Sunday Lunch

“I can’t believe I went and put my big foot in it,” I groaned as I stirred the gravy. “It was all going so well, Sonya and Julie were getting on like a house on fire. Then I had to go and invite them here and say you might get involved.”

“I’m sure it’ll turn out okay,” said Greg, soothingly. “Let’s face it, she was going to find out that Sonya had sex with Graham and me at some point. And if that’s a deal-breaker, better to find out now than further down the line, when they’ve moved in with each other.”

“Yeah, I suppose.” I stared out of the kitchen window feeling forlorn. “Sonya was so happy that she’d found a new love. She and Julie seemed to be made for each other. I just hope I’ve not gone and fouled it up.”

“Look,” said Greg, who seemed a little tired of my gloomy mood, “you said your piece, told her a few home truths, and there’s nothing more you can do. They have to work it out for themselves. We need to cheer up and look lively. Simon and Patricia will be here any minute.”

“I know. I wish she’d call, that’s all. Can you put those wine glasses on the table, and the jug of water please, Greg. I don’t know what they’ll want to drink.”

It was almost one o’clock and, as Greg had just reminded me, our guests would be here shortly. Simon had called on Friday evening to say he and Patricia would be delighted to join us for Sunday lunch. He also confirmed they were both meat eaters and would welcome a roast dinner after their morning out with the walking group. They would stop off at Patricia’s house to leave her little dog, and be with us around one. I checked the clock again. I needed to stop worrying about Sonya and focus on the here and now. If I burned the gravy and ruined the lunch I would be responsible for two disasters, two days running!

The doorbell chimed and I hurried to catch up with Greg, who was about to open the door. “Not a word about Simon and me these past two weeks, okay?” I hissed in his ear.

And then their rosy-cheeked faces were smiling, we were taking their coats and welcoming them in. For a time, at least, I would push Sonya and Julie to the back of my mind and busy myself with our lunch guests.

Patricia was a cheerful and bubbly lady. She was a couple of inches shorter than me, smartly but conservatively dressed underneath her winter coat and scarf. I took to her immediately and found myself hoping she and Simon would develop a lasting friendship.

The lunch was all cooked, so I left Greg to get them seated with a drink in their hand while I served up the food. It looked good on the plates, so I hoped a hearty meal would make our guests feel welcome and help me chill out and stop worrying about Sonya.

Simon was relaxed and chatty, his usual polite and well-mannered self. I caught his eye a couple of times and he gave me a brief smile, clearly remembering the great times we had shared over the past few days. If nothing else, I hoped I had boosted his confidence around Patricia.

She seemed to be equally relaxed and chatty at times, then withdrawn and quiet at others. I suspected she was still dealing with the fallout from her marriage. I understood that her husband had left her about eighteen months ago, but I wouldn’t pry. If she felt she wanted to tell us more, she could do so in her own good time.

Greg was a great host, keeping the conversation and the wine flowing. I tried to match his good humour and we all became more comfortable in each other’s company as the meal progressed. We were just starting the apple crumble and ice cream dessert, when my mobile phone rang. It was Sonya.

“Please excuse me,” I said, getting up from the table. “I’ve been waiting for this call and need to take it in the other room.”

I closed the kitchen door behind me and accepted the call, my heart thumping. “Sonya! I’ve been hoping you would call. How’s it going, my love?”

“It’s all good ’ere, Mandy!” She sounded chirpy. “Sorry I din’t call yer before, but I wanted to make sure we’d got things straight, and Julie was ’appy with everything.”

“She is? Yay!” I cheered. “Oh, that’s wonderful. I’ve been so worried… afraid I’d really fucked everything up yesterday.”

“Nah! It was good to get it out in the open. I should’ve told ’er before, but you know 'ow it is. Julie’s ’ere with me now… she wants a word with you, Mandy.”

I heard muffled sounds as Sonya’s phone changed hands, then Miss Bradshaw - Julie’s voice.

“Hello, Mandy! I owe you an apology for my poor behaviour yesterday. And I want to thank you for being so open and honest with me… and for putting me straight. I was a bit shocked, that’s all.”

“Oh, no apologies necessary, Julie. I was afraid I’d scared you away for good.”

“No. In fact, I’d like to take you up on your kind offer…”

Offer? What offer? “Erm, remind me…?”

“You invited Sonya and me to join you at your house. We’d like to come over next Saturday, if that’s still all right with you? And, Mandy… I’m looking forward to getting to know Greg too.”

I was speechless, my head spinning as I tried to process this information and think of an appropriate reply. Did she mean what I thought she meant? Before I could summon up the right words, I heard the muffled sounds of the phone being passed back again, then Sonya’s throaty, dirty laugh.

“Hehehe! That surprised yer, din’t it?”

“Sonya! I’m gobsmacked!” I gasped. “Does she really mean…”

“Yeah, she does! We’ve been practicin’… ain’t we, Julie?”

“Practicing? How?” My head was spinning again.

“Turns out, Julie ain’t ’ad nuffing bigger than a finger in ’er before now. So last night we got ’er started with me new little knobbly job.”

Ah! Sonya’s little dildo! “Oh! And did she like it?”

“Loved it… din’t yer, darlin’?” Sonya was including Julie in our conversation, so I had a suggestion.

“Do you want to switch to speaker, Sonya? They you can both hear my gasps of surprise!”

I heard a sound then both of them giggling.

“Yes, Sonya’s right,” said Julie. “I was just nervous, I suppose, but I really enjoyed it.”

“So then, this morning…” said Sonya with a grin in her voice, “I introduced her to King Kong!”

My mind whirled again. I hadn’t seen the big, black, strap-on dildo that Natalie had bought us years ago, in ages. I’d completely forgotten I’d loaned him to Sonya when she and Lorraine were an item.

“Oh. My. God! Sonya! You didn’t!” I laughed out loud.

“Fuckin’ did! She loved that too, din’t yer, Julie?”

“Well… I was a little intimidated at first,” said Julie. “But Sonya got me warmed up nicely, and used lots of lube. It was amazing, Mandy! I can’t believe what I’ve been missing all these years!”

“Bloody hell!” I laughed. “That’s one way to lose your virginity!”

“I ain’t fucked ’er up the bum, yet, Mandy,” Sonya was revelling in this, “but we’ve got all week to practice. She should be well ready for Greg by Sat’d’y afternoon.”

“Are you sure, Julie?” I asked, slightly concerned. “Greg will be more than happy, but his cock does come with a man attached to it…”

“Oh, yes, I’m looking forward to it, Mandy, if the offer still stands? I shall be mentally and physically prepared, don’t worry.”

“Well, that’s amazing! Just amazing!” I was grinning from ear to ear. “We’ve got some people here for Sunday lunch, but I’ll tell Greg as soon as they’ve gone. He will be delighted, I can tell you.”

Julie said, “Thank you, Mandy. And sorry for being a snotty bitch yesterday. I will make it up to you, I promise! And I have some confessions of my own to share with you. Sonya’s suggested you’d like to hear about my years of depravity as a school PE teacher… all those young women…?”

“Oh, fuck yeah!” I said. “I want to hear every detail, Julie. I’ll be drooling from both ends!”

I could hear them both giggling, and Sonya saying to Julie, “See? I told yer…” Then she was speaking to me again. “We’ll let yer get back to yer guests, Mandy… and we’ll be round yours about two o’clock on Sat’d’y, if that’s alright?”

“Perfect!”

“Bye!”

“Bye!”

“Bye!”

Three concerned faces turned towards me as I stepped back into the lounge-diner from the kitchen. I guessed Greg had told them I was taking a critical call, and it could go either way. I flashed them all a broad smile and said, “Phew! It was good news, after all!”

I sat at the table, saw I had a full bowl of apple crumble and custard while everyone else had finished some time ago.

“Greg. Be a darling and serve up some more dessert, I’m sure our guests could eat—”

“Oh! Not another spoonful for me, thank you Mandy,” said Patricia. “That was a wonderful meal, but I couldn’t eat any more.”

“Nor me, thank you." Simon was polite as always. "Absolutely delicious, but ample sufficiency!”

I lifted my glass, “Well, another glass of wine for everyone then, Greg. This calls for a celebration!”

Patricia, who had seemed more mellow as the meal had progressed, held her hand over her glass as Greg approached with the bottle. “No more for me, thank you, Greg. I’m not used to drinking at lunchtime. Well, not much at any time, to tell the truth. But tell us, if you can, Mandy, what is the cause for celebration?”

“Ah, well. A good friend of ours – an old school friend of mine – was just embarking on a new relationship and I was invited to meet the new love of her life yesterday. Unfortunately I let slip that she’d had some fun times with people that her new squeeze knew nothing about. The atmosphere changed from tropical paradise to Arctic snowfield in the bat of an eyelid.

“I thought I’d totally screwed up. I was expecting a tear-filled phone call to tell me it was all over, almost before it got started. But instead I’m told it’s all back on. Apparently, my revelation, and an early confession, have cleared the air and it’s now going better than ever! I can’t tell you how relieved I am.”

“Oh, well!” said Simon, raising his glass. “Here’s to happy outcomes!”

Patricia was not raising her glass, but frowning at the table and looking deadly serious. “Before we drink a toast,” she said, “this might be the moment for me to make a confession of my own.”

For the next few seconds, you could have heard a pin drop. Nobody dared speak, until she continued. “I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you all something – you especially, Simon – that you seem not to know about me.”

“What is it, Patricia?” he said. “You are among friends here. You can tell us.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t already heard. It was hot gossip in the neighbourhood around the middle of last year.” She looked at each of us, but we all shook our heads, so she continued. “The reason for my split with my husband was an act of infidelity… adultery of the worst kind.”

I could see this was difficult for her, so I reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “Tell us all about it, Patricia. We’ve heard of these things happening before.”

She withdrew her hand, and stared at me with sad eyes. “Roy, my husband, was a keen fisherman. He would be off every weekend, sitting all day on some riverbank… or so I supposed.”

“Ah!” said Simon, “but you discovered he was having an affair instead, eh?”

She laughed. A short, humourless laugh. “No. He came home in the middle of the day… and found me in bed… with his brother!”

“Oh, fuck!” I gasped, my hand flying to my mouth.

“Yes. Oh fuck, indeed!” she said. “In every sense of the word.”

Simon sat with wide eyes and mouth, unable to speak.

“So… now you know who you are dealing with,” she said. “Who you have invited into your nice house, for a delightful Sunday lunch… a scarlet woman! I’m surprised none of you knew – the whole neighbourhood was talking about it last year. Nobody wants to be seen with me, which is why I was so delighted when Simon decided to talk to me on the walks. The rest of the group keep well away.”

I reached across the table again, and when she tried to pull her hand away this time, I gripped it and said, “Well, I want to talk to you and I’m happy to be seen with you, Patricia. I’m sure you had your reasons?”

She sighed. “Twenty-five years of reasons. We were both thirty when we met, and stuck in our ways, I think. I was hoping for a loving relationship, a marriage filled with touching and tenderness, all the physical things I’d been missing in my life. But within a couple of years he’d lost interest in the bedroom – lost interest in me, I suppose – and devoted every spare moment to his fishing.”

“Well,” said Simon, “I think we can all understand a moment of indiscretion in those circumstances.”

“Oh, sweet Simon.” She smiled at him sadly. “You are such a gentleman. I’m sorry it has to end like this, but you might as well hear the full story before we part company.”

“This isn’t the full story?” He looked bewildered.

“No, not the full story. Not even half of it. I’d been having an affair with Roy’s brother, Keith, for nearly five years. Every Saturday while Roy was out fishing. Sundays as well sometimes, if Keith could manage it. After twenty years of a loveless, sexless marriage, I finally found the joy and comfort I’d been craving. Keith was everything that Roy was not. Caring, considerate, and best of all… a wonderful lover.”

“Well I, for one, don’t blame you in the slightest, Patricia,” I said. “Any relationship that doesn’t include love and sex, is no relationship at all as far as I’m concerned. It’s just a pity it had to be kept a secret. If Roy and Keith could have agreed to it, it might have been a workable arrangement.”

“There was no chance of that,” she said. “Keith was also married… with two children.”

“Shit!” I heard Greg mutter under his breath.

“Ah, that’s awkward,” I said. “Can you… umm… would you mind telling us how it started, between you and Keith?”

“Roy was hopeless at DIY so Keith was often round at our house, fixing something for me. They lived nearby and he was a kind man. On this day, Keith came into the kitchen and found me crying. I’d had twenty years of it. Roy loved his fish but he couldn’t love me. I was lonely and frustrated. I felt I’d come to the end of my tether.

“Keith put his arm round my shoulder and asked me to tell him all about it. I’d been holding it in all those years, pretending I was a happy little housewife… and finally the dam broke. I told him everything.

“He was angry, said he’d talk to Roy… get him to see sense. But I knew that would never work. Roy wouldn’t change his ways because his little brother told him to. It would just lead to a family rift, and make things worse for all of us.

“I’d not planned it or anything. The idea just popped into my head. I asked Keith if he would take me to bed.”

“And did that make you feel better, Patricia?” asked Simon. “I mean… no guilt or anything?”

“None whatsoever. I’d been neglected for so long, I felt like a desert bursting into flower after the rain. I think Keith felt guilty – in fact I know he did – but he was back for more DIY next weekend, freshly showered and wearing aftershave.

“I told him off. Said he needed to come in his mucky overalls like normal, or his wife would get suspicious. And he did do an amazing job on our house over the next five years, but every weekend he also made love to me. It was wonderful and I don’t regret a single day. I only regret getting caught and the fallout afterwards. That was awful. Keith and his family moved away to Bristol.

“And I regret having to tell you Simon… and your lovely friends. But you would have found out sooner or later, and I can’t go on living a lie.” She folded her napkin neatly and looked like she was about to leave. “So… thank you, Simon, for your friendship. It was lovely while it lasted. I’ll go home to my little dog. Thank you, Mandy and Greg, for a lovely meal. I’m sorry to bring my squalid story to your dinner table.”

Patricia pushed her chair back and started to get up. I was about to say something, but Simon got in first. He grabbed her hand.

“Please don’t go, Patricia. You haven’t told me anything today that makes me think any less of you. In fact, I’d go so far as to say we have a lot in common. We may even be made for each other, but only time will tell on that score.

“I hope you will give me a chance to tell you about the thirty-five years I spent married to a woman who hated sex, or any sort of physical contact. I loved my Liz, and cared for her right to the last, but I was denied sex for all that time until…” He looked at me, and I nodded. “Until a very kind woman offered to heal my grief and set me on a path of joy and rediscovery.”

Patricia settled back into her chair and looked me straight in the eye. “A very kind woman?” She raised one eyebrow.

There was no point in denying it. “Well, a close neighbour who wanted to help, shall we say?” I smiled.

Her eyes widened and she turned to stare at Greg. “But… Greg?”

“It was my idea, Patricia,” he said. “So if you don’t approve, you can blame me.”

“After thirty-five years,” I said, “poor Simon had forgotten how to love. I wanted to rekindle his fire and show him there was still plenty to live for after his wife passed away.”

Patricia’s lips started to form a smile. “And… is his fire rekindled?”

“Oh, yes!” I grinned. “A raging inferno, I’d say!”

She looked from me to Simon, to Greg and said, “So, this is a lunch party for four sex-maniacs, is it?”

We all laughed. Greg said, “We hope you feel you fit right in, Patricia?”

She lifted her glass. “Well this definitely calls for a celebration!”

      *

Over the next half an hour we raised our glasses for several toasts, laughed and relaxed with each other. Then Patricia reminded Simon he had promised to show her his house, and if we would excuse them, she would like to go and see it.

With their coats, hats and scarves on against the late November chill, they set off from our kitchen door into the gathering darkness. We watched them walk hand-in-hand down the lawn and through the gate until they disappeared into the gloom. It was then Greg reminded me of the earlier phone call from Sonya.

“Oh, it’s all back on, Greg! In fact she and Julie have stepped it up a gear – or two – and Julie asked if they can take up my offer and come here next Saturday.”

“So, do I need to make myself scarce?”

“Oh no, you’re the star attraction, my love.” I leaned in and gave him a kiss. “How do you fancy being the first man to fuck my school PE teacher?”

He grinned. “I could be persuaded, I think.”

“You won’t need much persuasion. She is very fit and athletic, body of a thirty-five-year-old. And Sonya’s warming her up with King Kong!”

He laughed and then, as we both stood at the kitchen sink, staring at the lights coming on in Simon’s house, he said, “You don’t suppose…?”

“Suppose what, my love?”

“I think they’re in Simon’s kitchen, looking back at us.”

“Really? Go and find our binoculars, Greg.”

He returned and handed them to me. As I tried to focus on the warm glow of light from the far end of our gardens, I felt the familiar delight of my skirt being hitched up over my hips.

I finally got a clear view of Patricia staring back at me through a pair of binoculars. And behind her I could see Simon’s head, rising and falling rhythmically. I imagined I could see a smile on his face.

This is the end of this story, adapted from Educating Simon by Arabella Maghri, my pen name. If you enjoyed it you might want to check out the others in the series - Educating Peter and Educating Alice. See my profile for details.