I've not been around much at all as my whole life seems to be in a shambles right now. I never know if I am coming or going and anyone that knows me will tell you I pretty much just smile and keep moving. Only a few people see beyond that smile. I've recently had a couple medical procedures and although they are very minor I keep being told my body has to heal properly. This is very difficult to do when the people around you don't give you the proper assistance you need. I have an almost three year old and one of my restrictions is lifting. Any mom here will tell you how difficult that task is.
There is so much more as I feel things very deeply for anyone I come in contact with. My heart has been heavy and the tears flow often for many reasons. I worry I am going to break soon. I am being pulled into many directions. My mental state is not even where it needs to be. I'm sorry for the rant I just really don't know where else to turn sometimes.
I feel the darkness coming again. Nothing is worse than the prison you make for yourself.
I was just hanging out, playing 'Latest Forum Topics' roulette, when I saw this, clicked on, and looked around. i was thinking: 'this is nice, people posting positive things' but when I went to Sprite's original post I was blown away.
This is one of the most worthwhile threads on Lush, and I hope Sprite is doing worlds better than when she spoke about herself in that post.
My father killed himself when I was 18. As the youngest of 8, I always wondered if he just waited until the last of his children reached majority.
A very difficult subject, but these are the subjects most deserving of careful consideration.
Today is a bad day. He makes me want to yell, scream, and cry all at once. How can one person make me feel so inadequate constantly? Why can't I have the courage to tell him how I feel? I can barely get out I'm having a bad day. He only thinks about himself and i know he's depressed but he refuses help at all. I feel lost and uncertain about life, the future, everything. I just want to hide away from it all. If it wasn't for my kids I think I would have just broken a long time ago. I just want the pain to stop sometimes and it doesn't. I never asks how I feel not that I would say anyway. How did life get this way? How am I scared of everything? Why do I let him get under my skin? I guess 16 years of marriage and three kids under his mom's roof are those answers. I don't know who I am or what I am going to be of do. On the outside I say with a great big smile I'm 40 and fabulous. On the inside I die a little more everyday.
Sorry for the vent. I really need to let it out and so much more. I have nowhere to go to talk so I came here. I need to allow the tears to stop before he gets home now. Hugs to you all.
I've known about the semi-colon project for a while now, and I remember loving the idea of having the semi-colon tattooed on my ankle. Although, I haven't gotten it yet since I haven't come to terms with everything that I am and have done. I'm not brave enough to share my whole story just yet but I'll get there.
I do love all the positivity this thread has though and would like to contribute as most positivity that I can muster to help anyone else who needs it. Everyone has a fascinating and heroic story of their own and it's beautiful to see everyone so willing to express themselves.
Hey, everyone. Sorry I've not been around much, just so busy with the kids and real life lately. Wanted to send you all hugs though.
I had a bit of a mind fuck recently. One of the things I considered after Paul (my late husband died) was finding out if he knew what was wrong with him. The Drs at the hospital certainly indicated that he must have. People close to me said it would do me no good to have that answer so on their advice I chose to leave it.
They were right; It does not do me any good to know. The kids and I were cleaning out the car at the weekend, and I found a load of letters from Drs he had hidden chasing him up for urgent liver function tests and missed appointments. All of them ignored. So he did know and chose to do nothing about it.
I'm pretty fucking angry right now. I try to understand his frame of mind and get that sometimes you don't want to be helped and it's easier to just bury your head in the sand, but for me, my beautiful children have always been enough for me to kick myself up the arse and deal with shit. Look at how much I have achieved in the last year, I didn't even know I could be that strong, and I did it all for them, and they are thriving.
I can't get my head around or seem to forgive him for not having the strength to do that for them. They were his kids too, and he put them through a loss like that rather than deal with his issues. Am I being too hard on him? Cause I have to tell you if he were here I would stab him in the eye or cock or wherever it would fucking hurt the most because they didn't have to go through that, he could have gotten help, and he chose not to.
It's my wedding anniversary Saturday, and I don't give a fuck. Really fucking angry right now. I didn't tell the kids what I'd found, but they knew something was up because I was furious. I still am. If one more person tells me he was doing it to protect me, I will fucking scream. He did no such thing; he did it because he was weak and a cock and because we were not important enough to him.
Yeah, I really didn't need to know this, my friends were right.
Rant over. Sorry.
On a positive note, we are off to Spain next Friday, and I am focusing on that instead of the utter betrayal of that weak arse sorry arse wankstain I was married too. I'm never going to shed another tear for that man ever again.
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sorry to hear about your dad - my wife's sister killed herself a few years before i made my attempt. obviously, she wasn't really happy with me, knowing that i knew how much that had wrecked her. i'd always been angry with her sister for putting her through all that, thinking 'how selfish' and then... well, i do get in now, i guess... 
