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sacrifice happiness
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I think you do that when they get born
Quote by KingOfLove
if you have to choose between your happiness and your kids happiness, which one would you choose?...can you sacrifice your happiness for your kids
When you decide to become a parent, your own needs should be and are often put on hold for your child(ren) ~ therefore, you give up a lot (sometimes including happiness) for the sake of their happiness. If that concept is unappealling .... don't have any children! If you think you can foresake your child(ren)'s happiness for your own, you are, simply, selfish.
When the foundations are secure and your child is ready to be a responsible adult in society ~ then you can go find your happiness.
Cheers!
when i became a mom my ultimate commitment became to my children. i am committed to raising them in a happy healthy dual parent home. that means i give up all kinds of little happinesses like...
using the bathroom alone
having a bed to myself all the time
going any place alone
spending all my money on myself
travelling anywhere anywhen
and these are to just name a few things. plus i will sacrifice the ultimate happiness. ill stay in a marriage i am not perfectly happy in (provided that a healthy environment is maintained). i see no point at all in ripping my kids family apart because i'm no longer "in love" with my mate. we made them together and i believe we should raise them together. but i am of the opinion that it is the degradation of the family unit that is a major contributor to the weakening and rotting out of society. that men and women who make children together need to put their own petty wants and desires aside and focus on creating the best and safest home they can so that we might raise happy well adjusted emotionally secure adults.
using the bathroom alone
having a bed to myself all the time
going any place alone
spending all my money on myself
travelling anywhere anywhen
and these are to just name a few things. plus i will sacrifice the ultimate happiness. ill stay in a marriage i am not perfectly happy in (provided that a healthy environment is maintained). i see no point at all in ripping my kids family apart because i'm no longer "in love" with my mate. we made them together and i believe we should raise them together. but i am of the opinion that it is the degradation of the family unit that is a major contributor to the weakening and rotting out of society. that men and women who make children together need to put their own petty wants and desires aside and focus on creating the best and safest home they can so that we might raise happy well adjusted emotionally secure adults.
Quote by LittleMissBitch
when i became a mom my ultimate commitment became to my children. i am committed to raising them in a happy healthy dual parent home. that means i give up all kinds of little happinesses like...
using the bathroom alone
having a bed to myself all the time
going any place alone
spending all my money on myself
travelling anywhere anywhen
and these are to just name a few things. plus i will sacrifice the ultimate happiness. ill stay in a marriage i am not perfectly happy in (provided that a healthy environment is maintained). i see no point at all in ripping my kids family apart because i'm no longer "in love" with my mate. we made them together and i believe we should raise them together. but i am of the opinion that it is the degradation of the family unit that is a major contributor to the weakening and rotting out of society. that men and women who make children together need to put their own petty wants and desires aside and focus on creating the best and safest home they can so that we might raise happy well adjusted emotionally secure adults.
it was my question..all people believe love ends one day..it makes me scare..if my love ends one day, i ll divorce..and children will grow up with step dad and mom
Quote by KingOfLove
if you have to choose between your happiness and your kids happiness, which one would you choose?...can you sacrifice your happiness for your kids
so reading your response above, your original question isn't complete.
you meant to state: do you chose your family for the sake of your kids, or do you say fuck it, and get a divorce in order to be happier?
Sorry that I didn't interpret your question correctly .... I guess my reading between the lines are not that well honed yet.
Clumeleon
A broken home does not necessarily mean an unhappy one. My sister and I couldn't have wished for a better upbringing with the love and support of both of our parents, even though they weren't together.
In the long run, the happiness of the child must come before your own. If you honestly think that an amicable divorce would cause irreparable damage to your children, then you should absolutely stay put. If you are deeply unhappy in your relationship, it will probably start to impact the family dynamic as a whole and no one will be happy, so you should leave.
Sometimes a little bit of unhappiness is worth it for some long-term happiness all round. Every situation is different, obviously. I would say, if you and your partner are going to split, depending on the age of the children, involve them as much as you can and help them to see that their life will be different but not worse.
Simply my opinion. I am by no means an expert in this area but I know a lot of people whose parents are separated and know that it doesn't have to result in unhappiness for anyone.
In the long run, the happiness of the child must come before your own. If you honestly think that an amicable divorce would cause irreparable damage to your children, then you should absolutely stay put. If you are deeply unhappy in your relationship, it will probably start to impact the family dynamic as a whole and no one will be happy, so you should leave.
Sometimes a little bit of unhappiness is worth it for some long-term happiness all round. Every situation is different, obviously. I would say, if you and your partner are going to split, depending on the age of the children, involve them as much as you can and help them to see that their life will be different but not worse.
Simply my opinion. I am by no means an expert in this area but I know a lot of people whose parents are separated and know that it doesn't have to result in unhappiness for anyone.
i think some parents dont want to struggle for problems, even if they are not serious problem. and they decide to divorce so easy without thinking the future of children. still we have no idea the effect of divorce families on society. some research result:
the results of 92 studies involving 13,000 children ranging from preschool to young adulthood to determine what the overall results indicated. The overall result of this analysis was that children from divorced families are on "average" somewhat worse off than children who have lived in intact families. These children have more difficulty in school, more behavior problems, more negative self-concepts, more problems with peers, and more trouble getting along with their parents....
other reports that 90% of adolescent boys and girls in intact families were within the normal range on problems and 10% had serious problems that we would generally require some type of professional help. The percentages for divorced families were 74% of the boys and 66% of the girls in the normal range and 26% of the boys and 34% of the girls were in the problematic range....
as we can do everything for our business career, we dont try to struggle for our children...of course, if there is so serious problem in the marriage (like everyday fight), it can be worse than divorce...I am trying to understand when we have to give up struggle for our marriage...what is the degree of happiness or unhappiness...or maybe we just divorce for new adventures
the results of 92 studies involving 13,000 children ranging from preschool to young adulthood to determine what the overall results indicated. The overall result of this analysis was that children from divorced families are on "average" somewhat worse off than children who have lived in intact families. These children have more difficulty in school, more behavior problems, more negative self-concepts, more problems with peers, and more trouble getting along with their parents....
other reports that 90% of adolescent boys and girls in intact families were within the normal range on problems and 10% had serious problems that we would generally require some type of professional help. The percentages for divorced families were 74% of the boys and 66% of the girls in the normal range and 26% of the boys and 34% of the girls were in the problematic range....
as we can do everything for our business career, we dont try to struggle for our children...of course, if there is so serious problem in the marriage (like everyday fight), it can be worse than divorce...I am trying to understand when we have to give up struggle for our marriage...what is the degree of happiness or unhappiness...or maybe we just divorce for new adventures
Clumeleon
Having just read what I posted earlier, I sound really pro-divorce. I'm not. If a marriage can be worked on, you should absolutely do whatever you can to try to make it work, especially where kids are involved. I'm just saying that if separation does seem to be the only solution, it doesn't have to mean that your kids suffer too much. Marriage shouldn't be a 'struggle', but it does take work sometimes.
As for all the statistics, I wouldn't concern yourself with them too much. There are examples the world over of children flourishing in all kinds of 'unconventional' environments. You know your own kids. It's up to you and your wife to overcome those odds, and it can be done.
I also wanted to add something from a Buddhist point of view. If you and your wife are living happy and fulfilling lives, whether together or apart, that happiness will emanate into your society and your environment. Good causes result in good effects. In other words, if you're happy, your kids will be happy, too.
I hope that even one word of what I have written is helpful. I wish you and your family all the best in whatever the future holds for you.
As for all the statistics, I wouldn't concern yourself with them too much. There are examples the world over of children flourishing in all kinds of 'unconventional' environments. You know your own kids. It's up to you and your wife to overcome those odds, and it can be done.
I also wanted to add something from a Buddhist point of view. If you and your wife are living happy and fulfilling lives, whether together or apart, that happiness will emanate into your society and your environment. Good causes result in good effects. In other words, if you're happy, your kids will be happy, too.
I hope that even one word of what I have written is helpful. I wish you and your family all the best in whatever the future holds for you.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by KingOfLove
if you have to choose between your happiness and your kids happiness, which one would you choose?...can you sacrifice your happiness for your kids
Done.... choice was easy......my happiness was sacrificed the thought process was long and hard.... took less than a second..... I lost my shot at being with my one and I think only truest love ever because of my choice......
So to answer your question.... YES, but not just happiness...... safety.......too
But knowing what I know now and the heartache I have gone through.... would I do it again is a different question.
Knowing what I know now about my choice.... Fuckin Oath I would do it again.... there is no question......that will never be a question with me...... ever.....
................................
Rubber Ducky your the one, you make my life so much fun
Advanced Wordsmith
Quote by KingOfLove
i think some parents dont want to struggle for problems, even if they are not serious problem. and they decide to divorce so easy without thinking the future of children. still we have no idea the effect of divorce families on society. some research result:
the results of 92 studies involving 13,000 children ranging from preschool to young adulthood to determine what the overall results indicated. The overall result of this analysis was that children from divorced families are on "average" somewhat worse off than children who have lived in intact families. These children have more difficulty in school, more behavior problems, more negative self-concepts, more problems with peers, and more trouble getting along with their parents....
other reports that 90% of adolescent boys and girls in intact families were within the normal range on problems and 10% had serious problems that we would generally require some type of professional help. The percentages for divorced families were 74% of the boys and 66% of the girls in the normal range and 26% of the boys and 34% of the girls were in the problematic range....
as we can do everything for our business career, we dont try to struggle for our children...of course, if there is so serious problem in the marriage (like everyday fight), it can be worse than divorce...I am trying to understand when we have to give up struggle for our marriage...what is the degree of happiness or unhappiness...or maybe we just divorce for new adventures
I think the childrens happiness is paramount. there are only two people that can decide what is best and that is the mum and dad.Once a childs happiness is affected by the parents unhappiness the whole situation must be assesed by the parents and maybe the children(depending on age).The original question is not specific to circumstances but the circumstances can be so diverse that the original question could not be answered by anybody on here unless they are personally involved . I take on your observation that struggle/success at work is more tolerated than marriage but I think that is more male(hunter/gatherer) than female orientated..............just my opinion!
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by LittleMissBitch
when i became a mom my ultimate commitment became to my children. i am committed to raising them in a happy healthy dual parent home. that means i give up all kinds of little happinesses like...
using the bathroom alone
having a bed to myself all the time
going any place alone
spending all my money on myself
travelling anywhere anywhen
and these are to just name a few things. plus i will sacrifice the ultimate happiness. ill stay in a marriage i am not perfectly happy in (provided that a healthy environment is maintained). i see no point at all in ripping my kids family apart because i'm no longer "in love" with my mate. we made them together and i believe we should raise them together. but i am of the opinion that it is the degradation of the family unit that is a major contributor to the weakening and rotting out of society. that men and women who make children together need to put their own petty wants and desires aside and focus on creating the best and safest home they can so that we might raise happy well adjusted emotionally secure adults.
I understand this more than most.
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
Alpha Blonde
Quote by KingOfLove
the results of 92 studies involving 13,000 children ranging from preschool to young adulthood to determine what the overall results indicated. The overall result of this analysis was that children from divorced families are on "average" somewhat worse off than children who have lived in intact families. These children have more difficulty in school, more behavior problems, more negative self-concepts, more problems with peers, and more trouble getting along with their parents....
I would like to know the stats on families that stayed together even though the parents were outwardly miserable. These stats probably only reflect happy/intact families versus divorced families. What about the unhappy/intact families?
Here's a simple formula to follow:
Happy parents = Happy children
If you are unhappy, staying together, sleeping in separate bedrooms, fighting in front of your kids, having affairs/lack of trust, display open resentment, barely tolerating each other and taking separate vacations... Your kids are being affected. Don't be so naive as to think "well as long as we technically live in the same house and don't get divorced, the kids are better off." Kids need to be around a happy and fulfilled mom and dad and they need to learn what healthy and loving relationships are about. Also, as they get older, they don't appreciate knowing that their existence was the cause for the ultimate sacrifice of their parent's individual happiness (talk about pressure!). This will often cause perfectionism/conformity in the early years (wanting to justify and make up for their parent's sacrifice) and likely will result in rebellion/issues as they get older and try to deal with all these suppressed feelings and guilt... or even worse, it might set them up to become relationship martyrs in their own lives via the examples that were set for them growing up.
If the mom and dad are great actors and can pull off the "staying together for the kids" thing in a way that doesn't seem outwardly obvious then good for them. But nobody should look at stats like these and think that they're going to turn out well-adjusted and happy kids just because they all live in the same house. In my opinion, unhappy/intact families are often far more damaging to a child's development than divorced ones.
If people are staying together solely for the 'children's sake', then they should also be able to work at pulling off an amicable divorce for their 'children's sake' too, should it come to that.
Quote by Dancing_DollQuote by KingOfLove
the results of 92 studies involving 13,000 children ranging from preschool to young adulthood to determine what the overall results indicated. The overall result of this analysis was that children from divorced families are on "average" somewhat worse off than children who have lived in intact families. These children have more difficulty in school, more behavior problems, more negative self-concepts, more problems with peers, and more trouble getting along with their parents....
I would like to know the stats on families that stayed together even though the parents were outwardly miserable. These stats probably only reflect happy/intact families versus divorced families. What about the unhappy/intact families?
Here's a simple formula to follow:
Happy parents = Happy children
If you are unhappy, staying together, sleeping in separate bedrooms, fighting in front of your kids, having affairs/lack of trust, display open resentment, barely tolerating each other and taking separate vacations... Your kids are being affected. Don't be so naive as to think "well as long as we technically live in the same house and don't get divorced, the kids are better off." Kids need to be around a happy and fulfilled mom and dad and they need to learn what healthy and loving relationships are about. Also, as they get older, they don't appreciate knowing that their existence was the cause for the ultimate sacrifice of their parent's individual happiness (talk about pressure!). This will often cause perfectionism/conformity in the early years (wanting to justify and make up for their parent's sacrifice) and likely will result in rebellion/issues as they get older and try to deal with all these suppressed feelings and guilt... or even worse, it might set them up to become relationship martyrs in their own lives via the examples that were set for them growing up.
If the mom and dad are great actors and can pull off the "staying together for the kids" thing in a way that doesn't seem outwardly obvious then good for them. But nobody should look at stats like these and think that they're going to turn out well-adjusted and happy kids just because they all live in the same house. In my opinion, unhappy/intact families are often far more damaging to a child's development than divorced ones.
If people are staying together solely for the 'children's sake', then they should also be able to work at pulling off an amicable divorce for their 'children's sake' too, should it come to that.
Amen!
thanks for your all answers...all you are right..I just wanted to discuss about marriage, divorce, and its effect on our children..maybe we decide so easy to get marry or have children..one more thing about divorce, maybe you want to see it
It is frequently reported that the divorce rate in America is 50%.
for more information, you can look at (divorcerate.org)
It is frequently reported that the divorce rate in America is 50%.
for more information, you can look at (divorcerate.org)
Artistic Tart
If you "stay together for the kids", then that's pretty much conceding that the marriage is broken. If the marriage is broken, then you're raising children in a dysfunctional environment. It really doesn't matter how many oscar-worthy performances you put together at the dinner table, kids aren't stupid, they pick up on it.
This being the case, what about the fact that your children will not know first hand what a healthy, loving relationship looks like?
This being the case, what about the fact that your children will not know first hand what a healthy, loving relationship looks like?
Quote by LadyX
If you "stay together for the kids", then that's pretty much conceding that the marriage is broken. If the marriage is broken, then you're raising children in a dysfunctional environment. It really doesn't matter how many oscar-worthy performances you put together at the dinner table, kids aren't stupid, they pick up on it.
This being the case, what about the fact that your children will not know first hand what a healthy, loving relationship looks like?
my marriage is broken, i think, anyway. but i CHOOSE to make the environment very functional and happy. because i am happy, i am fufilled. there are no strained smiles at my dinner table or barely contained seething anger. my husband and i are friends and we are raising our kids together. the biggest thing i think my kids are missing out on is seeing a lot of hand holding and kissing...physical affection between my husband and i. and hey...if missing out on seeing that drives them to the therapists couch then they can just join the club. ;)
i looked at our situation carefully when making this choice and if we were fighting and going at it....if we actively hated each other then i would go. but as that is not the case i am happy with my choices. but that is what i mean about sucking it up too. you can choose to NOT fight and scream you can choose to NOT let your petty bullshit bleed out all over the kids. is my choice the best one? for me and my kids i say yes....for anybody else? i have no idea.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by LittleMissBitchQuote by LadyX
If you "stay together for the kids", then that's pretty much conceding that the marriage is broken. If the marriage is broken, then you're raising children in a dysfunctional environment. It really doesn't matter how many oscar-worthy performances you put together at the dinner table, kids aren't stupid, they pick up on it.
This being the case, what about the fact that your children will not know first hand what a healthy, loving relationship looks like?
my marriage is broken, i think, anyway. but i CHOOSE to make the environment very functional and happy. because i am happy, i am fufilled. there are no strained smiles at my dinner table or barely contained seething anger. my husband and i are friends and we are raising our kids together. the biggest thing i think my kids are missing out on is seeing a lot of hand holding and kissing...physical affection between my husband and i. and hey...if missing out on seeing that drives them to the therapists couch then they can just join the club. ;)
i looked at our situation carefully when making this choice and if we were fighting and going at it....if we actively hated each other then i would go. but as that is not the case i am happy with my choices. but that is what i mean about sucking it up too. you can choose to NOT fight and scream you can choose to NOT let your petty bullshit bleed out all over the kids. is my choice the best one? for me and my kids i say yes....for anybody else? i have no idea.
I'm going to jump on board with LMB here. There is a difference between a broken marriage and a totally clusterfucked marriage with daily yelling, screaming, fighting, physicality, hatred, etc... Most marriages that dissolve or marriages where one or both parties stay "for the children" are not the drama filled hatred spewing melodramas that we see on tv and movies. As happens quite often, only one of the two spouses is staying in it for the kids. Usually the other one is unaware of the level of unhappiness in his/her spouse.
My marriage is in shambles. But like LMB we aren't storming around the house in constant battle. For the most part, I'm a happy person that enjoys life. My wife and I work together to ensure our kids get everything they need from us, individually and dually. We do many many things as a family. We work together doing yard work and house work. And checking homework. If one child has a teacher conference or dance recital, we both go... together. We discuss current events and engage each other and our kids in conversation. We are parents just like everyone else. Sure, from time to time we'll have a disagreement about something small and inconsequential and the kids may see a minute or two of debate. But all kids see that, and they should so they can learn how to handle such things. Whenever we get into a really heated argument about more serious issues, we do it in private. Usually after the kids have gone to sleep.
Being in a shitty marriage doesn't mean a person is a shitty parent. There are plenty shitty parents out there, but chances are they were shitty people first.
Despite what Hollywood may have us believe, walking out of a marriage isn't so cut and dry. There are many many things to weigh in that decision. Never be so sure what you'd do in a situation until you actually are in that situation. We've all known people that have thought about and rued over and worried about leaving or being left. And it almost always takes months, sometimes years for any action to be taken. That itself should prove that jsut saying "it's over" and starting anew isnt' easy nor is it the norm.
My kids are growing up normal and seeing the same things I, and my wife, did as children. My folks have been married over 50 years. Hers over 40 years. My wife and I put our petty differences aside for the kids. Some may think they can pick up on it, but there is nothing to pick up on. It's not acting, it is a true and unwaivering love for THEM that makes us raise them as best we can. Teach them right from wrong, kiss boo-boos, tuck into bed, go over homework, celebrate small victories, discipline for bad behavior. All the while we work as a team for them. That does not change.
Whatever kids pick up from their parents would be the same things they'd pick up if the parents were seperated/divorced. People are who they are no matter the living situation. One day my marriage, probably sooner than later, will dissolve. When it does, it will happen after we decide that it's best for everyone. The manner in which we raise and love our children will remain constant.
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
Active Ink Slinger
If my children are happy - I am too. No sacrifice involved.
Active Ink Slinger
You find a way to make it work - there is no such thing as a perfect marrige. Everyone one has difficult times - no one persons marrige is the same, so to try and compare one relationship to the next is impossible. The same goes for judging people who stay together for their children - this is an individual choice based on so many different factors that only the people involved can truely understand the extent of the state of their marrige. So I suspect that we should only really be reviewing our own relationships and not others.
Isolation - A Tale Of Star-Crossed Lovers
By
hartclass & CumGirl
By
hartclass & CumGirl
Artistic Tart
Quote by KingOfLoveQuote by hartclass
this is an individual choice based on so many different factors that only the people involved can truely understand the extent of the state of their marrige. So I suspect that we should only really be reviewing our own relationships and not others.
agree with you
I'd agree also in most every case. However, not reviewing or discussing this subject as it relates to each other would defeat the entire purpose of posting it on a public forum, no?
Quote by LadyXQuote by KingOfLoveQuote by hartclass
this is an individual choice based on so many different factors that only the people involved can truely understand the extent of the state of their marrige. So I suspect that we should only really be reviewing our own relationships and not others.
agree with you
I'd agree also in most every case. However, not reviewing or discussing this subject as it relates to each other would defeat the entire purpose of posting it on a public forum, no?
nobody try to win or defeat...if the divorce rate in America is 50%, I think it is worth talking about
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by LadyXQuote by KingOfLoveQuote by hartclass
this is an individual choice based on so many different factors that only the people involved can truely understand the extent of the state of their marrige. So I suspect that we should only really be reviewing our own relationships and not others.
agree with you
I'd agree also in most every case. However, not reviewing or discussing this subject as it relates to each other would defeat the entire purpose of posting it on a public forum, no?
I understand the purpose of discussing this matter on a public forum - a sensitive and emotive subject. Having read several of the posts, it is clear that many people put the care and duty of their family (children) above their own personal happiness. The definition of what constitutes a happy marrige is also far from clear but the responsibility of the parents must always be for the welfare of the children - only my opinion.
Isolation - A Tale Of Star-Crossed Lovers
By
hartclass & CumGirl
By
hartclass & CumGirl
Artistic Tart
Right on, Hartclass. The definition of happy marriage and healthy family is really what's being discussed.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by LadyX
Right on, Hartclass. The definition of happy marriage and healthy family is really what's being discussed.
Both of which are complex and difficult subjects. Where they share the same thread is that the individuals, health, mental state and physical well being are not being directly effected or damaged in any way.
Isolation - A Tale Of Star-Crossed Lovers
By
hartclass & CumGirl
By
hartclass & CumGirl
Artistic Tart
Quote by YahtzeeQuote by LadyX
Right on, Hartclass. The definition of happy marriage and healthy family is really what's being discussed.
too bad the original question was not posted that way!
LOL indeed!