Dear Phillipa,

I am writing to you in a state of distress and frustration. The thing is this. A new girl moved in next door and she is driving me crazy. She sunbathes in her back garden nude every day and her hot body makes me want to jump her bones big time. I have lavished her with gifts and roses but she shuns my requests for a date every time and sneers at me disdainfully. Why? Please advise me on what to do next. My balls are aching like hell.

P.S. She is eighteen and I am eighty-nine.