within my mind.  I realize you had a dream for me and I am forever saddened by the fact that I could not live within it.  

Please have no fear of me my Mistress R... Please find a way to love me... yet.'