Thursday 9th November 2017
Like a B29 bomber, having dropped his bomb-load (his request that Jill would join him on his nationwide roadshow), Jill’s boss Chris fled the scene. Leaving Jill and me to pick up the pieces and deal with the consequences.
Actually, that’s not quite correct. I was mainly the one dealing with the consequences. Although she tried her best not to look and sound too excited, it was abundantly clear to me that Jill wanted to go on this roadshow tour. As she talked about it, it was obvious she was excited and convinced about the value of the experience she might get and how it might help her develop her career.
Jill had always had great grades at school and college, and staying at home to raise our three kids had definitely put a brake on her career. Five years ago when she’d re-entered the workforce when the twins entered High School, a PA role was a good fit and the best she could really hope for, having not been working for fifteen years. But now, with five years under her belt, we both knew she could do better. And the kind of experience she might get from the role Chris had carved out for her on the roadshow would be a great ‘baby-step’ towards something more fulfilling.
As Jill described it, on the roadshow, she’d not just be involved in the classic PA type activities around organizing and note-taking, but also in doing some presenting and leading some breakout groups to get feedback from the plant reps. Jill and I had always been great fans of the TV show ‘Suits’, and Donna the high-powered ginger PA had always been one of her favorite characters. Jill might not have been a ginger, but she identified with Donna a whole lot.
By a strange quirk in the latest season, Donna was just starting to move from her PA role into a more stretching and challenging role that made better use of her talents. As Jill excitedly talked through the role Chris had offered, the irony and parallels were obvious. When I pointed this out to Jill, she laughed and brushed it aside, but from the flush of her cheeks, I could tell she was more than a little happy at the thought.
Of course, as Jill talked and talked about the work part of the opportunity, my mind was much more focused on where this trip might lead in terms of things between her and Chris, as two people who’d already slept together once and who obviously were attracted to each other.
If Tuesday night had never happened, then it would have been a slam-dunk certainty I’d have given Jill my blessing for her to go. She’d happily worked alongside Chris for five years without any hint of romance. But now I couldn’t help but dwell on the ‘co-incidence’ of this offer from Chris coming immediately after he and Jill had become lovers. Coming at a time when Chris was divorced from his first wife and also between girlfriends.
As Jill chatted away excitedly, I tried my very best to keep a poker face to mask my inner turmoil and agony. The woman I loved and who’d sacrificed so much for me and our family was being given a gilt-edged opportunity for advancement. And it tore at my soul to her see so excited but to not be able to share her excitement one hundred percent. Because however excited Jill was, there was a huge dark cloud squatting lump-like on top of my enthusiasm. The thought of Jill and Chris and away for so long together was like blades of icy steel, thrusting through my gut time after time.
But even as I realized how much the thought of them together like this terrified me, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that for some reason the thought didn’t also excite me in some strange way. Before I’d been aware that I had a strange kink of being excited by the thought of Jill in bed with other guys, but this was different and went further. And it was the first time it had ever happened to me, thinking about more than just pure sex and being terrified and excited in equal measure. The thought of Jill having sex with Chris during their road trip turned me on in the same way as her adventures with Daryl and Rocco had. But this went further, with the thought of Jill and Chris spending so much time together setting my whole body on edge with fear and excitement.
But this thought of them together for so many hours a day and for such a long time also rang just about every alarm bell there was available to be rung in my poor disoriented brain. I’d enjoyed the game we’d started playing with Daryl, and even the more extreme game we’d played with Rocco and Chris just two nights ago. But this was in a whole different ball game, both in terms of excitement and risk and the associated fears.
As Jill carried on talking about the roadshow, I turned it over in my mind again and again why the thought of Jill and Chris spending so much time together excited me. The fear was an obvious thing, no need to think that through. But why the hell did this thing excite me so much?
As Jill carried on talking, I got the distinct impression Jill knew exactly how long they’d be away on this roadshow, but that she was hesitant and nervous to tell me precisely how long she’d be away. Knowing that the length of her time away with Chris might well be the straw that broke the camel’s back and which would kill her hopes. Twenty-two plants across the length and breadth of the US. Even with smart planning and video-conferencing, I had to reckon on that being between two and three weeks that Chris and Jill would be together.
So many days and nights she’d be away from me and with another man. With a man who was handsome and charming. A guy who she already counted as a good friend. A man who she’d just recently taken as a lover and who was in the market for a new girlfriend or wife.
However much I loved Jill and wanted to support and encourage her ambitions, and however much I loved the new games we were playing, what kind of a fool would I have to be to tempt fate by allowing her to go on this long roadshow with Chris.
All these and many other thoughts were whizzing around in my mind as I still struggled to hide my conflicted feelings from Jill. I really didn’t want to rain on her parade, but in the end, I had to admit defeat. I couldn’t work this thing out alone, I needed to own up to and share my deeply mixed feelings.
It’s always been a failing of mine, to take the world’s troubles on my shoulders and deal with it myself rather than asking for help. Even from Jill, my best friend and life mate. As I gave up the unequal fight to look totally enthusiastic, true to form, Jill was nothing but supportive and loving as she listened to my confession and we started working it out together.
“Honey, you’re not telling me anything I didn’t already know,” she smiled tenderly at me. “I know how I’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If you were heading off into the sunset with Gemma or some other woman for several weeks. And besides, you’re not as good an actor as you think you are,” she added, lightening the mood.
We held hands and talked it through, just one more difficulty we’d had to discuss and work-out in our many years together. With the dam now burst and my barriers down, I found it easy to tell Jill I was both excited and worried about what we’re discussing. Telling her I’d miss her like crazy and that the thought of her growing closer to Chris both terrified and excited me, with Jill looking surprised at my confession of how a possible closeness between them excited me.
True to form, Jill was both sympathetic and reassuring. One moment saying if it was too hard for me, she could go but that she’d make sure nothing happened between her and Chris. Before I could answer, she added that even if I allowed her and Chris to ‘play’ while they were away, nothing between them would ever rival what she and I had together. I believed her on both counts, but still, I was a man tortured by a complex mix of excitement and fear.
The only decision we reached that evening was that I’d definitely let Jill go on the roadshow tour. But we postponed to the following evening a decision on whether Jill and Chris would just be platonic traveling companions, or something more. I trusted Jill enough to know that if I asked her to keep things just platonic and professional between her and Chris, she’d do just that.
This total trust in her was one of the biggest factors in me giving my support and agreement to her making the trip.
The other big factor would maybe not be understood by someone who doesn’t know the romantic lover of literature that lies at Jill’s core. Ever since majoring in English and first reading Kerouac’s ‘On the Road’, she’s loved all forms of literature about traveling across the States. Many times she and I had discussed taking the ‘great American road trip’, but time and family pressures had prevented us from ever fulfilling Jill’s dream.
But as she talked about the trip that was needed, crisscrossing across the country, she told me she planned to keep a journal and I could almost smell her excitement and anticipation. How could I say no, even if the trip wouldn’t be with me but would be with another guy?
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Friday at work wasn’t a day I really earned my corn. Too much of my brain and consciousness occupied me as I turned over and over the question of what type of relationship I’d agree to between Jill and Chris during their trip.
This growing virus of enjoying the thought and then the reality of Jill going with other guys was a loud and persistent voice in my head. But there was an equally noisy and shrill voice shouting back that this thing was running faster and further than either Jill or I had planned.
Hell, it had only been a matter of days ago that Jill had wanted to pause our new games for several months, herself frightened of the risks and damage we might inadvertently cause to our marriage. Since then with my encouragement, she’d slept with two guys from her work and was now contemplating going on a multi-week road trip with her boss, one of the very two who’d enjoyed her charms earlier this week.
As the morning passed, I was hardly able to concentrate on the various meetings and calls I had. Lunch gave me a much needed quiet time where I left the office and went for a walk, hoping this would help me weigh the options and come to a decision. The only decision I managed to come to was I needed more time to think, so when I returned I looked through my afternoon calendar and arranged with my PA to move all my appointments until after the weekend.
I headed home thinking I’d finally maybe have enough space and peace and quiet to sort out my jumbled thoughts and clashing emotions. How foolish and ill-placed my hopes were. As I pulled into the drive I saw Jill’s car already there, about four hours than I’d normally expect.
This confused and troubled me, the only mercy being there were no other cars there with hers. No Daryl or Chris car, nor Charlotte or Callan for that matter. At least Jill and I would have plenty of time to continue our conversation and thinking, picking up from where we’d left it the day before.
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Heart attack. That would be about the best description of how I felt as I reached the top of the stairs and saw Jill packing her suitcase.
My beautiful and loving wife took in the look of horror on my face and must have guessed the conclusion to which I’d leaped.
“Honey, don’t look like that. I’m not leaving you for another man. I’m just trying to get ahead of the curve a little. Working out what’s ready to pack and what needs washing or dry cleaning. You did say that you were okay for me to go, right?”
When my pulse had slowed from ‘overload’ to ‘merely life-threatening’ I managed to squawk a few words over my dry vocal cords. “Yes. Yes, I did. It’s just you kind of took me by surprise, that’s all.”
I felt the cooling balm of Jill’s arms wrapped around my neck, her eyes smiling at mine and her lips soft to my touch. The moment seemed to last forever, and the only thing I could think was that I could never contemplate life without this wonderful woman.
Within minutes we were laughing at my misunderstanding, gently teasing as she asked me which of her suitors did I have her down to be packing a suitcase for? I didn’t answer and things slowly returned to normal.
I was happy to just sit there, occasionally talking, as I watched Jill’s back as we talked and she sorted through various clothes and she packed her clothes. When she wanted to take a break, we headed downstairs and I asked her a question that I’d not had the wit to ask yet. “Honey, exactly how long is this road trip and the series of roadshows planned to take?”
Seeing the look that appeared on Jill’s face, my mind went back to the previous evening when I’d sensed a reluctance on her part to share the full length of the itinerary with me. The same sheepish and guilty look reappeared. “Well, honey, you know the company’s got twenty-two plants all told, stretching from California all the way over to upstate New York.”
She was doing a great job prevaricating and putting off the moment she had to tell me, but my gaze and expression told her I’d not been diverted or put off. Jill took a deep breath, a flush appearing in her cheeks. “The first roadshows planned for the plant near LA on Monday 13th November, and we visit the last of the twenty-two plants in New York State on Monday 10th December.”
The words finally spat out, Jill’s guilty look reminded me of the look I’d seen so many times over the years on the faces of our twin daughters. At that moment their mother looked the spitting image of Abigail and Sarah whenever we’d found them with their hand in the cookie jar or some such similar crime. Jill may have looked like a naughty little girl, but the potential diversions she had in mind were anything but child-like.
I held her gaze, my pulse soaring back towards the dangerous ‘overload’ level again. Even at this stage, Jill had shied away from actually telling me how long she’d be away. Leaving me to do the math, as if this somehow made it sound less troubling and less long. She’d be away for more than four weeks. Away from me and with another man for the best part of a month.
I felt like the wind had not just figuratively, but literally been knocked out of my body, feeling the need to turn and urgently find the support of a chair to sit in. A month! More than four weeks together with Chris. Together all day in the pressure-cooker of intense meetings. Recuperating and recovering together in the evening, a surefire recipe for bonding and bonding fast. What do they say, bonds formed in adversity and all that?
As I slumped down and tried to recover from the shock, Jill was instantly at my side. Holding my hand and waiting for a response. She looked into my pale face, patiently waiting for me to say something. To say anything.
After a few moments of not getting anything, she couldn’t take it any longer.
“Dave, honey. Say something. Does this mean it’s all off?”
Seeing the crestfallen and disappointed look in Jill’s face, I instantly knew I couldn’t crush her hopes. Certainly not her work-related hopes. I could and never would crush these hopes. Squeezing her hand and kissing her softly, I finally managed to speak. “No, honey. It doesn’t mean it’s all off. But it does mean we have to have a long talk about what’s sensible and what your poor husband can cope with before he becomes a nervous wreck.”
My heartfelt a flush of warmth as I saw the relieved and happy look on Jill’s face. The look on her face was reward enough. But as we looked lovingly at one another, I couldn’t avoid that unwelcome guest making another visit to my mind. The thought of how come we had come so far in just such a few short weeks.
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Sunday 12th November, just before four p.m. found me watching as Jill put the finishing touches to her make-up, having minutes earlier made her final choices of clothing as she packed. There was nothing overtly sexy in any of the outfits she’d chosen and packed. At heart, this was a business trip which she was determined to use as a stepping-stone to fulfill some of the ambitions she’d put on the back burner for me and the kids. The only nod towards the less public part of this trip was the choice of lingerie and nightwear my wife had packed.
Because after much soul-searching and discussion, what Jill and I had jointly agreed was that she was free to share Chris’s bed, just as she’d done a few days ago. But with one big caveat - that while she had my agreement to go on the business side of the trip all the way up to its mid-December end, my agreement in regards to the situation with Chris was for this first week only.
I honestly wasn’t sure how I’d be feeling after one day of Chris and Jill being together. Let alone how I’d be feeling after a whole week. So we both agreed that we needed some safety valve, with the break-point of Jill’s first weekend being the safety valve we agreed on.
The first week was scheduled to take in plants in California, Illinois, and Wisconsin. These three were the most far-flung parts of the company’s American empire, requiring travel days between each site, making it only possible to cover three plants in a week.
Generally, the locations and schedule allowed Jill and Chris to return to Miami each weekend. But the schedule and locations around that first weekend meant this wasn’t feasible. With no late evening flights out of Wisconsin to Miami, if they’d tried to fly back at the weekend, after a switch at O’Hare, they’d only arrive back in Miami around Saturday noon. They’d barely have twenty-four hours at home before having to fly back North for Monday’s meetings in Michigan. So instead for just this first weekend, the plan was for them to stay on the road and make the seven-hour drive across from Wisconsin to Michigan, a prospect which excited Jill’s imagination as one more part of her great American road trip.
But all of this meant Jill and I’d not see each other for twelve days, and that the decision we’d take at the end of that first week would have to be something decided over Facetime or SKYPE, which was far from ideal.
All of this went through my mind as I watched Jill, bags now finally packed, pucker her red shiny lips one last time and check-in her dressing mirror that she was happy for her appearance. Chris would be picking her up in a few minutes and I could tell she was trying to mask her excitement.
Looking at Jill, I could see her barely masked excitement. For me, my feelings were more mixed and confused. Certainly excited and aroused at the game we were playing. This initial germ of excitement at sharing Jill with others, now fully grown and rampant at the prospect of handing Jill over to her handsome boss for a whole week.
But I was also occasionally consumed by waves of fear and doubt. Several times over the weekend, seeing this Jill had offered to limit her time with Chris to the purely professional. She was happy to make the offer, although she and I both knew this would be a disappointment for her. But she was adamant she’d be fine with this arrangement if I thought it best. But each time she made this offer, the monster living within me pushed back against my fears and won the day, each time pushing me to decline Jill’s offer.
So as Jill sat there waiting for the honk of Chris’s horn, for what must have been the thousandth time I examined again the decisions we’d taken. The next rung up in our game we were about to commence. Was I crazy to have agreed to Jill sharing her handsome boss’s bed for the next five days? With me several thousand miles away, a powerless bystander as our supposed lifestyle pause rushed on a pace. But while the panic and fear were definitely there, hand-in-hand with an overpowering excitement, a constant voice in my head reminded me that I trusted Jill.
I trusted her totally and without reservation. Nothing I’d seen since we’d started this game or in our conversations this weekend led me to doubt this trust even for a single moment.
But maybe I was being naïve. After all, people however loving and faithful are only fallible and often weak, especially when faced with temptation and long-suppressed desires and dreams.
