Dear You,

My eyes are wet just addressing this letter to you, which I may or may not have the courage to send. Things between us have changed. Or rather, I’ve changed. And I’m sorry.

You’ve taught me so much over the years: how to drive, play poker, cook meals other than pasta. You were there when I graduated: supporting, encouraging, clapping. Always my biggest fan. We shared our successes. Our experiences together were unequivocally a treasure, a coveted gift I sometimes did not deserve.

What I’ll miss most when you’re gone are your warm hugs and your infectious humor. What will I do without you? It hurts to imagine. After five years together, you’ve become a part of me. We’ve grown together, fused unconditionally. I often wonder if I’ll still be whole once you leave. A love that was instant, familiar, and ethereal. Jokingly, we reassured each other that once we’ve passed on, we’d be lovers as spirits. I can’t picture my life with you, but I don’t want to hold you back.

I’ll miss your body against mine, holding each other tight in bed. Your muscular arms wrap around me, safe and secure. You tower above me at over six feet, I crane my neck, I can’t stop looking up at your glowing hazel eyes. Ever since I told you that research study about lovers making eye contact for more than thirty seconds can trigger oxytocin, the bonding hormone, you wouldn’t take your eyes off me. Your passion is so powerful; to be loved by you is a religious experience.

You were my first love, one that can't ever be erased. I remember on our first date we held hands and didn’t let go. We talked for hours on end, wishing the day was longer. I felt like I immediately knew you. We finished each other's sentences and fantasized about knowing each other in a different life. I never expected things to go this way and I don't want to hurt you. There is this immense guilt building because I feel privy to this information before you do. I hope you’ll be okay after this ends. I need you to be okay so I can find the strength.

Our bodies fit together as one, but was it too forced? I molded myself to accommodate you. This can’t be a surprise; we’ve felt off for some time now. Our arguments have become longer, more intense, going to bed upset. Whatever happened to the rule, we weren't ever supposed to go to bed angry? You are my friend and companion, but somewhere along the way we lost being lovers. Do you miss that part of us? I try to bring it up and nothing moves forward. I want to grow as a person, I had hoped it would be with you.

One moment can change the course of our lives forever, if you receive this letter, there is no going back. I want so badly to be the woman you want, to give you the life you pictured for yourself. They say marriage is work, but we don't seem interested in putting in that energy. Our values and goals don’t align anymore, and for that I’m sorry.

This isn’t just an apology letter. It’s a thank you note. I’m grateful to you for helping me find myself. You loved me even at the darkest times when I struggled to love myself. You showed me kindness and compassion through life’s disappointments, disagreements, and emotional rollercoasters. You are that steady, dependable, and trusting person I needed at this point in my life. I hope I was that for you too.

My heart is heavy but only because you’ve made it so full. It hurts to let go, but it’s selfish to keep you. I have held onto you this long knowing it wasn’t right. I love you too much to keep you from the person you’re supposed to be with. She isn’t me, but I know she’s out there and waiting for you. I feel so lucky to have had the chance to be with you and you’ve changed me.

With love,

Me