"Oh god, oh god, oh FUCK!"

My hand flew furiously across my sodden clit as I tried to keep myself as quiet as I could.

"Oh god. More. More."

I flipped over onto my back, catching sight of a shadow in the corner.

I yelped. "What the FUCK are you doing in here?!"

It was my stepladder, standing brazenly in the corner of my room, staring me in the face, not to mention other parts. Shit! I'd forgotten I'd enlisted its help earlier to reach a light bulb that needed changing. Of course, that's why it was here!

"Well, if you're going to stand there," I said, taking on a more sultry tone, "then maybe you'd like to help me out with more than just the bulb?"

It stayed where it was, seemingly uncertain, though I could see it definitely had some wood.

"Come on," I encouraged, standing up and wrapping my hand around an arm. "Mom won't be home for a while. It'll be fun!"

I dragged it across the room until it was right next to my bed.

"Hmm, that won't do," I said, looking it up and down. "We'll need to get this open."

I released its buckle and managed to get it to spread its legs a little. It was already hard as steel.

"Better," I said, "but you're still so stiff. Just relax."

With a little coaxing, I encouraged it to open up a bit more, but it clearly still needed some help loosening up. Lucky for it, I was plenty lubed up already. Still, if I wanted it, I knew I'd have to tread carefully.

Starting from the feet, I gently began to caress it, working slowly and taking my time at each step before moving upward. Finally, when my hands reached the point where the legs met, it seemed a lot more open.

"Better. Much, much better. Mm. I want this."

I took its shaft in my hand and began stroking up and down, feeling its unyielding strength. God, I'd never felt one like that before. It was definitely at least twelve inches long. I needed to taste it.

I lowered my mouth to it, giving it just a kiss at first, then licking along its length.

"Mmm, you taste good, stepladder!" In truth, it tasted a little metallic, but I didn't want to kill the mood by being discouraging. Besides, I was so turned on that the more I licked it, the less the taste affected me.

Finally, it seemed fully erect. Holding onto both sides for balance, I began to mount it.

It was slow going, and I had to stop about halfway to get used to the feeling. I was overwhelmed, nearly dizzy, but I wanted to take all of it. After a moment, the disorientation subsided, and I continued. Just a few inches more... just one more step...

There we were, that was its entire length! I gyrated myself slowly as I straddled it. I was fearful, but I'd also never experienced arousal at this height before. Looking down at it, I again experienced vertigo. I couldn't believe I was fucking my own stepladder. I tried to fight my concern that we may both have become unhinged.

"I'll bet you've never had pussy like this before!" I teased. "There's no way Mom does this with you, am I right?"

It didn't say anything, just sat there beneath me looking vaguely guilty, but it didn't matter; I knew I was right.

"Yeah? Yeah? You like that? You like that fucking pussy? Give it to me. God, fuck, GIVE IT TO ME!"

I was using it like a tool, bucking hard enough to make it shake and shudder. I knew that, given its age, it might not be able to handle as much as it would have in the past (though I doubt anyone had ever fucked it like this even back then). I was a little afraid I'd break it, what with the joint replacement it'd gotten a few years before, but it didn't seem to be complaining.

In fact, it stayed right there with me as I felt the warmth that signaled it was nearly time. I put my hand between us, rubbing myself even more furiously than when I'd first caught sight of it.

"Yes! Oh my god, YES!"

Stars filled my vision as pleasure I'd never known before overtook me, and I could tell from the way it groaned that it, too, was feeling the effects of what we were doing.

Finally, I toppled sideways off of it, onto the bed, descending from my orgasm. I lay there for a few moments, catching my breath before I spoke again.

"Whoo, that was... amazing! I never knew my own stepladder could fuck like that."

I kissed it again before returning to pragmatics.

"Let's get you cleaned up before Mom gets home."

I led it out of my room, giving it one last kiss as I left it in the hallway.

"Thanks."

I lay on my bed thinking about what we'd done, wondering if I would ever have a fuck as amazing as that again.

Of course, that was only my stepladder, I thought to myself with a naughty thrill. How much more exciting would it be if I could find and seduce my REAL ladder next time?

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Author's note: I wrote this in about two hours, after someone said the word 'stepladder' and this stupid idea wouldn't leave my head. I posted just the title to a different forum as a joke, then my brain wouldn't leave it alone and kept coming up with enough puns that I knew I needed to write it. I'm sorry for the madness I've wrought in the world. That is all.

Spoiler Description: Really? You're really reading the spoiler description for this garbage? It's a stupid porn parody where instead of her stepdad(der), she fucks her stepladder. Puns abound. God, why did I even bother writing this description? Why did I even bother writing this story? Why do I even bother at all?