No judging please, I am a very private person as far as my personal life goes. However in this situation I need advice, and worried I may make a poor choice so posting here to get help first. So ran into a cute guy in real life turned out he was my ex whom I didn't recognize as he lost a lot of weight and other features changed. He was my first serious relationship and he wasn't a good guy, he scares me very badly, however he said he's changed and did a few silly gestures to try and prove that. I am afraid of him so here are my questions:
1. How do I tell if he has changed?
2. Tips on dealing with fear so it doesn't overwhelm you?
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Advice & tips needed
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Active Ink Slinger
Hi Kitty. I’m sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed. An ex is an ex for a reason and fear is never an emotion to be ignored. I work in rehabilitation and do see people change for the better. I also work closely with their loved ones who have suffered their actions. You’re the important one here and being afraid of someone isn’t healthy. For what it’s worth I’m thinking of you. I’d personally wish him luck in the future and keep walking. May sound strange coming from my professional standpoint but as you stated, you’re pretty private so this thread must have taken a lot of thought to post. Read it as if Someone else wrote it. Fear has no part in a relationship. I’m not judging you for your misgivings anymore than I’m judging him. Much love and hugs exx
Top Shot
What Em said. Physical changes do not necessarily indicate changes in personality, and you should not live in fear of a partner, period, full stop.
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Hello,
I want to thank you Em as well as HeraTeleia, for your replies to this. It is personal and thank you for your advice. I worry sometimes that maybe my fear is misplaced and it would be better if I didn't feel fear for him. I will consider what you each have said and see about maybe just wishing him the best and not seeing eachother beyond that.
I want to thank you Em as well as HeraTeleia, for your replies to this. It is personal and thank you for your advice. I worry sometimes that maybe my fear is misplaced and it would be better if I didn't feel fear for him. I will consider what you each have said and see about maybe just wishing him the best and not seeing eachother beyond that.
Unicorn Wrangler
I agree with Em, an ex is an ex for a reason. That being said, you might want to try to just be friends with him and see how that goes. I have a few ex's who are now friends and nothing more. It's a way to have a relationship without getting to deep in. This way you're not making a serious commitment with him and if he has truly changed, it will be a way for him to prove himself.
Good luck & I hope it all works our for you.
Good luck & I hope it all works our for you.
Her Royal Spriteness
as a survivor of abuse, i'm going to echo Emily's advice. you are never going to trust him again - no matter how much he says he's changed, you're always going to live with the certainty that all it will take is one bad day, one wrong word, and he'll go back to being the bad guy. nothing he does will change that gut fear, and it might be a very real fear - he may do just that. you will always be on your guard with him. that's on HIM, not you. HE fucked up and he needs to live with it. wish him well and don't look back.
hugs and love,
sprite.
hugs and love,
sprite.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Convict
All here have posted excellent advice. I have to ask though, why would you consider getting back with someone you are afraid of? You deserve much much more respect than that. You deserve to be loved and adored. He lost the right to your trust the first time he hit you. Please don’t let him do it again.
We have a media slogan here in Australia that’s produced by the government. “One punch can kill”. It might not be the slap, punch or shove that kills you, but what you hit your head on on your way to the ground. You have every reason to be afraid. Trust your instincts. Don’t give him the chance to hurt you again.
We have a media slogan here in Australia that’s produced by the government. “One punch can kill”. It might not be the slap, punch or shove that kills you, but what you hit your head on on your way to the ground. You have every reason to be afraid. Trust your instincts. Don’t give him the chance to hurt you again.
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My first husband was abusive. Always promised to change never did. The fear part, that NEVER goes away. My son is Schizophrenic and can become very violent. My daughter and I get hit on a daily basis lately. Nothing we can do. No agencies will help us, to find him placement. It's scary to walk on "eggshells" everyday. Some days I just want to give up.
Troublemaker
Hi Kitty: Thought I would add a guy's perspective. First off, lots of great advice from the ladies above. Secondly I have had conversations with many women who found themselves in similar circumstances and offer two thoughts:
1) Trust your instincts; if your instinct is fear there is a reason
2) A leopard never changes their spots
I usually see the grey areas in all things but in circumstances such as these the grey areas are to be ignored. Our partners from our first serious relationship often have a powerful draw but I know in my heart our ex-partners are 'EX' for a reason. Find the person who sets your heart alight and frees you from fear rather than adding to it.
As for dealing with fear you may want to look into a few books or local resources (are there support groups in your area?) on the subject of things like dysfunctional relationships. Hope you're not feeling alone in this, the number of women struggling with similar things might surprise you. Take care of yourself please.
1) Trust your instincts; if your instinct is fear there is a reason
2) A leopard never changes their spots
I usually see the grey areas in all things but in circumstances such as these the grey areas are to be ignored. Our partners from our first serious relationship often have a powerful draw but I know in my heart our ex-partners are 'EX' for a reason. Find the person who sets your heart alight and frees you from fear rather than adding to it.
As for dealing with fear you may want to look into a few books or local resources (are there support groups in your area?) on the subject of things like dysfunctional relationships. Hope you're not feeling alone in this, the number of women struggling with similar things might surprise you. Take care of yourself please.
Saucy Little Minx ♥️
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Rainbow Warrior
Abusive males rarely change except for the brief period it takes to lure their victims back, and then they revert to type. You see him as what he was, a frightening abuser. He will also be seeing you as what you were, a frightened and easily controlled victim. Don't fall into old patterns, because that is in all probability what will happen if you take him back.
Active Ink Slinger
You seriously need to ask yourself, "Is this really my best relationship option?" He may well deserve another chance, but does it have to be with you?
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Active Ink Slinger
I am not a Therapist and I have not had a serious relationship.
But I have been with many men and think I know what make them tick the good and the bad.
The only way you know if he has really changed and I think people can and do change. Is to put him back the environment that made him not so a good guy before.
Is the risk worth the benefit? I do not think so.
I know here is a good guy out there for you. I have not found mine yet but I know he is out there too.
But I have been with many men and think I know what make them tick the good and the bad.
The only way you know if he has really changed and I think people can and do change. Is to put him back the environment that made him not so a good guy before.
Is the risk worth the benefit? I do not think so.
I know here is a good guy out there for you. I have not found mine yet but I know he is out there too.