CHAPTER 11:

Lawyer Donnelly was nothing if not knowledgeable of how to do these kinds of negotiations. But, he was wrong about getting the check on the same day that the deal was consummated. It took two days. The guy was actually apologetic. I was sitting in his office looking at the actual check from Marcort.

“They actually thought they’d be in litigation for forever,” said Mr. Donnelly.

“Well, I guess they got something out of this too then, right?" I said.

“I’d say that that’s a fair assessment,” said Mr. Donnelly.

“Okay. Sir, I need you to help me set up a trust for my child. Someplace safe and that pays a little interest over the next fifteen years or so,” I said.

“Okay, how much of it,” he said.

“Excuse me?” I said.

“How much of the half mil do you want to be put in trust for her,” he said.

“All of it,” I said.

“Huh? All of it?” he said.

“Yes. I don’t want any of it. If I didn’t have a child to support I wouldn’t have asked for anything. I don’t care about money. I need enough to eat and stay dry and buy the occasional new pair of shoes or new shirt, but other than that I couldn’t care less,” I said. “Oops, scratch that. I won’t be needin’ any new shoes,” I said, “that was only a figure of speech.”

The man slowly shook his head. “Mr. Clausen, you are a strange fellow for sure. But, I see you as a good man. Good luck to you sir, and if you ever need anything, legal stuff, well you’ve got my number,” he said.

“Yes, I do, and thank you,” I said.

******

I’d checked out places in Littleton while I was waiting for the money to arrive. I did have some bucks from my previous job: the one Nadine had been able to get for me that I no longer had of course. It was enough to set up housekeeping, and a bit more. I was going to be fine. My social security disability would have to be enough to get by on, and that was the long and the short of it.

My new place was a ground floor apartment actually near the Shadows B&G. I counted that as a plus even though I was under orders to myself not to drink so much in the future. Oh, and didn’t I say? There was the letter; the one I wrote to them.

“Well Claire, I’m out of your hair. I do need to thank you, the two of you for your help these past days, it was good of you and I damn sure needed the help to get back out amongst ‘em as they say. But, like I say, I won’t be bothering you anymore.

“You won’t have to worry about changing who you are, or doing different than you like to do, or cleaning up after me or solving my needs for me. And no, there is not enough money in the world to tempt me to be less of a man than I consider myself to be—even though half of me does appear to be missing.

“Nor will you have to help me in and out of the tub, Claire. You’ll be happy to know I’ve figured that one out, and it’s not a problem anymore.

“Finally, I’m leaving mostly because I don’t want there to be any uncomfortable times for you because I’m down stairs hearing the two of you getting it on. I do have to say I am a little hurt that you find it necessary to make fun of my lovemaking skills. But, whatever, I guess I won’t be having to disappoint any other woman now. There’s an upside to everything as I am always saying.

“The best to all of you. Give my love to our baby.

“Love,

Your used to be Jimmy.

“Oh my God!” she screamed, “He heard us! The other night, he somehow heard us!”

“Oh my God is right. But he couldn’t have heard us. He wasn’t up there with us, and I know he couldn’t hear us talking that easily from down there. And the door was closed. No, there was something else."

“He had to have recorded us. He somehow got up here while we were gone and bugged the room. There’s no other explanation,” said Rodney.

“Rod, we’ve got to find him and make this right,” she said. He slowly shook his head.

“No Claire, there may come a time, and I hope it does, but that time is not right now. He’d spit on us and I wouldn’t blame him,” he said. “The things he heard...” She slowly nodded her reluctant agreement.

“I wonder where he is?” she said.

******

I had to talk to Sammy before I actually got out of town. After leaving the big man’s place I had the cab company drop me at a motel near the Crossroads. I’d stay there, at the Saddleback for a couple of days, getting my act together.

I called Sammy to meet with me at the motel. I needed to keep him from joining forces with the cheaters to look for me. Oh, I knew the rich guy could find me. And, I pretty much knew he’d be coming to Sam and maybe even Henry to intercede for him when the search began if there was a search. I needed for my buds, my true buds, to help guarantee that mister rich guy and the rich woman would get the message. I had a plan to guarantee that Sam at least would help me out in that regard.

The door to my room was slightly ajar. I was sitting at the little table in the place with my recorder and my headphones lying on the table in front of me.

Sammy knocked once and that pretty much opened the door.

“Come in Sam. Good to see you,” I said, as he closed the door and took the seat across from me.

“Jimmy, what are you doing here? I thought you were staying with your ex and her husband at least for the next while,” he said.

“I was, but it didn’t work out. That’s why you’re here. I need you to listen to something and then we’ll talk,” I said.

“Okay,” he said. He eyed the recorder and the headset.

“Put ‘em on,” I said. He did so, but he did so without a lot of enthusiasm.

For the next fifteen minutes he listened intently. His facial expression changed from interested to surprised to shock to actual anger. He removed the headset and placed it gingerly on the table.

“I see,” he said.

“Now you know why I’m not there anymore, nor will I ever be there again,” I said. “Sam, do not help them find me. Please. Okay?” He nodded.

“Jim, you can stay with me if you want. I do have an extra room,” he said. I smiled.

“Sam, I appreciate the offer. But, you and Colleen are tying the knot, and I really don’t feature listening to her screams of pleasure each night while you two get it on. No, I had a totally different reason for having you hear that recording."

“Sam, the man is likely to come after me, I know him. And, I’m betting that he will ask you to talk to me, try to convince me of his sincerity and hers. I don’t want to deal with it and, like I said, I am asking you to not cooperate with him,” I said.

“Okay, Jim, but he didn’t sound too bad in what he said on the recording,” said Sam. “Her, maybe yes, but not him.”

“No, but he also sees me as a burden; he’s just willing to deal with it. And damn it, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone!"

“No, I can’t be there. I’m moving back to Littleton. My disability money will take care of me basically, and in spite of my situation, I’m going to try and get a job, any job. Just something to keep myself busy if you get my drift,” I said. My bud nodded.

“You got it man. You know, I have to say it, but you’re better off without her. I can’t believe after all you did that she actually thinks like that. Well, I guess there’s no accounting for what some people do and say,” he said.

“No, no accounting,” I said.

******

I was back in Littleton, The Starlight Apartments sported monthly rates and no long term lease to complicate my life. The place was shabby, but at a mere $400 a month with all utilities except phone included, I could afford it. My $1,500 hundred a month disability would be covering my expenses quite well, actually. I still had to eat, and cabbing it everywhere was going to be kind of costly, but I’d get by.

And, yes, I did think about my ex and my baby, and even my ex-bud sometimes; well, it was inevitable. I did miss my baby. I’d not been around her very much, but the little I had been had been an eye opener. I actually understood my ex-wife’s misgivings. I would have been a major interloper where her plans were concerned. But, that would have been the case even without my accident. The difference was that my saving her life forced her to be way more accommodating than would have been required of her in a more mundane situation. It left her in a place where she had almost no control of things; I’m sure, her being the kind of person she’d turned out to be, that had to rankle big time. I had to smile at that particular truth.

What I didn’t realize myself at that moment was how the reality of her position was going to play out in the long run. Her guilt resulting from her attitude and my discovering it was way more consequential than I would ever have guessed or imagined. But it would be a long time before those chickens came home to roost—six years is by definition a long time.

******

And then it was six years later and I got the visit. It would turn out to be the most stunning visit in terms of content that I ever got or would likely ever get, oh yeah.

I was poor, but getting by. I had heard nothing from or about the bad guys in over six years. I was forty-two years old. I was healthy sort of, read I wasn’t drinking too much and I was psychologically stable if not actually happy. Well, to be happy a man has to have a woman who is his woman and who cares about him and only him. I didn’t have that and likely never would, more’s the pity.

It was actually my birthday. I’d gotten a card from Sammy and Henry, both of whom I’d had some minimal contact with over these last several years. They were good. Sammy and Colleen had tied the knot and by all accounts were doing real good. I had to sigh yet again, why not me too. Well it was what it was.

My birthday and no party and no visitors. I did have a nice bottle George Dickel Rye, so the evening wouldn’t be a total loss. I toasted in the direction of the Valley. It was almost 9:00 P.M. He was probably fucking her as I toasted. “Have a nice fuck!” I said aloud to their spirits of the night.

Just as I took the ceremonial sip, there was a knock, a knock on ‘my’ door! I was sitting near my little table and I almost fell out of my chair with surprise.

I had not to this moment felt especially vulnerable being legless and wheelchair ridden, but for some reason I did now. I swallowed and rolled over to the door and opened it.

“Claire!”

“Yes, it’s me,” she said. “May I come in?” I didn’t move, didn’t respond; I just stared. She took matters into her own hands and slipped past me into my only barely not shabby digs.

I pushed the door closed, well it was cold on this November 6th night. I turned to see that she’d taken a seat, uninvited, at my little table. “Got another one of those?” She was referencing my old fashioned glass still almost full of Rye.

I still hadn’t said word one since speaking her name upon opening my door. I wheeled myself to the sink and reached up; it was kind of a stretch. She grimaced when she saw that I had to struggle a tiny bit to get the glass. The good news was that the bottle was on the sink. At least she didn’t say anything out loud. I poured her one finger and wheeled it over to her.

“Thanks,” she said. She downed half of the shot. I gave her a look that wordlessly asked the obvious question.

“To see you of course. I mean it has been forever,” she said.

“So what? I know what you think of me and how interested you are in having me around especially around Rebecca. So, so what if you haven’t seen me in forever."

“Oh, and I’m doing good, Claire; I don’t need the stress of your sympathy. I don’t need the hassle of having to worry whether or not I’m in the way of your happiness. I don’t want to be a problem when it comes to my daughter, yours and mine. So why then the hell are you bothering me this late on a week night,” I said.

“Whew, I’ve got my work cut out for me don’t I?” she said.

“No you don’t. I’m not asking anything from you or from him, not anything,” I said. ”You have no work to do whatsoever as far as I’m concerned.”

“Jimmy, I am so damn sorry. Over these past few years I’ve had a lot of sleepless nights, because...” she said.

“Because he’s keeping you up late making whoopee with you,” I said, the sarcasm literally dripping from my tongue.

“Jimmy! Stop that right now!” she said.

“No! You stop it! Stop telling me what to do or to think! I’m none of your goddamn business. You divorced me. Leave me the hell alone. Got it!” I said.

“Oh Jimmy, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to do any of that. Did I do that?” she said.

“Yes!” I said.

“Jimmy, I’ve come here tonight on a mission that you just have to let me succeed in doing,” she said.

“Huh? What mission? Making me miss the reruns of Days of Our Lives?” I said.

“No, no,” she said. “No, I’ve come here to talk to you long and deep, and...”

“And?” I said.

“Well, and to fuck your eyes out,” she said. I stared. I stared hard. I stared at her.

“Huh?” I said.

“Jim, I know you’ve been, well, without for a long long time, and it’s my fault. You need to let me make amends, at least a little bit,” she said.

“A mercy fuck for me? A pity fuck for me? Gee, I can’t tell you how turned on I am to that absolutely wonderful idea. Forget it woman! I may be hard up but I will never be that hard up. Getting your husband’s sloppy seconds has no allure for me whatsoever! Got it!” I said.

“Jimmy, shut the fuck up. You need to think for once in your life and give me a chance here. If anybody’s getting mercy here it would damn sure be me, not you!” she said.

Well, okay, I shut up. And, hearing her reasoning, I had to admit she did make a good point. I would in fact be having mercy on her more than she would on me. But I was still skittish, unsure, in doubt, and didn’t have a clue what I should do. The one thing that was for sure true: I was hornier than I had ever been looking at the beauty sitting across from me.

“You make a good argument,” I said. “But well, I don’t know. I mean, yes, I’m desperate, For sure I’m desperate, but...you are so damn beautiful; I want you so bad, Claire but...” I started breaking up.

“It’s okay with Rodney,” she said. Until she said that, I was caving, but not now.

“So, you asked his okay to do me, but you didn’t grant me the same privilege for the three years you did him behind my back,” I said. “Just forget it, Claire. Get out and stay out. Go live your rich happy life with our baby and never darken my door again.”

“Look, Jimmy, give me a chance here. Yes, I betrayed you, so did Rodney. But we’re different now, older. We owe you for so many things. And, you shutting us out without so much as a chance to redeem ourselves is almost as bad and cruel as we were to you. Damn it, Jim, give us a chance, me a chance. Please, I beg of you,” she said.

She was so desperate that I began to actually feel sorry for her.

“You say my old bud was actually okay with it, me doing you. I mean legless me?” I said. “I guess he wouldn’t be too worried about a legless pauper like me would he. So, why not sacrifice his wife’s pussy for one night. Right Claire?”

“It’s not like that, Jim. We know you’re hurting, how could you not be. And yes, I am looking for a little mercy here. And why shouldn’t I. I’m scared, Jimmy, very very scared. I need you to love me again. No, not like before when we were married; that’s not happening. I have come to love another that way, but I love you too, and maybe even on a higher level in some ways than my husband. And, connecting with you tonight is maybe the beginning of rebuilding our relationships,” she said.

“I’m not going to let you dishonor your marriage to the other man. But for what it’s worth, in these last minutes, I have come to a decision to forgive and forget or try to."

“But Claire, what I do not and cannot do, not now, is reconnect with you as you put it. I can’t be around you. I love you still, and yes, I mean that way: the way you can’t love me as you say. Being around you is just a tease. If I can’t have all of you, and why would you want only half a man, and that’s what I am, then I don’t want any of you. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from Claire. I just can’t be around you. I will miss you and my baby, my God how much I am going to miss her. But that’s the way it has to be. Please honor my request okay?” I said. I was breaking up big time and sobbing, and choking out the words and there was nothing for it.

“I am going to miss her, my baby so much, Claire. Please leave, I can’t do this. Please!” I was screaming.

“Jimmy, I am so damn sorry. But I guess I do understand where you’re coming from. And, I want you to know that as time goes on, well, maybe God will be good to both of us and bring us back together once again. Jimmy, I have to hope that that will happen. Okay?” she said. I just shrugged and sobbed and head face down on the table sobbed some more. I wanted what she wanted, but there was still too wide a gulf between us for anything like rebuilding a relationship of any kind.

I looked up at her, my beautiful ex-wife. “Just go, Claire, just go!” I said.

“Jimmy—I...” She looked down, rose from her seat, and walked out. I think she was actually embarrassed. Well hell, so was I.

******

So I’m a charity case am I? Well, things could be worse. I could have been dumped by my wife for money; I could have fathered a child that the mother didn’t want me around; I could have been condemned to a wheelchair for the rest of my life. Oh my God! Those things did happen to me! What am I going to do?

The answer to that question was to feel sorry for myself, be depressed, and be lost and lonely forever. So, rethinking my first thoughts: things really couldn’t be any worse than they already were. Fuck! I needed a woman, any woman. Quasimodo’s twin sister would’ve been good, oh yeah.

There was one thing that did come out of my conversation with my ex-wife. I finally realized that being eternally horny was not good for my health. I had to find me a piece of ass somewhere that could look past my legless self and allow me to get my rocks off.

Thinking about it, there was only one thing left for me to do: find me a girl of the evening who could be had for the kind of scratch that I could afford. I could do a hundred for an hour of a prostie’s time. It’s not like I’d be doing it twice a week which is what I really needed. Once every couple of months would at least keep me from going nuts; yes, it would. Problem was: where could I find such a lady. I wasn’t exactly skilled in the art of the pay for play scene. And, add to that, Littleton wasn’t exactly a hub of opportunity for guys lookin’ to get their rocks off, especially guys who couldn’t dance.

Well maybe the barkeep at Shadows could steer me. Bartenders knew everything, right? I fell asleep dreaming of my next piece of ass; the last had been with Nadine some six years gone. I had hope.

******

I was on my third round of JD, but I’d just started it, so I wasn’t out of it, yet. I looked down the bar to where Sub was polishing glassware. Sub, Sebastian Goode, was my guy at Shadows. He actually knew how to make a Singapore sling; I mean who the hell ever orders one of those. Nobody I know, well, except me—on special days. We’d been talking one day and he bragged that he could mix anything. I called him on it; he backed up his brag.

I raised my hand in the universal signal for service. He saw me, lowered the glass he’d been polishing and came down to me.

“Jim, you’ve hardly touched that one,” he said.

“No, no, I don’t want another one; this one’s gonna be my last,” I said. “I’d like to ask you kind of a private question, know what I mean?”

He gave me a concerned look. I was always getting looks like that as soon as anybody saw my legless situation. “Okay, sure,” he said, finally.

“Sub, where would a guy go to find, you know...?” He gave me another of those looks, but then seemed to get it.

“Oh,” he said. “You mean a...”

“Yes,” I said. He looked dubious, but he nodded toward a lady I’d never seen before at the other end of the bar who was sipping a wine. He’d been talking to her off and on while he did the dishes.

“Her?” I said. He nodded in the affirmative. “Could you introduce me?” He shrugged and went down the bar. He spoke to her. She looked toward me and came down the bar to me.

“Hi,” she said. Then she saw my situation. “Uh, I’m sorry, but I’ve something I gotta do or...” She all but ran away from me and out the door.

It was so clear that I was getting blown off. Shit I couldn’t even get a prostie to do me. Maybe I should’ve taken Claire up on her offer. My humiliation would have been total, but wasn’t it already. Fuck!

I threw a twenty down on the bar and wheeled myself out. I didn’t even look back to wave goodbye to Sub. I was so humiliated that I wasn’t sure that I could ever even go back to Shadows. I probably would, but not tomorrow. I had to take a deep breath and just try to forget my latest failure. This was my life. I knew it and I just had to learn to deal with it. Fuck!

The cabbie dropped me home ten minutes later. My digs never seemed so lonely as they did just then. The good news was the place was quiet. I guess it was good news.

As I reached for my keys, the kid that had night duty on weekends came up behind me surprising me.

“Let me get that for you, sir,” he said. He opened my door for me. “Uh, Mr. Clausen, you have a message.”

He handed me a slip of paper. It was from Sammy, he was going to come by the next day. Well, a little friendly company would be welcome for sure.

CHAPTER 12:

“Yes, I met with him, sandbagged him really.

“I guess we could have predicted the last part. But, maybe him talking to you at all means that some of his anger, despair, what all is fading just a little,” said Rodney.

“Maybe, it was like he wanted me to give him an excuse to come in out of the cold. But, in the end, like I said, he just couldn’t make the leap. And, well, how can I blame him. What he heard that day must have absolutely destroyed him. Thinking about it later, well, I don’t know how I could have been so shallow and cruel,” she said, “even in private.”

“That goes for me too,” he said.

“Hah, not really. As I recall you were on his side in the argument,” she said.

“Yes, but he heard me talking about doing you; that was way worse than what you said. I essentially questioned or threatened his manhood. There is nothing worse than that, not for a guy,” he said. She nodded.

“So what are we going to do?” she said. “I offered to do him and he even turned that down. That in spite of the fact that his dick was as hard as a tree trunk. I could see the bulge in the front of his pants quite plainly. He wanted me, no, make that he desperately wanted me; but his pride, ego, macho manhood whatever, got in the way.”

“I just don’t know at this point. Someday we have to try again. But when ‘that’ someday will be; well, I just don’t know,” he said.

“If I’d been physically strong enough I would have raped him just to get his ball sack emptied out. He needs that in the worst way, I know that, every woman knows that about a man,” she said.

“Yes, and that’s a true thing for sure,” he said.

******

I was sitting at a table in Shadows tipping one back. It was my first of the day. I’d been waiting for the man who was approaching from across the empty dance floor to where I had taken up residence.

“Hi, Jim,” said Sammy, plopping down on the bench across from me. “How’s tricks?”

“How’s tricks” I said, repeating his words. “Interesting wordology, Samuel.”

“Huh?” he said.

“Nothing, just the timing of you coming to visit and my most recent experiences,” I said.

The man looked at me curiosity painting his features. “Huh? What experiences?” he said.

“I tried to be this gal’s trick the other night and she declined my invitation, and I had a hundred bucks to offer her. Maybe she couldn’t believe that I might be that well-heeled,” I said. “Or maybe me being legless was the ultimate turnoff even for a working girl.” My friend looked away.

“Jesus,” he said, finally, “that is a major bummer. Jim, I don’t know, can’t know, how bad it is for you. But, I can maybe guess some of it. So what did the broad say exactly?”

“Not much, she looked interested, even with me in the wheelchair, but then she looked and saw and was no longer interested. Said she was sorry but just remembered that she had to be someplace,” I said.

“Man, I don’t know what to say. I mean that’s just something really not good,” he said.

“Yeah it is. But tell me, how are you and Colleen getting on,” I said.

“Good. She loves me and me her. You know. She’s a good woman, Jim. You need to find one like her. Asshole prosties notwithstanding there are plenty of women who are looking for a real man, and you are most definitely one of those,” he said.

“Yeah, well hope springs eternal,” I said. “My ex hunted me down a couple nights ago. She actually offered to spread for me. Said my ex-best friend was okay with it too.”

“And, judging by what you just said, you turned her down, right?” he said.

“Yeah, I turned her down, that’s all I’d need is a mercy fuck from my cheating whore of an ex-wife,” I said. “If she wants somebody to make her feel less guilty about all she’s done me, she’s gonna need to be looking somewhere else. I ain’t got no time for her, nor for him either if it comes to that. The stuff I heard them sayin’ about me makes any kind of liaison with them a non-happening. Why’d they have to say that stuff, Sammy? I never did them no harm, never did!”

Sam and I hung out till the last of the dogs were hung. It was good having a friend like Sam even if I didn’t get to see him much.

******

“Hello, Sam,” she said, coming up behind him and surprising him. How is everything with you and your wife,” said Claire. He gave her a “What business is it of yours?” look.

“We’re fine. Nobody’s tried to steal her away from me; well yet at any rate,” he said. She winced but didn’t take any obvious offense at the implied analogy. “She’ll be joining me here in a few.”

“I’m glad you’re doing well,” she said. “Mind if we talk a bit?” He shrugged, but didn’t tell her no. He’d been cued by Jimmy that one or the other of them might try to enlist his help to get her ex-husband to lighten up about having anything to do with them.

She led him to a booth against the far wall. The Crossroads wasn’t all that busy at 3:00 P.M on Saturdays.

They settled in. He’d taken his beer with him. A bar girl came by and asked her what she’d like.

“One of those,” said Claire pointing to what her booth partner was having. The girl nodded, and headed off to fill the order.

“We’ve been here before haven’t we Sam,” she said. Her hands were folded on the table in front of her.

“If you mean you’ve chatted me up fairly regularly since your divorce from my bud, well yes, we’ve been here before,” said Sammy.

“Sam, I’m not here to cause anybody trouble or to make anyone uncomfortable. I just need to find a way to help our Jimmy to get it together and be able to make a life for himself. Jesus, Sam, I need your help. God damn it I do,” she said.

For the life of him he was feeling sorry for the woman. He could see she meant what she said. But the problem was it didn’t make a damn bit of difference. She’d destroyed his bud, and then he’d gone and sacrificed any chance he’d had for a normal life by saving hers and that of her whole “new” family. It was pretty damn clear that there was absolutely nothing she could do, any of them could do, to help the guy. He didn’t need sympathy he needed a woman’s love, and the odds of him ever getting it were long to say the least.

“You know I went to see him recently?” she said.

“Yeah, he told me. He was sick at heart after that, you going to see him. I think he would have liked to take you up on your offer, but he would never do anything to help you cheat on your now husband. He’s not that kind,” said Sammy.

“He told you about that!” said Claire. Sammy nodded.

“How embarrassing,” she said.

“Yeah for him,” said Sam. “But my man lives with embarrassment every day. No damn way to escape it now, not after, well after.” She nodded.

“He needs to try and find a woman of his own. A better one than I ever was,” she said.

“Yeah, well he’s had a little trouble in those respects,” he said. There was something about the way he’d said this last that caught her attention.

“Sam?” she said.

“After you left him that night. I think it was the next night in fact. He hit up a prostitute. Because of your visit, he was super desperate to get his ashes hauled. The prostie at first showed an interest, but then when she saw his legs, what was left of them, she dumped on him and ran off. I know for a fact that he actually cried, sobbed, out of frustration after that. The man is ultimately desperate. I almost wish he were gay. Hell, I’d bend over for him if he were, anything to help him out,” said Sammy.

“Oh my God!” she squealed. “Oh my fucking God! Could anything else bad happen to that man!”

“I don’t know about that,” said Sam, “but if there is anything else out there that could hurt a man, he’ll probably run into it. The man just hasn’t got a chance if you know what I mean.”

“Sam, I don’t know what to do. I need your help. I need it bad. Any chance?” she said.

“Nope. He told me that he really and truly just wants you and that man of yours out of the picture. He needs time, a lot of time. You and that man of yours bugging him ain’t gonna cut it, Missus Pollard. Just walk away. Leave the man to his life what’s left of it,” he said.

“Can’t do it, Sam. I know you’re right. It might indeed be best if Rodney and I left him alone. But I just can’t. I have to believe there is something left of his feelings for us and I aim to find out what it is and use it to help the man. I have to,” she said.

“Apart from you divorcing your husband and remarrying our guy it ain’t happening,” he said. “And, I might add you having control of his little girl and cutting him out of her life like you have is kind of the coup de gras to him having anything to do with you.”

“Sam, I never had any intention of cutting Jim out of Rebecca’s life!” said Claire. “Did he say that!”

“No, I heard the recordings. It was pretty clear to me that you think he would be nothing more than a big assed problem, and that you intended to make sure you could control the situation with him and her,” said Sam.

“Oh,” she said. “Sam, what I said that day was born of worry, I admit. But, I would never have stopped Jimmy from seeing or being a part of his daughter’s life.”

“No, but you’d be controlling things to make sure everything was done your way. And you see him being around her as just ‘another’ problem that you’d need to be dealing with. All of the things you said, lady, were killers of any hopes Jim had of having a significant relationship, a parental relationship, with his baby. You said it, he believes it, and so do I,” said Sam.

“Sam, really, it may have sounded that way. I guess it did. But it’s not what I really think or believe,” said Claire.

“Yeah, well you’ll play hell trying to convince anybody who hears that recording of that now, including me,” he said.

“Sam, when you see him, could you, would you please?...”

“Assure him of your good intentions? Can’t, Claire. I don’t believe you myself. I think you’re telling the truth when you say you want to help our guy, but you will never convince me or him that you’d give him free rein with Rebecca, his Rebecca. And that’s what it would take to even begin to normalize things. Well, at least that’s what I think.”

She gave him a look that spelled interest. Could she do it; could she give the man free rein with their child? She would be talking to her husband that very night on that topic.

******

“So no dice with Sammy?” said Rodney Pollard.

“No. He pretty much told me to get lost, not in so many words but that was the import,” said Claire.

“Man oh man,” he said.

“He did say something that I want to run by you,” she said.

“Oh?” he said.

“Well, it wasn’t anything he heard from Jim directly, but it was what he, Sammy, thinks and he does kind of have the inside dope if you know what I mean,” she said.

“Okay?” he said.

“Sam thinks that my words relating to Jimmy and his relationship with Rebecca were the last straw for Jimmy. Sam says that Jimmy thinks that I don’t want him to have any influence or authority when it comes to making decisions for Rebecca’s welfare. Further, Sam thinks that there is no hope of getting Jimmy to lighten up until and unless he were to be given unrestricted free rein in making decisions about our daughter,” said Claire.

“Okay, I can believe that is so,” said Rodney. “So are you thinking of offering him that?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. What do you think?” she said.

“I don’t know either. I mean how far would you take it, or allow it to be taken, I guess is the way to say it?” he said.

“I think that Sam may be right. If he is, Jimmy would not be satisfied, not anymore, with any restrictions whatsoever. To give up any influence you and I would have or hope to have per our baby, and it is our baby yours and mine as much as his, well it might be just too much,” she said. “I mean too much, even given all he’s done for us.”

“Hmm, maybe,” he said. “But, what if we just asked him what he wanted and expected. Put it on him?” he said. She gave her husband a look.

“Yes, yes that might work. If we task ourselves with setting limits or even no limits we’d probably be harder on ourselves than he would be. Well, probably,” she said.

“Yes, that would be the hope. I mean that he’d be more reasonable than we would be. Yes,” he said.

******

I’d been studious in avoiding the bar, Shadows. I didn’t need whiskey, I needed a woman. So, since I didn’t have one I dreamed about having one. Dreaming while not as good as whiskey in some respects allowed me to feel sorry for myself far more efficiently. And feeling sorry for one’s self was actually therapeutic as I’d discovered over these past years. Also, not being at the bar as much—I did still warm a seat there once or twice a week—I was minimizing the chance that I’d be easy prey for them to just walk in on me and embarrass me.

My fears per this last were not unfounded. Sebastian had clued me that I’d gotten visits from the bad guys a couple of times. They hadn’t talked to him, but he’d recognized them when they came in on two separate occasions, and he’d clued me. It was clear to me that they were not done harassing me.

I hadn’t seen Sammy since our last conversation, and I kinda wondered at that, but then he was a married, so maybe that made sense. If I had a woman, she sure as hell would have been dominating my time and attention, not some whiny loser like me.

But the well paid plans of mice and men do occasionally go awry. It was again a late week day evening, after 9:00 P.M., by a few. The knock on my door upset me. I had a premonition as to who it might be. I was right.

Wheeling myself over to the door, I opened it, surprising them. “Greetings to you visitors from cheatersville,” I said, smiling, I was clearly not being nice in spite of the smile. I got looks from the two of them on several levels. It was clear they were confused.

“James?” said Rodney.

“Who else would be bothering me at this hour on a week night,” I said.

“James, we’re not here to bother you. And, I’ve brought the wine,” he said. So far the woman hadn’t uttered so much as a hello, so I did.

“And hello to you, Claire, you look especially lovely tonight,” I said, and she did.

“Thank you, James, and hello to you too,” she said.

I wheeled myself back into the center of the room, leaving them to either come in or leave. They opted to come in, and they did shut the door behind them which saved me having to do it for them.

“Well?” I said. “How do you plan to make my life harder this time?”

“Jimmy, please, you know damn well that we have no intention of making your life hard or any of it. Exactly the opposite,” she said.

“Really Jim, Claire and I only want to help you and, well, make you an offer you’re going to have a damn hard time trying to refuse,” said Rodney.

I laughed out loud. I laughed hard. My side began to hurt I was laughing so hard. The two of them were clearly disconcerted. I finally caught my breath. “I gotta ask you, Rodney old bud. Were you really okay with me doing your wife; she said you were?”

“Jim, I...” he started.

“Jim?” said Claire, not understanding my hilarity, “why are you laughing?” I ignored her meaningless question.

“If you’re here, Rodney old bud, to offer me a job or money or gifts or an hour with your naked wife then you’ve wasted your time coming over here. I don’t want anything from you, either of you. More I wouldn’t accept it even if my life depended on it. Am I making myself clear?” I said.

“Jim, I hurt you. I know it, and I apologize, sincerely apologize. But no, we’re not here bearing gifts though you could have damn near anything you want if it comes to that. All you have to do is ask, hell, just hint and it’s yours. But no, that’s not it tonight,” said Rodney.

They’d tweaked my interest. “Oh?” I said. “You know I should tell you I almost caved when Claire offered to do me the other night. But, I remained strong. I don’t stab best friends in the back it ain’t who I am.”

“Jim, it’s about Rebecca,” said Claire. Now I was concerned.

“She’s hurt? What?” I said.

“No, no, no,” said Rodney. I breathed a sigh of relief. The look I got from Claire for my moment of concern and subsequent relief said a lot. She was glad. Why she was glad was still a mystery, but there was no doubt about it, she was glad.

“Oh, okay,” I said. “So how is my baby. You know, the one you don’t want me to be around too much.” I got another look from Claire that was pure frustration.

“Jim, the stuff you heard on that recording. My God how that must have hurt you,” she said

“Well you are sure as hell right about that one,” I said, still smiling but no longer laughing.

“Anyway, after thinking about it every damn day since, I came to realize just what a paranoid asshole I’d been. Jim, you have every right to be in that girl’s life and in ways that you see fit, not ways that I see fit or Rodney,” said Claire.

“Oh, and you came to this realization when, how?” I said.

“Truthfully, as a result of a conversation I had with a friend of yours,” she said.

“Sammy?” I said.

“Yes,” she said.

Things were becoming clearer now. They hadn’t actually said much yet, made no actual offer. But I was feeling that they were about to make me an offer that would allow me a larger role in my baby’s life. How much larger was the question and it didn’t matter to me anymore anyway. It wouldn’t matter because they would still be the ones ruling the roost and setting the limits. The limits might be generous, but they would be their limits; I’d actually have no real say. Hence, their offer would be meaningless to me and totally unacceptable.

“Jim, we owe you more than we can ever repay. We know it, and you for sure know it. So we’re here tonight to make you an offer you really can’t refuse,” said Rodney.

“Oh, and what are the rules going to be?” I said.

“No rules. Well, none that Claire or I set. You’ll be setting them,” he said.

“Huh? What are you talking about?” I said.

“Jim, your word is going to be law when it comes to our baby,” said Claire. “No limits for you whatsoever. Well, except for you to tell us what you expect, want, need, what all.”

“I don’t understand,” I said.

“Jim, apart from the fact that Rebecca will be living with us, which is just a practicality, whatever you say in terms of her upbringing, visitation, whatever you want will be how it is going to be. And as for visitation or residence, if you get a better place than this cheapass apartment, she can live with you part of the time too. How much time would also be up to you, and maybe her. We’d appreciate a say in that, but it would still be your decision not ours,” she said. They’d stopped me, boy had they!

“And how would I know that you’d keep your word?” I said.

“Well, I mean I don’t know,” he said, apparently stumped . . . but then he seemed to get an idea. “Jim, how about we, no you, if you want, get a lawyer to draw up a contract detailing what we say tonight. We’d sign it and then you’d have legal papers to assure you that what we are saying is really and truly the way it would be.” I was nodding.

“Maybe,” I said. “Maybe.”

We talked some more, mainly about the baby and how she was doing and all. I’d had to agree with them on one level: they had made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. And, I did consider that they were being sincere, yes I did.

I’d be going to their place to pick up the baby to make a day of it at the zoo Saturday, three days hence. I had to admit to being nervous. I knew the score: almost everybody felt uncomfortable around a double amputee. Well, there was nothing for it. My baby would have to get used to it at some point. She’d seen me before, and she hadn’t seemed to be too uncomfortable, but man I was nervous!

******

The dynamic duo had offered to have the two of us, Rebecca and me, chauffeured around, but I nixed that. It would set a precedent that I couldn’t take care of my own needs; I didn’t want that, oh no, I did not want that.

The public van picked me up and took me to their castle on the hill. I had to wonder how my kid could be made to be interested in residing with me, even part time, at any place I could ever afford. But, maybe, kids were funny and maybe she wouldn’t see it as too much of a come down or even notice the difference; well, one could hope.

“Hi again, Jim,” said Rodney, coming down the drive to greet me. Rebecca was only yards behind him. The upside of that was that I didn’t have to get out of the van, get my wheelchair out of the back, go up to the entrance of the Towers, get the kid and the come back down the drive, put the chair back in the van, and get back inside with my daughter. I guess I appreciated the thought on his part. I Guess I should mention too, if I haven’t already, that the drivers of the vans are experienced and have and do help with all of the above mentioned practical matters. Anyway, that’s the gig, just to clarify things; and yes, I do still have to pay for transport; they are regular cabs and a private business.

“Hi daddy,” said Rebecca. “I’ve missed you.” Oh my, how nice that sounded to me.

“Well, I missed you too baby,” I said. Rodney waved goodbye and she got in the van and we got going.

“Daaddyyyy,” she whined, taking her seat. “I’m not a baby anymore, I’m 13!”

“Oh my, I’m sorry,” I said. “You most certainly are not a baby. Thirteen, you say. I should’ve known that, but I didn’t realize it.”

Our day at the zoo went off without a hitch. I think my daughter was trying her best to not make it hard on me in terms of where we went in the place and what we saw. I had to appreciate that at the very least.

We got home just before dark: we had gone out to get something to eat after the day at the zoo. Well it was still daylight savings time. It didn’t get dark till almost nine. My ex-wife came out to meet me when the van arrived.

“Hi guys!” she said brightly as the van’s door popped open.

Rebecca got down and hugged her mom and ran inside. “You had fun then,” said Claire.

“Yes, yes we did,” I said. “She liked the bird sanctuary the best me the big cats.”

“Really, I like he big cats too,” she said. “Look, Jim, could I persuade you to join us for dinner?”

“Uh, not tonight. Rain check?” I said.

“Yes, yes, of course,” she said. “We’ll be looking forward to it.” I nodded.

We shared a few more words and then it was time to get going. The ride back to my place was a time for me to think about the day and how it had gone. And, even the more so, the proposition that the two of them had come up with to get me to soften my feelings toward them. I had no illusions about it all. They felt guilty and wanted to make amends. I wasn’t actually into making it easy for them, but the baby—thirteen or not—was my main concern at this point. I had no woman, but a kid was almost as good, yes it was.