I don't want to whine about what these things have done to my body. I went from being fitter than most men in their twenties to substantially less within a year. I am in my mid fifties. Some things will never come back.
What I fear is twofold, leaving my family before my work is done. I made a promise and haven't done my job. Alternatively, health bills will leave my family destitute as I die a lingering death in a hospital bed - unacceptable. This has strained my marriage to the breaking point. The stupidity of the political situation just piles on. Maybe today is just another bad day.
Reading about how you have carried on gives me some hope in the face of adversity.
GReenMan,
Keep the faith brother. Chemo sucks. My second course almost killed me. Luckily, my PET Scans have been clear, though every twinge raises the fear that it is just waiting until you have a low point.
I hope you can keep your mental and emotional states solid. The oncologists can help with the physical, but they generally lack at the softer but equally impotant sides of you.
This is both a let-it-out post and one which celebrates the small wins. I think its mostly catharsis. I also cuss a lot, apologies!!
I am currently in a good place.
But only following the worst 8 weeks I have had in a long time, possibly ever. The suicidal ideation, it was the the worst I have ever experienced. The were days when all I could do was cry, profess how fucking worthless I am all i could think about was dying. I didn't want to fight any more. Life was just too much and I just couldn't.
I hadn't posted here because I was way too fucking fragile to talk about it but I think it's time I let it out. I realise it's controversial but if you wish to debate with me stick your opinions elsewhere, especially with the timing of IWD.
2016 was just the gift that kept on giving. First I had a really hard time with trauma memories and recollection at the start of the year. Then my husband (29 at the time) had a heart attack while we were watching TV together after never experiencing chest pain in his life. Was a big experience for him obviously but you never realise the impacts emergency situations have on observers and responders. Then he needed bypass surgery to fix a congenital anomaly. I had a complete mental breakdown soon after which I think I've talked about. Basically spent June-October not getting out of bed. Then when I was starting to feel better smashed my car and did about $10k worth of damage. Lastly, which could have been so much more, fell unexpectedly / unplannedly pregnant sometime in December. I remember being so positive about leaving 2017 behind and then 3-4 days in realising I was pregnant and it spiralled out of control. But I'm blaming 2016. FU 2016.
So three weeks ago I had a termination. The whole eight weeks was the worst fucking experience of my life. I had so many weeks of emotional grief over an unplanned pregnancy I more than "wanted" but knew was irresponsible to continue with. For various reasons it would have been utterly fucking reckless and selfish to even consider it. Mostly financially and situationally as my marriage has totally disintegrated and we are basically (to me) only living together amicably so that I can finish my university degree, qualify and then ensure that we both have a bit of equal footing to move forward and provide a future for the two children we already have. But I'm not pragmatic, I am an emotional person. I could also could see the possibility. I am also already a mum plus intimately acquainted with pregnancy at a health care level so I knew everything that was going on and could detect every change. I am clucky as hell and want nothing more than another baby. It was so hard to remove myself from that. My husband is ever the pragmatist and found it hard to even support me on an emotional level. I was so tired and sick and just utterly dysfunctional. I was low on money - the irony of thinking you should terminate a pregnancy because you cannot financially support another child and then not having the money to afford one is not lost on me, believe me.
The change of presidency and constant global dialogue about women's rights and the whole argument took its toll on me. It made me sad, it made me angry and sometimes it made me feel like such a shit human that yes I thought I'd be better of dead. Do you know how ridicvulous that sounds? That because I wanted a termination I ought to feel like I would be better off leaving the two that I already have? Believe me how much you can fracture a person who is in that place. It is not an easy decision. It is not as simple as buying a cup of coffee like some people seem to think.
Anyway. I finally made the decision comfortably and I am at peace with it, went for an appointment, ended up booked for the next day. Didn't have to think about it or I might have changed my mind. The most terrifying part of the ordeal was having to go back to the same hospital that caused me my traumas. It was hard. I went without support. I sat alone in pain for 5 hours. I was so scared that I was going to get SO MUCH WORSE mentally afterwards. But I was ok. I am ok. Once the symptoms and the anaesthetic and being drugged to the nines wore off all I felt was utter fucking relief. There are moments of guilt, it's hard when you can see the possibility... but I think I had so much emotional grief beforehand it was finally just an escape.
In the last two weeks I have felt better than I have in a long time. I have increased my meds (which my GP would not do before in case i continued) and had two weeks of fucking insomnia hell as a side effect but otherwise I am in such a good place. I am so tired, and I am foggy in my head, but I can breathe. Living doesn't hurt. Smiling comes naturally. I feel blessed and privileged to have come out of it feeling ok because there were moments in January when all I kept thinking was that if I had the means to do it there would be no questioning ending my life. I know its because my Pristiq obvoiously kicked in whilst I was under the influence of all those hormonal changes that I was able to come out ok and I am grateful.
I will never ever underestimate the power of medication again. I fought it for so long last year and finally, FINALLY after about 9 weeks of taking it consistently I feel almost 'free' from pain. Free from the constraints the all of the bashing and arguing that is anxiety and depression making me feel small. I needed to celebrate feeling good.
I still have my bad days. today i didn't get out of bed. But I'm not feeling weighed down by life, and I haven't felt that at all in at least a year.
*APU if you quote me please remove text. Tks.
SweetSinner,
I am glad you are doing better. The weight of the world is too muchfor any one person. Keep the faith
for you.
You're awesome, glad you're still around
