She was swimming on her back. The wind was blowing gently over her head, as she faced the coastline. Hills and cliffs were visible behind the beach, dim green, square fields of yellow. Above them, everything was grey, a beautiful, vast grey. It was light, and then dark. The infinite mass of clouds hung low; so near it seemed at Ester’s fingertips, so wide it seemed holy.
Her arms came up and down around her and cut the water underneath her in smooth slashes. It was not cold anymore, just right, just peace.
There was the taste of salt in her mouth and the taste of sky in her heart.
She swam, parallel to the land, on and on, solitary in the sea stretching all around, and then she rested for a while on her back, floating, unmoving, breathing.
Ester liked lying on the sea like this. She could feel the edge of the water on her skin, her body half sunk in.
As she made her way back to the shore, she saw James, his camera around his neck, getting a towel out of the bag for her. Getting out of the water was often almost more incredible than being in it. She always felt exhausted, like her body had been worn out, every single bit of it, like she was clean. Like she was just birthed.
She took the towel her husband offered her and looked into his brown eyes. They were intensely focused, the bottom half lit up by the reflection of the silver beach. She dried herself roughly, vigorously, and he watched, getting out a bottle of water and some biscuits. They stared at the sea, dark grey green, at the waves breaking in folds of white. Finally, she made a step forward, and, by silent agreement, they packed and started walking.
James and Ester were becoming good at silent agreements. In fact, they had stopped talking four days ago, by silent agreement.
They had been in the car when it had started. They’d driven to the very edge of the coast on that first night, to a tip on the furthest reaches of the land.
They had been in the car; talking about the days ahead, the break.
They needed a break.
James had been stuck on his series of portraits, spending nights and days trying to find a way to make the art right, and Ester had been working ceaselessly, trying to make sense of the data her team had collected.
They had been chatting, lightly, ignoring what stood in between them, ignoring the shattering argument of the last night. They joked and didn’t mention the words that burned like freshly tattooed skin. Especially, they avoided what cut the most; not the hurt suffered, but the hurt inflicted.
Then James had fallen asleep in the passenger chair. Eventually he woke up, and they looked at each other, him with just-awoken eyes, her with gravity. She didn’t know where the seriousness came from. But it was there, and when Ester had needed to ask directions, she had done so wordlessly. And James had followed along, continuing the silence, taking up the challenge maybe.
It was kind of hard to believe, thought Ester, smiling at the ground, at a razor clam half dug-up next to her foot. It was kind of beautiful, this unbroken silence, stretching so long.
At first, living without words was just quiet. Incredibly quiet; no voice, and no city sounds. In the mornings, they sat and James read and Ester drew. They took walks; they went to the beach; they slept. They lived next to each other.
But then, on the third day, after James had started to talk to Ester in his head - only when she was far out in the sea - it had started to become more. It had started to become discovery.
James discovered Ester’s neck, her yellow-green eyes, her scrunched-up hair, the ends still wet, her eyebrows, the line at the corner of her mouth. He never spoke, and so in each glance he put all his words, and Ester with her eyes sent to him the peace of her body in the sea. They started laughing in the tent when the pepper fell off James’ pizza slice for a second time, and they could not stop, and the laughter was louder and more ridiculous and breathless, and when it was over they smiled their way through the rest of the meal, still silent.
The next day, waiting till late afternoon to leave, they went to a small beach, a sandless cove filled with round smooth pebbles, the sea rising up on the dark red cliff.
Ester stripped and started towards the water. James felt full of energy, and he put his camera around his neck and decided he would climb the rocks and take photographs from high up while his wife swam.
Ester tried to keep her balance on the polished stones. She watched a bird flying above, in blue sky. A few clouds were lit by an unseen sun, and her husband was disappearing behind a boulder. She felt happy.
Such beautiful skies she had seen since they left. Such different seas.
Once, she’d approached the edge of the water, and a hundred white birds had flown off and settled back unto it a few feet further away. The first day, bathing had been ecstatic. The water had been so cold and blue, waves enticing her in, on a long white beach with abandoned trampolines and the shape of a harbour in the distance. Another time, a foggy morning, they had stood in front of the sea, stunned. It had been so flat it reflected everything, like a lake, white sky and trembling cliffs, barely a ripple where it met the sand.
Today, the wind was high once again, and it felt unusual against her bare skin. A toe in, Ester knew a slow approach would be too cold, too hard, and she took it at a run, splashing droplets all around her, the bite of the icy water intense for a few moments, her scream of joy rising high, high, illuminating her insides.
A shadow darkened the sea, and Ester started swimming back fast. She got out as quickly as possible, shivering, and made her way to the backpack, slipping on the pebbles. Throwing on her jumper brought her immediate warmth, and she looked around, hugging herself. She remembered being on holiday with her family, when she was a little girl.
She would get scared of the dark water, wondering if there were sharks, or worse, crabs hiding in its dark shadows. She couldn’t swim very long back then, and she always tried so hard to catch up her aunt, who swam in front. When little Ester finally reached her, out of breath and swallowfull of salt, she grasped the woman’s feet, her toes, holding on with her index fingers, and it was like she had reached a magical safety buoy. The possibility of drowning dissolved instantly. Then they would go back to the shore, to frantic activity, the rest of the family building up the sandcastle in the incoming tide.
Memories flickered in Ester, the woman she had admired for so long, lying in a coffin, and she chased the image of her decomposed body away, summoning instead her aunt’s roar of laughter, bright and loud.