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Lush Limericks

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Little Jack Warner
Sat in his corner
With a finger in every pie.

A surprise lay in store
There was a knock on his door
Oh look, it's the F.B.I.
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
An orgasmic porn star named Sue
Was a hit as she writhed to a screw
Her climatic fame spread
With an ad blitz that said
'Cumming soon at a theatre near you!'
After midnight one night at Lush Towers,

(I'd been working late after hours...)

I came upon Lizzie and Rachel so busy

And wanked about that

Till I FLOWERED!!!!!

xx SF
I once had a BOSS name of Nicola...

Said, "I'm not quite really particular...

But if you use your voice against my choice

I'll hurt you in your testicular..."


xx SF
Trinket, the lady is called,
From conflict she runs - appalled!
Quiet and shy,
From drama she'll fly.
Now I am sure to be mauled.
There once was a man from Racine
who'd invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex,
it fit either sex,
but boy, was it a bitch to keep clean.
There once was a lady named Lucky,
Who used dynamite to give herself fucky.
They found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
And one of her tits in Kentucky
Quote by lynnwitt

Trinket, the lady is called,
From conflict she runs - appalled!
Quiet and shy,
From drama she'll fly.
Now I am sure to be mauled.





I'm sure you have the wrong trinket
Drama, she'll get dragged into It
She's a magnet that way
Doesn't even have to say
One word to be pulled into it.
"More tea, Vicar?"
(As she stepped out of her knickers...)

"Earl Grey or Darjeeling?"
She said and then kneeling

Proceeded to prove she's a licker.

xx SF
Dorothy, Dorothy, Dorothy,
If I could just say and quite positively,

I go quite round the bend
When you fuck with my friends

In our brand-new quite see-through conservatory.

xx SF
A couple they love to fuck
He loves his wife to cock suck
They use some whip cream
And both of them scream
They do all of this in his truck
Lush Member Handsome Dick
DEMANDED to be put in a LIMERICK!

Said, "I don't write myself, but maybe Steph Elf???????"

So I posted this one really quick!

xx SF
Writing saucy limericks on Sunday
Can really only end in just one way,

You will miss mass, fuck a whore up the ass,

And sinfully go to work Monday.

xx SF
I once fell in love with a duck...
(Although we never actually... kissed...)

She quacked, "Please CONSUMMATE ME! Have me! Take me!"

But even I've never been QUITE that pissed.


xx SF
There once was a girl named Trinket
In bed she wanted to kink it
i said that if she went gay
i'd show her the way
but she told me 'don't even think it!'

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

Quote by stephanie


I once fell in love with a duck...
(Although we never actually... kissed...)

She quacked, "Please CONSUMMATE ME! Have me! Take me!"

But even I've never been QUITE that pissed.


xx SF



epic fail smile

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

There once was a cat name of Cleo
Who occasionally flew down to Rio
she wrote poems about creams
and tuna fish dreams
and on my pillow she would pee-o.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

In the midst of a mid-life crisis,
I decided that I would join ISIS.

Not my cleverest punt since they're a bunch of cunts,

With no concept whatever of niceness.

xx SF
Said, "I'll give the Gay Lifestyle a try..."
(Oh, why, Oh Why, Oh WHY!?!)

Now my credit card's maxed and my arse has been taxed

And I'm hopeless in love WITH A BOY!

xx SF
"There are WORSE things to have than chlamydia..."
(I explained to my ex-girlfriend Lydia...)

She threatened homicide, so I got off-side

And am currently typing from Libya.


xx SF

(I'm not in Libya really. I made that up because Lydia is a member here. I'm somewhere else in The Third World where she won't find me. Ironically, I'm in Namibia which would have also scanned. You couldn't make it up, could you?)

Lydia: "HA! So you'e in NAMIBIA!!!!! I'm coming for you, you PESTILENT PRICK!!!"

Me: "Good luck with THAT! NAMIBIA is the SIZE OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE!!! TRY to FIND ME!!!!"

Lydia: "You're in RUNDU."

Me: "You're good, Lyd, I'll give you that..."

Lydia: "THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING YOU GAVE ME YOU SHIT!"
There once A girl named Carol
That wrote stories of sexual peril
Her husband was miffed
About her liking big dicks
So he bought her a dildo named Daryl
While listening to Hotel California,

I decided I should really warn 'ya...

My musical taste is a total disgrace

And I voted for Barak Obama.


xx SF
Quote by stephanie


While listening to Hotel California,

I decided I should really warn 'ya...

My musical taste is a total disgrace

And I voted for Barak Obama.


xx SF




I'm sure you would have if you were an American..

My favorite poet's A CAT!!!

Make what you will of all that...

But I just buy her books 'cos I fancy the looks

Of the girl who cleans up where she's shat.


xx SF


Talking about the cat shitting there, obviously... Not the girl... The GIRL being the one who cleans up cat-shit... Not THE GIRL shitting... That's a turn off, isn't it? (Although THEY DO...) But it's not what you want to think about, is it? It's a bit... Well, it's too real, isn't it... Picking up cat-shit? FINE!!! (Actually taking a shit herself? Well, it ruins it, doesn't it? Necessary, but not sexy... You don't want to think about it, do you... That's why you always give it a while after she goes in... PRIVACY...)


Nicola: "Tim Key will sue..."
(Actually, I'll DO ONE in the style of Tim Key!!!)

"On a ROLLERCOASTER..."

Never actually been on a rollercoaster... Stupid really... Can't see the point... Like a train that doesn't obey gravity and puts you back where you started... No point... Pointless.

"On a rollercoaster, I BOASTED!!!

Obvious mistake there... Nothing rhymes with boasted, really... Toasted, obviously... but we can't get there yet... Poetry... Never easy, is it?

"ON A ROLLERCOASTER, I BOASTED!

SOARING INTO THE HEAVENS WE ROASTED!!!"


Something there... Got the rhyme... Drama, obviously... Tension... Heat... Dadeleain/Icarian reference even, if you eh... It's all fuckin' Greek to you, isn't it?


"ON the ROLLERCOASTER I BOASTED!

SOARING INTO THE HEAVENS WE ROASTED!!!

I SAID 'I'M NOT AFRAID, YOU BEAUTEOUS MAID'..."



See, I had to SAY something there... Because I said 'boasted' earlier... Some kind of boast necessary then... Verbally... An utterance... To qualify... Technique, really... Practice... Notice I CHANGED it to 'THE' rollercoaster... More immediate... Dramatic... Romance?


"ON the ROLLERCOASTER, I BOASTED!

SOARING INTO THE HEAVENS WE ROASTED!!!

I SAID 'I'M NOT AFRAID, YOU BEAUTEOUS MAID'...

BUT IF THIS THING FUCKS UP WE ARE TOASTED!!!"



xx SF
There once was a blonde babysitter
Who was fucking the vampire that bit her
About the sun they forgot
Because the sex was so hot
So they burned when the first daylight hit her
A little kindness can be so valuable, yet costs almost nothing

In many countries being gay is a crime, and even in modern societies, politicians try to legalise discrimination. Your voice can make a difference. Have a look at All Out to find out how.


Hey... pssst.... that's an l (as in luscious) at the end of my name, not an i
Wasting a day off watching Snakes on a Plane
They're calling for snow this week, why not rain
Back to work tomorrow I go and earn
Over and over when will I learn
To get things done on time, I'm off now in search of my brain