Dom/Sub: Is that all there really is to you?

11 Apr 2013

Quote by Ravyn

Lets not turn a good discussion thread into this. Let those who want to discuss this topic in earnest do so

Sorry Ravyn, I shall shackle & banish my inner dom back to his dungeon, and go be my usual vanilla arsehole over in the Think Tank for the next few days.

Hugs

The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.

11 Apr 2013

Ok here is MHO on this subject...

I am Jonathan. a firefighter in My professional life, a husband and a father. I am also a Master, My wife being submissive to Me. We do live a D/s lifestyle but it is not really that different than any other marriage. We simply do things with a slightly different viewpoint. Instead of the husband/wife roles we use the Master/sub roles. Instead of calling her Honey and Sweetheart, I call her Subbie. Or other things if we are in the bedroom!
If you were to come across us in the grocery store or some other public place, you would be hard-pressed to tell us apart from any other loving couple. I do not have her on a leash and she does not wear a spiked dog collar in public - I will leave those things to the teenage rebel without a clue types. I do however open the door for her, I do order her meals for her, and I do have her tell Me where she is going and when she will be back. These are not "power trips" for Me - it's called being a gentleman and common courtesy.
D/s is not an all-encompassing thing for us, however it does color our way of doing things a bit. We are just normal everyday people who look at life with a different point of view.

22 Apr 2013

Quote by slipperywhenwet2012

I think I just get tired of the blowhards. Some doms here don't realize that their dominance carries no weight to those outside of this lifestyle. So when I come across a big shot dominant type who tries to throw their weight around, I usually just laugh and roll my eyes...but overall I'm just annoyed. It's the same with a sub. Just because you're a submissive, it doesn't mean everyone you come across has the desire to dominate you.

on an open access site such as this ...many of the blowhard types are those who are trying to pump themselves up to be more than they are...and those subs who submit to anyone are just living a lil online fantasy

I Myself only chat in rooms where the BDSM lifestyle is the main focus. Sex chat and the rest aren't My cup of tea. I chat to offer advice to like-minded people who, whether they agree or disagree, accept the fact that this life is different for us all. I CAN be quite opinionated (see disclaimer below) but when I meet someone new in chat I never expect them to automatically refer to Me as "Sir" as that respect is something I feel is earned over time. I even tell most subs that I don't require that.

As far as the subject of "is that all there really is to you" I must say that this lifestyle is, in a way, a transformation. It completely changes the way many people view the world and themselves. Once discovered within one's self, it can be completely life changing, and being in a place where that can be accepted releases alot of inhibitions.

This may be a relative story--- In my school there was a geek..he knew every sports stat imaginable. He hung out with all the jocks and got along well, because he had something in common-a love of sports. With that said, he never talked about ANYTHING but sports with those people even though he had other interests as well. YES - there was more to him than just sports, but his main focus in that group was sharing a love of sports.

It just isn't natural to go to an art exhibit and discuss the wrestling match last night, you discuss art. The same applies here.. you don't generally go to a dungeon and discuss English literature. There are VERY few places in the world that many of us can find people to be ourselves around because of stereotypes. So when provided an opportunity to show what normally must remain hidden from view, most tend to really let it show.

I Myself am much more open publicly than is normal in this lifestyle. On occasion I'll take My slave in public on a leash, and even when "looking" normal in public, the relationship is unmistakeable when people see how W/we interact with each other. When getting her hair or nails done.. I am the one telling the salon tech how it will be done. As I said... most aren't that open with themselves, so places like this are the only places they can relax and be themselves, outside the privacy of their own homes.

Knowledge is nothing if not shared, with your slave, your community, and those wishing to enter into it. So I will continue to look for topics to give My opinion about, yes opinion.

*** Disclaimer ***
My way of thinking doesn't fit everyone, nor does anyone elses, it is not My intention to tell anyone else here how they must see or do things, as there are as many views of what "the life" means to people as there are people in it.

23 Apr 2013

Quote by BlackTalon

This may be a relative story--- In my school there was a geek..he knew every sports stat imaginable. He hung out with all the jocks and got along well, because he had something in common-a love of sports. With that said, he never talked about ANYTHING but sports with those people even though he had other interests as well. YES - there was more to him than just sports, but his main focus in that group was sharing a love of sports.

It just isn't natural to go to an art exhibit and discuss the wrestling match last night, you discuss art. The same applies here.. you don't generally go to a dungeon and discuss English literature. There are VERY few places in the world that many of us can find people to be ourselves around because of stereotypes. So when provided an opportunity to show what normally must remain hidden from view, most tend to really let it show.

I Myself am much more open publicly than is normal in this lifestyle. On occasion I'll take My slave in public on a leash, and even when "looking" normal in public, the relationship is unmistakeable when people see how W/we interact with each other. When getting her hair or nails done.. I am the one telling the salon tech how it will be done. As I said... most aren't that open with themselves, so places like this are the only places they can relax and be themselves, outside the privacy of their own homes.

OK, in your story the geek talked about sports when he was around the jocks. Just because he was knowledgeable of sports stats it didn't make him a jock. And when he wasn't around jocks, I'm assuming the sports talk dropped. Because he was multifaceted. What I was focusing on was those involved in the BDSM lifestyle who only seem to present or promote this side of themselves, regardless of the crowd. I like the geek in your story because although he was a geek, that wasn't all there was to him, which supports my opinion that those involved in BDSM should have more to them than just hey, I'm a dom/sub!

"What is the quality of your intent?" - Thurgood Marshall

23 Apr 2013

Quote by slipperywhenwet2012

OK, in your story the geek talked about sports when he was around the jocks. Just because he was knowledgeable of sports stats it didn't make him a jock. And when he wasn't around jocks, I'm assuming the sports talk dropped. Because he was multifaceted. What I was focusing on was those involved in the BDSM lifestyle who only seem to present or promote this side of themselves, regardless of the crowd. I like the geek in your story because although he was a geek, that wasn't all there was to him, which supports my opinion that those involved in BDSM should have more to them than just hey, I'm a dom/sub!

Well, I think I was trying to make 2 points with that geek story.

1) In a setting such as this where it is acceptable to do so, many will let themselves show the BDSM side more prevalently. Almost to the point that here, in this setting, it may appear to be all there is to them.

2)The geek in the story becomes the vanilla wannabe here. He learns the language and then tries to fit in. Some may be convincing, but us Jocks can generally spot em. (Jocks being anyone in the lifestyle with real-life experience) Sadly, many just finding this lifestyle may be fooled and get into bad situations, but I'm hoping there are more people out there looking out for that.

You need to keep in mind we cant SEE the geek here, if he has learned enough about the subject it may be tougher to figure out he isn't a jock.

Yes ...there is more to us than that. As BDSM encompasses such a wide range of topics concerning our relationships, conversations will always tend to lean that way for many of us. When here, people tend to talk about things they couldn't normally share with even their closest friends in real life.

For Me, it comes back to discussing English literature in a dungeon. Though there is more to Me than BDSM, My purpose being here is to discuss that side of Me. Sometimes it becomes therapeutic, other times it helps those new to the life learn new aspects or points of view. Sometimes I'm just the asshole pointing out which ones I see as fakes. lol

Knowledge is nothing if not shared, with your slave, your community, and those wishing to enter into it. So I will continue to look for topics to give My opinion about, yes opinion.

*** Disclaimer ***
My way of thinking doesn't fit everyone, nor does anyone elses, it is not My intention to tell anyone else here how they must see or do things, as there are as many views of what "the life" means to people as there are people in it.

23 Apr 2013

Quote by BlackTalon

Well, I think I was trying to make 2 points with that geek story.

1) In a setting such as this where it is acceptable to do so, many will let themselves show the BDSM side more prevalently. Almost to the point that here, in this setting, it may appear to be all there is to them.

2)The geek in the story becomes the vanilla wannabe here. He learns the language and then tries to fit in. Some may be convincing, but us Jocks can generally spot em. (Jocks being anyone in the lifestyle with real-life experience) Sadly, many just finding this lifestyle may be fooled and get into bad situations, but I'm hoping there are more people out there looking out for that.

You need to keep in mind we cant SEE the geek here, if he has learned enough about the subject it may be tougher to figure out he isn't a jock.

Yes ...there is more to us than that. As BDSM encompasses such a wide range of topics concerning our relationships, conversations will always tend to lean that way for many of us. When here, people tend to talk about things they couldn't normally share with even their closest friends in real life.

For Me, it comes back to discussing English literature in a dungeon. Though there is more to Me than BDSM, My purpose being here is to discuss that side of Me. Sometimes it becomes therapeutic, other times it helps those new to the life learn new aspects or points of view. Sometimes I'm just the asshole pointing out which ones I see as fakes. lol

For you, the sole purpose of going into the BDSM chat room will be to discuss that side of you. But I know from experience that in the BDSM chat room here, you will find all sorts of conversations going on, and a great majority of them have nothing to do with BDSM. And that's not even remotely what I was talking about. I'm talking about the people OUTSIDE of the BDSM chat rooms. All they do, no matter the setting, is express their dominance or submissiveness...and nothing else. I've literally been in a chat room and a sub will come in saying, "Sub slut that needs to be punished." Likewise, I've seen so-called doms doing the same thing, but it'll be more along the lines of, "Master here looking for someone who wants to be dominated." Or something of that nature. And I understand that people come here to openly express that part of themselves, but it gets boring and repetitive if that's all you bring to the table. I have plenty of friends involved in this lifestyle, and the reason we remain friends is that they discuss it when the subject comes up, and they also give me lots of insight, and they do this all without having to proclaim it everywhere they go. I mean if you have to go around declaring your dominance, then what's the point?

"What is the quality of your intent?" - Thurgood Marshall

23 Apr 2013

Quote by WellMadeMale

Sorry Ravyn, I shall shackle & banish my inner dom back to his dungeon, and go be my usual vanilla arsehole over in the Think Tank for the next few days.

It's Dom, with a capital D you huge moron. Unless you realize you aren't even worthy of being a real Master like Me and this Pez.

-

Don't worry Master Pez. This fake master (notice I didn't capitalize the m for this weak ass book learned "master") wellmadebitch is just jealous of you because you are more of a Master at 21 than he is at 61. Fuck em.

23 Apr 2013

This sure made for some interesting reading. Taking nothing from this post & saying that Master Jonathans post was refreshing, in that he shows love & respect.which to my way of thinking makes the entire relationship work..

23 Apr 2013

Quote by Magical_felix

It's Dom, with a capital D you huge moron. Unless you realize you aren't even worthy of being a real Master like Me and this Pez.

I liked you better when you were on vacation hiatus at domination spring training.

The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.

23 Apr 2013

WMM THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO THE THINK TANK..

24 Apr 2013

Quote by slipperywhenwet2012

I've literally been in a chat room and a sub will come in saying, "Sub slut that needs to be punished." Likewise, I've seen so-called doms doing the same thing, but it'll be more along the lines of, "Master here looking for someone who wants to be dominated."

Yes, I've seen that too...and I just laugh. IMO those are simply horny people needing to live out some fantasy. I tend to stay away from rooms that allow such behavior. I'm not here for cyber, sexting, pix, flix, or anything else along those lines. (too many people looking for instant gratification, I'll work for something real instead)

Another yes about discussing more that just my lifestyle in the chatrooms.. but yet again... it almost always contains some aspect however subtle it may be. I feel I'm a well rounded person and can converse on a number of subjects, though I tend to stay away from politics and religion. Those are 2 topics that I find interesting, but they will divide a room quickly and become too heated.

Knowledge is nothing if not shared, with your slave, your community, and those wishing to enter into it. So I will continue to look for topics to give My opinion about, yes opinion.

*** Disclaimer ***
My way of thinking doesn't fit everyone, nor does anyone elses, it is not My intention to tell anyone else here how they must see or do things, as there are as many views of what "the life" means to people as there are people in it.

24 Apr 2013

Very interesting thread. Probably the most intelligent feedback I have come across...snark attacks and all. But, I have to say, I don't understand the dom/sub thing at all. I get mail inviting me to respond if I'm in need of a Master. My initial reaction is to shake my head and chuckle...mostly because I don't understand the mentality of so-called subs that would allow themselves to be controlled so completely by another. Even IRL if I want to talk with someone, lets say at a club or a party or a bar...I'm going to whether my bf wants me to or not. Especially if his concern was entirely based on jealousy or control. Watch me take control, Buster! So I just don't understand some profiles that say they can only do or say something if they have permission from their Master. Sure, being a woman I am submissive by nature. That doesn't mean I am going to allow someone to completely control my every move and thought. And in the bedroom, my submission is based on the fact that I am smaller, weaker (physically) and I want to give myself to my lover. But shame on him if he abuses what I am giving him because I can change that in a heartbeat. Who is the Master now Buster? Hmmmm? And when I 'take control' of our lovemaking and roll him over to love on him...he is allowing me to take control. So, the whole thing seems to be a mental/sexual game that I don't understand. Something along the same line of roleplaying. I just don't understand the thrill.

Along the same lines, I don't understand peeps on Lush who say they swap as a lifestyle, with many, many affairs. I surely hope this just fantasy run amuck on a sex site. To me, it's creepy to think people in todays society are so sexually restless that they have to screw, dominate or submit to everything that walks. I don't think the human ego could realistically survive such an attack. But, since joining Lush I have been exposed to soooo much sexual preference that never even crossed my mind before. I apologize for sounding so closed-minded...especially on a site like this. But these are things I just can't wrap my mind around.

24 Apr 2013

Quote by Kristind
.mostly because I don't understand the mentality of so-called subs that would allow themselves to be controlled so completely by another.

this caught my eye. from an insider's pov, and i know this is fairly impossible to see from the outside, but as in insider, you'd be surprised at how much control the sub actually has - as a matter of fact, a lot of women are drawn to such relationships because of the need to have control. the sub helps set the limits of what occurs, how she is to be treated and, ultimatly, she is the one being catered too - it's her needs that the Domme caters to. she also has the ultimate power of putting a stop to whatever is happening with a single safe word. honestly, i, as a sub, can be incredibly controlling, even if it appears that i've given up control - the fact that it is MY CHOICE to relinquish control is very important. also, the fact that i have the power to take it back if i wish at any point in time.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

24 Apr 2013

Quote by sprite

this caught my eye. from an insider's pov, and i know this is fairly impossible to see from the outside, but as in insider, you'd be surprised at how much control the sub actually has - as a matter of fact, a lot of women are drawn to such relationships because of the need to have control. the sub helps set the limits of what occurs, how she is to be treated and, ultimately, she is the one being catered too - it's her needs that the Domme caters to. she also has the ultimate power of putting a stop to whatever is happening with a single safe word. honestly, i, as a sub, can be incredibly controlling, even if it appears that i've given up control - the fact that it is MY CHOICE to relinquish control is very important. also, the fact that i have the power to take it back if i wish at any point in time.

Thanx for being so nice Sprite. I feared that I was going to be bombarded with insult because of my unsophisticated post. :) I understand the safe word concept (was explained to me recently). So thats cool however some profiles say I can only talk to you if I have permission. Or, I can only cyber with you if I have permission. Or, I can't cyber at all because I'm not allowed. Doesn't sound like they have or want any control at all. And then you see pics of BDSM/Dom or porn of the same. My gawd...I call it ' by permission'. It's so violent. The lingering feeling, to me, is the sub is just an object with three fuck holes that are all going to be abused. Maybe there is much more to it than that but you lost me already.

24 Apr 2013

Quote by Kristind

Thanx for being so nice Sprite. I feared that I was going to be bombarded with insult because of my unsophisticated post. I understand the safe word concept (was explained to me recently). So thats cool however some profiles say I can only talk to you if I have permission. Or, I can only cyber with you if I have permission. Or, I can't cyber at all because I'm not allowed. Doesn't sound like they have or want any control at all. And then you see pics of BDSM/Dom or porn of the same. My gawd...I call it ' by permission'. It's so violent. The lingering feeling, to me, is the sub is just an object with three fuck holes that are all going to be abused. Maybe there is much more to it than that but you lost me already.

This community for the most part does not sling insults at those who do know understand or agree with the lifestyle just as we hope that how we choose to live is treated with the same respect by the vanilla world.

Sprite explained things very well as always. It takes a very strong individual to submit to another just as it takes a strong person to accept that gift and treat it with the utmost respect and love. Those who mail you asking you to be their sub or if you want a Master, are merely playing, they know nothing of how things really work in this lifestyle.

As Sprite said, the submissive sets the tone in the D/s relationship. We can end it at anytime. Those on the outside will never truly understand what his type of relationship is like or what is involved. Each one is different.

The sub is not an object with three fuck holes that are going to be abused. The submissive sets the limits as to what he or she is willing to do. The Master/Mistress's job is to test and push the soft limits and not cross the hard ones. Each person has different needs and desires and all those things are discussed fully.

True D/s relationships are not about abuse. Knowledge is key and power in life and with this type of relationship its imperative. Nobody should enter this lifestyle easily or hastily.

24 Apr 2013

Quote by Kristind

Thanx for being so nice Sprite. I feared that I was going to be bombarded with insult because of my unsophisticated post. I understand the safe word concept (was explained to me recently). So thats cool however some profiles say I can only talk to you if I have permission. Or, I can only cyber with you if I have permission. Or, I can't cyber at all because I'm not allowed. Doesn't sound like they have or want any control at all. And then you see pics of BDSM/Dom or porn of the same. My gawd...I call it ' by permission'. It's so violent. The lingering feeling, to me, is the sub is an object with three fuck holes that are all going to be abused. Maybe there is much more to it than that but you lost me already.

*hugs* there's really no need to be rude here - most people are genuinely curious and it IS something that is misunderstood a lot. :)

every couple has different sets of rules - honestly, there's a lot more to them than black or white at times. often, the sub requests some of those things you see in profiles; personally, i was a sub here, with a Mistress, and her rule not to cyber with anyone else was my out: when people would bug me to cyber, i could simply tell them "My Mistress doesn't allow me to." the truth is, i had ZERO interest in doing it, but telling them that usually led to them trying to convince me otherwise. this way, i had a hard and fast rule that i could throw up. end of conversation. No. don't ask again.

personally, the bit about not being able to add friends, chat with friends, etc, isn't my thing, and i would balk at any restriction to do so. that's just me, of course, and i'm a bit too social - once again, tho, this is often at the subs request - she's shy, she isn't interested in that kind of thing, etc - oh, and yes, there are some BDSM relationships, like any others, that might not be ideal. where the Dom really is a controlling jerk or it's unhealthy, certainly not saying there aren't.

as for the porn, you have to remember that most of it is entertainment - the girls talk about what's going to happen before hand, give their consent, are probably into it, or enough so that it's not an issue for them, and afterward collect a healthy paycheck. personally, some of the rougher stuff, i won't watch. it's disturbing to me as well! that said, in my personal life, i've done some things like that before. i've been flogged (and, afterwards, taken care of very gently), been tied down, been bitten, scratched, used very roughly, and i enjoy it - it's been by someone i love and trust and, honestly, it bothers her more than it does me, enough so that i know she'll never go past my limits. to an outsider, a few of our sessions would look like abuse. from inside, it's incredibly beautiful and tender in it's own way - that's how it feels to us, at least.

btw, this is a topic i feel strongly about and i think i have a lot of insight, so i'm always open to questions or comments or what have you. when i first got involved in bdsm, i didn't get it either, really - which led to a very abusive relationship that i had been convinced was the norm. now, i know better, and am in two very "rational" bdsm relationships, one here on line (first as a sub, now as a Mistress), and one with my real time wife who i've been with for 5 years now. :)

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

25 Apr 2013

Quote by Kristind

And then you see pics of BDSM/Dom or porn of the same. My gawd...I call it ' by permission'. It's so violent. The lingering feeling, to me, is the sub is just an object with three fuck holes that are all going to be abused. Maybe there is much more to it than that but you lost me already.

I've at times thought there was a film crew in my house. When things get hot... they get HOTT. What you have to remember is that the sub knows what is going to happen before it ever does in most cases. They enjoy it or they wouldn't consent to it. Different ppl have different thresholds for pain.. some have none at all. I can honestly say I've never been with a woman that didn't like to have their hair pulled during sex.. or a lil smack on the ass. It becomes a little distraction and usually makes her orgasm either sneak up on her... or hit so hard she almost passes out (has happened more than a few times). Some of us take it to another level or even the 43rd floor ;) but it is still all within what she is comfortable with and enjoys.

Have a small point about the "I'm not allowed to accept Pvt Msgs". As someone who knows.... We are responsible for our slave/sub... including their protection. We try to keep them out of any situation that may harm them either physically(ironic?) or mentally. Many times it is the request of the slave/sub to put that on their profile so other guys won't bug em. Also, I personally don't take my slave for granted, I am very proud of her and want others to know it. As my prized possession, I don't want others puttin their fingerprints on her, much like a work of art. (no.. I'm not insecure at all, if you think you're man enough to take her away, she'll tell you to fuck off herself. lol)

Knowledge is nothing if not shared, with your slave, your community, and those wishing to enter into it. So I will continue to look for topics to give My opinion about, yes opinion.

*** Disclaimer ***
My way of thinking doesn't fit everyone, nor does anyone elses, it is not My intention to tell anyone else here how they must see or do things, as there are as many views of what "the life" means to people as there are people in it.

25 Apr 2013

Quote by sprite

oh, and yes, there are some BDSM relationships, like any others, that might not be ideal. where the Dom really is a controlling jerk or it's unhealthy, certainly not saying there aren't.

Not to bump heads with sprite who I usually agree with, but...

Yes... some can be, but looking from the outside it would appear that ALL of our relationships are unhealthy to vanilla people. To view it from outside puts your own views on another relationship. We are each unique and as such each relationship is as well.

The degree of control is determined by the person giving it... what you may view as unhealthy may be exactly what that particular slave wants. As always there are many views in this lifestyle and if there were set rules to fit any relationship, we wouldn't be here having this discussion.

Knowledge is nothing if not shared, with your slave, your community, and those wishing to enter into it. So I will continue to look for topics to give My opinion about, yes opinion.

*** Disclaimer ***
My way of thinking doesn't fit everyone, nor does anyone elses, it is not My intention to tell anyone else here how they must see or do things, as there are as many views of what "the life" means to people as there are people in it.

25 Apr 2013

Quote by Kristind
Very interesting thread.

Best post of entire thread. For brevity, I merely referenced Kristin's 1st three words.

The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.

25 Apr 2013

Quote by BlackTalon

Not to bump heads with sprite who I usually agree with, but...

Yes... some can be, but looking from the outside it would appear that ALL of our relationships are unhealthy to vanilla people. To view it from outside puts your own views on another relationship. We are each unique and as such each relationship is as well.

The degree of control is determined by the person giving it... what you may view as unhealthy may be exactly what that particular slave wants. As always there are many views in this lifestyle and if there were set rules to fit any relationship, we wouldn't be here having this discussion.

not bumping heads, since i said some. just like there are some vanilla relationships where one or the other of the partners is a controlling jerk. it happens. not all relationships are perfect, whether they're inside or outside of the lifestyle. that's just how it is. and btw, that's not me looking in, that statement came from first hand experience. smile

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

27 Apr 2013

Quote by WellMadeMale

I liked you better when you were on vacation hiatus at domination spring training.

You bring your little slave over to me and I'll teach you what being a Master is all about. The cuckold lesson is just a bonus.