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STEPH IS OUT OF DATE!!!

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"If It Was Raining Soup, I'd Be Holding A Fork..."

So, I go to examine my passport today and discover it's three months out-of-date... Since I'm flying in 11 days, I've now got to get an Express Issue Passport, which costs $125 and a small child... Plus, I'll have to get photographed, make a declaration to the Police, queue for about a fucking weekend... I LIKED my old passport. It had cool visas in it from exotic places. Now I'm going to look like some C**T who has never been in an airplane in his life... You know how much $125 is in LONDON MONEY? FOUR FUCKING DRINKS! So already, before I even get there, I'm 45 minutes drinking in debt.

It's going to look suspicious, isn't it? "Sir, your passport was issued only this week... Have you travelled to the UK before?" says Mr Special Branch as he pulls on a latex glove... Do you know, I've never let even a Girlfriend do that! My DOCTOR has never even done THAT! Customs Men and Special Branch Officers, on the other hand? I've had more COPS fingers up my Thwoop than a drunken nurse on New Year's Eve. (You can tell the Nice Cops... They blow on the finger to warm it first...) And they say STUPID THINGS to you to as they do it... To RELAX you... "You here for business or pleasure, Sir?" "Well, it was business but if you could wiggle that finger a bit, Detective Sergeant..." (Got 18 months for that one...) Also, don't do what I did and gasp and pant while whispering, "Gentler, Darling..."

WHO, these days, I ASK you, smuggles Class A drugs by shoving them up your arse? NOBODY DOES!!! (You put them in a tied-condom, swallow them and, when you are safely checked into your hotel, take a crap in the bath...) IT'S COMMON SENSE!!! (Here's a serious drug-smuggling tip, BTW... DON'T use condoms. Use those latex gloves! You get FIVE TIMES the packaging!!! Plus, you're using THEIR tools against them!!!)


xx SF
Mysteria27
Prolific Writer
Quote by stephanie


"If It Was Raining Soup, I'd Be Holding A Fork..."

So, I go to examine my passport today and discover it's three months out-of-date... Since I'm flying in 11 days, I've now got to get an Express Issue Passport, which costs $125 and a small child... Plus, I'll have to get photographed, make a declaration to the Police, queue for about a fucking weekend... I LIKED my old passport. It had cool visas in it from exotic places. Now I'm going to look like some C**T who has never been in an airplane in his life... You know how much $125 is in LONDON MONEY? FOUR FUCKING DRINKS! So already, before I even get there, I'm 45 minutes drinking in debt.

It's going to look suspicious, isn't it? "Sir, your passport was issued only this week... Have you travelled to the UK before?" says Mr Special Branch as he pulls on a latex glove... Do you know, I've never let even a Girlfriend do that! My DOCTOR has never even done THAT! Customs Men and Special Branch Officers, on the other hand? I've had more COPS fingers up my Thwoop than a drunken nurse on New Year's Eve. (You can tell the Nice Cops... They blow on the finger to warm it first...) And they say STUPID THINGS to you to as they do it... To RELAX you... "You here for business or pleasure, Sir?" "Well, it was business but if you could wiggle that finger a bit, Detective Sergeant..." (Got 18 months for that one...) Also, don't do what I did and gasp and pant while whispering, "Gentler, Darling..."

WHO, these days, I ASK you, smuggles Class A drugs by shoving them up your arse? NOBODY DOES!!! (You put them in a tied-condom, swallow them and, when you are safely checked into your hotel, take a crap in the bath...) IT'S COMMON SENSE!!! (Here's a serious drug-smuggling tip, BTW... DON'T use condoms. Use those latex gloves! You get FIVE TIMES the packaging!!! Plus, you're using THEIR tools against them!!!)


xx SF




Stephen:

This was quite entertaining. You're so funny. I'm surprised you didn't know that Passports expire after 10 years. You're a seasoned traveler. Giggles.

Hope you get it all sorted.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mysteria

Steph - Myst. I had a secretary 10 years ago!

Myst: If you pay me, I'll help you.

Steph: I already spent 125.00 on a new passport

Myst: I won't do it for free

Steph: FUCK YOU THEN

Myst: DITTO

XO
Guest
Lurker
Quote by Mysteria27




Stephen:

This was quite entertaining. You're so funny. I'm surprised you didn't know that Passports expire after 10 years. You're a seasoned traveler. Giggles.

Hope you get it all sorted.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mysteria

Steph - Myst. I had a secretary 10 years ago!

Myst: If you pay me, I'll help you.

Steph: I already spent 125.00 on a new passport

Myst: I won't do it for free

Steph: FUCK YOU THEN

Myst: DITTO

XO



"If you pay me I'll help you..."

xx SF

(Say that in a LATVIAN accent and that's My Thursday...)
nicola
Matriarch
I think it's great they are allowing you to travel again, after the last time...
Guest
Lurker
Quote by nicola
I think it's great they are allowing you to travel again, after the last time...


*IT WASN'T A REAL FUCKING GUN THAT I WAS TRYING TO SMUGGLE ONTO THE FUCKING 'PLANE!!!"

xx SF

Nicola: "He's being serious..."
Guest
Lurker
True Story. (hi Jayne...)

Every year, in April, I travel to a Convention in London where myself and about 10,000 other NERDS discuss Military History and associated stuff...

Nicola: "You paint little soldier men..."

Me: "AM I TELLING THIS STORY OR ARE YOU NICOLA?"

Nicola: "Go on."

Anyway... It IS a nerdy pursuit. I always endeavour to make it look a bit cooler by dressing up. Last April, I chose a STEAMPUNK theme... (Top Hat, Edwardian dress, AND A RESIN PISTOL THAT LOOKED INCREDIBLY REAL!!!)

Going OVER was no problem. (I put THE PIECE in my declared luggage...)

ON THE WAY BACK, flying from Stanstead, (Never Again...) I was PLUCKED OUT OF THE QUEUE and Up-Graded!!! I was WALKED THROUGH all the queues to baggage check in... My wheelie case in my hand. THe COPS opened the case. There is a fucking GUN in the case...

Now, IT'S NOT A REAL GUN!!! It wasn't even supposed to be in HAND LUGGAGE!!! YOU TOOK ME OUT OF THE QUEUE YOU ENGLISH BASTARDS!!!



Ever try to explain what STEAMPUNK COS-PLAY is to two Security Agents?

Three Quarters of an hour later, in the (I'm not kidding...) Sycamore Interrogation Room at Stanstead Airport, two GIGGLING Special Branch Coppers send me upon my way... (They KEPT the GUN!!!)

IT DIDN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE A REAL GUN!!! (And it cost a FORTUNE!!!)

http://www.sharecg.com/images/medium/63451.jpg

xx SF
ChuckEPoo
Chuckanator
Steph, you are one funny guy. I was laughing my ass off but your story about the inspectors triggered a thought of what happened to me when I went to Italy on business. The day I was coming home there was a terrorist orange alert. I have knee and hip prosthetics so when I go through the body scan it is triggered. They usually just wand me but because of the orange alert they decided to search me. I went into a room with three inspectors. None of which spoke English. They motioned for me to remove my shoes shirt and trousers. I went a step further and dropped my boxers too. So I stood there with my dingle berry hanging out. They were all shaking their hands no. I guess they figured it wasn't a deadly weapon.
Guest
Lurker
Quote by ChuckEPoo
Steph, you are one funny guy. I was laughing my ass off but your story about the inspectors triggered a thought of what happened to me when I went to Italy on business. The day I was coming home there was a terrorist orange alert. I have knee and hip prosthetics so when I go through the body scan it is triggered. They usually just wand me but because of the orange alert they decided to search me. I went into a room with three inspectors. None of which spoke English. They motioned for me to remove my shoes shirt and trousers. I went a step further and dropped my boxers too. So I stood there with my dingle berry hanging out. They were all shaking their hands no. I guess they figured it wasn't a deadly weapon.


Fucking Terrorists!!!

(I can understand suicide vests and hi-jacking aeroplanes!!!)

*BUT WHEN THEY START USING ORANGES!!!!*

Those BASTARDS! (Using CITRUS!!!)

xx SF

CRAP JOKE TO FOLLOW:

"Irish Terrorists were so polite... They'd 'phone up and say where the bomb was... 'Hello? Hello??? Oh sorry, bad line... Listen, we've planted a bomb in the Brighton Conference Centre... Where exactly? Fuck, I don't know, I'm just the guy that makes the 'phone call... What? DON'T YOU FUCKING SHOUT AT ME I'M TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING HERE!!! Don't shoot the fucking messenger!!!"

xx SF
elizabethblack
Awesome Lady
A little cheer - it's so sad when you are upset
Kiera
Short Arse Brit
Quote by stephanie


"If It Was Raining Soup, I'd Be Holding A Fork..."

So, I go to examine my passport today and discover it's three months out-of-date... Since I'm flying in 11 days, I've now got to get an Express Issue Passport, which costs $125 and a small child... Plus, I'll have to get photographed, make a declaration to the Police, queue for about a fucking weekend... I LIKED my old passport. It had cool visas in it from exotic places. Now I'm going to look like some C**T who has never been in an airplane in his life... You know how much $125 is in LONDON MONEY? FOUR FUCKING DRINKS! So already, before I even get there, I'm 45 minutes drinking in debt.

It's going to look suspicious, isn't it? "Sir, your passport was issued only this week... Have you travelled to the UK before?" says Mr Special Branch as he pulls on a latex glove... Do you know, I've never let even a Girlfriend do that! My DOCTOR has never even done THAT! Customs Men and Special Branch Officers, on the other hand? I've had more COPS fingers up my Thwoop than a drunken nurse on New Year's Eve. (You can tell the Nice Cops... They blow on the finger to warm it first...) And they say STUPID THINGS to you to as they do it... To RELAX you... "You here for business or pleasure, Sir?" "Well, it was business but if you could wiggle that finger a bit, Detective Sergeant..." (Got 18 months for that one...) Also, don't do what I did and gasp and pant while whispering, "Gentler, Darling..."

WHO, these days, I ASK you, smuggles Class A drugs by shoving them up your arse? NOBODY DOES!!! (You put them in a tied-condom, swallow them and, when you are safely checked into your hotel, take a crap in the bath...) IT'S COMMON SENSE!!! (Here's a serious drug-smuggling tip, BTW... DON'T use condoms. Use those latex gloves! You get FIVE TIMES the packaging!!! Plus, you're using THEIR tools against them!!!)


xx SF



OMG!!! I should tell you off for singling out UK customs but my sides hurt too much from laughing...Steph this was so fucking funny xp
The Duchess of Tart

Please check out my new story, co-written with the amazing Wilful.

https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/long-time-coming.aspx

And my latest poem, The Temptation.

https://www.lushstories.com/stories/erotic-poems/the-temptation.aspx
Guest
Lurker
*NEWS UPDATE!!!*

"Tant-A-La-Bant-Bam-Bam-Bam-Bam-Dan-Dong!"

Everyone: "What the FUCK was that?"

Me: "It's supposed to be News Music..."

Everyone: "Oh..."

Me: "Can I continue?"

Everyone: "If you must."

Well, following the DEBACLE last year when I was almost fucking sent to GUANTANAMO for NOT REALLY attempting to smuggle a pretend gun onto a 'plane, THIS TIME, I'm flying Aer Lingus into Heathrow. It costs more money, but guess what? You don't need a passport to fly into the UK from EIRE if you fly Aer Lingus!!! It turns out, ANY government photo ID will do!!!

Everyone: "Are you going to you use your Registered Sex Offender's Card?"

Me: "That's not funny."

Everyone: "We thought is was hysterical."

Me: "Anyway, I'm not. I have loads of other Govt. issued photo ID, driver's licence, Govt. ID card, NUJ card... Ex-Serviceman's card... Any of these will apparently do!!! (I 'phoned up and asked...)"

Everyone: "So you don't have to use your Sex Offender's Card?"

Me: "I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING SEX OFFENDER'S CARD!"

Everyone: "When did you lose it?"

Me: "I FUCKING hate you people."

Everyone: "Seriously. When's the last time you had it?"

Me: "BASTARDS ALL OF YOU!"

xx SF

Actually, wanna know what REAL Irish news sounds like?

Everyone: "Not particularly."

Me: "Well, (to paraphrase RUN DMC...) It goes like this..."


"Teeddle-Dee-Di-Diddle-De-De-Deee-DEE!-Dee!- DEE DEE DE DEE!"


"Hello, be Jayzus! Here's the news! Now, grab a cup of tea or something stronger because the fucking Arabs are at it again! Later, we'll have Phelim Skellig-Shaughnessy reporting on Trump from Washington, DC.; Finnula O'Flanagan on the campaign trail with Hillary, she's lovely isn't she, Hillary, God bless her, looks great for her age, doesn't she? What was Yer Man thinking? WHAT WAS HE THINKING? But first, Tom O'Gorman with the Sheep Prices... Tom?"
Gillianleeeza
Normal Adjacent
Glad you don't have to go through the agony of acquiring a new passport.

Still, be nice to the customs officers. Remember cavity searches aren't that bad. As long as at anytime you can't feel both of the agents hands on your shoulders, you're fine.

Have fun!!!!!!!!
Buz
The Linebacker
I'm dyslexic so I had to decifer this thred. Hmmm.... here goze

Stephanie is out of dates (obviously no other chicks in Dublin will date him, because he banged their sister, not a nun kind of sister, well, he's banged some of them too. 6 in fact. Let's just get past that, though). So he needs to fly to London to find a DATE at some nerd convention. His passport is out of date, but he'll miss it because of all those Bangkok, Thailand stamps. He swears he was on his way to see the Dalai Lama, but instead was caught with Dolly the Llama.

He went to the airport and some detective sergeant who was wearing a condom shoved an ORANGE up his ASS.

So they're going to use the photo from his last police arrest (riding a bicycle while intoxicated) to put on his passport.

Is that right?
Guest
Lurker
Quote by Buz
I'm dyslexic...


What CUNT decided that 'DYSLEXIC' was the word to describe that condition? I mean, IT'S SO HARD TO SPELL!!! We had dyslexic kids in my school in the 1970s... But nobody knew what it was so they just called them 'Thick'!

Who's Laughing Now???

xx SF

(Or as they'd write, "Whose Luaghffing Know!")

Everyone: "Oh my Fuck!"

Me: "*IT WAS IRONY!!! IT'S A JOKE!!!*"

Everyone: "As a joke, it went down like an Egyptian Airliner, Steve!!!"

Me: "That's pretty good, Everyone..."

Everyone: "WE DIDN'T SAY THAT!"

Me: "Bet you wished you did..."
Mysteria27
Prolific Writer
Quote by stephanie
*NEWS UPDATE!!!*

"Tant-A-La-Bant-Bam-Bam-Bam-Bam-Dan-Dong!"

Everyone: "What the FUCK was that?"

Me: "It's supposed to be News Music..."

Everyone: "Oh..."

Me: "Can I continue?"

Everyone: "If you must."

Well, following the DEBACLE last year when I was almost fucking sent to GUANTANAMO for NOT REALLY attempting to smuggle a pretend gun onto a 'plane, THIS TIME, I'm flying Aer Lingus into Heathrow. It costs more money, but guess what? You don't need a passport to fly into the UK from EIRE if you fly Aer Lingus!!! It turns out, ANY government photo ID will do!!!

Everyone: "Are you going to you use your Registered Sex Offender's Card?"

Me: "That's not funny."

Everyone: "We thought is was hysterical."

Me: "Anyway, I'm not. I have loads of other Govt. issued photo ID, driver's licence, Govt. ID card, NUJ card... Ex-Serviceman's card... Any of these will apparently do!!! (I 'phoned up and asked...)"

Everyone: "So you don't have to use your Sex Offender's Card?"

Me: "I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING SEX OFFENDER'S CARD!"

Everyone: "When did you lose it?"

Me: "I FUCKING hate you people."

Everyone: "Seriously. When's the last time you had it?"

Me: "BASTARDS ALL OF YOU!"

xx SF

Actually, wanna know what REAL Irish news sounds like?

Everyone: "Not particularly."

Me: "Well, (to paraphrase RUN DMC...) It goes like this..."


"Teeddle-Dee-Di-Diddle-De-De-Deee-DEE!-Dee!- DEE DEE DE DEE!"


"Hello, be Jayzus! Here's the news! Now, grab a cup of tea or something stronger because the fucking Arabs are at it again! Later, we'll have Phelim Skellig-Shaughnessy reporting on Trump from Washington, DC.; Finnula O'Flanagan on the campaign trail with Hillary, she's lovely isn't she, Hillary, God bless her, looks great for her age, doesn't she? What was Yer Man thinking? WHAT WAS HE THINKING? But first, Tom O'Gorman with the Sheep Prices... Tom?"





Stephen -

This was so amusing and funny.

I do hope you make it to London.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mysteria
xo
Magical_felix
Wild at Heart
Quote by stephanie


"Are you going to you use your Registered Sex Offender's Card?"

I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING SEX OFFENDER'S CARD!"

Everyone: "When did you lose it?"

Me: "I FUCKING hate you people."

Everyone: "Seriously. When's the last time you had it?"

Me: "BASTARDS ALL OF YOU!"



It's nice that you can joke about being a sex offender after you have stated previously on the site that you were in love with a 17 year old when you were almost 3 times her age. Nobody judges here...well I do I guess, but you know what I mean.

Joking like this after the disturbing behaviour you've said you're up to is like someone who was charged with attempted murder joking about murdering. Pretty vile... But hey, that's just me. I guess I'm a prude and think preying on children is fucked up.

But you're just joking around. It's not like the truth in jokes is what makes them funny or anything.
Guest
Lurker
Quote by Magical_felix


It's nice that you can joke about being a sex offender after you have stated previously on the site that you were in love with a 17 year old when you were almost 3 times her age. Nobody judges here...well I do I guess, but you know what I mean.

Joking like this after the disturbing behaviour you've said you're up to is like someone who was charged with attempted murder joking about murdering. Pretty vile... But hey, that's just me. I guess I'm a prude and think preying on children is fucked up.

But you're just joking around. It's not like the truth in jokes is what makes them funny or anything.


Let me put this as POLITELY as I can...

*I HATE YOU, YOU BULLYING OBSESSED SAD CUNT!!!*

And I'M WAY IN THE MAJORITY YOU NASTY PERSON!!!

xx SF

(Another person MIGHT WONDER if there were not a WHIFF of jealousy at your FIXATION on such a TINY IF DEEPLY MEANINGFUL chapter of My Personal Life...)

Try THIS, ASSWIPE!!!

*FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!*

(And if YOU BULLY OTHERS, (as you REPEATEDLY HAVE...) I'LL CALL YOU ON IT YOU ODIOUS PATHETIC PRICK!)

Just so you know.

WE CLEAR?
Guest
Lurker
(Like I NEED this... Jesus Christ...)

Good Grief.

xx SF
Guest
Lurker
Quote by stephanie


Let me put this as POLITELY as I can...

*I HATE YOU, YOU BULLYING OBSESSED SAD CUNT!!!*

And I'M WAY IN THE MAJORITY YOU NASTY PERSON!!!

xx SF

(Another person MIGHT WONDER if there were not a WHIFF of jealousy at your FIXATION on such a TINY IF DEEPLY MEANINGFUL chapter of My Personal Life...)

Try THIS, ASSWIPE!!!

*FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!*

(And if YOU BULLY OTHERS, (as you REPEATEDLY HAVE...) I'LL CALL YOU ON IT YOU ODIOUS PRICK!)

Just so you know.

WE CLEAR?


Don't let him wind you up. Take it with a pinch of salt.

Shagging a seventeen year old is nothing to be embarrassed about. You should be proud of it if anything. I've got a thing for schoolgirls as well, and I'd love to be up in me nuts in seventeen-year-old guts. I dream about it every night.
Guest
Lurker
I think you need to realise, Steph, that those who give shit out have to be willing and ready to take a bit back occasionally.

It's called friendly banter -- if you can't take it, don't give it out.
Guest
Lurker
Quote by Desperate_Dan


Don't let him wind you up. Take it with a pinch of salt.

Shagging a seventeen year old is nothing to be embarrassed about. You should be proud of it if anything. I've got a thing for schoolgirls as well, and I'd love to be up in me nuts in seventeen-year-old guts. I dream about it every night.


That almost INCREDIBLY does not help although I know your heart is in the Right Place!

(It was NOTHING to do with her being anything other than her...)

But, EH, your dreams and fantasies aside, it WASN'T like that and REALITY is different. Believe me. xx

xx SF
Magical_felix
Wild at Heart
Quote by stephanie


Let me put this as POLITELY as I can...

*I HATE YOU, YOU BULLYING OBSESSED SAD CUNT!!!*

And I'M WAY IN THE MAJORITY YOU NASTY PERSON!!!

xx SF

(Another person MIGHT WONDER if there were not a WHIFF of jealousy at your FIXATION on such a TINY IF DEEPLY MEANINGFUL chapter of My Personal Life...)

Try THIS, ASSWIPE!!!

*FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!*

(And if YOU BULLY OTHERS, (as you REPEATEDLY HAVE...) I'LL CALL YOU ON IT YOU ODIOUS PATHETIC PRICK!)

Just so you know.

WE CLEAR?


No, we are not clear. You are saying there is a situation where it is right for a man in his late forties to be in love with a 17 year old?

If a friend of mine came to me to tell me about his disturbing fixation on a 17 year old I would not be convinced by any pathetic excuse he gave me to justify it.

I am sure anyone with a 17 year old daughter wouldn't pat you on the back for preying on her either no matter what twisted logic you have invented.

Whatever "majority" you have imagined, is just that, a fantasy world you have created where your behavior is OK.

Criminals think Batman is a bully too. Just saying. I'm Batman, bitch.
Magical_felix
Wild at Heart
Quote by stephanie


That almost INCREDIBLY does not help although I know your heart is in the Right Place!

(It was NOTHING to do with her being anything other than her...)

But, EH, your dreams and fantasies aside, it WASN'T like that and REALITY is different. Believe me. xx

xx SF


The fact that you said his "heart is in the right place" after what he said just shows how deluded you are. You have completely lost touch.
Unknown User

Thanks for the laugh Steph. Loved the whole sorry story. Have you ever thought of writing for the theatre? The dialogue was good enough for a TV play. Have to be after the watershed though!