.

Two drops of Chanel n°5, right behind the ears, before wearing my excuse for a dress.

Colin kept messaging me: he was very worried about me joining the party since I was clearly not ok and about how I changed my mind after I spoke to my... lover of mystery.

"What happened? Did he force you to come here? Are us gals likely subject to be threatened by him?"

Oh Gawd, he knew nothing about me and the hunky boss, thankfully!

I was ready to go.

Kind of.

Last look to my couch before leaving: it would have been so easy, jumping back on it and letting the whole world outside down.

But the easiest thing to do is never the best thing to do, so I just turned off all of the lights, closed the door and left.

-----------------------------------------------------

My destination was right in front of me.

Well, it would have been right in front of me, if it wasn't for the gazillion of cars poorly parked before the villa.

Just an ordinary villa.

No Eyes Wide Shut vibes: an ordinary villa, in the ordinary campaign outside Chicago.

The gate was already open: I wore my mask and made my way to the door. Let me tell you, that basicness was pretty comfortable.

Once at the party, I immediately looked for my friends: there were many men and women, it was really difficult. My master plan was clear: find Colin and the girls, tell them about my past and spill the tea about our boss.

"You're here... Finally..."

I heard this voice, calling me behind my back: "Robin?"

The woman approached me, smiling: "I was sure you queens would have added glamour to the night... You all look spectacular," she said, giving me a glass of wine.

Thinking of the atrociously bad dress I was wearing that night, I felt everything, I swear, EVERYTHING, but spectacular.

"Thank you very much, Robin. I just arrived at the party, actually, so I haven't seen 'em, yet."

"Don't worry, I'm sure you will see each other. But my business partner is also looking for you. Can really tell he's dying to meet you as he's met the other gals."

Fire on my cheeks, in a second! I would have preferred to inform her after I've informed my friends, but I said to myself I would have done the right thing, at all costs, so...

"Yeah... Well... About that, I'm actually feeling the urge to tell you something..."

Robin nodded quickly, but her eyes were looking at somewhere else.

"Honey, don't take me as a rude woman but they're calling me. We're going to talk about it tomorrow. Promise!"

And she left.

Great.

At least, I can say I tried...

I began looking around, among masked people in Victorian costumes, trying to recognize someone familiar. But as long as I kept my eyes all over the place, I grew the weird feeling of someone keeping their eyes on me...

My pochette vibed: a notification on my smartphone.

Wait a second... 

My smartphone! I have a smartphone! I can look for my friends by message!

"Bitch has arrived, still can't see your asses. Let me know!"

Message sent on Whatsapp. Once I got my phone back in my purse, then it was the moment I saw him, taking a long sip of wine, his back on the wall.

His face was covered by an aquamarine mask, his head was shaved and his body under that elegant blouse was quite beefier than the time of our... encounter, but I was sure it was him!

I was far from him, but I could feel his magnetic eyes over me: I felt naked under his sight, his silent hunger. He could have me, in an instant.

He knew it.

I knew it.

But if we met, I would have not said anything else, to anyone else: and I promised myself, I would have got hidden behind secrets and silences, no more.

Silence tore me apart from Dylan and I would have not committed that mistake, anymore.

Geez, Spencer... Who are you trying to convince? He's so hot and seductive and you're terribly weak...

"Hey, look who just showed up!"

That loud voice, coming from my left... A familiar voice!

When I turned, my girls were there.

Vanilla, Liv, Bristina: damn, I was so happy!

"Ladies, you're all gorgeous... I definitely wish my dress was as good as yours!"

"Yeah," Liv answered, "it's exactly what we wished when we saw you!"

"Bitch is right," said Bristina, nodding.

I smiled: bitch was really right.

Vanilla took my hand, concerned: "We've been so worried... Can you tell us what happened?"

The moment has finally come. 

I took a very long breath and looked around: he was there, pinning his magnetic sight on me.

Not like he was getting me uncomfortable, or unsafe. It's just... I had to stay focused and I would have not being able to do that, with a beautiful, sexy, bear who knew who to fill any costume with some beef. Speaking of beef... I would have died to rub my hand on his dick over his pants...

"Can we please, not stay here? I need to talk to you in a more quiet place."

We moved outside and I've finally opened my chest.

I told them about my past, about Dylan, about me loving him, hating him, canceling him, getting to the point of irremediably losing him and missing him: everything came out, memory after memory, regret after regret, pain after pain.

You know, earlier that day, my body tried to free me from the negativity, pushing me to puke.

But all I actually needed, was to cry.

And it happened, finally. Tears came out of my eyes, like a river, running after an obstacle got removed and leading to a waterfall.

I felt my heart shattered, ripped apart.

I felt free.

I felt human.

My gals stayed in silence as I emptied my tank of guilts and I was just contemplating my secrets, spilled like poison, vanishing in the air. Whether they backed me or not, I really, really, really felt free, after years and I would have felt gratitude towards them, no matter what.

But they didn't, luckily: they approached and as their mouths didn't make a sound, their arms moved to surround and hug me.

"Oh, sweetheart. Nobody is safe from making mistakes..."

Vanilla kissed my head.

"You've just carried this huge stone made of pain, all by yourself. No one deserves to live like that," Bristina said along.

"Thinking of yourself, as the worst person in the world, when you're only human. Don't do that to yourself, don't do that anymore!"

Liv's words were the ultimate healing to my soul's wounds and I loved her and my friends for that. I was glad they did not judge me.

But my tank was still to be emptied.

"Wait, I'm not done. I have more to tell..."

Deep breathe and there I went, again.

"The day of the rugby game, something happened..."

"You dirty, lying slut..."

Oh, no. Vanilla, I mean, Colin, has found out he was right!

"I have told you! I have told all of you bitches so! She got laid with the beefy stud, in the fricken' toilet!"

They were all excited, as I was... "Wait, what?"

A general laugh was the answer.

"Spencer, we don't wanna say you were drooling like a belieber in front of 2010 Bieber but, girl, that day you should have covered Justin Timberlake: Drool Me A River!"

"Alright, then tell us! Did you fuck?"

"No!" I felt that damn fire on my face, again, "It was just... Some heavy petting, some wet make-outs. No oral sex. He also froze the action before the orgasm... But that's not the point at the moment!" I punctuated, as Bristina opened her mouth to say something.

"This guy, I've found out earlier he is also our boss, alongside Robin."

Silence, again.

Ironically, it was harder to share this truth, than the other one about my past.

Liv spoke first: "You're basically saying, you had a hookup with a sexy muscled, beefy, furry guy who also has lots of money and is giving us a job... And you're saying that as bad news!?"

The other two said ditto and I looked at them, confused: "For real? It's not a game! It's about being professional! And we would not be professional if Robin finds out that one of her new artists is sucking her associate's cock!"

"So, are you gonna suck his cock!?"

I looked at Bristina, screaming internally.

I wasn't angry with her. Just, quite scared by the situation.

"Girl... We gotta talk. For real."

Vanilla took my hand and talked to me: "You've suffered so much, for love, all over your life. And since the darkness has been lighted up by a tiny spark, do not let your inner ghosts blow it out. Live it... Just live it."

--------------------------------------------

As we got back inside the villa, my friends decided to leave me alone. Without telling me any single word about it, obviously. My drag bitches disappeared like fricken ninjas!

They wanted me to fall into my Charming Bear's arms? Fine, but I would have done that, my way.  Telling everything to Robin, first.

Wow, how many new masked faces, all of a sudden, where the heck was them, before? The air inside was getting a little suffocating, or maybe it was just me projecting anxious scenarios.

Dresses, jackets. Mouths, smiles. Masked eyes. Unknown masked eyes.

Surrounded by unknown masked eyes. 

Robin was everywhere and nowhere, apparently.

Then, the moment I feared the most and desired the most...

 I felt HIS hand, taking my hand.

That simple gesture was more than enough to give chills to my spine, and I didn't even need to turn around, I knew it was him. I felt like breathing cleaner air, I felt like those masks were not that hostiles, after all.

"Looking for someone?"

My answer was a silent smile.

"Let me keep you company, as you wait for that someone..."

I smiled again and this time, I answered.

"There's no need to wait for someone I've already found..." 

His perfect beard turned to a helluva cute and sexy smile, one of those smiles you just wanna kiss over and over again. At least, that's what my body wanted to do; my mind just stopped the inner process.

I took his other hand: "Did you save a dance for me, boss?"

He pulled me next to his buff body: I can't recall what music was playing, but everything was perfect, with his arms around me, my face on his chest.

But my brain just could not avoid ruining everything so, I had to do the right thing, even that time: "I wasn't sure I would have come to the party. I had so many doubts and I still have them. I mean, what if Robin finds out of our... mutual sympathy?"

My muscle bear was smelling of cologne and masculinity, his calm heartbeat was trying to calm me down, too.

"Ha, you don't have to be worried about her, really. Robin is extremely respectful and discreet. She would not be a problem, in case of..."

"In case of what?"

His muscled arms locked me in a warming hug.

"Well, you know. Every case!"

I've hugged him back, smiling.

"So," this time he talked first: "I know this is not my business, but... First of all, please, accept my condolences."

And there we go, again.

That cloud of sadness, posing right above my head. I could open my heart to my friends, but I wasn't sure I could have afforded it, again: I've heard myself sobbing on his chest, as some inner strength struggled to grow inside me.

Keeping my hands still on his hands, I got off his well-built pectorals to look at his covered eyes: "Thank you, I appreciate it."

"If it may be helpful, we also had suffered a death in my family."

Despite his mask, an aura of sadness could still be seen.

"My condolences, as well."

"It's ok. I'm fine here, they're fine at home. It's all fine."

His mouth gave a message, but his eyes said something different. I didn't want to investigate, anyway.

"So... I know these may sound like empty words, but as I had the chance to get better, you will also get better. I promise. All of the memories, all of the love: they will not be forgotten."

"Yeah. Well, that case is not my case. Unfortunately."

He brought me back to his massive arms and his armored chest: "How come?"

The atmosphere turned to a sophisticated, melancholic jazzy mood. One of those timeless black & white movies, about painful love stories.

As we slow danced to the rhythm of resignation, my body urged me to open up some more, in order to expel more poison.

"The person I lost... he wasn't part of my family. He was a friend."

"Friends are the relatives we pick through our lives."

I smiled sadly.

"Then I failed to be either, to him..."

His arm moved from my back, over the spine, reaching the back of my head. It was his gesture to comfort me, but I had chills through the inside and outside of me: my heart pumped faster, my tits were hard and horny, my penis grew a boner under my panties.

"That's a lot to ask, I know, but... What happened? Don't answer if you don't wanna."

"Don't worry," I said to his ear, "I can handle this... So, we were close friends, back to high-school. You know, some clichè. He was the jock and I was... Well, I was the joke. I always had a crush on him, but I was ok to be his friend. Then, then something happened. I still can't tell what happened, I just know it happened..."

"Go ahead."

The tone of his voice sounded a little bit different than prior, but probably he was interested and concerned.

I sobbed as I was getting to the most painful part of the story: "Somehow, my crush for him grew to love. Real love. He was a real friend to me, he gave me his heart, his unconditional affection, and respect. I was the problem in our relationship. It was hard for me, being in his life as 'just' his closest friend, but it was even harder not being in his life, at all."

The grief grew back inside me, affecting my voice.

"When I reached the breaking point, I wasn't prepared. One night, I took courage and looked for him at this pre-graduation party. I've found him hooking up with these two girls and it was a disaster, for me. He did nothing wrong, he was just doing his stuff, I..."

Tears came out of my eyes, again.

"I was the problem. I was the issue, I was the wrong one. And the worst part is the fact I blamed the person who didn't do anything wrong. I blamed him for my own faults!"

As I confessed to him my past, I didn't even notice we weren't dancing anymore: just him, in silence, and me, standing in a dark fog.

"There was one last decision to make, the worst of my mistakes, which happened to be also the best thing to do: as I acknowledged my genre dysphoria, it was important for me, in order to preserve the initial mental process, to stay away from anyone who could make me suffer. I disappeared. I've ignored his texts, I've ignored his calls, as well as his e-mails and the times he came to my house, looking for me. Like a ghost. Like a coward..."

It was too much to handle, but I had to finish this story with no happy ending: "I took this decision for both, but it's never been about us, it was only about me, my selfishness. He never knew anything, he never knew why I kicked him out of the door... Dylan, now...  Now he's dead and I missed the chance to let him know anything. I missed the chance to tell him that I was madly in love with him, I missed the chance to admit my hate for him was another way to hate myself. Cause I still love him so much and I miss him so much!"

"Unbelievable," he finally said as he gently pushed me away. Something was not ok with, him right at that moment: he still had that sad aura.

"I should have known... I should have known..."

His words gave me genuine goosebumps, I literally had no idea what he meant.

Then, he put his hands on my mask, taking it off my disbelieving expression: my heart missed a beat, I was shaking, inside to outside.

He kept talking, calm and stately: "I think it's time to unmask ourselves..."

My mask hit the floor, the bump echoed in my heart. With the remaining courage in my heart, I approached to his mask, taking it off his head, slowly. Looking at myself on his pair of emeraldine eyes, there was something more than just my reflection... There was me! I mean, the previous version of me!

And everything was clear...

"Dylan..."

He wasn't even smiling, anymore: his beautiful face was shadowed by sadness.

"I've found you, Spencer."

Panic. A huge panic attack oppressed me: I couldn't breathe, I couldn't slow my heartbeat, I couldn't stop crying.

And I felt like fainting.

"Help me, Dylan... Please, help me..."

And that was all I could recall, before feeling his warm breath and his tongue in my mouth, his bearded lips caressing my mouth. He... He was kissing me!? I was feeling too bad, too weak, but I was also in heaven, too good to leave.

Time collapsed in our kiss. My name is Spencer and I've always been lucky. But that night, I felt I was getting back to the old me.

And I didn't like that.

TO BE CONTINUED

A huge, huge thanks to Dylan, who accepted to lend his face and his hot body for this story.

Go give him some love, he's an awesome guy!